Friday, December 24, 2010

Vayden - The Shining Star

- Vayden I'm sorry I didn't get this post up on the 23rd, your baby brother seems to have a case of colic and I had to make a choice with the little time I do get, to sleep or blog. Sleep won.

Vayden you have been busy, seems like even with your baby brothers long awaited appearance you still found a way to steal a little of his shine. I'm so very proud of you, here we are 19 months past losing you and the media is still paying attention to something that is often overlooked. In OKC you are famous. I imagine that in a few years your name will be on the top baby names list, because all I ever hear is how much people love the name Vayden.

So to the readers, I've done another news segment this time with KOCO 5 News in OKC, this is the story of hope after a loss .You can click on the photo below to see the news segment.

I also did a local article for the on base newspaper the Tinker Take Off. You can click the photo below to view that article.

I am also doing a follow up newspaper article for the local newspaper here in OKC which is supposed to run on Christmas day. This is going to be a follow up from my interview back in Oct 2009. Once that runs I will create a post that highlights every interview that has been done.

Vayden I know you play with your baby brother often because when he sleeps he smiles so much. I look at him and I'm often jealous because I know that he knows you, even more than I do. It's so nice to have an angel watching over you, but even better when your angel is family.

We love you and miss you.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I Have So Much to be THANKFUL For

I was unable to write on Vayden's 18th month heavenly marker, I was recovering for child birth. Yes Vayden's little brother Varen Jacob Stewart made his grand appearance November 21st, 2010 @ 1:57pm. He was 6 lb even and 17.5" long. He was my biggest baby and held out the longest waiting until 36 wks 5 days before demanding out.

I thank God and Vayden for watching over Varen and bringing him into this world happy and healthy. Varen is a bit of a lazy baby and has to be fed with an aid because he sleeps all day and all night so we are not getting a lucky break, while my husband finger feeds him I am pumping breast milk. But other than that Varen is doing well and he is a wonderful testimony to how great God really is.

Here is a picture of our family. We miss Vayden, but always include him.
I will write Varen's birth story on my family blog soon. We've just been so busy.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months


Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Walk To Remember

Today was the annual Walk to Remember for the hospital where Vayden was delivered. This was my 2nd time attending since losing Vayden and I hope to continue to attend every year.

Van was unable to attend last years walk because he was deployed, so in his place my mother came into town to walk with me to remember Vayden. She was unable to come this year, and it was ok, because Van was going to attend until his TDY return date was pushed back at the last minute. I was beyond heartbroken at the thought of having to attend the walk alone, the MOST important thing needed while grieving a loss is support. I was prepared to go alone but definitely didn't want to. I posted about my bad news on Facebook and some of my dear local friends reached out to me offering to join me at the Walk to Remember. I have to say giving up a few hours of your Saturday morning to come out and show your support for my angel is an amazing thing. I am once again sure that there are walking angels in this world.

Getting ready for the walk I painted Vayden's foot print stamp and placed it on my face

At the Walk to Remember with Vashon and baby VJS3

Brenna (pink) and Desirre (white) are two AF wives that I've met just being at Tinker. These two girls are amazing and so supportive, I swear if they ever needed anything I would stop, drop and roll for them. They haven't even known me for more than a year and they came out and supported me and my angel like we've been long time best friends. Brenna actually also gave her time to stay at my house the day of Vayden's memorial service to watch all the kids, so the parents could attend and focus on the service. *Walking angels for sure.*

I met Erin through the OU Family Advisory Council, she's never lost a child, but her son Henry has an amazing story of HLHS. As soon as I posted about Van not being able to make it, she let me know that her and her family would be out at the walk. Again someone I haven't even known a full year lending her time and support to give me that huge smile I have on my face. If the world could only be filled with amazing people like this.

Here is a pic of Vashon and the pond wearing his "My little Brother is an Angel in Heaven" shirt with a stamp of Vayden foot print on the bottom of it.

