Walking With You ~ Every Angel Counts~

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking with You please visit Kelly's blog.

This week, Kelly is sharing some commonly asked questions and answers about grieving the loss of a child. The rest of us may blog about a similar topic or share what is on our hearts this week.

This week my heart has been dealing with the way people consider loss. As many of you know I am not at all shy to tell someone I Have My Very Own Angel, I find that many peoples initial thought is “oh she had a miscarriage that is so sad” as I talk more about Vayden they are lead to ask more questions about his passing. When they find out I carried to term, met held my live child and then said goodbye, their eyes begin to tear up, they no longer have anything to say because I’m sorry in their hearts is just not enough. It upsets me that people can think of loss so shallow, like you only deserve credit if it was a late term loss. Like the story is only heartbreaking if your child was once alive in your arms, does it matter?? When a woman suffers a loss of a child at any age she grieves, she hurts the same and some women that suffer miscarriage or still birth feel cheated which is a harder more haunting feeling. Why don’t they deserve the tears and the hugs that I get? Why don’t people recognize that loss as a true heartbreaking loss? Why do they have to pay for a funeral but get no birth certificate?

I think every angel counts and every loss has a story behind it. Don’t discredit a woman’s grief because she lost her pregnancy at 8 weeks, she could have been trying for 4 yrs and those 8 weeks were something she was blessed to have.

Every Angel Counts

I'm at WAR with the devil

In the bible in the story of Job, God and the devil challenged Job's faithfulness to the the Lord. The devil questioned Job's faith fullness in negative times, because Job's life was in a pretty good place. Many casual Christians praise God when the sun is shinning but can give him less praise or turn against him when the rain comes in. I am becoming the modern day story of Job as my faith fullness is being tested time and time again. In the matter of months my life has been turned upside down and all that was well is not anymore. Before we found out about Vayden things were perfect, no debt, happily married, I understood my child, I had a lot to praise God for and I did. Then the awful day came when we found out about the LUTO and it was like ok, there are worst things in the world, I still gave my praises to God, then the day came that we found out that his condition was now fatal. As I felt my baby moving inside of me, I knew that his condition was fatal, but didn't feel like he was taken from me, so there were still reasons to give praise. Then my angel was born and left us almost 4 hrs after birth, this was the moment that the devil was waiting for, he wanted me to curse God for taking my son, and not making him a medical miracle. Instead I gave praise, I praised God for the 3 hrs and 45 min I was able to spend with my son, and I felt that was a miracle, considering how fatal his condition. That pissed the devil off, and I thought he would leave me alone, but he was waiting to see me days, weeks, months after Vayden's death, he assumed that at some point I would turn my back on the Lord and realize that 3 hrs and 45 min is nothing. He even showed me another LUTO baby be born and live, he wanted so badly for me to question myself, and my God. I didn't, I was pleased to see lil Tino survive and I praised God for listening to my prayers as I had been praying for him. That again upset the devil, and then I created My Very Own Angel and tried to provide positive hope to women who suffer a loss, while constantly giving God all the glory for and all the praise, oh yea that pissed him off real bad.

The devil has formed attack against my marriage now. He has turned my spouse against me, he has created a horrible tension in my home and my husband is deploying in two weeks. I am announcing now as I've announced to God and the devil, and let everyone be a witness to this. I WILL NOT STOP LOVING GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Everything and everyone that I love can be taken away from me and I will mourn each, but I will get over it, I will move on, and I WILL continue to always praise God, for he will continue to bless me.

I AM A WOMEN WHO CARRIED TO TERM, LOST HER BABY, AND CAN STILL GET OUT OF BED EVERY DAY, SO PLEASE DON'T MESS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walking With You - Sibling Grief/ The Next Pregnancy

This week, at Sufficient Grace we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy.

