Birth mothers are remarkable wonderful women in my opinion. Yet they are so often made to look like drug addicts or money hungry women. The big picture is that they giving Gods greatest gift to a family worthy but not able, not everyone can be a birth mother and it's not an easy thing to do.
A former classmate of mine, is a birth mother. When I found out that Vayden was said to not make it. I battled with contacting her, in my heart I felt like she may understand me just as a mother who's child has died, however I didn't want to imply that I viewed her child as dead. I contacted her anyway after weeks of questioning myself. She was of wonderful help. At first she didn't see how she could be of any help to me, her son was still alive. However as she started going on in her email reply she began to notice how similar we were. Our bodies will do the same thing with no baby to take the milk, no reason why we're so fat, lol (joke). What made us even more alike was the choice we had to make. My battle between comfort care and invasive care was very much like her battle between keeping her baby and giving him up. The reasons behind the decision didn't matter, it's the battle between the two that was the same.
This is not a political debate, the purpose is to thank the birth mother that I've spoken to in my journey of being uneasy and unsure. It is to let her and all other birth mommies know that you also experience some form of loss, I understand that now more than ever. I can not control whether or not I will keep Vayden, in some form I feel I have it easier than she did. But all in all, this one thing is true, It's in Gods hands.
About 12 weeks ago my mother and I cried together. She said that if Vayden does go to look at it as him being well taken care of by a women in heaven who wasn't able to have children on earth. She would be there for him until it was time for me to come back, but I will always be his birth mother. That was a wonderful thing to hear, it made me feel comforted that if in fact I did loose my baby boy, not only would he be with our great father God, but he would also have a mommy while I was away.
If I don't get what I want out of this, and we all know what I really want. I will have gained so much knowledge and such a wonderful understanding of beavered parents and birth mothers, even people that have lost close friends or family. I have gained medical knowledge about things that I would have never thought about and most of all, my faith and my trust in God has grown so much, even when things look so dark. I still never and wont blame him.
Can't believe our little miracle is 3 years old!
4 years ago