Sunday, March 22, 2009

A lil about Vayden

This will be a fun post that you will have to keep an eye on. I've known about Vayden since I was only 3 wks along. Even before all the drama of LUTO due to PUV, this lil one has been something to talk about. I will give you some basics about Vayden thus far and continue to add as I cherish this time with him and take note to some funny and not so funny things about him. I hope this brings a lil light to this blog as I know I've brought many of you to tears with some of the previous post.

Vayden has always and will always hate Jalapenos, however I love them, in fact that is how I figured out that I just might be pregnant. (aside from the ridiculous fight with his father, lol) I had a nacho thing for weeks, before I found out. I wanted nachos all the time I snuck and ate them for breakfast. lol. Vayden however made it very clear to me that he hated them. I spent hrs on the toilet with severe stomach pains. Yet I kept saying "I'm the mama, you will not run me!" and I also kept eating them. To this day his dislike for jalapenos still stands, and I still test him by eating them.

Early in my pregnancy I swore to everyone that Vayden was a girl. However I did not want a girl. But I was sure I was having a girl, because this baby made my hair fall out, my skin break out. I could wave at you and my nail would break off. I grew a 5th wisdom tooth, and I'm almost sure that I started growing hair from my chin, not to mention split ends, smelly gas, an attitude that should have made my husband leave me, and my arm pits smelled. lol. I was sure no boy of mine would do so much damage to me. Must all my kids put me through the ringer?

Vayden loves Starbucks coffee, a white chocolate mocha to be exact. I found that with no swimming pool to flip in coffee gets him going. I normally wouldn't drink coffee during pregnancy but I've been known to kinda spoil my kids, with a decent reason to back up my actions. lol. So every now n then me and Vayden go to Starbucks for our special fix. I just love those baby kicks.

Vayden is so sweet and just like his mom, loves cereal. We (meaning Vayden & I) go through about 3 bxs a week. Yeah, is a matter of fact......I'm going to get a bowl now.........

Vayden loves strawberry ice cream in all forms. Milk shake form, Popsicles, and most of all straight up strawberry ice cream. I've always had a love for any and all ice cream, but with this pregnancy all I want to eat is strawberry flavor.

Vayden likes when I sleep on my back, yet my husband hates it with a passion because I snore so loud. However I've also found that he can deal with me sleeping on my side at times.

Vayden moves most when I'm calm. When I'm reading or just downstairs alone, he's a bouncy baby. Yet when I have to yell at Vashon or chase him down, Vayden hides quietly. I wonder if he's in fear that he's next??? I know many times I say to Vashon " I brought you into this world, I'm not afraid to take you out"

Vayden's sleep is not too bad. I mean yea he's up at night but not all night. I get to feel both in the day and night time.

Vayden has been stubborn since the beginning. Even with the weekly bladder taps that I thought he'd be use to after the 2nd one. Vayden would move out of place or even once tried to grab at the needle. I would say "you better be a star, so I can mention all this on your E! true Hollywood story"

Vayden's name was picked from my close friend Kim, we were the only two that liked the name upon hearing it. Everyone else said he would be teased, being called Darth or Dark Vader (sp) but I don't watch Star Wars, so I have no idea. Is he a good guy or bad guy? either way I've heard he's pretty cool. And so is my son

4/15/2009 - Vayden went on a plane for the first time. The Stewart Family took a nice trip to California and also Las Vegas, NV. I think he was a lil nervous on the plane ride there, he was making me very uncompfortable.

Vayden also got to taste the BEST hamburger I've had in my 25 yrs of life. IN N OUT Burger and boy was it good.

Vayden loved Cali, he moved so much and my belly even grew a bit while we were down there, all that wonderful west coast food will do that to you. Thankfully I only put on 2 lbs in 4 wks. :)

Vayden went to the Beach, The Aquarium, The Lake we fed the ducks, and tour Las Vegas in style.

He also was able to hear the voices of many of my families members who love and have been praying for him.

And I bet you are wondering have I had jalapenos again???? YES, lol I'm still the mama, he wont run me. lol and Yes I was in

Vayden still loves cereal and his big brother got to feel him move. It really freaked Vashon out.

