Sunday, May 23, 2010

Happy 1st year in Heaven Vayden -5/22 - Midnight

Yesterday was a very special day for me, although it wasn't Vayden's actual birthday just 60 sec could have changed that. Last year on May 22nd I was in active labor by 5:30pm. Before my labor truly began or shall I say before it became unbearably painful my family and I went to eat at Chili's. We now plan to visit Chili's every year on the 22nd of May an annual tradition to remember sweet baby Vayden.

My family at the table if you look close between me and Vashon you will see a small picture frame of Vayden

The closer view, always in our hearts, never forgotten

After we ate at Chili's we went to get balloons for our midnight release, but I couldn't help getting a whole balloon bouquet.

We each wrote on one balloon.



At midnight Van, myself and Vashon went out to the front of our house to sing Happy Birthday and release 1 balloon and the time of Vayden's birth. It was so windy, that as soon as we let them go they were long gone, but I did get this photo of Vashon getting ready to release his.

We came in the house lit Vayden's special V candle and let it burn for a while, then Vashon blew it out and said to his baby brother "Happy Birthday and I wub you" :)

Wondering how we kept Vashon up so late? Well anyone who knows him knows he's a night time party child, but because we wanted him to be a part of this special day we let him nap late.

Today is Vayden's actual birthday, our plan to to head out to Lake Hefner and have a picnic in the park, release more balloons and remember our sweet son Vayden.
Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Vayden......Happy Birthday to you.
I love you always, love Mommy

A Year.....

We made it through a year, seems like the years that you wish would go by slowly always move by so fast. I can remember this day last year like it happened minutes ago, but there is something about making it through the 1st year that takes the edge off your grief. For me this year has been only one long room with no doors, but a few windows. On May 23,2009 I opened a door with the word TRUST on it, it was a decision I made months before I even gave birth to Vayden. After my loss I only had two doors TRUST or FEAR. To trust is to follow God and to fear is to walk the way of the devil. It seemed like choosing the trust door would be without fail, but little did I know that trusting God upsets the enemy and that door would take me through my own personal boot camp.

Once I was in, the only way out was through the windows that showed a glimpse of where I would be had I chosen the opposite door. Of course every time a moment was hard the window would show a glimpse of something great and wonderful. Tricky how the enemy works.

I imagine that once you get through a year, the room is filled with many doors and if you were unhappy with how things went the previous year or you're just ready for change you can open a different door for a second chance. If you're not ready for change you continue on into the door straight ahead.

Yesterday was hard for me, as my mind and body replayed the events of my labor and delivery hour by hour. Many people don't realize but the 22nd of May is when everything happened. Vayden was born at midnight, so the 22nd holds a lot of emotions and memories.

This morning I woke up to the middle of Joel Osteen on TV, he said something that hit me like a brick. "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5. WOW!!!!! as my room filled with doors I knew I had to make a choice of which one I was going to open, but hearing that made everything from this last month and yesterday ok, it made me remember that I chose to trust God and that he's made promises to me that in due time I will see. It made me remember that he's always in control and he knew what he was doing when he took Vayden, so even though I don't understand and I didn't agree with his timing. I know that he is in control, and it's clear that Vayden has been a blessing to not only myself but to many others.

So the year has passed and it's my time to continue my journey, I have carried to term, I have held an angel and I have honored his memory. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been mad, but I've been honest and the door I chose to open is NEW BEGINNINGS..................

Monday, May 10, 2010

Vayden's Other Mom

My mom was a huge support to me while I was carrying to term. One day she was at my house and we were both having a hard time accepting the news. Through her tears she told me that if Vayden did die, then he would be well taken care of by a woman in Heaven who was not able to have children on earth. To most mothers that would be a bitter saying, but to me it was relief.

I often think of Vayden's other mom, I know she is a loving woman who wanted nothing more on earth but to have children to care for. I know she loves him because she wanted a baby so badly, and because she has never had children she gives him 100 % complete attention. She understands the struggles that come along with having children and she doesn't take one moment with him for granted. I know she tells him all about me, how much I love him and miss him. She often shows him a glimpse of what it's like down here, but because he's so young she's careful not to show him when I cry.

