Thursday, April 30, 2009

It wasn't supposed to be this way

"All things work together for good, to those that love God" -Romans 8:28

That verse is hanging on the wall in my house, every time you go down the stairs you see it. Such a powerful verse, it's something that you have to hold onto even when you so badly want to question, "Now how can that be in my situation?"

It's not supposed to be this way. This isn't at all how I planned this out. I should be done with Vayden's room, a Jungle Book theme, I should be watching A Baby Story being excited for all these other mommies. I chose a midwife this time around because I wanted to try to at least feel one real contraction, I should be watching "The Business of Being Born" over and over again, preparing myself physically and mentally to have a drug free birth. If this pregnancy were normal I would be online purchasing Vashon's "I'm the BIG BROTHER" t-shirt and Van's #1 DAD shirt. My diaper n wipe shower would be soon coming up, and I would stay on line in chat rooms like Cafemom or Babyfit, talking to other mommies due in June about all the things we love and hate about pregnancy.

Instead the room that is next to Vashon's is now ready for guest that come to our home. I stay away from TLC and the Discovery Health channel. I will have a medicated and induced birth because I don't want to be too tired to spend time with Vayden and I would like for him to meet his grandmothers. No T-shirts are being ordered and the only showers I've been seeing are the April showers that bring May flowers. I don't go on the chat rooms very often, and my view on the joys and pitfalls of pregnancy have changed. I no longer think it totally sucks to not be able to eat sushi or have a beer. I feel like every hard moment is just a blessing towards your next blessing the baby itself. However I feel all the pains and pitfalls of pregnancy I also emotionally deal with so much more.

Yesterday we met with the Chaplain on base. It was our first appointment to get us on a spiritual pathway together as a couple as things begin to rock our world. I have in this last week became very angry and emotional. I can not pin point or target where my anger is coming from or whom it's directed to, but I'm angry. We were told to walk not run through this Valley of Death and that it's OK to question God, however God doesn't have to answer all the time. He spoke of the story of Job, how he basically lost everything except his love for God, and how in the end, all things worked together for good. Even after reading that story in the Bible, I can not seem to wrap my whole heart around this being good in any form.

Where is the good in a marriage that is being tested so hard that you feel it may be torn apart?
Where is the good in being afraid to try to have another one?
Where is the good in the friends I've lost due to this taboo topic?
What is good about no sleep?
What is good about crying all the time?
What is good about a condition that we can't even fight with research? This is a fluke, it just happens, How can I be of any help to anyone else with this when the outcomes are random. Sometimes you get through it sometimes you don't. It's all luck, because Vayden's was caught early enough, I had a good medical team, I went in for intervention..........yet still.

I'm not angry at God. Like I said before I don't know why or who my anger is directed to, it could be my lack of sleep or that time is quickly coming and as much as I want to hold my baby I have to be prepared to let him go if called to heaven. That is a bittersweet want; or maybe this anger is Fear of the unknown and of what I can not control. I keep reminding myself that God is crying with me, he hurts like I hurt, so I really don't think I'm angry with him. Although the creator of all I'm aware that these negatives in life are a direct result of living in a world of sin. I just keep praying he pull me from this anger and bring me back to that state of peace.

I just keep thinking is, it wasn't supposed to be this way.


  1. You're wasn't.

    I read your words and they are all too familiar to me. I hate that anyone has to go through this. Your outlook on pregnancy totally changes when something like this happens. Like you said, stuff that seemed so bad really isn't that bad at all. And honestly, it can get annoying to her other moms complain about such trivial things. I was always thinking in my mind "you should be thankful that you get to keep your baby!" I had to give my baby to God, which in reality is the best thing you could ever ask for but you always want your children with you.

    It's hard to understand how any good can come of a situation like this. God can do great things through tragedy but you have to be willing to let Him do so. For instance, look at all the lives Carleigh touched! Look at the lives that Vayden has touched! Carleigh has done far more in her little life than I could ever do in my lifetime. I see the good God has done.

    It's ok to be angry. A normal response to what you are going through. But also an emotion to keep your eye on. It can destroy the things and people you love. Praying that God gives you some peace among the anger.

  2. Steph,

    I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know it starts to get really difficult the closer it gets. Our loving God is watching over you! He will be holding your hand the whole way through as He has been. Put your trust and complete faith in Him. I know it's hard and you have so many questions unanswered. Matthew has been a true blessing to us and I wouldn't be who I am right now if we didn't go through what we did. I will be here for you whenever you need to talk! 321-750-8354. Praying for you!!

  3. You are a remarkable young woman. I am praying for you.

  4. Hey Stephanee~Just wanted to check in and let you know that I have been thinking about you and Vayden. It's okay to be angry and feel that this isn't the way things were supposed to be. You can't be strong all the time and no one expects you to be. You are such a courageous and inspirational person to me, and Vayden's story has touched me in so many ways.I truly feel blessed to have known you and Vayden, in a way, as the two of you have given me perspective on my life and my boys. Thank you.

  5. You are so, so right. It is not supposed to be this way. You are supposed to be anticipating a new beautiful life, not preparing yourself for loss. And yes, I know that anger. I still have it.
    Oh that word...Fluke... such a painful, unfair state of being. I hear and feel everything you say Stephanie. How does a mommie prepare to say hello then good-bye?? And all of the things about pregnancy that some women find annoying, and complain about because they have no idea that these heartbreaking things can happen. I get very upset when I hear them complain as if so inconvenienced. I feel like telling them, "you don't know what fortune you have, be quiet and embrace every moment !" It's just so hard. Even before losing Devyn, I never complained about morning sickness, or gaining weight or all the many things others complained about because frankly I have always seen it as part of the miraculous journey to the most beautiful thing, a sweet baby. It may sound silly but after losing Devyn these things seem even more precious, than before. Am I strange for feeling this way?
    I have to admit that my faith is very shaky after all of this, and I admire those who's faith they feel has gotten stronger because of this. You are a strong woman Stephanie, and this is by no means an easy path to be on. You are handling things with such grace. I thank you for your comments, and I am here to listen to you as well, whenever you need.

  6. Hi, just stumbled on your blog. I'm so very sorry for your heartache over your sweet boy. It's o.k. to be angry for a time... God is big enough to handle it! I'll be praying for you and your family.

  7. Hey Stephanee. Thanks for the comment. :)
    I've thought of pregnancy differently since being told my Matthew didn't stand a chance. I cherished every kick and every pound I gained because it meant he was strong and growing...though I'm still gaining those pounds...and he's been out for awhile. :P
    You and Vayden will be in my prayers. Miracles do happen, though just like prayers...they may not be revealed in a way we want to see it. From diagnosis, to birth, to dialysis and now as we journey closer to transplant, I have been taught something new each time. (most of the time I really didn't want to learn that way, but was later thankful...knowing that was the only way God could get through my thick skull!)
    I will most definitely be checking back in on your blog and praying the Vayden has a peaceful and loving life...whether it be 10 minutes or 10 decades. Hugs to you!

  8. Your words are so raw...yet so true. You may feel that they don't make sense...although they do to every mother who has had to say good-bye so soon! So much to try to get your arms around. You don't have a time line...take your time. Ask! I feel like I threw fits at times!! I want you to know that I am praying for you. I am sooo sad that you have to do this!