(*Vashon just turned 2 yrs old and well......that's a whole different blog. Blues Clues aka Boos Koos is his favorite show right now, he still parties in his room til 1 am with no diaper on. And no he's not potty trained......yuck. )

* that's all for now about Vayden, I will edit this post often as I find more funny and unique things about my lil boy. I will also continue the usual updates. I did however want to shine some light on this thunderstorm.

Best wishes

Steph & Vayden

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Trying to Take The High Road

I'm almost 26 wks pregnant with a child who's condition has been said to be incompatible with life. I find that now after knowing for about 3 wks now. I have come to terms with his condition and the decision to choose comfort care post birth. In my last attempt to find out about this horrible plague, I found a wonderful support group with some wonderful very supportive people online. I was even so lucky to find 2 mothers who are in my same exact shoes as we speak. Two wonderful women who don't deserve this but two women who have handled themselves in the most mature and elegant manner that I wish to also do the same. Jenn recently had baby Matthew who is in heaven now, and Kelly is soon to have baby Jonah later this week. Like I said i'm number 3. I was directed to read Waiting With Gabriel and I can not put that book down. It's a wonderful story of a woman who is given horrible news like I have been given, chooses the same outcome as I have and takes the high road about it from there and beyond. It's inspiring while also very comforting to know once again this does happen to other people not just me.

My belly is getting bigger and I'm loving my pregnant body, I carry so well, not to toot my own horn. (but toot toot) Vayden I can feel a lot better now, I still cherish every movement. I try to stay calm and content, it seems unlike my wild child Vashon, Vayden likes it better when i'm calm. Just a few days ago Vashon was in bed with me and my belly was showing. He pointed to it and said "baby" I said "yes, baby brother" Vashon went in to give Vayden kisses. I asked him to do it again, but the Aries in him always goes the other way so he hit Vayden instead.

No one knows how they would react if given the same deck of card I've been dealt. Many are shocked by my strength or my beauty to handle and share this with everyone. I find peace in the story of Vayden. I'm not searching for anything more than hugs and prayers, but I am so very thankful to everyone who reads this. Everyone who acknowledges that Vayden is my child, no matter how many breaths he takes outside the womb.

Today I had a Dr. apt. It seems somewhat pointless to be seen now. Yet my midwife took better care of me today than ever before. Instead of just hearing the heart on the doppler, she allowed me to see Vayden via U/S. It was nice to find that he was still head down and nice to see that fuzzy black and white pic of his profile. However it was not nice to see the dilated chest cavity and the absent fluid. I suppose in the back of my mind I asked for the U/S hoping that there would be this large sac of fluid, hoping that Dr.'s would crowd into my room wondering how the hell that happened. I'm always ready to drop to my knees and yell out what a wonderful GOD we have and how he healed my baby. So not seeing it was slightly disappointing. :(

Although I still feel we have a wonderful God, for he has blessed me with Vashon and with Vayden. He has blessed me with the heart and mind to understand that pregnancy and children need not be taken for granted. That carrying a child and birthing them is not just something women do. It's God who blesses them to do so, and it's a job that some never get to take, despite the resume submitted.

On the drive home is when I let my tears out about what I saw on the U/S screen. I turned the radio off to talk to Vayden, that is when I realized that God isn't taking him. God wouldn't give me a child just to take it mins after birth, he doesn't hate me or Vayden. God chose me to give my son up, I still haven't figured out why exactly but i'm not searching for that. I told Vayden some lil things that I plan to tell him once he's in my arms. Like how everyone dies, no one is born to live forever and we in the world don't look at death the right way. We birth babies and think we have a million yrs with them, when in fact we all have to die. I told him that the world as good as it is, is also very bad and hard, that there are people out there that hurt adults and children. I told him about his brother and father. Most of all I told him about Heaven, how there are no tears , no pain, and no suffering in heaven. How this bladder obstruction would not be in heaven, and that's was why we chose to not intervene, because we didn't want to inflict pain on him with no guarantee of a cure. Medicines are used to sustain the inevitable, to prolong the life, but with those medicines come side effects that can damage other parts of the body changing the outlook on life. He could be given a medicine to help his bladder with a side effect to make him blind. So i've fixed one thing yet hurt another. I can not put my baby boy through that. In heaven the word CURE is a guarantee. We want nothing but the best for our children right?

