Tuesday, February 23, 2010

9 Months Down......A Lifetime to Go

We are getting close to a year without Vayden and although I'm doing fine, at peace with my loss and have created a wonderful foundation to support others on this journey, I still find myself looking at old photos of me thinking to myself "who would have thought she would lose her baby".

Earlier this month I was asked by my mother to come home because my father was very ill, when a parent tells their child to come home, the 1st thought is that someone is going to die. I didn't want to go home when I got the call, I knew my dad was going to pull through, but I also had 100% faith that Vayden was going to come home at one point. I did go home and my father is doing better, but the thoughts of death were once again placed heavy on my heart. I think I said it before but in my heart many deaths are justifiable or understandable except the deaths of babies and children. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how and why that happens, although I know first hand that it does happen. My father's possible dying weighed heavy on my heart, but sadly I admit that if it was to be his time I would find comfort in knowing that Vayden would have someone there with him. ( I feel horrible thinking such a thing)

I've also hit a revelation in my grief once again, yes I am not perfect.....As complicated as this may sound I both fear and seek death. Please let me explain before you contact suicide watch. I do not want or have any intentions to kill myself, but if I were to die I would be with my son and that is where the seeking part comes in. The fear is something I noticed while chatting with a friend, I hate going anywhere in fear that some stupid driver will t-bone me and I will die prematurely, leaving Vashon and Van behind. It is so complicated how I feel and I don't even know if I used the correct terms. I'm not miserable on earth and I'm sure I wouldn't be miserable in Heaven, it's like I have two worlds to live in and I want both, but can't have them at the same time. To be in these worlds you must either live or die.

Hopefully none of you are worried that I may do something I shouldn't do, I fully know that the choice to live or die is and should only be in the hands of our maker. This is my blog and I just wanted to share with you how I feel. I am going to talk to someone about my overall fear of driving and/or going out, I still have the I don't like big crowds issue, but I'm starting to think that has something to do with my age.


  1. Stephanie, I totally relate. It's wonderful that we have something to look forward to when we die, and having our babies up there just makes it so much sweeter. Leila has pretty much removed my fear of death, because I know I'll get to be with her. I would never leave my husband or my son on my own doing, but that day will come, and I'll leave with a smile on my face.

    If you get a chance, this is my favorite blog post: http://mumblingsfromtroyohio.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-very-best-day.html

  2. I hear you. I have often had the understanding that basically...no matter where I am, I will be longing for something else. After this life, I'll be with my twins...and I will miss my other children and my husband...and during this life, my heart strings are pulled taut toward babies I want in my arms. I often feel like no matter what I do...I get to lose.

    Sometimes...I just wish I could disappear completely. Not end my life via my own hands...but just...vanish.

    There are so many good things in my life.

    on both sides of what life is.

  3. I have no other words Stephanie, except, I do understand.

    Thinking of you,
    Devyn's Mommie, Paula

  4. *tears* We will survive...we will make it through.

    The Color of Love, I love this song! I've not heard it in soooo long, but it warmed my heart, gonna add it to my iPod :)

    Hugs and Much Love...the color of love "does" live inside of "you". So sweet.


  5. Stephanie, I understand what you mean about seeking and fearing death at the same time. The desire to be with my babies is so strong, and I look forward to the day I can hold them in Heaven. It's very different - to want to die and to want to kill yourself. Like I you, I believe that the only one who has the right to choose when a life ends (or begins) is the Father.

    I don't think a lot of people understand that - it probably confuses them and makes them worried that we want to hurt ourselves. When I told a social worker that I did think about dying, after I had lost Calvin, she immediately thought I needed to see a psychiatrist and be on medication. Even she did not understand that thinking about death, especially when you lose a baby, is normal. And she definitely did not understand that Christians, death brings the ultimately glory.

    I'm sorry to hear about your father. I pray he continues to get well. My husband's dear grandmother went Home to God last year. Even as I was grieving for her - after losing Calvin, each loss feels deeper, as does the grief for him - a part of me was jealous that she would get to be with my son. It's not easy to admit to having those feelings.

    Hugs to you.

  6. Stephanie,

    I wrote you once before, I'm friends with Lisa and recently lost my baby Grace. She was 9 days old.
    Your words describe my EXACT feelings. It's really amazing. I had no idea that other people knew these feelings inside. I've said many of the same things you are saying today. My family nearly did contact the suicide police and I was so hurt by it. Yet, I know they care about me and wanted to be sure I was okay. I have said, "I want to die and be with my baby", yet I really don't want to leave my family behind either. But like you, if God takes me, I am okay with that because I get to be with her. It is really hard to articulate but you did a great job of explaining how you feel. I think people can understand (especially those of us who have been there).
    I want to invite you to read my story. We started this webpage/blog when Gracie was born. Since Lisa introduced me to yours, I've been able to blog again since her death. Thank you for that. Here is her website:

    God Bless you and your family! I pray you continue to find peace and healing during this very difficult time.


    Mara Gilmore

  7. My sweet sister I will have to tell you that your post above is something I struggle with from time to time as well.

    How can we not because infant death is far from a normal death, we are left to question things and want everything that we were expecting as well.

    I will be very honest last year I just sat and starred at a bottle of sleeping pills wondering if I could just fall asleep and never wake up maybe I'd be with Ethan.

    I knew my kids here would be alright even though I wanted to be with them too. Sometimes it hurts so much.

    I even thought well maybe if I get killed in a car accident then it wouldn't be my fault and then I'd get to be with my other son.

    This pain is unimaginable. I am glad you are sharing I think this thing called true and honest grief connects us.

    Love you girl keep your chin up. Someday you will all be together again and I know not soon enough!

  8. All my love to you...I understand the life and death thoughts...You are not suicidal, you just know you have another life after death, your life with Vayden :) Love ya!!

  9. Vayden is waiting patiently for you Steph. Even though it will probably seem like forever till you get to see his face, he is watching you and waiting. You feel torn because you have people you love both here on earth and waiting for you in Heaven. When it is your time, hopefully after a long life full of happiness, I can only imagine the happy and joyous reunion you will have with your son. Thinking about you holding him again someday brings tears to my eyes. *hugs*

  10. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I have been much less fearful of dying since I lost Chase. At the moment of my very scary delivery, I was scared I was going to die and leave my 3 children motherless and I couldn't fathom that possibility. But after I came out of recovery and met Chase the first time and bonded with him.....things changed. When Chase died 3 days later my fears and thoughts on death changed. And then one day I read on someone's blog that each day that passes is one day closer to being with Chase and that might freak some people out but somehow it comforted me.
    I don't like big crowds, either. I prefer anonymity, but I live in a small town. I love my kids and my husband and have continued to make them the center of my world. But yes, I too think of the world where CHase is and that if I died tomorrow, at least I would get to see him again. No I don't want to either but there is some solace in that thought.
    I'm right there with you Stephanie.

  11. I so get this, Stephanie!! I have had the thoughts of 'I just want to die so I can go to Heaven and be with my babies' but then I hesitate b/c I cannot leave Kyndra here without me. I long to be in two places at once. I am glad that your father is doing better. You've been on my mind.

    Happy 9 months in Heaven Vayden!