Saturday, July 25, 2009

Because I Trust in God

The 23rd marked another heavenly month that Vayden has been gone. To think 8 weeks have already come and gone is unreal. I often think about him, but forget small details, like if I held him on the right or the left side, so I return to his photo album and smile while I click from frame to frame. He truly was a beautiful baby. Just a few weeks ago I was able to hold a beautiful 5 week baby boy, while I watched my mother in law holding him 1st I wondered if it would be strange to ask to hold him, but my hands were tingling to hold that baby so I went to his mother and asked if she’d mind if I held him next. I cuddle that baby until Vashon (my older) became jealous and was coming towards me with his arms up begging me to pick him up. Since I didn’t know the mother of the baby boy she obviously started the small talk questions but instead of asking how many children I had, she asked if we planned on having any more other than Vashon. The door was open to say just “yes” or give a little more detail, and of course I gave a little more detail as I replied “we have an angel in heaven, who is Vashon’s younger brother, but yes we plan to have another one, God willing” I believe she may have thought that I suffered an early miscarriage, but when I mentioned that Vayden lived for 3 hrs and 45 min she asked if I could tell her what happen. When I told her our story in brief her heart sank as tears began to pour from her eyes. I begged her to please stop crying, there was nothing to cry about as I showed her a huge smile on my face, I then said “he was perfect do you want to see a photo of him?” she replied yes and when she saw the pics of him she began to smile again, she could see how much we love him. I made a new friend that day, I taught someone something new about fatal fetal conditions and carrying to term.

I have many people tell me how strong I am and how well I’m coping with the loss of Vayden, however I’ve had a numbered amount of people consider me to be in a stage of denial or unrealistic mind set. I am 150% clear minded at this point, my baby is in Heaven and has been since 5/23/09, I do not think I’m still pregnant (ask the beer I drank last night, lol) I do not think, believe or hope that one day I will wake up and be back in Jan 2009, and find out I’m having a healthy baby boy that doesn’t suffer from LUTO. I was for a minute starting to wonder if something was wrong with me, so I contacted my dear friend Holly to find out if something was wrong with me, and she feels the same way I do. We both find happiness in the memory’s of our angels and to be angry, depressed, or bitter will do us and our families no good. We both trust in God and lean on his word. Holly is an amazing mama, and her blog is a must read so take some time and check it out.

I do still cry, just not often, I look at Vayden’s photos every day and wear special jewelry daily that has his name on it. I know he is my angel and I’m still as proud of him as I was the day he was born and died. The only thing I wish is that when we went to view his body that last time at the funeral home, I would have put him in my purse and took him home to place in my own cooler, which I know is totally not allowed. I knew then that he was gone, but to be honest he was so beautiful I could have kept him just like that. We picked up Vayden’s ashes about 2 weeks ago and it was not as hard as I anticipated it to be, I took the brave move of opening the box they were in to look at them and I was surprised to find that the remains were not more than a handful in amount. Now I’m having second thoughts about spreading them, neither Van or I have an issue with them being in the house, so the plan is when we’re ready we’ll do it.


  1. I'm so glad you met Holly. She is a amazing mommy. I'm also glad you can find happiness in his memory. It's also good that you trust in the Lord & lean on him cause he is there for you always. Take your time & when you are ready than you can do what you want w/his ashes. I bet your little Vayden is lookin down from Heaven & smilin at what a strong Mommy you are. HUGS & Prayers

  2. I hate that you had to go through losing Vayden but I have to say that I am so relieved to have found another mommy who feels the same as me. It can honestly get pretty depressing reading such sad blogs over and over. I do my best to give my support other mommies. For some people it is hard to believe that you aren't overcome with grief or angry from losing a child. We have grief too but it's just a little different and that's ok!! It doesn't mean we don't miss them! I will never be sorry for feeling the way I do.

    You know, if I could've taken Carleigh home I probably would've! Being able to hold her body just made me feel closer to her. I'm sure you'll decide some day what you'd like to do with Vayden's ashes. In the meantime though, they can just be near you. I've heard of some people wanting them buried with them when they pass away.

  3. bless your is normal honey to cry it helps to cry...I found out Jan 10,2008 Emily was not compatible with life I cried every day intil she was born which was May, 3 2008 and it continued for along time after.I still cry and it's been over year. We have the right to tears..we were appointed this postion to be mother's of angels.God choose "Us" (that have heavenly babies) because He knew we mother's have a love for our child that many other's can't understand. Not saying that other's don't love their children I'm just saying God saw something differnt in "Us" mother's.

  4. Hooray for new friends!
    They make so much difference during the grieving/healing process.

    I can't believe it's been two months already. :(

    Big hugs to you.

  5. Just thought I would let you know you have a award on my blog.