"two of the most primal parental instincts are to keep your child alive and to protect your child from unnecessary pain. Those instincts usually do not collide, with our baby they do" - A. Kuebelbeck"

So I'm trying to take the high road about this. Turn this oh so negative situation into something positive. Enjoy the child i've been given, and see that God chose me. If the saying is true "God gives you nothing you can't handle" then I feel pretty lucky that he views me so strong.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Eyes

The unknowing eye

The unknowing eye, looks at me and says "when are you due?" I resist to answer but say "June" they smile and say "boy or girl" noticing I have one boy already, they hope I say girl. I reply "boy", the look on their face shows a sign of them hiding the fact that they want to say "aww too bad". Like having two boys is torture or something. As I try to move along my way, they continue to talk. Questions surface of names picked out and lil things like how they bet daddy sure is happy to have two champs on his team. I try to keep my mind set that they don't know what really is going on. I remember that to the unknowing eye, I'm only a young woman pregnant, with a belly that is noticeable so they want to rub it and talk about it. Remember pregnancy and children are a beautiful thing. No one thinks about the sad parts or the heartbreaking moments that some un lucky women have to go through.
I try to speed the conversation, although I've never been impolite to strangers, so I re direct to talk about my older son. The one that is running in the isle of the grocery store. But the unknowing eye continues to push towards talking about pregnancy. I wonder how the look of excitement for me will change if I tell them my pregnancy has been said to fail, that with all the stretched belly's, heart burn, morning sickness, hormone changes, back aches, I may not bring home the grand prize. That would be so wrong of me. But it would surely shut them up. But remember they have no idea, they are just making small talk. Aren't we all guilty of that? Thankfully my 2 yr old runs away beyond my eye site, " I must go get my Lil one, nice talking"

The knowing eye

The knowing eye is the same but all too different. They have all the knowledge but no words to stand on. They can't imagine what I'm going through. Some wonder how I wake up in the morning. Some say you are a lot stronger than I would be. I wonder if that is so, or if I'm just masking my pain, my hurt, my tears, for another time? The knowing eye, forgets about my belly, they treat me as nothing is even going on. When I mention the baby some will listen, but most will try to re-direct the conversation to my older son. WOW. How guilty we all can be.
The knowing eye sees me living a reality that I hate so much, they know how horrible it is, but are glad they don't live it. They feel for me but only a few understand. The knowing eye won't hug me until a tear falls out my eye. Even though that hug is what I want and need. Just a hug just a sense of affection that lets me know you think about us and you still care. Everyday is different for me, so the knowing eye will never know if it's a good or a bad day. That hug, just the hug would ease the pain, if only for the minute.

I hold the knowing eyes of a mother who chooses to carry to term, a baby with a condition that is now incompatible with life.

I hold the unknowing eyes of a mother who believes in miracles, but is not sure if she will be granted one.

I hate my eyes.

~Stephanie Stewart

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Baby Kicks

At Wed apt, the dr. told me that movement at this stage wouldn't be consistent. Vayden's space has been compromised due to the lack of fluid. I should just about be able to follow a kick pattern, that is if this were a normal pregnancy. Most days I get to feel Vayden's movement once a day in the very early morning. Yesterday was the best yet, as I lifted my shirt to watch my belly dance. Vayden was bobbing his head, and moving around, I wonder if he went back into the breech position? Either way the dr. said he they wont section me unless my life is at high risk, one less thing to worry about I guess. But feeling those movements are the best thing. I cherish it every morning, and I cry because once is just not enough.

I'm number 3 on the list. What does that mean you ask? Well in my search to find out what the heck this all is, I've found 2 other wonderful women going through the same thing I am, and i'm number 3 to deliver. In fact one will be scheduled to give birth in just a few more weeks. All 3 of us have no idea what our baby's outcomes are going to be, and the fact that i'm number 3 is unsettling. I have no idea why.