So I did get a little emotional at the walk, maybe it's the hormones or the fact that Van couldn't be there, but as we watched each pebble make a ripple I saw a HUGE group of people wearing the same t-shirts preparing to take a group photo. It made me really miss having my family so close. I know that if this would have been in my home town we would have had the largest group, I know it's not about the size of the group but the love they all have, I guess I was just a little jealous of the support those two parents had.

At the end of the walk we took one last photo and it came out amazing and even though my group was small, and not my family, they mean so much to me and I am so grateful that they came out to show their support for our family and for Vayden.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

16 Months in Heaven

Time keeps passing and I often worry how long will I be able to keep Vayden's memory alive. I know he's always in my heart and always on my mind, but without those growing milestones. How will Vayden's memory stay fresh in the hearts and minds of all the people that love him?

I love my angel mommy blog friends, we all help each other by sharing ideas and memory keepsakes of our angels.

I got the idea to get a stamp of Vayden's footprint made from Holly, who used a stamp of her angel's hand print on one of her maternity pictures. That alone was an amazing idea, and it just got me thinking about all the many other ways I could use Vayden's footprint stamp.

I ordered this custom made stamp from it was very easy, the price was great and they were fast to deliver it. I measured the print that I scanned of his actual footprint and asked them to make the stamp the same size. I love the detail that is in the stamp, so exact to his actual footprint. I plan to order another one in a smaller size which will be used when we sign our names in cards and what not. Receiving this stamp gave our family a new way to keep Vayden's memory alive. We miss him so much.

Happy 16th month in Heaven sweet baby. We love you

Monday, August 23, 2010

God's Timing

Happy 15th months in Heaven sweet Vayden, although this post is for you I'm also taking the time to pay my respects to another sweet angel that was welcomed into Heaven just a few days ago. I hope that you are showing him around & being nice, he is a friend of the family.

Before losing Vayden I tried my hardest to look at death as God's Timing, a way to sweeten the bitterness of the loss. But I really only felt that way in peaceful cases of loss, the things you read and see on the news always make me wonder about using the phrase "God's Timing". I was taught to not question God on anything he does. He is my father, I am to obey and he knows what is right for me. When Vayden died I never questioned him but I did let him know how I felt about the situation. So much has come out of Vayden's death, some good, some bad but understanding his loss was easy for me. Justifying his case that it was all in God's Timing is easy, but what happens when it's not?

A friend of the family found their 3 yr old son in the pool a few days ago, this was an accident, a very tragic accident. When I was pregnant I would always focus on a few major facts....that Vayden was a planned pregnancy and that I did everything right. People often want to assume that maybe I was on something or I caused Vayden to have what he had. It's important that they understand that even good parents have a stroke of bad luck every now and then. This is also the case with this family, great parents and then in a moment bad luck.

The night we found out I couldn't sleep, my heart ached for the family but I sat unsettled with God that evening. I just couldn't get it! For the first time I actually asked "Why?". I felt horrible about it as we drove to visit the family on Sunday but I couldn't shake the feeling that passing everything off as "God's Timing" and "God's Will" would make things better. I understand that he wont come back, and I know I'm not going to get an answer. I also know that this may bring something beautiful to the world just as Vayden's loss brought My Very Own Angel.

It just breaks my heart every time I think about it and it opened up a new door for my journey through grief and healing, because on that day I really realized that there is a difference in each case of loss. There we sat with a family that also lost their 2nd son, we were supposed to know their pain, but Van and I both were without words. We knew that although we had something in common we lacked the unfortunate experience they went through. Our son died peacefully in our arms, and their son did not.

I now see that I'm great to support a family that is faced with carrying to term or early infant loss, but I'm still uneasy with using the phrase "God's Timing" in other cases of loss that involve children and tragic events.

God please hold on tight to this family as they walk this journey through loss, grief and healing.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I Will Never Be Her

Today I went to a baby shower for a friend, and although I'm just a few months behind her in my pregnancy I will never be her. I'm glad that Vayden's baby brother is 100% healthy and I do have high hopes for this pregnancy, it's delivery and him...but worry does present itself every now and then. I will never be that new mother so excited and worry free.

