If Vayden were here

Vashon was potty training since September of last year, he became TRAINED in Feb with accidents here and there but nothing that caused me to stress or worry. In this last 2 weeks Vashon has had 1 or 2 accidents a day. I'm a SAHM and I don't know if I'm good at it, Vashon is always clean and taken care of, he's smart and fun, but I've always known how to work and I've been good at that. SAHM blame themselves a lot, well at least I do, if your child is with you everyday all day then whatever he does is your fault good or bad. So we toot our horns when they reach milestones and we hang our head in shame when they embarrass us. Logical thinking tells me it's a toddler thing, and he would do it if he stayed at home or if he went to school. But my mind is so loud and all I can hear when he poops and pee's on himself is FAILURE. So I wonder why is he doing this? A dear friend of mine is a childhood nurse and she is like my super nanny, so I called her to discuss this and just like everything you'll find in a book or online she asked "have we changed anything in his life?" I said "No" other than finding out we were pregnant which we don't talk about a lot in the house. Every now and then if he's jumping around close to me we'll say "mommy has a baby in her belly, so you need to be careful" but we don't just always talk about the new baby.



Day after day he has a poop accident and I wonder every time what is going on in your little head, but today was the day when it really just upset me. While I cleaned the mess off the floor I shouted "if Vayden were here I wouldn't be so mad about this poop" Vayden would be 11 mo old right now and he wouldn't be potty trained so I would be dealing with poop messes already and for some reason in my mind I think it would have made Vashon accidents flow better. But instead I see him poop on the floor or poop in his underwear and I hear FAILURE. I think the grief bug has got me, because I spent a large part of the day crying my eyes out just upset that at the fact that Vayden is not here.

Brother Bear

I've posted about this bear many times he is also been referred to as "cuddle brother" Vashon now calls him "brother bear". This gift from Kelly with Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries is the best thing for Vashon that was meant for me. Vashon is all boy and never wanted anything to do with stuff animals and still could care less about any new ones that come into the house. However Brother Bear is the one thing Vashon always seems to need. I've watched Vashon love on him, wrestle with him and even discipline him like a big brother would. Brother Bear is with Vashon often and has become a huge part of our family. Needless to say Brother Bear being a 3 yr olds best friend goes through just as much as a normal 3 yr old boy would go through. The cream colored bear turned gray with spots of crayon and spaghetti sauce. I have been so afraid to wash him because even though I know I could always ask Kelly for a new one, I think Vashon would know and deep down inside we would know also that the new brother bear was not the same bear that laid with Vayden the day he was born.

I knew I was supposed to wash him with a mild soap but every time I went to the store I was afraid that my choice would ruin him. Last night we had the family bed, while Vashon's leg was over my head and brother bears arm was in my face I realized that he smelled like syrup. hmmm Did Vashon try to feed him waffles? I looked at him and thought "what has he done to you sweet bear" then I thought how I wanted to wash him right that moment. I looked over at the picture of Vayden on my dresser and thought of the noodle and boo baby wash that we bathed Vayden with on his birthday. I got up to find the slightly used bottled that was just going to sit there and took brother bear into the bathroom to give him a much needed bath. It was supposed to be a mom cleaning her child's teddy bear but instead it was like giving Vayden another bath. The strong special scent hit my senses and took me back to the day Vayden was born, the bear smelled as sweet as Vayden did as I carefully cleaned him making sure the softness of the cotton stayed the same. When I was done I took him down stairs and placed him in a clean pillow case put him in the dryer on a very low cycle.
When Brother Bear came out he was cream colored again and smelled just like Vayden did the day he was born. Cleaning him was a good idea but using the infant wash to clean him was even better, Vashon still loves his brother bear and now I have a hard time sharing him because of his amazing new scent.

I just can't thank you enough Kelly

A newly cleaned brother bear, and when I say this bear was gray, I mean this bear was gray

Good News

I'm breaking my silence although only a few people are still out of the loop. I have over 100 blog followers yet since Vayden's loss I get about 10-20 readers on each post, so those readers I consider loyal and those readers I'd like to share my news with. I've never been good at keeping secrets and I never really knew why I was keeping it a secret. Fear was not the reason, I actually have very little fear about this baby. I guess I just wanted to give Vayden his full year, but the more and more people that are finding out are showing me that Vayden is just as if not more important now, and for that I am thankful. I've been keeping a blog for this baby www.journeytomyrainbow.blogspot.com I apologize for the many post that you will have to catch up on. This baby is Due December 10, 2010 and I am not considered high risk because Vayden's condition was non genetic, which is why I haven't seen my midwife yet. My 1st appt is May 13,2010 and I am 100% fine with that, just hoping they only find one baby in there, lol. Despite my good vibes and strong faith I still would love prayers from you all. I am sticking to my word and not making the big Facebook announcement until either after my appt or after Vayden's birthday, so if you are friends with me on facebook nothing on my wall please. :) I will still be blogging on this blog however as stated before this is Vayden's blog so all the post will be about him.

When I Get Upset

I get upset when I look at Vashon playing alone and he looks sad, because I know that my perfect plan of having two kids only 26 months apart was ruined the day Vayden died.

I get upset when I look at his pictures and wonder how he would look now at 11 months old.

I get upset when friends from high school find me on Facebook and fail to acknowledge Vayden, you will not open up a new wound if you say "I'm sorry for your loss" it does not break my heart or make me cry to tell his story.