Vashon was only 26 months old when Vayden passed, he has what I like to call "only child syndrome" so even before we were pregnant Vashon didn't like anyone or anything (the dog) being loved by mommy or daddy. Vashon didn't want to be around Vayden at the the hospital, I'm not sure if he knew he was not alive, or he just didn't want to be at the hospital, but we did get some photos with him and his brother.When we came home from the hospital Vashon knew that we were sad he just didn't really know why. I would often tell him that mommy misses baby brother, it is so cute how a 2 yr old is able to know that all I needed was a hug. Because Vashon was so young and not able to do much for himself, it pushed my husband and I to quickly find our New Normal. We both agreed that although it was fine to show emotion around Vashon, he should not pay the price for something he can not understand. Vashon is that step that keeps getting added on the ladder, when you think you've reached the top one more step appears. He kept us going, he kept us smiling and we always and still see a little of Vayden in him.

As far as the next pregnancy is concerned, I feel like I am the only one who is not jumping on the wagon of TTC. I'm not afraid of another case of LUTO, I'm afraid of having another 2 yr old. I have however made the decision that I would not go on any type of birth control, yet not actively TTC. I long for another baby, yet I'm in the a very traumatizing age with Vashon and I'm not sure I can do it again. I'm leaving this in God's hands, I believe that he will bless us with another baby, and I believe that the timing will be perfect. However if we are not supposed to have another child under God's plan, I will forever be a mother of two.

My Very Own Angel

Most of my followers already know that I’ve been working hard at giving back since Vayden’s death. It was weeks after his passing I had a strong urge to give back, to help others, to spread the word, and to encourage women to be proud of their angels. The community of bereaved parents is family of parents who in most cases are only brought together by the loss of a child. The beauty behind the pain of carrying to term is rarely spoken about there are wonderful support groups and support resources out there for these families. The more resources that are out there, will lead to more people acknowledging, fatal fetal diagnosis, carrying to term, and pregnancy and infant loss. There are real families, who suffer real loss (es) and need real support.

I created My Very Own Angel, along with my mother to offer support for women carrying to term, and encourage everyone to remember that there is no time limit on grief, there is no specific point where you stop talking about that precious angel you loss, you are never supposed to get over it, never forget and always be proud to say “I Have My Very Own Angel”

We acknowledge every angel that has left this earth too soon. Below is a photo of me PROUDLY announcing to the world “I Have My Very Own Angel” with an official MVOA T-Shirt.



Take some time and check out the site if you haven’t, and if you have your very own angel, don’t forget to follow MVOA on blog spot My Very Own Angel Blog, we will be hosting special blog giveaways for families of angels and navigating through grief in a positive yet real way.

* I will still update this blog and as I go through my own personal experiences with loss, I will be updating this one, so don’t leave me.

God bless

Walking With You - Impact our loss had on our marriage

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing the impact our loss(es) had on our marriage.;

My marriage was tested before our loss even occurred. After finding out about Vayden’s fatal condition Van and I both started grieving our son that was still alive. I spent countless hours online researching and understanding LUTO/ PUV, I was over educated on his condition and Van under educated. We didn’t communicate much during the time of me carrying to term, conversations here and there would be exchanged but for the most part if it wasn’t about Vashon our older son, we weren’t talking. I was so angry with him, but couldn’t tell him because I knew it would start a fight. An argument was the last thing I needed while I was having weekly amnio infusions, so I created a blog and found mothers who suffered loss, and women carrying to term just like me. I leaned on these women for all the support I needed, I cried all my tears to them, I shared all my fears with them, and with them I expressed my anger and disappointment with my husband. I stated a thousand times, that Van was a jerk, he walked around with a nonchalant attitude to the whole thing while my knees where read and sore from praying daily, or at least that is what appeared to me. I knew that he loved me and Vayden, I just didn’t know how someone that loves you could treat you so cold, and as a pregnant woman I thought I was supposed to get extra special treatment.
At 33 weeks I came to the understanding that Van is who he is and that I can’t make him sit and tell me about his feelings, while he listens to mine. I realized that I was not going to regret anything because I educated myself about Vayden’s condition, I contacted the wonderful resources available and I made sure that I wasn’t going to just go into labor and delivery, have a baby, watch it die and then go home. But before I accepted all of that, I prayed for Van and forgave him for his cold personality and asked God to hold him tightly when the time came for Vayden to be born because being so unprepared can be damaging. I set us up for marriage counseling even before Vayden was born, because I was sure we would need it.
Vayden was born only a few hours after Van came home from a 23 day TDY. I didn’t have a chance to just say what I had been holding in for 17 weeks, he didn’t even have a chance to apologize to me. When Vayden was born Van hit the floor, he was overwhelmed with love and sadness, and then it hit him. It was so hard to see my husband that mean cold man, so sad and so hurt watching his son, fight for his life, just to give us time with him, just so that his daddy could finally spend time with him and sing to him and touch him, like I had done my entire pregnancy, things I wanted Van to do while I was carrying. I let Van bathe him, and dress him alive; I knew that he was going to have regrets I wanted him to get as much as he could in while we had the time. Later Van thanked me for carrying to term and admitted that he thought often if I was making the wrong choice by carrying to term. When I created my website www.myveryownangel.org I asked Van to please submit a statement for the father’s page. This is what he wrote
" Why? When I was informed that Vayden had LUTO, I asked myself "why" over and over again. I blamed myself sometimes, thinking it was something I did. I thought the RADAR system that I worked on might have been the cause. I secretly blamed Stephanie, my wife, sometimes. I thought that maybe it was something she was eating or drinking. I had these thoughts for the majority of the pregnancy. I never shared my feelings or thoughts with my wife. I thought that I had to hide my feelings and stay strong for the family. I didn't really talk to anyone about our situation. I informed a few people at work, but didn't give too many details. I didn't want people thinking I couldn't do my job because of my family issues. Steph and I agreed to meet with the base chaplain. I still didn't talk much about my feelings or thoughts, but it helped me bring my shield down a little. Talking to the chaplain did help me realize that Vayden's condition wasn't anyone's fault. Not mine and surely not my wife's. God made his decision that he needed another Angel, and he chose Vayden to fill that slot.