I've spoken with my midwife about being induced and we're searching for a date sometime during the end of May or the very 1st week of June. Sometime in April we'll sit down with the midwife, the comfort care people, and a neonate pediatrician to write out a birth plan. WOW, then it will all become even more real than it already has been........... My other son is almost 2 yrs old, I realize how fast time goes but if only I could slow the clock down now.


Friday, March 6, 2009

24 wks pregnant today

March 6, 2009

I have very lil or no fluid. At least on wed it wasn't enough to measure. There are noticeable cyst on the baby's kidneys. He's head down and has his hands like he's praying, the lack of fluid will enable him to move around so he may stay like that. Which is beautiful to me. We don't have a set date for the induction but we're thinking sometime around the last wk of May or the very early 1st wk of June. I don't want my husband to have a hard fathers day. Or I guess a very very hard one. We've selected comfort care post birth which I'm getting a lil bit of negative views on our choice. My husband, I and both our families all agree and believe that this has been out of our hands long ago. So if God wants him, he's going to take him one way or another. The machines that will support his life will only drag out our hurt and have him in pain. However if he wants us to have this lil guy he will bless him and he will be a miracle baby. I've had a good days and very bad days. But i'm making it. I thank you for all the prayers and wonderful thoughts. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and also the worst.

Ok it's bad.... 2/26 -2/28

UPDATE - 2/26/09 - Yesterday was un real, even though I already knew what was going to be said. LUTO is a horrible thing, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone or anyone's child. It's only the devil. His kidneys have failed. Intervention is over and I will carry Vayden to term, deliver and let him go home to be with GOD. There are no words that can explain the feeling you have feeling your baby move inside you and grow inside you, but knowing that you wont take him home. I'm angry. I have every right to be angry with GOD right now. I have not lost my faithfulness to him, but damn it I'm angry. I wanted this baby I love this baby, I did everything to protect him. The Dr's did everything they could aside from putting my life at risk. This is wrong and un fair. So please spare me the GOD has a plan for us. Because right now it's the last thing I want to hear. Even if it is true. Please spare me the medical advice, telling me I should seek a second opinion. Been there done that. Please understand that there are two major factors that will kill him once we detach, his renal failure and immature lungs, I will not put my child on life support mins after birth. Vayden isn't suffering right now and he also will not suffer out of the womb. He will be in his mommy's arms. Die in his mommy's arms. And we will have his grandmothers present along with his daddy, he will know that he was, is ,and always will be loved. We will never forget Vayden. We will always mourn the loss of my 2nd baby boy. I've found a resource that will come to the hospital and take very tasteful pictures of his 1st and last moments with the ppl that love him most. Please as my friends and family, don't look at this as just a loss of pregnancy, he is a baby and will more than likely be born alive, so this is a loss of a child and we should never forget him. I want to thank you all for the prayers please continue them as we need strength to get through this heartbreak. * I will continue to update this blog often.

UPDATE - 2/28/09 - The kind words and caring prayers and thoughts mean so much during this hard time. I believe that I've cried so hard and stressed so far that I forgot to remember that I'm still pregnant. I missed about a wk of my prenatals, stopped eating, and only drank like 2 cups of water. Thankfully that was only for a week. I even stopped feeling Vayden move. I believe I wasn't even looking for it. But as I sit here right now, reading your replys he's moving. At 23 wks the kick should be harder, but given my placenta being in the front and the low fluid around him, these kicks match the feelings of 1st flutters. But I know he's still alive. I believe that a babys life starts even before they take their 1st breath. So i've decided to stand with my faith and still hold my GOD to the things I know he can do. Perform Miracles. It's not over until it's over with this lil guy. I am still pregnant. I will still see my midwife monthly, I will still take my pre natals, still eat and drink lots of water. But most of all still have faith. Still pray that Vayden will be my miracle story to share with the world. At the same time. I'm aware and not in denial of what the Dr.'s have told us. I still hurt from it. But it's not going to make me kill myself. So if it's not going to do that. Then what else can it do? I've made the choice to continue the pregnancy, I have 17 more wks and I can't spend that time mourning a child I have not yet lost. So as I've said before. If God wants him, he's gonna have to take him. If he does, I will give him up, and it will hurt, but I will continue to pray for a total and complete healing. I have done everything I can as a human on earth. If i'm gonna worry about it, I can't pray about it, and if i'm gonna pray about it, I can't worry about it. God bless you all, and your families. I will have good and bad days I know. Days of defeat. But it's not over until it's truly over

