Saturday, May 23, 2015

The Color of Love

I saw this quote that said "At times I fit into lyrics, more than I fit into life" therapy is what I call it. I have been using that a lot more these days. Have you ever heard a song and it was almost like it was written for you? I've been feeling like that for quite some time lately.

The songs we used for Vayden's memorial slide show hold so much importance. Color of Love by Boyz II Men. That song tells such a warming story of living and learning to love. Vayden taught me so much about love, true, real and honest love. I go back every year the week before his birthday, I read my blog and relive what I went through, this is how I continue to heal each year. I had so much love, and passion for Vayden from the moment I found out something was wrong. Fight or Flight, and I was all fight. I educated myself on anything and everything to do with his condition, I tortured myself with things that would break any person with a heart and soul. I overly prepared myself, and when I found out there was just no more for me to do, I didn't quit (despite what some may think) I LOVED. I loved enough to know that to much damage had been done, that healing would come in the loss and that the pain, stress, & agony was no longer what either of us needed. Vayden fought, and I fought too, but at some point we were fighting two different battles, until we got on the same page. In a past post, I said....."I just want time, anytime, just time" and he gave that to me, because he loved me, and I let him go because I loved him.

So from in the lyrics of the song

So how I want to thank you,
I can't thank you enough,
For showing me the meaning,
The meaning of true love,
 When I was lost and so in need you opened up your heart
 When I needed you to comfort me you opened up you arms
 I couldn't face another day you said don't be afraid
You showed my heart the, showed me the way

Vayden never left me, because the things he taught me stay with me in my heart, he taught me true love and it feels absolutely amazing.

Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday Vayden, I always miss, I will always love you, and thank you for showing me what true really is.

Love Always,

Friday, May 23, 2014

A Milestone Type of Year..... Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday

I should be gearing up for the last of day preK for Vayden. He would be a sweet 5 year old, with bundles of knowledge and that cute little kid voice. You know, the one that has that sweet innocent tone, but you can understand everything they say. 5 year olds remember words to songs, and read simple 2-3 letter sight words. It’s an awesome age if you think about it, while they crave for independence, they also still need you. You are the coolest mom or dad in the whole world and everything they do changes day by day.

I could go on and on about the type of 5 year old Vayden would be, but instead I will just write a quick update about how I’m doing and how the family is doing 5 years later…….

A popular question for me is how am I doing? I have my days, my “why me” days, the “it’s not fair” days, and my most recent day was “did that really happen to me? Did I really lose a child?” Then I get this boost, this amazing energy from within and it all stems from the love and support from those around me. I mean I have the BEST support network. I have met some wonderful people, and have done some wonderful things because of Vayden. That is amazing; to know that people, even strangers love him and admire the things I’ve done in memory of him. So to answer the question, I’m doing well, I’m human, but I have way more good days than bad now that we’re 5 years post loss.
Today was wonderful as the loved poured in from all over. Simple reminders that all of you love my family and most of all Vayden. You are the ones who keep his memory alive. I am forever grateful to all of you.  

Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday Vayden, I know you’re perfect in Heaven; I miss you so very much.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

4th Bithday......Already

It's hard to believe that it has been 4 yrs since Vayden was born.I miss him so much, have been so busy and he has brought so many wonderful things to my life and my ability to support other infant loss families. What was once an online support has grown into a paid position with a wonderful non profit organization, I get to help families who suffer a loss as a job, and while some people may say "I don't know how you find that exciting" I say, "I get to show another woman, that even though she feels like she's going to die, even though right now she wants to die, she will not die. She will not die because I didn't die, and that's what makes this the best job ever"  I get to show people how to walk the journey, and the best part of it is when they ask "how do you know?" I can reply "because I did it already".

This job is so special because my story is my training, my heart makes me the ideal candidate for the job and my boss and the rest of the staff I work with love me, believe in my and most of all love Vayden.

4 years seems like a long time, so much has changed since 2009. We've added a member to our family, lost some loved ones, and our biggest change was our most recent move from Moore, OK to California. Man am I glad that I fought to have Vayden cremated. I would have been so broken hearted leaving him behind in OKC. I seriously never thought we would leave Oklahoma, but that is the life of the USAF.

While you all wish Vayden a 4th Heavenly Birthday, please remember and keep in your thoughts and prayers the city of Moore, OK. That tornado was seriously heartbreaking and Moore was our home for many years.

Happy 4th Vayden, I know the color of love and it lives inside of you.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Vayden

Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Vayden. Gosh 3 years it's been, seems like so long. I'm sure i'll be really saying Gosh when May 23rd comes around in 15 yrs. My sweet son, you are missed everyday, but mourning I don't do often. I'm more at a place of remembering, our time together was so precious and while short will be in my memory for a lifetime.

I've been asked why I don't blog often, or anymore for that matter. Well, here is the truth. Honestly I have little to say. Suprisingly while pregnant with Vayden, you couldn't shut me up, but like I said above, blogging was my way to navigate through my grief and my mourning period is up. I do and always will still hurt from the loss of my son, but I am at a great peace.

Vayden on your 3rd birthday I want you to know I love you, and I thank you. You are the reason I have such great peace, you are my heart, you are my hero, and you are my sunshine.

Happy Birthday son .

