This week, at Sufficient Grace we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy.
Vashon was only 26 months old when Vayden passed, he has what I like to call "only child syndrome" so even before we were pregnant Vashon didn't like anyone or anything (the dog) being loved by mommy or daddy. Vashon didn't want to be around Vayden at the the hospital, I'm not sure if he knew he was not alive, or he just didn't want to be at the hospital, but we did get some photos with him and his brother.When we came home from the hospital Vashon knew that we were sad he just didn't really know why. I would often tell him that mommy misses baby brother, it is so cute how a 2 yr old is able to know that all I needed was a hug. Because Vashon was so young and not able to do much for himself, it pushed my husband and I to quickly find our New Normal. We both agreed that although it was fine to show emotion around Vashon, he should not pay the price for something he can not understand. Vashon is that step that keeps getting added on the ladder, when you think you've reached the top one more step appears. He kept us going, he kept us smiling and we always and still see a little of Vayden in him.
As far as the next pregnancy is concerned, I feel like I am the only one who is not jumping on the wagon of TTC. I'm not afraid of another case of LUTO, I'm afraid of having another 2 yr old. I have however made the decision that I would not go on any type of birth control, yet not actively TTC. I long for another baby, yet I'm in the a very traumatizing age with Vashon and I'm not sure I can do it again. I'm leaving this in God's hands, I believe that he will bless us with another baby, and I believe that the timing will be perfect. However if we are not supposed to have another child under God's plan, I will forever be a mother of two.
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I could have wrote this post word for word. We lost our baby boy in May, he was born sleeping. We have a 2 year old son that didn't quite understand what was happening and he had the same reaction in the hospital as Vashon did. We weren't sure if he understood what was happening or not. He definitely could tell that mommy and daddy were sad about something because he also became very emotional for about a week after.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading and following your blog for a few weeks now. You're a very strong woman and only God will know what the future holds.
Shelly
You know one of my favorite posts is of Vashon with his cuddle brother. I think children understand and process the loss of their sibling in their own way. What you said about the traumatizing two's made me smile. I was going to say that this phase passes (and it does!)...but eventually they are teenagers...and I'm not sure that's any easier! =) But there are many blessings along the way. Praying for God's gudiance and blessing in whatever you decide...
ReplyDeleteYou have done such a great job with Vashon!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear ya on the two year old. William was just the sweetest little kid when we got pregnant with Matthew. He was 21 months and just a doll. Then he turned 2.5 and it all hit the ceiling, spun around the ceiling fan and slid down the walls. You know what "it" is! Now he is three and a half and getting much better again. It does pass. Just "plan" on another year. ;)
I found you through Kelly's blog and I must say your photos of you and Vayden are breathtaking! It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job telling Vashon about his brother...I am sure the older he gets, the more questions he will have. And I wish you the best with your "decision" on more kids.
ReplyDelete(HUGS) and blessings - danielle
I feel the same way about my boys. They just keep you "going," and you try to keep going for them. I just LOVE that picture of you pregnant in the white. It is stunning and beautiful!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jenny
Kyndra has definitely kept me going and busy. Focusing on her has kept me from focusing on what I have lost and dwelling on it. If it is in God's plan for you to have another then it will happen! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI do not know you, however I went to college with Holly [Kyndra and Carleigh's mom]...and I have been following your blog for awhile. I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you, and your family. I have never lost a child, but I am a military wife also and my husband just returned from a yearlong deployment in Iraq.
ReplyDeleteKeep praying, so many people are. You and your husband will pull through...your beautiful son Vashon will get past age 2 [i have a 3 year old son, so i can say that with certainty lol], and Vayden will always, ALWAYS be with you.
Know that your family, and your son, has touched people's lives he never even knew.
Take care,
Holli J. from Indiana
hiya i've been reading you post. everything you wrote could of came out of my mouth, my oldest son was 25month when i gave birth to charlie in april 2010. Charlie had LUTO aswell and never made it, he was stillborn. I would also like to say thank you for writing about your family, it helps when you hear about others who have gone through the samething and still going strong. GOD BLESS X
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