Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Year.....

We made it through a year, seems like the years that you wish would go by slowly always move by so fast. I can remember this day last year like it happened minutes ago, but there is something about making it through the 1st year that takes the edge off your grief. For me this year has been only one long room with no doors, but a few windows. On May 23,2009 I opened a door with the word TRUST on it, it was a decision I made months before I even gave birth to Vayden. After my loss I only had two doors TRUST or FEAR. To trust is to follow God and to fear is to walk the way of the devil. It seemed like choosing the trust door would be without fail, but little did I know that trusting God upsets the enemy and that door would take me through my own personal boot camp.

Once I was in, the only way out was through the windows that showed a glimpse of where I would be had I chosen the opposite door. Of course every time a moment was hard the window would show a glimpse of something great and wonderful. Tricky how the enemy works.

I imagine that once you get through a year, the room is filled with many doors and if you were unhappy with how things went the previous year or you're just ready for change you can open a different door for a second chance. If you're not ready for change you continue on into the door straight ahead.

Yesterday was hard for me, as my mind and body replayed the events of my labor and delivery hour by hour. Many people don't realize but the 22nd of May is when everything happened. Vayden was born at midnight, so the 22nd holds a lot of emotions and memories.

This morning I woke up to the middle of Joel Osteen on TV, he said something that hit me like a brick. "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5. WOW!!!!! as my room filled with doors I knew I had to make a choice of which one I was going to open, but hearing that made everything from this last month and yesterday ok, it made me remember that I chose to trust God and that he's made promises to me that in due time I will see. It made me remember that he's always in control and he knew what he was doing when he took Vayden, so even though I don't understand and I didn't agree with his timing. I know that he is in control, and it's clear that Vayden has been a blessing to not only myself but to many others.

So the year has passed and it's my time to continue my journey, I have carried to term, I have held an angel and I have honored his memory. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been mad, but I've been honest and the door I chose to open is NEW BEGINNINGS..................


  1. You still continue to amaze me. Happy Birthday Vayden.

  2. God is truly working through you and sweet Vayden.

  3. Happy Birthday to sweet Vayden, and ((((hugs)))) to his amazing mommy.

  4. Happy Birthday Vayden! And there is something about making it thru the first year... It seems lighter to me at least.

  5. Happy Birthday Vayden! I agree there is something about making through the 1st year.

  6. This especially touched me Stephanie, for I too have walked down a similar hall way and by you sharing I believe what you have learned was taught to me just now. I don't understand God and his ways but God is not logical so we may never undestand. And never think any of this was in vain because you are an incredable inspiration to meand so many others. As I read this my eyes filled with tears and my heart with saddness, joy, understanding, and love. God has and will continue to bless you.

    Love a friend Addiana

  7. Here's to new Beginnings!!!
    My prayers are with you