Love Mommy

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

So it's been 2 yrs 1 month since my sweet Vayden passed away and every day I find myself adjusting and understanding what is now normal in my life. It's normal for me to tell people that ask that I have 3 children. It's normal for them to question the 3 when they only see 2 and are told that Vashon is my 1st and Varen in my last. Telling Vayden's story to strangers is like telling them my name. I don't blink, hang my head or get teary eyed anymore. It's also normal for me to try to include Vayden in our daily lives, but it's also getting hard.
Does time heal all wounds?
I think it does. I still have the scars from my loss, those will never go away. I see them everyday, I'm reminded everyday that one of my kids is no longer with me. But sometimes I forget the pain I went through while carrying Vayden, and sometimes I forget the pain I went through in the early months after the loss. I sometimes read over my posts from the past, the rawness of the words I wrote, the feelings I had. Even I am brought to tears, I understand why people say they can't read my blog or when they do all they do is cry. The honesty of those emotions even bring me to tears. I can't even believe I felt those things, I can't even believe I went through that. Then I glance over at Vayden's photo on my shelf and all I can do is hang my head a little low and miss my baby.
It's a catch 22 because I know in my heart that if Vayden were here, Varen would not be here. So I don't know, am I blessed because I've had the pleasure of carrying and giving birth to 3 wonderful beautiful boys ? or Would I have been blessed with just Vashon and Vayden and never having to experience such a great loss? I guess I would say I'm blessed to have been able to have all 3 of my boys even if Vayden was only for a short time.
So when will my broken heart mend? Probably the day I see Vayden again.
25 months without you my sweet love.

Monday, May 23, 2011

In 2 yrs you've touched so many lives

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday Vayden. This experience has taught me so much, it has built me into such a different person. Many people tell me how strong I am. How if faced with the same situation they would not be able to get through it like I have. I suppose I would have said the same thing before it happened to me, but I thank them for their kind words. I had no idea what to write about on your 2nd angel day, there is a certain calm I have now that 2 yrs have past. I miss you like crazy, wish you were here, but I know you had a bigger and better purpose. Today I googled your name and was pleasantly surprised to find the entire first page full of links to this blog or My Very Own Angel stuff. I also came across the links of all the media we've done for you. I was shocked at how many times we've done a new segment or article. You will surely never be forgotten, with such a unique name and beautiful face, you were truly too perfect for earth. I gathered all the links to every media article we've done over the last two years and placed them in each of the 7 photos on this post. (click each photo it will take you to the links of each story)

Although I've slowed down the activity of My Very Own Angel, I still have teddy bear donations scheduled for this year and plan to regain activity once my busy life slows down a little and my living children are a bit older. In 2 yrs we've donated over 345 teddy bears to local Oklahoma City Hospitals, sent out over 20 carrying to term comfort packages. There are so many women wearing "I Have My Very Own Angel " t-shirts and the website full of wonderful useful information on carrying to term is a will still be active.

Vayden James Stewart was born May 23,2009 @ Midnight and lived for 3 hrs and 45 min

Vayden has an older brother Vashon Jordan, and now a younger brother Varen Jacob.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Vayden & and his Grandfather

Today marks the 23rd month without my sweet baby Vayden. He received a wonderful early 2nd birthday gift by having his only grandpa join him in Heaven.

It is with sadness that I have to tell you all that my father (Marvin James Nolan) has passed away. I'm currently in California visiting my family with the boys, I've been here since early March. When I got here my parents told me that it was a high possibility that my dad had cancer. We were unsure of the stage and primary site at the time. After a few weeks of test it was found last Friday that it was pancreatic cancer that had spread to the colon, omentum and liver. It was in a very severe stage and they gave him 6 months to live.

On Monday he was having severe pain and went to the ER at that visit the 6 month prognosis changed to 2 months. Yesterday peacefully at home among his family my daddy took his last breath and went to sleep.

Many of you may know my father had other pre existing conditions and has been in a wheel chair for the greater part of his adult life. He has been through a lot medically, while he's also lived a great life full of many achievements. He was an amazing daddy and I have always been very close to him. I'm glad I was here with him to enjoy his last times together. I'm also glad that he is no longer in pain. But I do miss him so so very much.

My dad has now had the pleasure of meeting all of his grandchildren from me.

Vashon Jordan

He was there in the delivery room when Vashon was born. He calls him Koo Koo and the rides in his electric wheel chair he calls the Cadillac will be something that Vashon will always remember. Vashon is daddy's first grandchild. His pride and joy. And I am blessed to have many many photos of them together.

Vayden James

Vayden was named to honor my father and to keep the J in our lil complex of having VJS kids. My dad spoke to Vayden while I was pregnant but was unable to come to Oklahoma when he was born. He's still so very special to him and my dad purchased a lil angel statue that had moving wings for Vayden. My dad is also the only person in our family that has had a clear dream about Vayden.

Varen Jacob

Coming to California in March was the first time my dad got to meet Varen and I am so happy that we came when we did. I don't have a billion pictures of dad with Varen but I do have a good amount and this picture above is a photo of Varen giving my dad what he called therapy. He loved this lil guy and I'm so blessed and happy that my dad got to spend some quality time with him.

Vayden, sweety in one month you will be 2 yrs old and you have an amazing grandpa there with you, show him around and let him meet all your lil angel friends and Micheal Jackson too. :)

Take care of him when he has those sad days and show him that window you look out of that shows you how everyone is doing. Watch over everyone but especially your nanny because she's had grampie since she was 13 yrs old and it's going to be hard for her to be without him. I have so many reasons to want to be where you are but i'll wait til it's time and you and grampie are ready for me.

In honor and paying my respects I love you so much daddy and Vayden you are always and will always be my heart. May you both rest in peace.

Happy 23 months Vayden and daddy I love you.