Sunday, August 23, 2009

3 Months and I'm Still Sober

And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know It's never really over
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Those are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s song Sober (radio version), I heard this song back in 2006 and I loved it but never knew what she was talking about and really couldn’t relate to it. Today I still have no clue what she is talking about but I can relate to almost every word in this song.
Three months already, my how time flies, I just keep thinking I should be taking care of a crazy 2yr old and a 3 month old baby, at times I just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. What is 3 months? In 3 months most people can keep the same hair style, weigh the same, and work at the same job, too many 3 months is nothing but 12 weeks closer to something many have no goal to reach. Could it be a new mate, job or car? We generally view 3 months as nothing but time, except in the life of a new baby. I recall 3 months with Vashon being that fun age; it was just about when his personality started to show. I often wonder how Vashon would have influenced Vayden to ultimately drive me so insane that I would sell them both on craigslist. (joke)
Since Vayden has been gone I’ve been able to do things, I probably wouldn’t be doing had he been here, I know there are thing I surely wouldn’t be doing had he been a PUV survivor, that is a busy life those mommies have and they deserve a lot of credit. Since Vayden has been gone I’ve missed out on things, putting both my boys to bed, watching them sleep day dreaming what they were going to be like when they got older, wondering who would be the cool brother, who would be the strong bother .
Yet in 3 months I’ve been able to tell my story to many, I’ve opened the eyes and hearts of many who heard about infant death, but never really thought it applied to them. In just 3 months I’ve found out who I really am. A wife, a Christian, a friend, a daughter, and a mother of 2, one a heavenly angel, 3 months ago today I gave birth to my 2nd son and gained an angel almost 4 hrs later.
3 months ago my life changed, 3 months and I’m still sober……. picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Walking With You ~ Every Angel Counts~

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking with You please visit Kelly's blog.

This week, Kelly is sharing some commonly asked questions and answers about grieving the loss of a child. The rest of us may blog about a similar topic or share what is on our hearts this week.

This week my heart has been dealing with the way people consider loss. As many of you know I am not at all shy to tell someone I Have My Very Own Angel, I find that many peoples initial thought is “oh she had a miscarriage that is so sad” as I talk more about Vayden they are lead to ask more questions about his passing. When they find out I carried to term, met held my live child and then said goodbye, their eyes begin to tear up, they no longer have anything to say because I’m sorry in their hearts is just not enough. It upsets me that people can think of loss so shallow, like you only deserve credit if it was a late term loss. Like the story is only heartbreaking if your child was once alive in your arms, does it matter?? When a woman suffers a loss of a child at any age she grieves, she hurts the same and some women that suffer miscarriage or still birth feel cheated which is a harder more haunting feeling. Why don’t they deserve the tears and the hugs that I get? Why don’t people recognize that loss as a true heartbreaking loss? Why do they have to pay for a funeral but get no birth certificate?

I think every angel counts and every loss has a story behind it. Don’t discredit a woman’s grief because she lost her pregnancy at 8 weeks, she could have been trying for 4 yrs and those 8 weeks were something she was blessed to have.

Every Angel Counts

Monday, August 10, 2009

I'm at WAR with the devil

In the bible in the story of Job, God and the devil challenged Job's faithfulness to the the Lord. The devil questioned Job's faith fullness in negative times, because Job's life was in a pretty good place. Many casual Christians praise God when the sun is shinning but can give him less praise or turn against him when the rain comes in. I am becoming the modern day story of Job as my faith fullness is being tested time and time again. In the matter of months my life has been turned upside down and all that was well is not anymore. Before we found out about Vayden things were perfect, no debt, happily married, I understood my child, I had a lot to praise God for and I did. Then the awful day came when we found out about the LUTO and it was like ok, there are worst things in the world, I still gave my praises to God, then the day came that we found out that his condition was now fatal. As I felt my baby moving inside of me, I knew that his condition was fatal, but didn't feel like he was taken from me, so there were still reasons to give praise. Then my angel was born and left us almost 4 hrs after birth, this was the moment that the devil was waiting for, he wanted me to curse God for taking my son, and not making him a medical miracle. Instead I gave praise, I praised God for the 3 hrs and 45 min I was able to spend with my son, and I felt that was a miracle, considering how fatal his condition. That pissed the devil off, and I thought he would leave me alone, but he was waiting to see me days, weeks, months after Vayden's death, he assumed that at some point I would turn my back on the Lord and realize that 3 hrs and 45 min is nothing. He even showed me another LUTO baby be born and live, he wanted so badly for me to question myself, and my God. I didn't, I was pleased to see lil Tino survive and I praised God for listening to my prayers as I had been praying for him. That again upset the devil, and then I created My Very Own Angel and tried to provide positive hope to women who suffer a loss, while constantly giving God all the glory for and all the praise, oh yea that pissed him off real bad.