I met another mother who told me that 4 weeks before her only daughter was to be born after having two boys her husband got the old snip snip. 4 weeks BEFORE the baby was here, all I could think is how brave they were to take such a permanent step before the baby was born. With all that I know now I'm pretty much against surgical birth control and I'll never be her either.

I always love the woman that buys the bedding and all the clothes, removes the tags and tosses the receipts before the baby is born.........Sure I have clothes and I know what bed set I want, but because I will never be her, I've been procrastinating buying it.

I Will Never Be Her

Thursday, August 12, 2010

An Honor to Vayden and a Wonderful Non Profit

In late July, a local news station contacted me requesting I do a story about Vayden and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I LOVE the organization and everything they do and I was ready to help them in their quest to spread the word about infant loss and support the cause to give families lasting memories during such a tragic time.

The news segment aired today and they did a wonderful job and I am very pleased. I'm so happy that Vayden's memory lives on even 1 year later. Thank you to the staff at FOX News 25 and above all thank you to all the volunteers of NILMDTS.

(You can view the news segment by clicking the photo of Van, myself and Vayden or the hyperlink above that says FOX News 25 )

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Vayden wants to share some news.

Our angel has been looking after us, he put a special request in to God and we are blessed to know that this baby has been blessed and touched by an angel. Vayden is going to have a little brother. To Grow Up a Stewart I got rid of the blog I was keeping for our rainbow baby and decided to make a general family blog which I would include updates on our current pregnancy as well as Vashon and just our family.

Vayden's blog is not going anywhere, if you only want to know about our pregnancy just click the pregnancy labels and that will take you to all the pregnancy post. Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Vashon Needed His Brother

Today marks 14 months for Vayden being in Heaven. We are now 14 months behind schedule of having a complete family, we may never have that "complete" family.

Last night I was sitting on the computer and Vashon was playing in the living room, I over heard him having a conversation with either himself or an imaginary friend. I know that, that is very common for kids his age so it didn't freak me out, but it did make me a little sad. I hate that he has to talk to himself when he could have very well been able to talk with Vayden. I still get upset at how perfect their age gap was, how my two boys would probably fight, but also be the best of friends. I sometime don't have the energy or understanding to play some of the crazy games Vashon wants to play, Vayden would have been perfect to play with him. Even though Vashon is going to get another brother or sister, he still has to wait at least another year for the baby to be any fun, that adds another year to Vashon's age and I fear that he will find the baby too young or immature.

I still think about Vayden daily but my heart doesn't ache for him as often, I think I'm in the process now of grieving for Vashon, he doesn't know how much Vayden would mean to him now, but I do.

My pregnancy is progressing well and I'm 1 week away from the BIG u/s. I have so many feelings about that but will write about it in my other blog.

Happy 14th month sweet Vayden James, Mommy loves you

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

So What is it Like??

A lot of people have asked me "What's it like a year later?" I guess a year is supposed to be some huge milestone when it comes to anything. A year on the job, a baby's first year, the 1st year of marriage. All are happy joyful celebrations or accomplishments. So what is a year after loss like?

I think it can be considered a celebration of making it through something that 12 months prior looked foggy and out of focus. I think a year after loss is a positive step towards progressive healing.

Personally for me, a year when I hit a year, I felt this weight lifted off my shoulders. I was comfortable with my loss, understanding of why Vayden had to go, and for the first time truly hopeful for the future. I don't cry when I think of Vayden or even talk about it, I'm less offended by the little things and I understand 100% that I did nothing wrong from the moment I chose to get pregnant to the last few breaths he took.

Today marks the 13th month Vayden has been gone and I'm fine, I know he is so proud of me. I know that I have made him happy and that's all a mother really ever wants to do.

So what's it like? It's peaceful, it's calm, and it's ok.

I love you Vayden.

May 23,2010

You don't have to tell me how late I am on these pictures I don't know why I couldn't just log on and post the pics from Vayden's actually birthday May 23,2010.

Many people expected us to go all out for Vayden's first birthday, at first I had every intention to, but then I thought about it and decided to do something small, with just the family, so that we could create a tradition that was easy to do every year.

