Friday, June 12, 2009

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Many of my very close friends are newly pregnant, or TTC their 2nd child. I find that I am once again the odd man out. For months I was the unfortunate gal who was carrying a baby that was going to pass. For months it was said to me "I don't know how you do it". Now I am asked "Do you plan to have anymore? " or " When are you going to try again?" The answer to those questions are, Yes and I don't know.

Can I say that there is fear behind the wait to jump back into the game? Yes, I can. However as any mother knows pregnancy can be uncomfortable, tiring and lets be honest, I love being able to see my feet and sleep on stomach. I do not suffer from that feeling that if I have another I will replace Vayden or forget about him. I will never forget Vayden. I do wonder if I happen to have another boy, what on earth will I name him. I have surely ran out of names that start with V for a boy. Everyone of my friends and family want me to be tortured by having a lil girl, so I probably wont have do address that issue. I still remember the response from everyone when we found out Vayden was a boy and suffered from LUTO. It was not "OMG, what is that is he going to be ok?" it was "are they sure it's a boy?" attached with a silent (darn).

I can not place a date on when I plan to start TTC, but at my 2 wks post partum appointment I found myself either refusing or making excuses for the offered methods of birth control. My mind says, "no you don't want to be pregnant for virtually 18 months" but way in the back of my mind, I think how great it would be to keep up with the Joneses. Have my baby right along with my friends. But then I remember I already had my 2nd baby, I already served my 8 months of pregnancy. I haven't had a glass of wine in 11 months, and most of all I am still emotionally grieving the loss of Vayden; despite the fact that I don't cry everyday anymore.

How am I doing? Is the BIG question that so many wonderful supporters ask. I'm doing well, better than I expected to be honest. I find that the majority of my thoughts about Vayden are accompanied by a smile. It is only the future thoughts about Vayden in which I become sad or cry, when I think or him as a 2 yr old like Vashon, or playing in the backyard, fishing with his father. To those thoughts I tend to become sad and hurt for my loss, Vayden wont experience those things here on earth. However to brighten my mood I also note that he wont experience being laid off, betrayed, lied to, broken hearted, bad grades, and even getting yelled at by his parents. Somewhat of a balance, I guess.

Thank you for asking me how I am doing and I will never get sick of that question, because the answer will be different everyday. I have a lot going on and BIG BIG plans that I will discuss in future post. Just know that Vayden's death and memory will not go in vain and I have found that all things do work together for good to those that love God.


  1. I guess according to everyone's standards, I am glad you are doing "well". Deciding when to TTC can be tricky b/c you still have those feelings of grief mixed in the hurricane of emotions that's taking place. I knew we would start trying right away. I have friends who took years. Either way is ok. I am glad that when you think of Vayden you can smile.

  2. Still praying for you. Thanks so much for your email. I love the picture of Vayden with the Comfort Bear. He is so precious....just beautiful.

  3. You will know when the time is right for you. I knew in my heart that I wanted to try again soon.
    Thinking about the future without your baby is heart rending. So many firsts that will never be, truly hurts your heart. I am so glad for you that you can think of Vayden and smile for the memories of him you have.

  4. I just FINALLY learned how to post comments. I'm slow!

    You've got me wondering about your BIG BIG plans now, Steph! Darn you!

    I wanted to TTC right away. Sorta. I wanted it, but with not knowing WHY our son died, I was scared to do it because there is that HUGE unknown.... BUT we decided to not TRY, but not to PREVENT.. and, well, here we are 6 months later!

    I hope everything goes just as you plan. And fill me in on the BIG plan, PLEASE!! lol

    p.s. i'm not trying to be anonymous, but i can't figure it out. lol


  5. You are doing so well. Your faith in God is truly shining through. You will never replace Vaydon with another child. He is your sweet angel baby that will be looking over his family until you can return to his loving arms.

    I feel like the odd one out too sometimes. After placing my son for adoption and then miscarring, when my husband and i were TTC, many people would ask me when we would try again. All of my friends have 1 of 2 children. We have yet to have one. I have one, but he's only mine in my heart, because he already has his parents. I now tell people that we don't know when we will have a baby. It's just such a personal thing to decide when you want to try and get pregnant. You do it when you are your husband feel ready. And go to the Lord. He will let you know when the time is right as well!!


  6. I think this is such a beautiful post. And I'm so glad to hear that most days are good ones.


  7. I wanted to thank you for sharing your story of Vayden. Your faithfulness through it all is just wonderful. It has helped me greatly in my journey with our lil Santino. I'm 34 wks and lil guy has been diagnosed with LUTO/PUV. I'm due July 28th and it seems to be coming quickly. You and Jenn have inspired me to create my own blog to help others that are experiencing what we are. Thank you again and your family is in my prayers often.

  8. O are such an amazing writer!! You know, I feel like the odd one out all the time too! It hurts, and sometimes I feel myself drifting off "thinking" as I am sure you do too. We can be the odd ones out together :) I will cont. to pray and like everyone else said...I am sure you will know when the time is right. Maybe we can actually be pregnant together and have our lil ones play together :)