I am often jealous of her, but then thankful that she loves him so much. Knowing he is with her being well taken care of allows me to sleep at night. Knowing that she's honest, humble, and kind, helps me not to cry everyday. Although I don't know her name, or what she looks like. I know one thing, she loves him enough to tell him everyday that I am still his MOM.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

If Vayden were here

Vashon was potty training since September of last year, he became TRAINED in Feb with accidents here and there but nothing that caused me to stress or worry. In this last 2 weeks Vashon has had 1 or 2 accidents a day. I'm a SAHM and I don't know if I'm good at it, Vashon is always clean and taken care of, he's smart and fun, but I've always known how to work and I've been good at that. SAHM blame themselves a lot, well at least I do, if your child is with you everyday all day then whatever he does is your fault good or bad. So we toot our horns when they reach milestones and we hang our head in shame when they embarrass us. Logical thinking tells me it's a toddler thing, and he would do it if he stayed at home or if he went to school. But my mind is so loud and all I can hear when he poops and pee's on himself is FAILURE. So I wonder why is he doing this? A dear friend of mine is a childhood nurse and she is like my super nanny, so I called her to discuss this and just like everything you'll find in a book or online she asked "have we changed anything in his life?" I said "No" other than finding out we were pregnant which we don't talk about a lot in the house. Every now and then if he's jumping around close to me we'll say "mommy has a baby in her belly, so you need to be careful" but we don't just always talk about the new baby.

Day after day he has a poop accident and I wonder every time what is going on in your little head, but today was the day when it really just upset me. While I cleaned the mess off the floor I shouted "if Vayden were here I wouldn't be so mad about this poop" Vayden would be 11 mo old right now and he wouldn't be potty trained so I would be dealing with poop messes already and for some reason in my mind I think it would have made Vashon accidents flow better. But instead I see him poop on the floor or poop in his underwear and I hear FAILURE. I think the grief bug has got me, because I spent a large part of the day crying my eyes out just upset that at the fact that Vayden is not here.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Brother Bear

I've posted about this bear many times he is also been referred to as "cuddle brother" Vashon now calls him "brother bear". This gift from Kelly with Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries is the best thing for Vashon that was meant for me. Vashon is all boy and never wanted anything to do with stuff animals and still could care less about any new ones that come into the house. However Brother Bear is the one thing Vashon always seems to need. I've watched Vashon love on him, wrestle with him and even discipline him like a big brother would. Brother Bear is with Vashon often and has become a huge part of our family. Needless to say Brother Bear being a 3 yr olds best friend goes through just as much as a normal 3 yr old boy would go through. The cream colored bear turned gray with spots of crayon and spaghetti sauce. I have been so afraid to wash him because even though I know I could always ask Kelly for a new one, I think Vashon would know and deep down inside we would know also that the new brother bear was not the same bear that laid with Vayden the day he was born.

I knew I was supposed to wash him with a mild soap but every time I went to the store I was afraid that my choice would ruin him. Last night we had the family bed, while Vashon's leg was over my head and brother bears arm was in my face I realized that he smelled like syrup. hmmm Did Vashon try to feed him waffles? I looked at him and thought "what has he done to you sweet bear" then I thought how I wanted to wash him right that moment. I looked over at the picture of Vayden on my dresser and thought of the noodle and boo baby wash that we bathed Vayden with on his birthday. I got up to find the slightly used bottled that was just going to sit there and took brother bear into the bathroom to give him a much needed bath. It was supposed to be a mom cleaning her child's teddy bear but instead it was like giving Vayden another bath. The strong special scent hit my senses and took me back to the day Vayden was born, the bear smelled as sweet as Vayden did as I carefully cleaned him making sure the softness of the cotton stayed the same. When I was done I took him down stairs and placed him in a clean pillow case put him in the dryer on a very low cycle.
When Brother Bear came out he was cream colored again and smelled just like Vayden did the day he was born. Cleaning him was a good idea but using the infant wash to clean him was even better, Vashon still loves his brother bear and now I have a hard time sharing him because of his amazing new scent.

I just can't thank you enough Kelly

A newly cleaned brother bear, and when I say this bear was gray, I mean this bear was gray