I get upset whenever I go out and see baby safari bedroom sets, because that was what Vayden's bedroom was going to be.

I get upset when I turn on the news to hear that someone killed a child.

I get upset when I see pregnant women that smoke or drink.

I get upset that I even get upset for my loss when women that suffer from infertility hurt far more than I have.

Today marks 11 heavenly months that Vayden has been away and this month I miss him so much today and I'm watching Vashon play all by himself I am upset.

Happy 11th month in Heaven sweet Vayden, your big brother miss you and mommy and daddy do too.

Dear Vayden,

Dear Vayden,

Today marks your 10th month in Heaven, how are you doing up there? We miss you so much, and you are always on my mind. This month has been exciting for all of us. Vashon your older brother is 100% potty trained and he's growing up so fast. I'm excited for the day when I get to sit him down and tell him all about his baby brother Vayden, yet I'm also fearful that at such a young age the understanding of death with throw him into a fearful state of mind about life. We will find the perfect way to explain your story to him so that at his age he understands. Thank you for taking care of your Grampie, he's doing better now and he was the first person in the family to have a dream about you. I must say I'm kind of jealous, he was able to see you walk before I did. I'll wait for my turn to see you in my dreams, and I hope it's a long one. Your Grammie or as Vashon now calls her Nanny thinks of you all the time, and the bitter sweetness of Vashon growing up so fast makes her miss seeing you grow up the same.

Mommy and Daddy finally took a break from life and went on a 7 day cruise. Vayden we had so much fun and it was a much needed break. I just cant bite my tongue when it comes to my babies, and I was able to tell people about you and your brother. Mommy and Daddy are also ready to have another baby, please know that you will never be forgotten or left out. I figure each of my children will have a unique pregnancy so since we knew what Vashon was at 13 wks and the pregnancy with you we knew everything and more than we wanted....my next baby I plan to go straight old school and know nothing. This will allow me to focus on what truly matters "a healthy baby" .

Happy 10th month in Heaven sweet angel baby, not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

Love always, Mommy

*Picture above - vayden's name written in the sands of a beautiful beach in Cabo San Lucas, MX*

(This post is being published 1 day before Vayden's heavenly marker because I am on the road driving back to OKC)

9 Months Down......A Lifetime to Go

We are getting close to a year without Vayden and although I'm doing fine, at peace with my loss and have created a wonderful foundation to support others on this journey, I still find myself looking at old photos of me thinking to myself "who would have thought she would lose her baby".

Earlier this month I was asked by my mother to come home because my father was very ill, when a parent tells their child to come home, the 1st thought is that someone is going to die. I didn't want to go home when I got the call, I knew my dad was going to pull through, but I also had 100% faith that Vayden was going to come home at one point. I did go home and my father is doing better, but the thoughts of death were once again placed heavy on my heart. I think I said it before but in my heart many deaths are justifiable or understandable except the deaths of babies and children. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how and why that happens, although I know first hand that it does happen. My father's possible dying weighed heavy on my heart, but sadly I admit that if it was to be his time I would find comfort in knowing that Vayden would have someone there with him. ( I feel horrible thinking such a thing)

I've also hit a revelation in my grief once again, yes I am not perfect.....As complicated as this may sound I both fear and seek death. Please let me explain before you contact suicide watch. I do not want or have any intentions to kill myself, but if I were to die I would be with my son and that is where the seeking part comes in. The fear is something I noticed while chatting with a friend, I hate going anywhere in fear that some stupid driver will t-bone me and I will die prematurely, leaving Vashon and Van behind. It is so complicated how I feel and I don't even know if I used the correct terms. I'm not miserable on earth and I'm sure I wouldn't be miserable in Heaven, it's like I have two worlds to live in and I want both, but can't have them at the same time. To be in these worlds you must either live or die.

Hopefully none of you are worried that I may do something I shouldn't do, I fully know that the choice to live or die is and should only be in the hands of our maker. This is my blog and I just wanted to share with you how I feel. I am going to talk to someone about my overall fear of driving and/or going out, I still have the I don't like big crowds issue, but I'm starting to think that has something to do with my age.

Checking in 8 months later

I usually write more often but I've had terrible bloggers block. I post at least once a month on every heavenly month marker and today marks the 8th heavenly month that sweet Vayden has been gone. Still feels like yesterday but I'm already half way to a year and no where near the lifetime of missing my angel. I really don't have much to say, my grief has been pretty consistent which can mean a few things, I just hope a HUGE wave of sadness wont be coming soon. Every month of Vayden's memory date I do little things to honor him. I change my facebook photo to a picture of him, I write a blog post, and subconsciously our family just takes it easy and spends quality time with each other.

I am very excited for his 1st angel versary which may sound strange but I have so much going on that month with My Very Own Angel and I plan to honor the many accomplishments he's made in just one year. I do not expect that day to be sad, I plan to celebrate angel baby style.


*On a side note, in this last month I've caught the fever........ baby fever as I find myself not speeding through TLC's a baby story while flipping the channels. We've never been preventing but we have been family planning so after our cruise in March we will allow God to do what he needs to do and I will be able to shower and shave on those 3 no no days again. Just kidding :)

I also want to thank a dear follower and friend Sarita for sending my boys these so cute teddy bear pieces, with their birthstones and names on them (sorry for the picture quality but they are amazing) Sarita does not blog herself, but she does have an angel and she does follow many angel family blogs. Thank you Sarita

Happy 8th month in Heaven lil guy, you are still greatly missed.