Saturday, October 23, 2010

What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months


Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Walk To Remember

Today was the annual Walk to Remember for the hospital where Vayden was delivered. This was my 2nd time attending since losing Vayden and I hope to continue to attend every year.

Van was unable to attend last years walk because he was deployed, so in his place my mother came into town to walk with me to remember Vayden. She was unable to come this year, and it was ok, because Van was going to attend until his TDY return date was pushed back at the last minute. I was beyond heartbroken at the thought of having to attend the walk alone, the MOST important thing needed while grieving a loss is support. I was prepared to go alone but definitely didn't want to. I posted about my bad news on Facebook and some of my dear local friends reached out to me offering to join me at the Walk to Remember. I have to say giving up a few hours of your Saturday morning to come out and show your support for my angel is an amazing thing. I am once again sure that there are walking angels in this world.

Getting ready for the walk I painted Vayden's foot print stamp and placed it on my face

At the Walk to Remember with Vashon and baby VJS3

Brenna (pink) and Desirre (white) are two AF wives that I've met just being at Tinker. These two girls are amazing and so supportive, I swear if they ever needed anything I would stop, drop and roll for them. They haven't even known me for more than a year and they came out and supported me and my angel like we've been long time best friends. Brenna actually also gave her time to stay at my house the day of Vayden's memorial service to watch all the kids, so the parents could attend and focus on the service. *Walking angels for sure.*

I met Erin through the OU Family Advisory Council, she's never lost a child, but her son Henry has an amazing story of HLHS. As soon as I posted about Van not being able to make it, she let me know that her and her family would be out at the walk. Again someone I haven't even known a full year lending her time and support to give me that huge smile I have on my face. If the world could only be filled with amazing people like this.

Here is a pic of Vashon and the pond wearing his "My little Brother is an Angel in Heaven" shirt with a stamp of Vayden foot print on the bottom of it.

So I did get a little emotional at the walk, maybe it's the hormones or the fact that Van couldn't be there, but as we watched each pebble make a ripple I saw a HUGE group of people wearing the same t-shirts preparing to take a group photo. It made me really miss having my family so close. I know that if this would have been in my home town we would have had the largest group, I know it's not about the size of the group but the love they all have, I guess I was just a little jealous of the support those two parents had.

At the end of the walk we took one last photo and it came out amazing and even though my group was small, and not my family, they mean so much to me and I am so grateful that they came out to show their support for our family and for Vayden.