Monday, August 23, 2010

God's Timing

Happy 15th months in Heaven sweet Vayden, although this post is for you I'm also taking the time to pay my respects to another sweet angel that was welcomed into Heaven just a few days ago. I hope that you are showing him around & being nice, he is a friend of the family.

Before losing Vayden I tried my hardest to look at death as God's Timing, a way to sweeten the bitterness of the loss. But I really only felt that way in peaceful cases of loss, the things you read and see on the news always make me wonder about using the phrase "God's Timing". I was taught to not question God on anything he does. He is my father, I am to obey and he knows what is right for me. When Vayden died I never questioned him but I did let him know how I felt about the situation. So much has come out of Vayden's death, some good, some bad but understanding his loss was easy for me. Justifying his case that it was all in God's Timing is easy, but what happens when it's not?

A friend of the family found their 3 yr old son in the pool a few days ago, this was an accident, a very tragic accident. When I was pregnant I would always focus on a few major facts....that Vayden was a planned pregnancy and that I did everything right. People often want to assume that maybe I was on something or I caused Vayden to have what he had. It's important that they understand that even good parents have a stroke of bad luck every now and then. This is also the case with this family, great parents and then in a moment bad luck.

The night we found out I couldn't sleep, my heart ached for the family but I sat unsettled with God that evening. I just couldn't get it! For the first time I actually asked "Why?". I felt horrible about it as we drove to visit the family on Sunday but I couldn't shake the feeling that passing everything off as "God's Timing" and "God's Will" would make things better. I understand that he wont come back, and I know I'm not going to get an answer. I also know that this may bring something beautiful to the world just as Vayden's loss brought My Very Own Angel.

It just breaks my heart every time I think about it and it opened up a new door for my journey through grief and healing, because on that day I really realized that there is a difference in each case of loss. There we sat with a family that also lost their 2nd son, we were supposed to know their pain, but Van and I both were without words. We knew that although we had something in common we lacked the unfortunate experience they went through. Our son died peacefully in our arms, and their son did not.

I now see that I'm great to support a family that is faced with carrying to term or early infant loss, but I'm still uneasy with using the phrase "God's Timing" in other cases of loss that involve children and tragic events.

God please hold on tight to this family as they walk this journey through loss, grief and healing.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I Will Never Be Her

Today I went to a baby shower for a friend, and although I'm just a few months behind her in my pregnancy I will never be her. I'm glad that Vayden's baby brother is 100% healthy and I do have high hopes for this pregnancy, it's delivery and him...but worry does present itself every now and then. I will never be that new mother so excited and worry free.

I met another mother who told me that 4 weeks before her only daughter was to be born after having two boys her husband got the old snip snip. 4 weeks BEFORE the baby was here, all I could think is how brave they were to take such a permanent step before the baby was born. With all that I know now I'm pretty much against surgical birth control and I'll never be her either.

I always love the woman that buys the bedding and all the clothes, removes the tags and tosses the receipts before the baby is born.........Sure I have clothes and I know what bed set I want, but because I will never be her, I've been procrastinating buying it.

I Will Never Be Her

Thursday, August 12, 2010

An Honor to Vayden and a Wonderful Non Profit

In late July, a local news station contacted me requesting I do a story about Vayden and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I LOVE the organization and everything they do and I was ready to help them in their quest to spread the word about infant loss and support the cause to give families lasting memories during such a tragic time.

The news segment aired today and they did a wonderful job and I am very pleased. I'm so happy that Vayden's memory lives on even 1 year later. Thank you to the staff at FOX News 25 and above all thank you to all the volunteers of NILMDTS.

(You can view the news segment by clicking the photo of Van, myself and Vayden or the hyperlink above that says FOX News 25 )