Tuesday, February 23, 2010

9 Months Down......A Lifetime to Go

We are getting close to a year without Vayden and although I'm doing fine, at peace with my loss and have created a wonderful foundation to support others on this journey, I still find myself looking at old photos of me thinking to myself "who would have thought she would lose her baby".

Earlier this month I was asked by my mother to come home because my father was very ill, when a parent tells their child to come home, the 1st thought is that someone is going to die. I didn't want to go home when I got the call, I knew my dad was going to pull through, but I also had 100% faith that Vayden was going to come home at one point. I did go home and my father is doing better, but the thoughts of death were once again placed heavy on my heart. I think I said it before but in my heart many deaths are justifiable or understandable except the deaths of babies and children. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how and why that happens, although I know first hand that it does happen. My father's possible dying weighed heavy on my heart, but sadly I admit that if it was to be his time I would find comfort in knowing that Vayden would have someone there with him. ( I feel horrible thinking such a thing)

I've also hit a revelation in my grief once again, yes I am not perfect.....As complicated as this may sound I both fear and seek death. Please let me explain before you contact suicide watch. I do not want or have any intentions to kill myself, but if I were to die I would be with my son and that is where the seeking part comes in. The fear is something I noticed while chatting with a friend, I hate going anywhere in fear that some stupid driver will t-bone me and I will die prematurely, leaving Vashon and Van behind. It is so complicated how I feel and I don't even know if I used the correct terms. I'm not miserable on earth and I'm sure I wouldn't be miserable in Heaven, it's like I have two worlds to live in and I want both, but can't have them at the same time. To be in these worlds you must either live or die.

Hopefully none of you are worried that I may do something I shouldn't do, I fully know that the choice to live or die is and should only be in the hands of our maker. This is my blog and I just wanted to share with you how I feel. I am going to talk to someone about my overall fear of driving and/or going out, I still have the I don't like big crowds issue, but I'm starting to think that has something to do with my age.