In the previous post you know that Vayden actually gets two days to be remembered, so the majority of our celebration was done on the 22nd, however we did go to Lake Hefner Park, in OK to release balloons for Vayden.

This is a picture of Vashon with his lil brother. His shirt says "My little brother is an angel in Heaven"

Here is a picture of Van and his boys

Ready to go to the park, you know brother bear goes everywhere with us.

We release 4 balloons. 3 blue, 1 for each hour and the white balloon represented the 45 min.

Each Balloon had a special note tied to it for Vayden to read

Me, Vashon and Brother Bear

My mom all the way in Ca remembering Vayden on his birthday

My Dad in Ca, also releasing a balloon for Vayden

This was Vayden's special cake.

Overall his birthday went well, it wasn't as emotional as the day before and there was a sense of calm that I had over me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Happy 1st year in Heaven Vayden -5/22 - Midnight

Yesterday was a very special day for me, although it wasn't Vayden's actual birthday just 60 sec could have changed that. Last year on May 22nd I was in active labor by 5:30pm. Before my labor truly began or shall I say before it became unbearably painful my family and I went to eat at Chili's. We now plan to visit Chili's every year on the 22nd of May an annual tradition to remember sweet baby Vayden.

My family at the table if you look close between me and Vashon you will see a small picture frame of Vayden

The closer view, always in our hearts, never forgotten

After we ate at Chili's we went to get balloons for our midnight release, but I couldn't help getting a whole balloon bouquet.

We each wrote on one balloon.



At midnight Van, myself and Vashon went out to the front of our house to sing Happy Birthday and release 1 balloon and the time of Vayden's birth. It was so windy, that as soon as we let them go they were long gone, but I did get this photo of Vashon getting ready to release his.

We came in the house lit Vayden's special V candle and let it burn for a while, then Vashon blew it out and said to his baby brother "Happy Birthday and I wub you" :)

Wondering how we kept Vashon up so late? Well anyone who knows him knows he's a night time party child, but because we wanted him to be a part of this special day we let him nap late.

Today is Vayden's actual birthday, our plan to to head out to Lake Hefner and have a picnic in the park, release more balloons and remember our sweet son Vayden.
Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Vayden......Happy Birthday to you.
I love you always, love Mommy

A Year.....

We made it through a year, seems like the years that you wish would go by slowly always move by so fast. I can remember this day last year like it happened minutes ago, but there is something about making it through the 1st year that takes the edge off your grief. For me this year has been only one long room with no doors, but a few windows. On May 23,2009 I opened a door with the word TRUST on it, it was a decision I made months before I even gave birth to Vayden. After my loss I only had two doors TRUST or FEAR. To trust is to follow God and to fear is to walk the way of the devil. It seemed like choosing the trust door would be without fail, but little did I know that trusting God upsets the enemy and that door would take me through my own personal boot camp.

Once I was in, the only way out was through the windows that showed a glimpse of where I would be had I chosen the opposite door. Of course every time a moment was hard the window would show a glimpse of something great and wonderful. Tricky how the enemy works.

I imagine that once you get through a year, the room is filled with many doors and if you were unhappy with how things went the previous year or you're just ready for change you can open a different door for a second chance. If you're not ready for change you continue on into the door straight ahead.

Yesterday was hard for me, as my mind and body replayed the events of my labor and delivery hour by hour. Many people don't realize but the 22nd of May is when everything happened. Vayden was born at midnight, so the 22nd holds a lot of emotions and memories.

This morning I woke up to the middle of Joel Osteen on TV, he said something that hit me like a brick. "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5. WOW!!!!! as my room filled with doors I knew I had to make a choice of which one I was going to open, but hearing that made everything from this last month and yesterday ok, it made me remember that I chose to trust God and that he's made promises to me that in due time I will see. It made me remember that he's always in control and he knew what he was doing when he took Vayden, so even though I don't understand and I didn't agree with his timing. I know that he is in control, and it's clear that Vayden has been a blessing to not only myself but to many others.

