Saturday, September 26, 2009

Raise your hand if you want another baby

If you asked me that question in a room of mothers who have angels, I might be the only one with my hands in my lap. I've met so many women on this journey, walking on the same path of infant loss, yet while they shift left to start trying again I walk straight. On my walk I meet and pick up stranded new mothers on this road trip, those that choose to carry to term, those that just recently suffered a loss, or those who trust me enough to share the story of their very own angel. My road trip is not depressing and contrary to others beliefs doing what I do does not leave me stagnate in one place of my grief. I learn something new every day about grief, I teach someone something new everyday about loss.

I love the memories, I have a photo of Vayden on my desk at home and every time I look at it, I smile. When I go back to the day I smile and I keep smiling, because I know he's smiling at me. New babies are very time consuming, before I raise my hand when asked if I want another baby I want to be sure that even with the new baby, I wont leave out my other two babies. That means that I will continue My Very Own Angel and play "I see you" with Vashon over and over again. My mom told me after I had Vashon, not to think about having another baby until he got his time to shine. I think I'm going to do the same with Vayden. Speaking of shinning, Vayden at only 3 heavenly months old made the local news click this link

I've said it before if it is for me to have another baby, then God will make it happen, if it's not I will always be a mother of two amazing boys.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Look at this photograph

I'm vacationing in California for a few weeks at my parents house. Vashon is their 1st grandchild but no longer their only. Needless to say their house is like a shrine dedicated to Vashon, pictures are everywhere. This is my 1st time being home after losing Vayden and I was pleasantly surprised to see that Vayden has his own lil shrine of pictures too.

My mother hangs photos of Vashon from birth to his current age (2 yrs) and swaps them out frequently. It's nice to look at a photo of Vashon when he was 3 mo old and then another when he was 13 mo old right next to it. I walked around their house looking at all the changes that Vashon has made in just 2 short years. Then I got to Vayden's photos and realized that his shrine would never change, my mother will never swap out the 6 mo photo for the 22 mo photo. It hit me that all of his photos will be of him being 3 hrs and 45 min old.

As I type this I'm looking at two picture frames on the computer desk, one of Vashon when he was only 2 mo old and one of Vayden a few hours after he passed. I look to my right and I see Vashon my now 2 yr old sleeping on the couch, but I do not see my what would be now 3.5 mo old Vayden.

As I look at this photograph I can remember everything from 5/23/2009 I can re play the story like it was yesterday, but as I look at this photograph my eyes get a lil watery because I know that this photograph will never be swapped out for a picture of Vayden at a later age.