Friday, March 6, 2009

Ok it's bad.... 2/26 -2/28

UPDATE - 2/26/09 - Yesterday was un real, even though I already knew what was going to be said. LUTO is a horrible thing, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone or anyone's child. It's only the devil. His kidneys have failed. Intervention is over and I will carry Vayden to term, deliver and let him go home to be with GOD. There are no words that can explain the feeling you have feeling your baby move inside you and grow inside you, but knowing that you wont take him home. I'm angry. I have every right to be angry with GOD right now. I have not lost my faithfulness to him, but damn it I'm angry. I wanted this baby I love this baby, I did everything to protect him. The Dr's did everything they could aside from putting my life at risk. This is wrong and un fair. So please spare me the GOD has a plan for us. Because right now it's the last thing I want to hear. Even if it is true. Please spare me the medical advice, telling me I should seek a second opinion. Been there done that. Please understand that there are two major factors that will kill him once we detach, his renal failure and immature lungs, I will not put my child on life support mins after birth. Vayden isn't suffering right now and he also will not suffer out of the womb. He will be in his mommy's arms. Die in his mommy's arms. And we will have his grandmothers present along with his daddy, he will know that he was, is ,and always will be loved. We will never forget Vayden. We will always mourn the loss of my 2nd baby boy. I've found a resource that will come to the hospital and take very tasteful pictures of his 1st and last moments with the ppl that love him most. Please as my friends and family, don't look at this as just a loss of pregnancy, he is a baby and will more than likely be born alive, so this is a loss of a child and we should never forget him. I want to thank you all for the prayers please continue them as we need strength to get through this heartbreak. * I will continue to update this blog often.

UPDATE - 2/28/09 - The kind words and caring prayers and thoughts mean so much during this hard time. I believe that I've cried so hard and stressed so far that I forgot to remember that I'm still pregnant. I missed about a wk of my prenatals, stopped eating, and only drank like 2 cups of water. Thankfully that was only for a week. I even stopped feeling Vayden move. I believe I wasn't even looking for it. But as I sit here right now, reading your replys he's moving. At 23 wks the kick should be harder, but given my placenta being in the front and the low fluid around him, these kicks match the feelings of 1st flutters. But I know he's still alive. I believe that a babys life starts even before they take their 1st breath. So i've decided to stand with my faith and still hold my GOD to the things I know he can do. Perform Miracles. It's not over until it's over with this lil guy. I am still pregnant. I will still see my midwife monthly, I will still take my pre natals, still eat and drink lots of water. But most of all still have faith. Still pray that Vayden will be my miracle story to share with the world. At the same time. I'm aware and not in denial of what the Dr.'s have told us. I still hurt from it. But it's not going to make me kill myself. So if it's not going to do that. Then what else can it do? I've made the choice to continue the pregnancy, I have 17 more wks and I can't spend that time mourning a child I have not yet lost. So as I've said before. If God wants him, he's gonna have to take him. If he does, I will give him up, and it will hurt, but I will continue to pray for a total and complete healing. I have done everything I can as a human on earth. If i'm gonna worry about it, I can't pray about it, and if i'm gonna pray about it, I can't worry about it. God bless you all, and your families. I will have good and bad days I know. Days of defeat. But it's not over until it's truly over

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