So the year has passed and it's my time to continue my journey, I have carried to term, I have held an angel and I have honored his memory. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been mad, but I've been honest and the door I chose to open is NEW BEGINNINGS..................

Monday, May 10, 2010

Vayden's Other Mom

My mom was a huge support to me while I was carrying to term. One day she was at my house and we were both having a hard time accepting the news. Through her tears she told me that if Vayden did die, then he would be well taken care of by a woman in Heaven who was not able to have children on earth. To most mothers that would be a bitter saying, but to me it was relief.

I often think of Vayden's other mom, I know she is a loving woman who wanted nothing more on earth but to have children to care for. I know she loves him because she wanted a baby so badly, and because she has never had children she gives him 100 % complete attention. She understands the struggles that come along with having children and she doesn't take one moment with him for granted. I know she tells him all about me, how much I love him and miss him. She often shows him a glimpse of what it's like down here, but because he's so young she's careful not to show him when I cry.

I am often jealous of her, but then thankful that she loves him so much. Knowing he is with her being well taken care of allows me to sleep at night. Knowing that she's honest, humble, and kind, helps me not to cry everyday. Although I don't know her name, or what she looks like. I know one thing, she loves him enough to tell him everyday that I am still his MOM.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

If Vayden were here

Vashon was potty training since September of last year, he became TRAINED in Feb with accidents here and there but nothing that caused me to stress or worry. In this last 2 weeks Vashon has had 1 or 2 accidents a day. I'm a SAHM and I don't know if I'm good at it, Vashon is always clean and taken care of, he's smart and fun, but I've always known how to work and I've been good at that. SAHM blame themselves a lot, well at least I do, if your child is with you everyday all day then whatever he does is your fault good or bad. So we toot our horns when they reach milestones and we hang our head in shame when they embarrass us. Logical thinking tells me it's a toddler thing, and he would do it if he stayed at home or if he went to school. But my mind is so loud and all I can hear when he poops and pee's on himself is FAILURE. So I wonder why is he doing this? A dear friend of mine is a childhood nurse and she is like my super nanny, so I called her to discuss this and just like everything you'll find in a book or online she asked "have we changed anything in his life?" I said "No" other than finding out we were pregnant which we don't talk about a lot in the house. Every now and then if he's jumping around close to me we'll say "mommy has a baby in her belly, so you need to be careful" but we don't just always talk about the new baby.

Day after day he has a poop accident and I wonder every time what is going on in your little head, but today was the day when it really just upset me. While I cleaned the mess off the floor I shouted "if Vayden were here I wouldn't be so mad about this poop" Vayden would be 11 mo old right now and he wouldn't be potty trained so I would be dealing with poop messes already and for some reason in my mind I think it would have made Vashon accidents flow better. But instead I see him poop on the floor or poop in his underwear and I hear FAILURE. I think the grief bug has got me, because I spent a large part of the day crying my eyes out just upset that at the fact that Vayden is not here.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Brother Bear

I've posted about this bear many times he is also been referred to as "cuddle brother" Vashon now calls him "brother bear". This gift from Kelly with Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries is the best thing for Vashon that was meant for me. Vashon is all boy and never wanted anything to do with stuff animals and still could care less about any new ones that come into the house. However Brother Bear is the one thing Vashon always seems to need. I've watched Vashon love on him, wrestle with him and even discipline him like a big brother would. Brother Bear is with Vashon often and has become a huge part of our family. Needless to say Brother Bear being a 3 yr olds best friend goes through just as much as a normal 3 yr old boy would go through. The cream colored bear turned gray with spots of crayon and spaghetti sauce. I have been so afraid to wash him because even though I know I could always ask Kelly for a new one, I think Vashon would know and deep down inside we would know also that the new brother bear was not the same bear that laid with Vayden the day he was born.