The devil has formed attack against my marriage now. He has turned my spouse against me, he has created a horrible tension in my home and my husband is deploying in two weeks. I am announcing now as I've announced to God and the devil, and let everyone be a witness to this. I WILL NOT STOP LOVING GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Everything and everyone that I love can be taken away from me and I will mourn each, but I will get over it, I will move on, and I WILL continue to always praise God, for he will continue to bless me.


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Walking With You - Sibling Grief/ The Next Pregnancy

This week, at Sufficient Grace we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy.

Vashon was only 26 months old when Vayden passed, he has what I like to call "only child syndrome" so even before we were pregnant Vashon didn't like anyone or anything (the dog) being loved by mommy or daddy. Vashon didn't want to be around Vayden at the the hospital, I'm not sure if he knew he was not alive, or he just didn't want to be at the hospital, but we did get some photos with him and his brother.When we came home from the hospital Vashon knew that we were sad he just didn't really know why. I would often tell him that mommy misses baby brother, it is so cute how a 2 yr old is able to know that all I needed was a hug. Because Vashon was so young and not able to do much for himself, it pushed my husband and I to quickly find our New Normal. We both agreed that although it was fine to show emotion around Vashon, he should not pay the price for something he can not understand. Vashon is that step that keeps getting added on the ladder, when you think you've reached the top one more step appears. He kept us going, he kept us smiling and we always and still see a little of Vayden in him.

As far as the next pregnancy is concerned, I feel like I am the only one who is not jumping on the wagon of TTC. I'm not afraid of another case of LUTO, I'm afraid of having another 2 yr old. I have however made the decision that I would not go on any type of birth control, yet not actively TTC. I long for another baby, yet I'm in the a very traumatizing age with Vashon and I'm not sure I can do it again. I'm leaving this in God's hands, I believe that he will bless us with another baby, and I believe that the timing will be perfect. However if we are not supposed to have another child under God's plan, I will forever be a mother of two.

My Very Own Angel

Most of my followers already know that I’ve been working hard at giving back since Vayden’s death. It was weeks after his passing I had a strong urge to give back, to help others, to spread the word, and to encourage women to be proud of their angels. The community of bereaved parents is family of parents who in most cases are only brought together by the loss of a child. The beauty behind the pain of carrying to term is rarely spoken about there are wonderful support groups and support resources out there for these families. The more resources that are out there, will lead to more people acknowledging, fatal fetal diagnosis, carrying to term, and pregnancy and infant loss. There are real families, who suffer real loss (es) and need real support.

I created My Very Own Angel, along with my mother to offer support for women carrying to term, and encourage everyone to remember that there is no time limit on grief, there is no specific point where you stop talking about that precious angel you loss, you are never supposed to get over it, never forget and always be proud to say “I Have My Very Own Angel”

We acknowledge every angel that has left this earth too soon. Below is a photo of me PROUDLY announcing to the world “I Have My Very Own Angel” with an official MVOA T-Shirt.

Take some time and check out the site if you haven’t, and if you have your very own angel, don’t forget to follow MVOA on blog spot My Very Own Angel Blog, we will be hosting special blog giveaways for families of angels and navigating through grief in a positive yet real way.

* I will still update this blog and as I go through my own personal experiences with loss, I will be updating this one, so don’t leave me.

God bless