Sunday, July 12, 2009

Just Missing My Baby

Vayden is almost 2 heavenly months old and for about 4 days last week I hit the bottom of the mountain. Those 4 days I lost my joy, my will to fight, and my strength. In those 4 days I became so worn out, so tired, and so disconnected I felt that I lost all my energy when I lost Vayden. Could it have been the deaths of so many famous and regular people in the world? It seemed like in one week alone, 5 or 6 people spontaneously died. I found myself praying 3-4 times a day for God to please get me through this and just as his word says, I was lead to the light and began to climb back up the mountain. This was the first time I experienced grief as it's said to come, in waves. I trusted in the Lord and continued to pray and I was navigated out of that dark place, I hurt for those who have not found comfort in God and live in that dark room for longer than a week, it was a horrible and scary feeling that I assume will come back as Satan will try so hard to use me for his own negative reasons. I will not fall into his temptation, because God's love is always on my side if I continue to accept it.

Kelly Gerken from Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries sent me the Dreams Of You Memory Basket included in that care package was the comfort bear. I was so blessed to receive this package the same day I went into labor, and used the comfort bear to sleep with the 2ND night at the hospital after having Vayden. I needed to make sure that I would be able to get some type of sleep at night without holding onto my baby. I rubbed the comfort bear down with Vayden's special lotion and went to sleep. That bear stays either in or near my bed every night, late last night Van couldn't sleep so he went downstairs to watch TV, the surround sound woke Vashon up and I was in no mood to explain to him why he couldn't have juice or watch boos coos (blue's clues) so I just brought him into bed with me and my comfort bear. I woke up at 10:30am and remembered that I needed to go feed a friends dog, so I got up and ran the quick errand around the corner. Van stayed down stairs making pancakes for breakfast, when I got back I went upstairs to attend church via television, since we woke up so late, and there I found Vashon sleeping like this with his what we called "his cuddle brother".

Despite what you think I really did not place him or the bear like that and when I left the house Vashon was sleep on his tummy. I thought it was so cute and it made me really sit and think of Vayden. I miss him so much, on a brighter side it's been 25 years and I've never met Michael Jackson, but my son Vayden James Stewart is up there moon crawling with the King Of Pop. OK maybe he's not crawling yet but you never know, Vayden was a very special baby boy.


  1. Oh, Stephanee...I love the picture of Vashon with your Comfort Bear (or cuddle brother - that is so sweet). I was so grateful that you sent us a picture of Vayden with the bear. If you don't mind, I'd love to share it with the ladies who make the bears. It would really bless them. This post so tugged at my heart. I can feel your grief through your words. Those waves can be so strong...they can knock us right over! Thank you so much for sharing this heart-wrenching and precious post...

    If you don't mind, I may even mention this post on my blog.

    Praying God's continued comfort as He carries all of you...


  2. I pray you have many more 'good' days than 'bad' ones. You can't avoid the 'bad' ones but just lean on God during those times and you are doing a wonderful job at doing so. Those comfort bears are so snuggable.

  3. Praying for you! I love this pictures is so peaceful

  4. Thinking of you.
    That picture is beyond precious.


  5. Praying for you so much. Hoping there will be less bad days. Just remember that God is with you always. Those pictures are beautiful too. I wish I could give you a HUG :)

  6. I think of you often and you are continuosly in my prayers. I can only imagine your grief and I am always amazed by your strength. We have a awesome God who will lift us when we need it. The picture of your son w/ the "cuddle brother" is adorable. I still plan on calling you. I may stay home one of these days this week to do some much needed house cleaning so I will try you then. Stay strong and give Vashon lots of hugs.

  7. Stephanie, I just saw you link on NILMDTS. I am so sorry for your loss. Our son Jody Michael was born April 10, 2009 and lived for an hour. He passed due to complications from ARPKD. He had two non-functioning kidneys. He was beautiful Just as your Vayden. We just passed 3 months. Very very hard. My prayers are with you.


  8. Precious pic...

    My prayers are with you...


  9. Such sweet pictures. Your precious Vashon is an amazing little boy...his heart will always know how loved he and Vayden are. You are teaching him how valuable life is!

    I think of you so often and am praying for grace and comfort for you. Sending much love,

  10. Hey Girlie, you are an amazing women so full of strength with a great balance and I am so very proud of you. The bad days just make the good days all the better, and there is so much prayer out there, you can't help but get back into the light. I miss Vayden so much, I had my first opportunity to be close to a baby at the dentist last week, it was a little hard, I couldn't look at him for long. I know I'll have to get over this and holding a baby someday, i'm sure will help me. My grandson with his "cuddle brother" I love that, is adorable. Little ones watch even when we don't think they do, he knows how special that cuddle bear is to you and it makes it special to him too. Kiss my baby, give Van a hug, Love you much.

  11. Praying for you on this 2 month anniversary. We had our 2 months on Tuesday, and it was a tough day. For me, too, it seemed like I've been under attack from Satan this past week.