I knew I was supposed to wash him with a mild soap but every time I went to the store I was afraid that my choice would ruin him. Last night we had the family bed, while Vashon's leg was over my head and brother bears arm was in my face I realized that he smelled like syrup. hmmm Did Vashon try to feed him waffles? I looked at him and thought "what has he done to you sweet bear" then I thought how I wanted to wash him right that moment. I looked over at the picture of Vayden on my dresser and thought of the noodle and boo baby wash that we bathed Vayden with on his birthday. I got up to find the slightly used bottled that was just going to sit there and took brother bear into the bathroom to give him a much needed bath. It was supposed to be a mom cleaning her child's teddy bear but instead it was like giving Vayden another bath. The strong special scent hit my senses and took me back to the day Vayden was born, the bear smelled as sweet as Vayden did as I carefully cleaned him making sure the softness of the cotton stayed the same. When I was done I took him down stairs and placed him in a clean pillow case put him in the dryer on a very low cycle.
When Brother Bear came out he was cream colored again and smelled just like Vayden did the day he was born. Cleaning him was a good idea but using the infant wash to clean him was even better, Vashon still loves his brother bear and now I have a hard time sharing him because of his amazing new scent.

I just can't thank you enough Kelly

A newly cleaned brother bear, and when I say this bear was gray, I mean this bear was gray

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Good News

I'm breaking my silence although only a few people are still out of the loop. I have over 100 blog followers yet since Vayden's loss I get about 10-20 readers on each post, so those readers I consider loyal and those readers I'd like to share my news with. I've never been good at keeping secrets and I never really knew why I was keeping it a secret. Fear was not the reason, I actually have very little fear about this baby. I guess I just wanted to give Vayden his full year, but the more and more people that are finding out are showing me that Vayden is just as if not more important now, and for that I am thankful. I've been keeping a blog for this baby I apologize for the many post that you will have to catch up on. This baby is Due December 10, 2010 and I am not considered high risk because Vayden's condition was non genetic, which is why I haven't seen my midwife yet. My 1st appt is May 13,2010 and I am 100% fine with that, just hoping they only find one baby in there, lol. Despite my good vibes and strong faith I still would love prayers from you all. I am sticking to my word and not making the big Facebook announcement until either after my appt or after Vayden's birthday, so if you are friends with me on facebook nothing on my wall please. :) I will still be blogging on this blog however as stated before this is Vayden's blog so all the post will be about him.

Friday, April 23, 2010

When I Get Upset

I get upset when I look at Vashon playing alone and he looks sad, because I know that my perfect plan of having two kids only 26 months apart was ruined the day Vayden died.

I get upset when I look at his pictures and wonder how he would look now at 11 months old.

I get upset when friends from high school find me on Facebook and fail to acknowledge Vayden, you will not open up a new wound if you say "I'm sorry for your loss" it does not break my heart or make me cry to tell his story.

I get upset whenever I go out and see baby safari bedroom sets, because that was what Vayden's bedroom was going to be.

I get upset when I turn on the news to hear that someone killed a child.

I get upset when I see pregnant women that smoke or drink.

I get upset that I even get upset for my loss when women that suffer from infertility hurt far more than I have.

Today marks 11 heavenly months that Vayden has been away and this month I miss him so much today and I'm watching Vashon play all by himself I am upset.

Happy 11th month in Heaven sweet Vayden, your big brother miss you and mommy and daddy do too.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dear Vayden,

Dear Vayden,

Today marks your 10th month in Heaven, how are you doing up there? We miss you so much, and you are always on my mind. This month has been exciting for all of us. Vashon your older brother is 100% potty trained and he's growing up so fast. I'm excited for the day when I get to sit him down and tell him all about his baby brother Vayden, yet I'm also fearful that at such a young age the understanding of death with throw him into a fearful state of mind about life. We will find the perfect way to explain your story to him so that at his age he understands. Thank you for taking care of your Grampie, he's doing better now and he was the first person in the family to have a dream about you. I must say I'm kind of jealous, he was able to see you walk before I did. I'll wait for my turn to see you in my dreams, and I hope it's a long one. Your Grammie or as Vashon now calls her Nanny thinks of you all the time, and the bitter sweetness of Vashon growing up so fast makes her miss seeing you grow up the same.

