Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Trying to Take The High Road

I'm almost 26 wks pregnant with a child who's condition has been said to be incompatible with life. I find that now after knowing for about 3 wks now. I have come to terms with his condition and the decision to choose comfort care post birth. In my last attempt to find out about this horrible plague, I found a wonderful support group with some wonderful very supportive people online. I was even so lucky to find 2 mothers who are in my same exact shoes as we speak. Two wonderful women who don't deserve this but two women who have handled themselves in the most mature and elegant manner that I wish to also do the same. Jenn recently had baby Matthew who is in heaven now, and Kelly is soon to have baby Jonah later this week. Like I said i'm number 3. I was directed to read Waiting With Gabriel and I can not put that book down. It's a wonderful story of a woman who is given horrible news like I have been given, chooses the same outcome as I have and takes the high road about it from there and beyond. It's inspiring while also very comforting to know once again this does happen to other people not just me.

My belly is getting bigger and I'm loving my pregnant body, I carry so well, not to toot my own horn. (but toot toot) Vayden I can feel a lot better now, I still cherish every movement. I try to stay calm and content, it seems unlike my wild child Vashon, Vayden likes it better when i'm calm. Just a few days ago Vashon was in bed with me and my belly was showing. He pointed to it and said "baby" I said "yes, baby brother" Vashon went in to give Vayden kisses. I asked him to do it again, but the Aries in him always goes the other way so he hit Vayden instead.

No one knows how they would react if given the same deck of card I've been dealt. Many are shocked by my strength or my beauty to handle and share this with everyone. I find peace in the story of Vayden. I'm not searching for anything more than hugs and prayers, but I am so very thankful to everyone who reads this. Everyone who acknowledges that Vayden is my child, no matter how many breaths he takes outside the womb.

Today I had a Dr. apt. It seems somewhat pointless to be seen now. Yet my midwife took better care of me today than ever before. Instead of just hearing the heart on the doppler, she allowed me to see Vayden via U/S. It was nice to find that he was still head down and nice to see that fuzzy black and white pic of his profile. However it was not nice to see the dilated chest cavity and the absent fluid. I suppose in the back of my mind I asked for the U/S hoping that there would be this large sac of fluid, hoping that Dr.'s would crowd into my room wondering how the hell that happened. I'm always ready to drop to my knees and yell out what a wonderful GOD we have and how he healed my baby. So not seeing it was slightly disappointing. :(

Although I still feel we have a wonderful God, for he has blessed me with Vashon and with Vayden. He has blessed me with the heart and mind to understand that pregnancy and children need not be taken for granted. That carrying a child and birthing them is not just something women do. It's God who blesses them to do so, and it's a job that some never get to take, despite the resume submitted.

On the drive home is when I let my tears out about what I saw on the U/S screen. I turned the radio off to talk to Vayden, that is when I realized that God isn't taking him. God wouldn't give me a child just to take it mins after birth, he doesn't hate me or Vayden. God chose me to give my son up, I still haven't figured out why exactly but i'm not searching for that. I told Vayden some lil things that I plan to tell him once he's in my arms. Like how everyone dies, no one is born to live forever and we in the world don't look at death the right way. We birth babies and think we have a million yrs with them, when in fact we all have to die. I told him that the world as good as it is, is also very bad and hard, that there are people out there that hurt adults and children. I told him about his brother and father. Most of all I told him about Heaven, how there are no tears , no pain, and no suffering in heaven. How this bladder obstruction would not be in heaven, and that's was why we chose to not intervene, because we didn't want to inflict pain on him with no guarantee of a cure. Medicines are used to sustain the inevitable, to prolong the life, but with those medicines come side effects that can damage other parts of the body changing the outlook on life. He could be given a medicine to help his bladder with a side effect to make him blind. So i've fixed one thing yet hurt another. I can not put my baby boy through that. In heaven the word CURE is a guarantee. We want nothing but the best for our children right?

"two of the most primal parental instincts are to keep your child alive and to protect your child from unnecessary pain. Those instincts usually do not collide, with our baby they do" - A. Kuebelbeck"

So I'm trying to take the high road about this. Turn this oh so negative situation into something positive. Enjoy the child i've been given, and see that God chose me. If the saying is true "God gives you nothing you can't handle" then I feel pretty lucky that he views me so strong.


  1. Stephanie,
    Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for allowing us (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep) to be a part of Vayden's life. It is evident that you are a wonderful mother and your heart for God fills me with hope for you. Allow God to comfort you during this time and know that you have many people praying for you and your family. John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you".

    Carrie LaFollette
    Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep OKC Coordinator

  2. Steph, Praying that you and Kelly are doing ok. I'm glad that you have found comfort in "Waiting with Gabriel." It only took me about 3 days to finish it. Three days with lots of tears. Keep the faith!!

  3. Just found your blog through Jenns! Praying for you! What a super mommy you are.

  4. I am so proud of you and your husband to care enough about your son to offer him comfort care. It shows how much he means to you and is a very difficult decision that NO parent should have to make. I have taken care of many newborns under comfort care and the love that I feel in those rooms is amazing. I feel honored to be a part of it. I will pray for you.

  5. I am siting here crying reading this. You are an amazing and strong woman and mother. I pray for you and think of you often. Vashon is a lucky little boy and Vayden will know what an amazing mother you are as well. Bless you!

    Ashlee (abk1030 - BF)

  6. Hello Stephanie,
    I found you on Jenn's site as well. I pray for you now: : "Oh Father of all love, comfort and grace please strengthen within this precious family as they walk the path of Your choosing. Thank You for the gift of Vayden's life. You have blessed him and have blessed many more through the testimony of his being. Thank You that he is! He is a wonderful reminder of all that is good and amazing about You. You meet our every need. In Jesus' we are Yours! Amen."
    The song you are playing is one of the songs played during our grandson Caleb's funeral last year. Heaven is surely full of wouldn't be Heaven without them, would it? Caleb's story is on Caring Bridge at this link:
    I'll continue praying for you and yours in the days ahead.
    In the love and grace of our Lord!
    Ahma Sue in Tennessee

  7. "You never know how strong you are until STRONG is the only choice you have." I heard that saying after carrying my son to term and coming home with empty arms. I would hear how strong I was---and all I thought was, "I'm his mother."
    God bless you each and every moment.

  8. Beautifully spoken. God bless you and your family.

  9. You might also like reading Losing Malcom.

    Congratulations on your second son! I am so sorry you are walking this difficult path...