My advice to the fathers, who might be faced with a similar situation as our family, is talk. Talk to you friends, family, or chaplain. But surely talk to your wife or girlfriend. Don't be afraid to show your feelings. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you really care. Losing or knowing that you are going to lose a child is a tremendous amount of stress. Talking to someone and sharing your feelings with someone helps a lot to relive that stress. The only regret that I have for our situation is that I didn't do this for my wife."

*Van S. Stewart Jr. (Father to Vayden, LUTO/PUV angel)

It brought tears to my eyes and a huge weight was lifted off my heart, because I never got the true apology and reason why that I felt I deserved. Now with Vayden gone, we have regular checks on each other and at time misunderstand each other’s grief, but we both understand that we are on different pages of the book of losing a child. I find total comfort in looking at every single one of Vayden’s photos and slide show, where Van stops looking at the photos of him once he’s passed. But Vayden’s loss had all in all brought us together closer as a couple and a family. We take walks 2-3 time a week and we talk more, if I need to talk about Vayden he listens for as long as he can, and I respect him knowing he’s not much of a talker anyway by not looking for his shoulder every time I need to cry. We attend church on a regular basis again as a family, right now we are in a happy place. The support, love and respect that Van showed me after Vayden’s death made me fall right back in love with him, I guess after such a difficult pregnancy I realized the man I married really did have a full heart that loved me.

Because I Trust in God

The 23rd marked another heavenly month that Vayden has been gone. To think 8 weeks have already come and gone is unreal. I often think about him, but forget small details, like if I held him on the right or the left side, so I return to his photo album and smile while I click from frame to frame. He truly was a beautiful baby. Just a few weeks ago I was able to hold a beautiful 5 week baby boy, while I watched my mother in law holding him 1st I wondered if it would be strange to ask to hold him, but my hands were tingling to hold that baby so I went to his mother and asked if she’d mind if I held him next. I cuddle that baby until Vashon (my older) became jealous and was coming towards me with his arms up begging me to pick him up. Since I didn’t know the mother of the baby boy she obviously started the small talk questions but instead of asking how many children I had, she asked if we planned on having any more other than Vashon. The door was open to say just “yes” or give a little more detail, and of course I gave a little more detail as I replied “we have an angel in heaven, who is Vashon’s younger brother, but yes we plan to have another one, God willing” I believe she may have thought that I suffered an early miscarriage, but when I mentioned that Vayden lived for 3 hrs and 45 min she asked if I could tell her what happen. When I told her our story in brief her heart sank as tears began to pour from her eyes. I begged her to please stop crying, there was nothing to cry about as I showed her a huge smile on my face, I then said “he was perfect do you want to see a photo of him?” she replied yes and when she saw the pics of him she began to smile again, she could see how much we love him. I made a new friend that day, I taught someone something new about fatal fetal conditions and carrying to term.

