10 years later, it's time for some changes

Happy 10th Heavenly Birthday, sweet baby boy. I must admit that I tried to write your annual blog post days in advance, I have been struggling with time management lately and I’ve just been a little busy. But I couldn’t do it. Every time I tried I’d write something that was familiar then I’d look back at my blog and realize at some point I already said these things. That I miss you, love you, and imagine who you would be. I’ve already written about how strong you are and how proud I am of you, what more can I say? It began to sound like a broken record.  And once again sweet boy, your Aunt Pam came to the rescue with a surprise call that made me realize, there isn’t much more we can say. As she celebrates Joey’s 10th year gone we are reminded that we just have to feel this way and walk in these shoes every year around this time, and while we know we need to feel it and own these emotions, we can’t help but want it to pass until the next year.

I struggled this year leading up to your birthday, to be honest, I didn’t even plan anything big. I saw myself as a mother who failed and I wasn’t crying because I didn’t buy a cake for you, I cried because I didn’t want to. I cried because here I was staring at this milestone year for you and all I could think about was how I don’t like going to Chili’s every year anymore, didn’t want a cake, and couldn’t stay up until midnight to do the midnight balloon release.  On top of not having anything inspirational to write, I was having some serious angel mom guilt.

I woke up this morning and got ready for work like it was a normal day, but I still felt guilty, so I grabbed some pink and blue ribbon stickers and stopped at the store to buy bagels and donuts for my co workers. When I got to work I put the food and stickers on the break room table and typed up a message that read: “Posada Life Family, 10 years ago today I lost a little piece of my heart. My son Vayden James Stewart passed away 3 hours and 45 minutes after he was born. We can’t celebrate him here on earth, so we celebrate him by sharing his memory. The pink and blue ribbons are for pregnancy and infant loss awareness, please enjoy the goodies and take a sticker in honor of Vayden.” 

As the staff started to arrive I was greeted with hugs of comfort and questions about you and your story, I even found another mother who wears these same ugly infant loss shoes.  I’ve been working with this woman for 4 months and we never knew we shared the same heartache. Everyone grabbed a sticker and wore it today in honor of you and to support me. It was beautiful. And by the end of the day, everyone thanked me for the goodies, and for sharing your story.  Son, you did it again, you continue to touch the lives of people you never had a chance to meet.

I realized today, after talking to Pam that it’s cool to have a ritual until it doesn’t give you joy anymore. Our old ritual is done, perhaps we will go back to it, but for now, we’ve got a new plan. We are going to take it year by year. One thing that we will NEVER change is sharing Vayden’s story, his name will continue to make a mark in the hearts of those who walked the journey with us and those who now walk alongside us. I don’t know if I will be able to keep up with the annual blog post, I may just pop in on the milestone years, or perhaps as always something amazing will happen and I will feel compelled to write.

I want to thank the new lovers of Vayden, everyone in Arizona that we have met, that know his story now. I am forever grateful for your love and support. Thank you for choosing to learn about our son, asking about his life, and offering your condolences, love, and support, even after all this time, it really means a lot to use. To those of you who continue to walk this journey with us, I appreciate you so very much, thank you.

Happy Happy Birthday Vayden, I hope I continue to make you proud.

Love, Mommy