It wasn't supposed to be this way

"All things work together for good, to those that love God" -Romans 8:28

That verse is hanging on the wall in my house, every time you go down the stairs you see it. Such a powerful verse, it's something that you have to hold onto even when you so badly want to question, "Now how can that be in my situation?"

It's not supposed to be this way. This isn't at all how I planned this out. I should be done with Vayden's room, a Jungle Book theme, I should be watching A Baby Story being excited for all these other mommies. I chose a midwife this time around because I wanted to try to at least feel one real contraction, I should be watching "The Business of Being Born" over and over again, preparing myself physically and mentally to have a drug free birth. If this pregnancy were normal I would be online purchasing Vashon's "I'm the BIG BROTHER" t-shirt and Van's #1 DAD shirt. My diaper n wipe shower would be soon coming up, and I would stay on line in chat rooms like Cafemom or Babyfit, talking to other mommies due in June about all the things we love and hate about pregnancy.

Instead the room that is next to Vashon's is now ready for guest that come to our home. I stay away from TLC and the Discovery Health channel. I will have a medicated and induced birth because I don't want to be too tired to spend time with Vayden and I would like for him to meet his grandmothers. No T-shirts are being ordered and the only showers I've been seeing are the April showers that bring May flowers. I don't go on the chat rooms very often, and my view on the joys and pitfalls of pregnancy have changed. I no longer think it totally sucks to not be able to eat sushi or have a beer. I feel like every hard moment is just a blessing towards your next blessing the baby itself. However I feel all the pains and pitfalls of pregnancy I also emotionally deal with so much more.

Yesterday we met with the Chaplain on base. It was our first appointment to get us on a spiritual pathway together as a couple as things begin to rock our world. I have in this last week became very angry and emotional. I can not pin point or target where my anger is coming from or whom it's directed to, but I'm angry. We were told to walk not run through this Valley of Death and that it's OK to question God, however God doesn't have to answer all the time. He spoke of the story of Job, how he basically lost everything except his love for God, and how in the end, all things worked together for good. Even after reading that story in the Bible, I can not seem to wrap my whole heart around this being good in any form.

Where is the good in a marriage that is being tested so hard that you feel it may be torn apart?
Where is the good in being afraid to try to have another one?
Where is the good in the friends I've lost due to this taboo topic?
What is good about no sleep?
What is good about crying all the time?
What is good about a condition that we can't even fight with research? This is a fluke, it just happens, How can I be of any help to anyone else with this when the outcomes are random. Sometimes you get through it sometimes you don't. It's all luck, because Vayden's was caught early enough, I had a good medical team, I went in for intervention..........yet still.

I'm not angry at God. Like I said before I don't know why or who my anger is directed to, it could be my lack of sleep or that time is quickly coming and as much as I want to hold my baby I have to be prepared to let him go if called to heaven. That is a bittersweet want; or maybe this anger is Fear of the unknown and of what I can not control. I keep reminding myself that God is crying with me, he hurts like I hurt, so I really don't think I'm angry with him. Although the creator of all I'm aware that these negatives in life are a direct result of living in a world of sin. I just keep praying he pull me from this anger and bring me back to that state of peace.

I just keep thinking is, it wasn't supposed to be this way.