Many of my very close friends are newly pregnant, or TTC their 2nd child. I find that I am once again the odd man out. For months I was the unfortunate gal who was carrying a baby that was going to pass. For months it was said to me "I don't know how you do it". Now I am asked "Do you plan to have anymore? " or " When are you going to try again?" The answer to those questions are, Yes and I don't know.
Can I say that there is fear behind the wait to jump back into the game? Yes, I can. However as any mother knows pregnancy can be uncomfortable, tiring and lets be honest, I love being able to see my feet and sleep on stomach. I do not suffer from that feeling that if I have another I will replace Vayden or forget about him. I will never forget Vayden. I do wonder if I happen to have another boy, what on earth will I name him. I have surely ran out of names that start with V for a boy. Everyone of my friends and family want me to be tortured by having a lil girl, so I probably wont have do address that issue. I still remember the response from everyone when we found out Vayden was a boy and suffered from LUTO. It was not "OMG, what is that is he going to be ok?" it was "are they sure it's a boy?" attached with a silent (darn).
I can not place a date on when I plan to start TTC, but at my 2 wks post partum appointment I found myself either refusing or making excuses for the offered methods of birth control. My mind says, "no you don't want to be pregnant for virtually 18 months" but way in the back of my mind, I think how great it would be to keep up with the Joneses. Have my baby right along with my friends. But then I remember I already had my 2nd baby, I already served my 8 months of pregnancy. I haven't had a glass of wine in 11 months, and most of all I am still emotionally grieving the loss of Vayden; despite the fact that I don't cry everyday anymore.
How am I doing? Is the BIG question that so many wonderful supporters ask. I'm doing well, better than I expected to be honest. I find that the majority of my thoughts about Vayden are accompanied by a smile. It is only the future thoughts about Vayden in which I become sad or cry, when I think or him as a 2 yr old like Vashon, or playing in the backyard, fishing with his father. To those thoughts I tend to become sad and hurt for my loss, Vayden wont experience those things here on earth. However to brighten my mood I also note that he wont experience being laid off, betrayed, lied to, broken hearted, bad grades, and even getting yelled at by his parents. Somewhat of a balance, I guess.
Thank you for asking me how I am doing and I will never get sick of that question, because the answer will be different everyday. I have a lot going on and BIG BIG plans that I will discuss in future post. Just know that Vayden's death and memory will not go in vain and I have found that all things do work together for good to those that love God.
Can't believe our little miracle is 3 years old!
4 years ago