Friday, April 23, 2010

When I Get Upset

I get upset when I look at Vashon playing alone and he looks sad, because I know that my perfect plan of having two kids only 26 months apart was ruined the day Vayden died.

I get upset when I look at his pictures and wonder how he would look now at 11 months old.

I get upset when friends from high school find me on Facebook and fail to acknowledge Vayden, you will not open up a new wound if you say "I'm sorry for your loss" it does not break my heart or make me cry to tell his story.

I get upset whenever I go out and see baby safari bedroom sets, because that was what Vayden's bedroom was going to be.

I get upset when I turn on the news to hear that someone killed a child.

I get upset when I see pregnant women that smoke or drink.

I get upset that I even get upset for my loss when women that suffer from infertility hurt far more than I have.

Today marks 11 heavenly months that Vayden has been away and this month I miss him so much today and I'm watching Vashon play all by himself I am upset.

Happy 11th month in Heaven sweet Vayden, your big brother miss you and mommy and daddy do too.


  1. Your stength still amazes me Steph. You are truly amazing. Even being upset, you still know that your sweet Vayden is in heaven looking down on you. God is taking extra special care of him. *hugs*

  2. Happy 11 months sweet boy! xx

  3. Happy 11 months in Heaven, Vayden! Your mommy and daddy and big brother miss you bunches! ♥

    I understand all that you get upset about!

  4. Me, too. I hate it that Reese doesn't have his little brother to play with right now. I often think of all the things they would be doing together....and how fun it would be.
    Thinking of you....

  5. Happy 11 months Vayden !!! {{HUGS}} to Mom and Dad. Thinking of you !!

  6. Praying for comfort for you and your family's hearts, Stephanie.For 11 months,Vayden has been with Jesus, and I know you miss him very much and will love him always.Happy 11 months in Heaven, Angel.

  7. Happy 11 months in heaven, sweet and prayers for you, dear friend...

  8. Happy 11 months in heaven, Vayden!
    Stephanie you are a beautiful mommy to both of your boys.

  9. Stephanie,You don't know me i grew up with your Mother neighbors and friends. I just found her on facebook. I will start by saying what a great spirit you have with all the loss you and your family have endured I can only say how truly sorry i am for the pain you all have gone threw. Having said that I know that the strength you have can only come from Our Risen Savior Jesus and he has done a great work with you my dear. I to loss a child. I misscarried @ 5 and 1/2 months not pretty. But even then God kept me. Those not knowing God are the one's I feel most sorry for. Because without Him we are Nothing. I see the strength of your Grandmother in your eyes Miss Gladys was the prayer warrior of the Hilltop and still is I'm sure. Anyway I just wanted to say Bless you and your family. This site has to encourage those who have lost a child. I know it made me think of my little boy and It also made me smile because I know where he is....He arrived in heaven in 1986 and he is watching your son play now. My your plans for more children be fulfilled with promise. Be well Stephaine.
    In Christ Love
    Tunisia Thompson Stanford

  10. Feeling sad because because you feel sad...feeling that your pain isn't as great as someone who has suffered infertility... oh yes...I hear you. Yet I know that loss. pain. The suffering that surrounds loss is vast and harsh. Don't add insult to injury... in your experience, this pain rips from within. You don't need to question it's worthiness on a scale of pain suffered in the world. I'm saying this to me as well as you. Losing a child after having a healthy one is wretched. I have five sons that are alive...and lost my twins last year. Every day that goes by is filled with awareness of the stage that my twins would be at...not a day goes by unfilled with understanding of the magnitude of what we've lost. Memories of my babies fill the losses of memory never made with their little brothers. It's a different pain. Different kinds of issues. And no less than any other pain. Yesterday I heard a woman wailing at the vets office. Her dog had died...and her cry of internal pain ripped through the entire office. And I found myself crying for her...with her. Her precious pet was gone, and her pain was real, no less real than my own. And in that moment...she was my sister.