What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months

Vayden,

Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

Walk To Remember

Today was the annual Walk to Remember for the hospital where Vayden was delivered. This was my 2nd time attending since losing Vayden and I hope to continue to attend every year.



Van was unable to attend last years walk because he was deployed, so in his place my mother came into town to walk with me to remember Vayden. She was unable to come this year, and it was ok, because Van was going to attend until his TDY return date was pushed back at the last minute. I was beyond heartbroken at the thought of having to attend the walk alone, the MOST important thing needed while grieving a loss is support. I was prepared to go alone but definitely didn't want to. I posted about my bad news on Facebook and some of my dear local friends reached out to me offering to join me at the Walk to Remember. I have to say giving up a few hours of your Saturday morning to come out and show your support for my angel is an amazing thing. I am once again sure that there are walking angels in this world.

Getting ready for the walk I painted Vayden's foot print stamp and placed it on my face


At the Walk to Remember with Vashon and baby VJS3

Brenna (pink) and Desirre (white) are two AF wives that I've met just being at Tinker. These two girls are amazing and so supportive, I swear if they ever needed anything I would stop, drop and roll for them. They haven't even known me for more than a year and they came out and supported me and my angel like we've been long time best friends. Brenna actually also gave her time to stay at my house the day of Vayden's memorial service to watch all the kids, so the parents could attend and focus on the service. *Walking angels for sure.*

I met Erin through the OU Family Advisory Council, she's never lost a child, but her son Henry has an amazing story of HLHS. As soon as I posted about Van not being able to make it, she let me know that her and her family would be out at the walk. Again someone I haven't even known a full year lending her time and support to give me that huge smile I have on my face. If the world could only be filled with amazing people like this.

Here is a pic of Vashon and the pond wearing his "My little Brother is an Angel in Heaven" shirt with a stamp of Vayden foot print on the bottom of it.

So I did get a little emotional at the walk, maybe it's the hormones or the fact that Van couldn't be there, but as we watched each pebble make a ripple I saw a HUGE group of people wearing the same t-shirts preparing to take a group photo. It made me really miss having my family so close. I know that if this would have been in my home town we would have had the largest group, I know it's not about the size of the group but the love they all have, I guess I was just a little jealous of the support those two parents had.

At the end of the walk we took one last photo and it came out amazing and even though my group was small, and not my family, they mean so much to me and I am so grateful that they came out to show their support for our family and for Vayden.

16 Months in Heaven

Time keeps passing and I often worry how long will I be able to keep Vayden's memory alive. I know he's always in my heart and always on my mind, but without those growing milestones. How will Vayden's memory stay fresh in the hearts and minds of all the people that love him?

I love my angel mommy blog friends, we all help each other by sharing ideas and memory keepsakes of our angels.








I got the idea to get a stamp of Vayden's footprint made from Holly, who used a stamp of her angel's hand print on one of her maternity pictures. That alone was an amazing idea, and it just got me thinking about all the many other ways I could use Vayden's footprint stamp.

I ordered this custom made stamp from www.simonstamp.com it was very easy, the price was great and they were fast to deliver it. I measured the print that I scanned of his actual footprint and asked them to make the stamp the same size. I love the detail that is in the stamp, so exact to his actual footprint. I plan to order another one in a smaller size which will be used when we sign our names in cards and what not. Receiving this stamp gave our family a new way to keep Vayden's memory alive. We miss him so much.

Happy 16th month in Heaven sweet baby. We love you

God's Timing

Happy 15th months in Heaven sweet Vayden, although this post is for you I'm also taking the time to pay my respects to another sweet angel that was welcomed into Heaven just a few days ago. I hope that you are showing him around & being nice, he is a friend of the family.

Before losing Vayden I tried my hardest to look at death as God's Timing, a way to sweeten the bitterness of the loss. But I really only felt that way in peaceful cases of loss, the things you read and see on the news always make me wonder about using the phrase "God's Timing". I was taught to not question God on anything he does. He is my father, I am to obey and he knows what is right for me. When Vayden died I never questioned him but I did let him know how I felt about the situation. So much has come out of Vayden's death, some good, some bad but understanding his loss was easy for me. Justifying his case that it was all in God's Timing is easy, but what happens when it's not?

A friend of the family found their 3 yr old son in the pool a few days ago, this was an accident, a very tragic accident. When I was pregnant I would always focus on a few major facts....that Vayden was a planned pregnancy and that I did everything right. People often want to assume that maybe I was on something or I caused Vayden to have what he had. It's important that they understand that even good parents have a stroke of bad luck every now and then. This is also the case with this family, great parents and then in a moment bad luck.

The night we found out I couldn't sleep, my heart ached for the family but I sat unsettled with God that evening. I just couldn't get it! For the first time I actually asked "Why?". I felt horrible about it as we drove to visit the family on Sunday but I couldn't shake the feeling that passing everything off as "God's Timing" and "God's Will" would make things better. I understand that he wont come back, and I know I'm not going to get an answer. I also know that this may bring something beautiful to the world just as Vayden's loss brought My Very Own Angel.

It just breaks my heart every time I think about it and it opened up a new door for my journey through grief and healing, because on that day I really realized that there is a difference in each case of loss. There we sat with a family that also lost their 2nd son, we were supposed to know their pain, but Van and I both were without words. We knew that although we had something in common we lacked the unfortunate experience they went through. Our son died peacefully in our arms, and their son did not.

I now see that I'm great to support a family that is faced with carrying to term or early infant loss, but I'm still uneasy with using the phrase "God's Timing" in other cases of loss that involve children and tragic events.

God please hold on tight to this family as they walk this journey through loss, grief and healing.

I Will Never Be Her

Today I went to a baby shower for a friend, and although I'm just a few months behind her in my pregnancy I will never be her. I'm glad that Vayden's baby brother is 100% healthy and I do have high hopes for this pregnancy, it's delivery and him...but worry does present itself every now and then. I will never be that new mother so excited and worry free.

I met another mother who told me that 4 weeks before her only daughter was to be born after having two boys her husband got the old snip snip. 4 weeks BEFORE the baby was here, all I could think is how brave they were to take such a permanent step before the baby was born. With all that I know now I'm pretty much against surgical birth control and I'll never be her either.

I always love the woman that buys the bedding and all the clothes, removes the tags and tosses the receipts before the baby is born.........Sure I have clothes and I know what bed set I want, but because I will never be her, I've been procrastinating buying it.

I Will Never Be Her

An Honor to Vayden and a Wonderful Non Profit

In late July, a local news station contacted me requesting I do a story about Vayden and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I LOVE the organization and everything they do and I was ready to help them in their quest to spread the word about infant loss and support the cause to give families lasting memories during such a tragic time.




The news segment aired today and they did a wonderful job and I am very pleased. I'm so happy that Vayden's memory lives on even 1 year later. Thank you to the staff at FOX News 25 and above all thank you to all the volunteers of NILMDTS.




(You can view the news segment by clicking the photo of Van, myself and Vayden or the hyperlink above that says FOX News 25 )

Vayden wants to share some news.

Our angel has been looking after us, he put a special request in to God and we are blessed to know that this baby has been blessed and touched by an angel. Vayden is going to have a little brother. To Grow Up a Stewart I got rid of the blog I was keeping for our rainbow baby and decided to make a general family blog which I would include updates on our current pregnancy as well as Vashon and just our family.

Vayden's blog is not going anywhere, if you only want to know about our pregnancy just click the pregnancy labels and that will take you to all the pregnancy post. Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.