Bad news, But how bad?? 2/20 - 2/23

UPDATE - 2/20/09 - I'm in shock right now so bare with me. But the dr. just called and our baby boy's kidneys are getting close to end of stage. Now the ? is coming up to terminate or to let nature take it's course which will more than likely end in death before or shortly after birth. Right now the dr is allowing two more serial urine taps to be done over the course of 3 days to get the freshest of fresh urine, my mother is also going to speak with the dr. to get a better grasp on what all is going on. It's harder for the mother to take in everything, so her second set of ears may have something better to hear. Still hoping for a miracle and praying for the best. GOD we're down to about a week now, it's time for a healing. thank you for all ur prayers, now just keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we go through this tough tough time.

UPDATE - 2/23/09 - 1 day before my apt and i've been crying researching and getting as much info as I can to ask as many questions as I can. But so far this is what I know : Yesterday I called a dr. in cali that deals with LUTO on a regular. Not that my dr. isn't great I just wanted to get some info from him and being that I contacted them upon finding out about it, they've asked me to keep in touch. I've had a couple days to IDK view the matter at hands that we are now dealing with. I know that my dr. doesn't jive patients, but I somehow think he has a lil heart for me and my family and is now starting to put the sugar on things just a lil. I was under the impression that we've come to the end of the road. That in some way some how this is supposed to be. Have I accepted? NO. But I have accepted that I love my baby, I don't want him to suffer, I've done everything the best way I knew how, I did not do this to him. I've also done everything that I've possibly been able to do to save his life and better his health. After speaking with this dr and his RN this LUTO is no joke. There is no grey area in this matter and long term is not just a small surgery away. At this point if my son lived which he feels is rare he would come into this world with full renal failure immature lungs, he would then be on dialysis over 8 hrs a day and I would have to Cathe him every 4 hrs. Until he makes it to donor age and weight, 1 yr and 22 lbs (Vashon just made 22 lbs last month). The true upsetting news is that I didn't realize that I was his life support. I thought that after my fluid became basically nothing, then he would pass. That is not really the case, and I could have to carry this baby for another 17-18 wks. Or I can have a therapeutic termination where I labor and give birth. I'm so upset and torn because I can not wrap my thoughts around either. This baby will continue to grow and move for 18 more wks and all that while i'll know that his lungs stopped developing at 23 wks and his kidneys are non functioning. If one doesn't kill him the other will shortly after birth. I really am so heartbroken right now. I really thought that if I went against termination I would carry him for a few more wks my fluid is already very low and then after he passed inutero I would deli ever. The fact is that I will more than likely either way I choose deliver a live baby that will die shortly afterwards. What do I do?

Update 2/2 - 2/4

UPDATE - 2/2/09 - Today we went in, after a ten day wait period from when we found out about the LUTO. The babys bladder was once again enlarged, but my fluid was doing ok. My husband the Dr. and I all agreed that it's time to intervene. We will have a shunt placed into the babys bladder on 2/3/09, that will allow his urine to come out into the sac so that his lungs can better mature. Fetal shunts are not a cure, and they can fall out, or the baby can take them out. But right now it's worth a shot at saving his life. We are still holding our faith in GOD that he will get us through this and are staying positive about everything. Please keep us all in your prayers as you have been. thank you

