Saturday, October 23, 2010

What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months

Vayden,

Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

9 comments:

  1. It is so hard to think about all the what could have beens and the hole that is left behind by our children who are no longer with us. Thinking of you my friend and wishing you strength when you need it most and hope that you are soon holding a healthy beautiful new life.

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  2. Remembering little Vayden with you - he left behind a legacy of bravery and love. xoxoxo

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  3. Baby girl, you have a scar that will never heal completely, but scars can become beautiful marks to remind us of the victory achieved through the pain experianced. Vayden is truly special and will be missed and remembered always, you will soon have three boys all with their own specialness who love you, thier very special mommy, deeply! You will be fine with the baby and with Vashon just as you were amazing for Vayden's short stay and beyond. Love, your mom

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  4. Always thinking of you and Vayden. It's hard thinking of the way things might have been but all the people that Vayden's life as touched with things started for others through him is just wonderful. I know that we are forever changed.

    Love you
    Caroline

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  5. Your writing always touches me. I feel like I am reading something written by my very own hands. Our babies died so close together and am also pregnant again, but everything is different. Its hard to be excited about something you know can be ripped away in a second...for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

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  6. It would be so very wonderful to have all 3 of them home together that's for sure.
    Last line-so true.

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  7. Your posts are always so warm and heartfelt. I am glad to know you through this blog and babyfit! Praying for you always!

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  8. Your love for Vayden exudes from the screen. Vayden is a special little boy.

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  9. I imagine those scenarios each day. They eat away at me. What it would be like to see my son with his baby sister.

    We have not bought more than 3 items for this new baby & each one I wonder if we will use it. The excitement this time around is much much different.

    Thinking of you and your 3 boys.

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