Sunday, May 31, 2009

One week without Vayden ~ Through his mothers eyes

One week ago my baby passed away and joined a host of angel friends in heaven. I miss him dearly. Last Sunday was the day I left the hospital, the room was cleared out as our family waited downstairs for us, Van and I held Vayden kissed him, told him we'll see him again, and most of all said "we love you" Before the nurse came in we bowed our heads and prayed that God get us through this and give us strength, we praised him for the time he allowed us with Vayden and asked that he be well taken care of. The nurse came in and walked with us slowly to the room where we were going to leave Vayden. Van asked if I wanted to carrying him, as much as I did, I said "no, you do it, I carried him for 8 months". We walked slowly, handed him over and cried the entire way out of the hospital. It wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to take my baby with me, not a blanket that smelled like him.

Monday through Wednesday, every morning when I would wake up, I would have this uncontrollable shaking of my upper body, however I felt numb. I will admit that my appetite was non existent, even with some of my favorite foods eating was something I had no need for. One day at 10pm I realized that aside from drinking water, I had only eaten two pcs of bread that entire day, yet I was still not hungry. On Thursday I finally went to get my nails done, it felt right and wrong. Of course a woman should pamper herself, but what mother who just had a baby on Saturday would be at the nail shop on Thursday?? I don't look pregnant anymore, I'm happy to see my feet again, my nail tech said, "long time no see, how's the baby?" At that moment I wished I could have been a woman that still looks pregnant even after the baby is born. I walked around from store to store, trying to find something to wear for his memorial service. This time shopping didn't seem so fun.

On Thursday me and Van went to view Vayden's body one last time, before his remains would be turned into ashes. I thought it would be this CSI, john doe thing, go into the morgue, open a stainless steel refrigerator door and confirm that was Vayden. I was pleasantly surprised when she escorted us to a room where Vayden laid in a small basket wrapped in a warm blanket, under a soft light. He was beautiful, his skin so pink, I'm not sure if they put make up on him, but they did brush his hair. She closed the door and said take all the time you need. We spent about 15-20 min in with Vayden crying and kisses him, getting the last hugs and pictures with him. I am so thankful I was able to see him that way as a last way of seeing him, he truly looked like he was just sleeping. What a wonderful, wonderful picture for memory.

Monday through Friday I stayed up late into the night planning and preparing for the service, the over planner over protective, I want it my way side came out of me, as I felt that I had home court advantage over the service planning. I am his mother, right? Many times I had to remind myself that I am not the only one grieving this loss & that my family is just here to help.

Last week I should have been planning my baby shower to be on Saturday (5/30). Instead I planned for my sons memorial service. Saturday morning, dressed for a funeral, I told Van, we should be going to Vayden's baby shower, not his funeral. He held me tight wiped my tears, and said we're going to get through this. Van has been amazing, with this all, at times I expected to walk through this alone, he has proved me so wrong and I have fallen in love with him all over again. I married a wonderful man.

I speak to everyone that calls me on the phone, so if you'd like to call please know that unless I'm spending time with Van or Vashon I will be up to talking. I cry everyday, but I also laugh everyday. I feel that is a healthy balance and I make it a strong point to wake up, give thanks to God, shower, drink lots of water and if I have a moment, I take my moment. I scream, I cry, I laugh, I smile, I do it all for my son. I love him dearly, miss him tremendously and will never forget that moment when he looked into my eyes.

* A 2nd post is below that talks about his memorial service*


  1. First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Your son is precious. I pray for peace for your heart. The video is an amazing tribute to your son. He was too perfect for this earth!

  2. I've thought about you and your family many times the last few days.

    Your strength still amazes me.

    Keep smiling, keep crying, keep doing whatever you need to do...

    Much love!

  3. He looks so peaceful, so perfect. You have found a balance, in the midst of this all. Some people never do, you are an inspiration to SO MANY.

  4. I have told you this so many are truly an inspiration...but I dont think ive stressed that you are the biggest inspiration to me and my family!!! I have only said that to family before, you are the first non-family member that has touched me so much!!! Your family has changed my view on so many aspects of life in just a few months!! To see you take such a sad situation and still find the beauty and good is something I admire!!! You make me strive to be a better person, a more loving and caring person!! Someone who smiles more, bec. I have every reason to and no reasons not many times the world, my self at the top of the list, forget that!! Please know when I say I am here for you, I mean that!! I am here to do WHATEVER you want!!! I will be your maid, your chef, you errand runner, your babysitter and your FRIEND!! You have my number PLEASE dont be shy to use it!! I will text to check on you but I dont want to be too over-the-top evasive... :) Ill swing by whenver you want co. Ill go shopping with ya whenever you want to get away...Ill do whatever!!! Again, you amaze me!! Thank you for remember God in this, Most ppl get mad and forget to remember Him. Vayden is such a blessing to my family. Again I thank you for sharing him with us!!! Love ya girl!!

  5. A hard week but you seem, to me at least, to be doing very well all things considered. Of course I know you have moments when things are not ok. I had those too. Vayden looks so precious in that picture! I am so glad you have your family and the Lord to get through these tough times. (((hugs)))

  6. Stephanie, I have tears rolling down my face. Tears of sadness but also just awe-inspired tears at the grace you and your husband have shown in the face of sending your own angel to Heaven. God Bless you both and both of your sons. It may sound very unbelievable but time will heal this. Heal the grief that is. However, your lives will be forever changed. Our daughter Amber died nineteen years ago. I am so comforted by two facts: she is in a place we all pray to get to and someday, when it's my time, I'll be with her forever (and that's a long time!) Praying for your family, Jeri

  7. I love you cousin!! Im here for you.

  8. Baby girl, I am so proud of you for the strength and love you have shown through this extremely difficult time. Vayden is truly loved and very much missed. I am so sorry I could not get here in time for his birth or passing, but please know that the time I spent with him and you in the hospital room was precious and in perfect peace. I had concern with how I would do, but once I walked in that room and saw that precious little face looking so peaceful, a peace that is unexplainable came over me and I truly enjoyed the time I had with my 2nd grandson. You do have a great balance, you hurt, you love, you cry, you laugh, you feel joy for the time you had, and that balance will help you through when times get hard. Call on those who love you to help you, when I’m back home and you need to talk, cry, or just call, do so. My heart hurts for you but I know that you will get through and you will continue to be an inspiration to others going through tragic situations, and Vayden will be looking down smiling at his mom and being very proud.

  9. I've come here by way of Tricia...

    I am so very sorry for your loss, please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...


  10. Stephanee,
    I just want to thank you for letting me part of Vayden's memorial service. It was beautiful =). & I am glad you have this blog to put all your thoughts down write so beautifully. Remember I am here if you need ANYthing. I will be calling soon & maybe we can take Vashon & Talan to the spray park. Keep your head up mama! Much love...

  11. First of all, I am deeply sorry for your loss, but I honor your faith. You are truly a beautiful woman. I know you from Cafemom. Your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers and may God Bless you. NaTasha, Moore, OK

  12. Stephanee,
    Your story is beautiful. Reading your story brought me back to my own son's birth and death from a lack of amniotic fluid. I think you and Van did a wonderful job parenting Vayden while he was here with you. Your family is in my prayers.

  13. Stephanie,
    Vayden is such a beautiful boy, truly and angel. I think of you often, and your strength and faith in God. I admire you for both, as I have been greatly shaken in those areas. Vayden knows, above all else, how much his mommy loves him.