Tuesday, May 19, 2009

But you gotta have faith

In these past few weeks more strangers are becoming brave to ask me questions about why I'm carrying to term, why I'm selecting comfort care, and the bravest of the brave ask me why I'm just going to let my baby die? I've also had many people tell me to pray and pray harder, I've been constantly reminded that God performs miracles, and I need to keep my faith.

I have faith. I still love God in fact I love him even more now, is that not faith? I'm carrying to term, I found out I lost fluid at 22 weeks, 12 weeks ago I could have said it's over lets get him out, but I didn't. Is that not faith? Is accepting that our prayers for a total and complete healing will be answered on earth or in heaven not faith? Yet because I contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and because I've booked the base chapel. I've been told that I don't have faith in what God can do.

So because I planned for the worst and the best, I have now spoken death to my child and there is no need for God to intervene??? Is that what you are trying to tell me ??? How many stories have you heard of people trying to slit their wrist and missing the vein? Or blow their brains out and missing the part that kills them?? is that not God??

God is not Santa Clause, all too often do people expect him to be, at the first moment they don't get what they wanted, they turn their back on him.

God is not and never does things like this to push you in the ground and kick dirt in your mouth, from all that is bad something does come good.

The point that I'm making is this is not up to me anymore, in fact it never was. However I have been told something is wrong and it has been explained to me how fatal it can be. I find that I've done a wonderful job in keeping my FAITH in check, otherwise this would have been over a long time ago. I want my baby more than anything, as I'm sure all the other wonderful faithful parents who have lost did also. I don't know what the final chapter will read for Vayden, but please don't mis understand my actions for a lack of faith, especially if you have not walked two steps in the shoes I'm wearing now.

I've addressed our choice for comfort care in previous post, so no need to go back around that merry go round, please understand that comfort care is not set in stone. Vayden will be assessed and then and only then will the true choice be made. I will not even address the "why am I just going to let my baby die?" because everyone who knows me and has truly read Vayden's story knows that we would never do something like that.


  1. Hugs! I got that a lot when I found out too...you are not "letting him die" you are letting him live...however long that may be. I certainly don't question your faith at all. It is faith that will get you through each day. Vayden is really blessed to have you as his Mommy!!!

  2. You are not just letting him die...you are presenting him whole into the arms of Jesus. If it is after a moment or after a lifetime of memories. You are going this well.

    I think of you so often.


  3. Please don't let negative comments make you feel like you are a bad person or that you are making the wrong choice. No one can say what they would do, until they are in the same position you are in. I'm sure that you didn't take any of these options lightly. Being pregnant, I still honestly don't know what I would do if I was in your situation. I admire your strength in the Lord and I believe it takes a VERY faithful person to put everything in God's hands. I'm praying for you and will continue to do so!

  4. How precious you are! Your faith is strong; that is very evident to me! Your God is amazing! He's holding you, each and all. His plan is good. My love to you through Him!

    Sue in Sparta,Tennessee

  5. Have you read Holding on to Hope? It is written by a woman who found out her daughter had a lethal genetic issue right after birth. She writes that when people asked if she was praying for a miracle, she would respond- "That's not how I feel led to pray." It wasn't a lack of faith that kept her from praying for a miracle, it was faith that God had her in his hands even without a miracle, and an acceptance of his goodness even in hard situations. He is holding on to you and Vayden. Maybe he will miraculously cure Vayden, but if he doesn't it is no reflection on your faith or his faithfulness. Your faithfulness is shown in your love and care for his precious creation- your Vayden.

  6. You are an amazing woman. Anyone who questions your judgement or decisions clearly has not taken the time to read everything you've written and shared with us.

  7. Seriously honey...your damned if you do, damned if you don't! If your little Vayden's lungs are developed enough, but his kidneys are shot...people will question you on all the things they are doing to help him live. (trust me on that one!) God knows your intentions - your heart...and that's all that matters. You don't have to answer to anyone else. I love how people call me heartless that I have a baby on dialysis...probably the same ones that would call you heartless for choosing comfort care depending on his lungs. They have no clue and never been in a situation where one of their child's life was hanging in the balance. If they were...they'd shut up. Don't give them the satisfaction. You are doing just fine momma!

  8. Vayden is a blessing and so are you. Hold strong to your faith--never waiver. God's got your back, even if others don't understand how to support you in your decisions.

  9. Also, can you email me at denenemillner at gmail dot com? You won the pendant from my Mother's Love giveaway, and I need your address...

  10. AMEN! I'm praying for you and your sweet baby boy lots these days!

  11. Hey girl Kristen gave me the news. I've been praying for almost two hours now. You and Vayden have not left my thoughts. I wish I could be there for you. Very happy to hear Van is. Please keep me posted. I am here if you need anything.
    Kristi and Quinton

  12. Stephanie, no one, absolutely no one, has the right to question your decisions,care, and love for Vayden, especially if they have not taken this heartbreaking walk. It is something that no one can even begin to imagine if they have not gone through it. You are doing what any loving mommy would do, LOVING your son with all of your heart and soul. I don't know you, but as one LUTO mommy to another, I think you are wonderful.

  13. Steph, you are such a wonderful, loving mother. I struggled with the same things just a few short months ago, and I'm so glad you are so strong in your decision. There were too many times that I felt horrible because I didn't feel that it was in God's plans for Matthew to survive. I sometimes felt a lot of pressure during the pregnancy to do more than I felt comfortablr with. I love your new slide show by the way!


  14. Well said....you are loving your son so well. Praying for you

  15. You are such a strong woman & an inspiration to me. I thought of this poem when I read were you talked about walking in your shoes. Keep your head high mama.

    "An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
    I am wearing a pair of shoes.
    They are ugly shoes.
    Uncomfortable Shoes.
    I hate my shoes.
    Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
    Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
    Yet, I continue to wear them.
    I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
    They are looks of sympathy.
    I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
    They never talk about my shoes.
    To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
    To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
    But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
    I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.
    There are many pairs in the world.
    Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
    Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
    Some have worked the shoes so long that days will go by
    before they think of how much they hurt.
    No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
    Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger women.
    These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
    They have made me who I am.
    I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

  16. Your post was so beautifuly written! My favorite thing that you said was God is not Santa Clause. So many times we try to put God into a box but God is glorified in death as well as in life! Ecc 7

    My husband and I delivered conjoined twin girls November 11th of last year. We also chose to love on our girls for whatever time God gave us and not have them taken away from us to die on their own. I am very happy with the choice that we made.

    I will be praying for your family~