I should be gearing up for the last of day preK for Vayden. He would be a sweet 5 year old, with bundles of knowledge and that cute little kid voice. You know, the one that has that sweet innocent tone, but you can understand everything they say. 5 year olds remember words to songs, and read simple 2-3 letter sight words. It’s an awesome age if you think about it, while they crave for independence, they also still need you. You are the coolest mom or dad in the whole world and everything they do changes day by day.
I could go on and on about the type of 5 year old Vayden would be, but instead I will just write a quick update about how I’m doing and how the family is doing 5 years later…….
We’re still in California, loving it and the beautiful weather my heart strings pull often, longing for that community life we had in Oklahoma. I am a small fish out here, and the infant loss community is spread out so far it’s hard to truly connect. A fellow military spouse and myself put together Travis AFB’s first annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss – Walk to remember last October. We did it in only 2 months time, and had a turnout of about 75 people to walk and support the cause. It was nice to honor Vayden, we plan to continue these walks annually in October.
Van and the boys are great, Vashon and Varen often have sibling spats that I can’t help but wonder if it’s only because of their age difference. I mean 3 and 7 is tough, Vashon can play video and board games that Varen just doesn’t understand, Vashon is allowed to play outside unaccompanied but Varen can’t, however all Varen wants to do is be with Vashon and do what Vashon does. We have no choice but to work through the age gap, but that never changes how I feel about it and it does get difficult at times.
A popular question for me is how am I doing? I have my days, my “why me” days, the “it’s not fair” days, and my most recent day was “did that really happen to me? Did I really lose a child?” Then I get this boost, this amazing energy from within and it all stems from the love and support from those around me. I mean I have the BEST support network. I have met some wonderful people, and have done some wonderful things because of Vayden. That is amazing; to know that people, even strangers love him and admire the things I’ve done in memory of him. So to answer the question, I’m doing well, I’m human, but I have way more good days than bad now that we’re 5 years post loss.
Today was wonderful as the loved poured in from all over. Simple reminders that all of you love my family and most of all Vayden. You are the ones who keep his memory alive. I am forever grateful to all of you.
Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday Vayden, I know you’re perfect in Heaven; I miss you so very much.