UPDATE-2/4/09 - Yesterday I went in for fetal surgery to place a shunt into the babys bladder. I was told not to eat or drink after midnight, and was supposed to check in at 11am. We followed all the directions. I was released from the hospital 12 hrs later. The surgery did not go as well as we hoped, in fact it didn't take place at all. On Monday the baby was breech a perfect position for the dr. to get to his bladder. 15 min before I was taken to the OR given a spinal and epidural mix, already hooked up to and IV and had been hungry for somewhere around 15 hrs the Dr. did another u/s and the baby was still breech in a great position. I signed all the final forms I needed, kissed my husband and was take to the OR. They got the spinal in, which IMO hurts way more than the epidural, gave me some meds to make me relax, then they place a Cathe in me since I had no control of my lower body. Well draining my bladder made our son move from his perfect position to right under my anterior placenta. The quickly tried to re fill my bladder, tried to push the baby, but he would jump back in place them jump right back out of place. After about 45 min - 1 hr of that, the Dr. said it's too risky to try the surgery. He looked up at me and confirmed what I thought I just heard him say to his U/S tech, and said that he would drain the babys bladder and once again do an amnio infusion. He also told me that we would have to take that route until he feels it's a better time to try the surgery again. My heart was not broken from the news, I still hold a high faith that GOD is hard at work and with the baby being in such a perfect place and then not even 30 min later he moved to an unsafe place, means that maybe it just wasn't time for him to receive the surgery. I was a bit heart broken at what I went through to get something that can be done in a clinic. My legs were numb for over 6 hrs, and the recovery of the spinal is a lil painful, but i'm emotionally worn out, tired and I was so hungry by the time I was able to eat I didn't want to eat. This morning I'm feeling sore in my back from the spinal and just a lil bit not myself. I know I'm strong but how strong am I really? It seems like my attempts to give my son the best start at life keep failing. I took pre natals well before becoming pregnant, this matter was caught early enough for intervention but then the 1st intervention failed. I'm afraid to go into my belly with a needle once a week. I can only keep my faith and believe that GOD is handling this, because I surely am not. On top of it all. I can't be Stephanee, I can't go to work, I can't be the best mother to Vashon and the best wife to Van. All in the same time that we're moving and my husband has to be studying, he has to be an airman, super dad, super husband, and just a super hero, and it break my heart I can't help take just a lil of the stress off him. I'm his wife and I'm supposed to do that. Thank you all for the prayers we still need them. I still need the uplifting words, to keep the tears out my eyes. Because I know God has this and that he will not give me more than I can bare. I just know that I have not been poked with more needles in my lifetime, than I have in this short 19 wks. Thank you again, God Bless you all and your families.

Everything was fine, Until......

Jan 21 -26

As many of you know I'm expecting my second baby. This was a planned pregnancy that didn't take many months of trying. I took pre natals prior to becoming pregnant and made sure I wasn't doing some of the naughty things I did prior to knowing I was pregnant with Vashon. Besides morning sickness and bad skin and minor complaints the pregnancy has been smooth. Today I went in fot the BIG ultrasound. That is when I learned that our baby who is more than likely a baby boy suffers from Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction (LUTO). Basically in the process of developing a flap of skin covers the penis hole making it unable for urine to come out. That being said, the bladder is very large and the there is not alot of amniotic fluid. Without that fluid a baby in utero's lungs can not grow. Also with a bladder that is full the kidneys are forced to work xtra hard and could fail. Luckily this matter was caught somewhat early. I still had some fluid left and the bladder had not blown up. Within mins my world was turned upside down. I was very lucky to have a wonderful friend by my side who phone my husband and stepped up to take care of Vashon since multiple procedures where going to be done. I had an amnio to drain the baby's bladder and also take a lil fluid to test it. I also had a reverse amnio to put fake fluid inside me. It did not feel good and I was very scared but Van was by my side and the dr. was great. The baby is fine great heart beat and still moving. I should get results back in a few days. If it turns out that they've caught this early enough. Intervention will basically be the amnio and reverse amnio every week until i get to term. If the results are poor then nature will take it's course. The good thing is that they caught it early and once the baby is out it's a small procedure to correct the problem and the baby will go on to live a long healthy life. We are doing fine. A bit numb from the news but strong in our faith that we have come to far to turn around now. This is a very very rare thing. about 1 in every 500 so I have faith that as rare as this has occurred will be as rare as it will clear it's self up. Basically I hear what the dr.'s say but i'm staying strong that i'm a christian woman, who believes in GOD over medicine. I will do everything the dr.'s want me to but I still hold a higher faith that a miracle is in our favor. There is power is prayer and that is what we need right now. So if you all could be our warriors in prayer that would be great. I'll keep you updated with any further info as I get it. Thank you Kim for being so great being there and taking care of Vashon you are wonderful friend