I have many people tell me how strong I am and how well I’m coping with the loss of Vayden, however I’ve had a numbered amount of people consider me to be in a stage of denial or unrealistic mind set. I am 150% clear minded at this point, my baby is in Heaven and has been since 5/23/09, I do not think I’m still pregnant (ask the beer I drank last night, lol) I do not think, believe or hope that one day I will wake up and be back in Jan 2009, and find out I’m having a healthy baby boy that doesn’t suffer from LUTO. I was for a minute starting to wonder if something was wrong with me, so I contacted my dear friend Holly http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/ to find out if something was wrong with me, and she feels the same way I do. We both find happiness in the memory’s of our angels and to be angry, depressed, or bitter will do us and our families no good. We both trust in God and lean on his word. Holly is an amazing mama, and her blog is a must read so take some time and check it out.

I do still cry, just not often, I look at Vayden’s photos every day and wear special jewelry daily that has his name on it. I know he is my angel and I’m still as proud of him as I was the day he was born and died. The only thing I wish is that when we went to view his body that last time at the funeral home, I would have put him in my purse and took him home to place in my own cooler, which I know is totally not allowed. I knew then that he was gone, but to be honest he was so beautiful I could have kept him just like that. We picked up Vayden’s ashes about 2 weeks ago and it was not as hard as I anticipated it to be, I took the brave move of opening the box they were in to look at them and I was surprised to find that the remains were not more than a handful in amount. Now I’m having second thoughts about spreading them, neither Van or I have an issue with them being in the house, so the plan is when we’re ready we’ll do it.

Just Missing My Baby

Vayden is almost 2 heavenly months old and for about 4 days last week I hit the bottom of the mountain. Those 4 days I lost my joy, my will to fight, and my strength. In those 4 days I became so worn out, so tired, and so disconnected I felt that I lost all my energy when I lost Vayden. Could it have been the deaths of so many famous and regular people in the world? It seemed like in one week alone, 5 or 6 people spontaneously died. I found myself praying 3-4 times a day for God to please get me through this and just as his word says, I was lead to the light and began to climb back up the mountain. This was the first time I experienced grief as it's said to come, in waves. I trusted in the Lord and continued to pray and I was navigated out of that dark place, I hurt for those who have not found comfort in God and live in that dark room for longer than a week, it was a horrible and scary feeling that I assume will come back as Satan will try so hard to use me for his own negative reasons. I will not fall into his temptation, because God's love is always on my side if I continue to accept it.

Kelly Gerken from Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries http://www.sufficientgrace.net/ sent me the Dreams Of You Memory Basket included in that care package was the comfort bear. I was so blessed to receive this package the same day I went into labor, and used the comfort bear to sleep with the 2ND night at the hospital after having Vayden. I needed to make sure that I would be able to get some type of sleep at night without holding onto my baby. I rubbed the comfort bear down with Vayden's special lotion and went to sleep. That bear stays either in or near my bed every night, late last night Van couldn't sleep so he went downstairs to watch TV, the surround sound woke Vashon up and I was in no mood to explain to him why he couldn't have juice or watch boos coos (blue's clues) so I just brought him into bed with me and my comfort bear. I woke up at 10:30am and remembered that I needed to go feed a friends dog, so I got up and ran the quick errand around the corner. Van stayed down stairs making pancakes for breakfast, when I got back I went upstairs to attend church via television, since we woke up so late, and there I found Vashon sleeping like this with his what we called "his cuddle brother".




Despite what you think I really did not place him or the bear like that and when I left the house Vashon was sleep on his tummy. I thought it was so cute and it made me really sit and think of Vayden. I miss him so much, on a brighter side it's been 25 years and I've never met Michael Jackson, but my son Vayden James Stewart is up there moon crawling with the King Of Pop. OK maybe he's not crawling yet but you never know, Vayden was a very special baby boy.