Mommy and Daddy finally took a break from life and went on a 7 day cruise. Vayden we had so much fun and it was a much needed break. I just cant bite my tongue when it comes to my babies, and I was able to tell people about you and your brother. Mommy and Daddy are also ready to have another baby, please know that you will never be forgotten or left out. I figure each of my children will have a unique pregnancy so since we knew what Vashon was at 13 wks and the pregnancy with you we knew everything and more than we next baby I plan to go straight old school and know nothing. This will allow me to focus on what truly matters "a healthy baby" .
Happy 10th month in Heaven sweet angel baby, not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
Love always, Mommy
*Picture above - vayden's name written in the sands of a beautiful beach in Cabo San Lucas, MX*
(This post is being published 1 day before Vayden's heavenly marker because I am on the road driving back to OKC)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

9 Months Down......A Lifetime to Go

We are getting close to a year without Vayden and although I'm doing fine, at peace with my loss and have created a wonderful foundation to support others on this journey, I still find myself looking at old photos of me thinking to myself "who would have thought she would lose her baby".

Earlier this month I was asked by my mother to come home because my father was very ill, when a parent tells their child to come home, the 1st thought is that someone is going to die. I didn't want to go home when I got the call, I knew my dad was going to pull through, but I also had 100% faith that Vayden was going to come home at one point. I did go home and my father is doing better, but the thoughts of death were once again placed heavy on my heart. I think I said it before but in my heart many deaths are justifiable or understandable except the deaths of babies and children. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how and why that happens, although I know first hand that it does happen. My father's possible dying weighed heavy on my heart, but sadly I admit that if it was to be his time I would find comfort in knowing that Vayden would have someone there with him. ( I feel horrible thinking such a thing)

I've also hit a revelation in my grief once again, yes I am not perfect.....As complicated as this may sound I both fear and seek death. Please let me explain before you contact suicide watch. I do not want or have any intentions to kill myself, but if I were to die I would be with my son and that is where the seeking part comes in. The fear is something I noticed while chatting with a friend, I hate going anywhere in fear that some stupid driver will t-bone me and I will die prematurely, leaving Vashon and Van behind. It is so complicated how I feel and I don't even know if I used the correct terms. I'm not miserable on earth and I'm sure I wouldn't be miserable in Heaven, it's like I have two worlds to live in and I want both, but can't have them at the same time. To be in these worlds you must either live or die.

Hopefully none of you are worried that I may do something I shouldn't do, I fully know that the choice to live or die is and should only be in the hands of our maker. This is my blog and I just wanted to share with you how I feel. I am going to talk to someone about my overall fear of driving and/or going out, I still have the I don't like big crowds issue, but I'm starting to think that has something to do with my age.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Checking in 8 months later

I usually write more often but I've had terrible bloggers block. I post at least once a month on every heavenly month marker and today marks the 8th heavenly month that sweet Vayden has been gone. Still feels like yesterday but I'm already half way to a year and no where near the lifetime of missing my angel. I really don't have much to say, my grief has been pretty consistent which can mean a few things, I just hope a HUGE wave of sadness wont be coming soon. Every month of Vayden's memory date I do little things to honor him. I change my facebook photo to a picture of him, I write a blog post, and subconsciously our family just takes it easy and spends quality time with each other.

I am very excited for his 1st angel versary which may sound strange but I have so much going on that month with My Very Own Angel and I plan to honor the many accomplishments he's made in just one year. I do not expect that day to be sad, I plan to celebrate angel baby style.

*On a side note, in this last month I've caught the fever........ baby fever as I find myself not speeding through TLC's a baby story while flipping the channels. We've never been preventing but we have been family planning so after our cruise in March we will allow God to do what he needs to do and I will be able to shower and shave on those 3 no no days again. Just kidding :)

I also want to thank a dear follower and friend Sarita for sending my boys these so cute teddy bear pieces, with their birthstones and names on them (sorry for the picture quality but they are amazing) Sarita does not blog herself, but she does have an angel and she does follow many angel family blogs. Thank you Sarita

Happy 8th month in Heaven lil guy, you are still greatly missed.