UPDATE - Got the call from the genetic counselor they have a few more test that will take about another wk, but so far the chromo test they have gotten back are all normal no down syndrome or any other chromo matters. So this issue is just developmental. And baby is for sure a BOY - we still have some lakes to cross but already our prayers have been answered and we thank you all, would like you to keep the prayers going

I Just Know I'm Knocked Up

Oct 2008

Things were going great. I had a wonderful job, me and the hubby are getting along, Vashon, well he's always either good or bad, he's a toddler. lol I remember like yesterday, it's the morning of Kristen's baby shower, i'm one of the host. The moon must have been full the night before. Van & I get into this blow up fight over a hot dog I threw away. The thing had hair on it. It really did. I remember storming out the house in tears, when I told the story to my girlfriends at the shower, I said I better be pregnant for this s&i%. Before I found out I was pregnant with Vashon we just about broke up over a fight he started because I was watching TV with the light on. He can start a stupid fight but I can use my sharp tongue to make it a blow up issue. Things we learned to work on :)

I still have baby fever. I take a second job @ a child watch to save up $$ so that we can have a good xmas, remember gas is now $2.79 gal. My 1st day of the 2nd job was horrible. I drove home in angry tears, I didn't stop crying until the next day. I just know i'm pregnant........

It's Oct 16th my hubby is up getting ready for wrk. I get up and go into my bathroom to pee on a stick. Within sec the cool digital pregnancy test says "pregnant" I was in shock. I guess I was happy. or was I????

I hide the test Van goes to work, I call my BFF Jessica, and tell her the news, by this time, I'm looking in the mirror thinking "what have you done?" After all that baby fever when I finally get pregnant i'm scared. The fear turned to excitement while the reality of having two kids under 2 sunk in. I surprised Van with signs all over the bathroom "We're Pregnant"

Catch up time

I've been sending out personal emails and blogging on myspace up until now. This is for everyone involved in Vayden's life, who wants to be updated, on him, on myself on our family. Since this is titled through my mothers eyes... I will start from the beginning of this journey with Vayden, even before anything was known to be wrong. Thank you for reading and viewing this situation through my eyes.


It's Aug 2008, We're driving home from Muskogee, we had a weekend visit with my MIL. Van has never been a talker so I jump on the fact that he had no where to go, lol. I say "It's time to have another baby" He pretends as he doesn't hear me. I set out my plan, because Vashon was not planned, at all. In fact Vashon was not known of until I was 8 wks along. We agreed to have two kids, at least with my 2nd I could know what was going on and feel a lil bit in control.

We discussed his job, being that he's in the AF nothing is set in stone, but I can admit that I wanted him there for the birth, so planning a pregnancy was what I thought the best thing to do. He asked for a few days to think about it. I think he knew I was gonna get my baby either way, he just wanted to be in control. MEN! A few days past and my baby fever was spiking to a dangerous level. I wanted a baby bad. I woke up every morning @ 5am to watch baby shows, I was already ready. I got off the BC pill and quit taking my blood pressure meds. I starting taking prenatal and working out. I wanted all my untied shoe strings tied. Went to the dr. made sure nothing was wrong. I picked my midwife before I was even pregnant.

I remember when he said ok, I was on cloud 9. He can never say I tricked him, lol. I also remember sneaking small bags in the house full of Ovulation Prediction Kits and Pregnancy test. I loved peeing on a stick, but knew he would laugh and think i'm crazy. I snuck online while he was gone to look up the best ways to get pregnant. Baby fever temp was beyond dangerously was deadly..........