Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My 1st pUbLiC eMoTiOnAl BrEaKdOwN

Today I had a Dr. appointment because I have high blood pressure. I needed my prescription to be refilled and I thought I would be in and out. Key word: I THOUGHT, I ended up finding out that my previous blood work showed possible kidney problems and that my primary care manager wants to send me to see a kidney specialist. I also had to have more blood work and have my medication changed to something that will help my blood pressure if I do in fact have kidney issues. The Dr. is talking and saying all these terms that I remember hearing or reading about through my journey with Vayden. All while my eyes are filling with tears as the Dr. who didn't know about Vayden puts her hand on my knee and says "this is precaution since you're so young and because of your family history" (talking about my mom and dad both having blood pressure issues). I guess I didn't hear that all the way and I let my tears go, she couldn't understand why I was so emotional, I said "it was me wasn't it? Vayden's condition was my fault my kidneys are bad no wonder his would be also". She still did not understand what I was talking about so I told her about Vayden, her eyes began to water she kept saying, "no, did they say his condition was genetic?" I said "no, but now you're telling me this, about my own health" she told me she needed to go get something from her office and that she would be right back. I stayed crying knowing in the back of my mind that Vayden's condition was a fluke and that the only reason his kidneys failed was because he couldn't get his urine out. Still my not so good news about my own health flooded my reasonable thinking.

The Dr. came in with a few sheets of paper some about LUTO, she gave me a pep talk, hit me with some hard facts and assured me that I did nothing wrong. We talked for a little while after I calmed down, I showed her Vayden's pictures and told her about MVOA, I left that appointment with a smile on my face I don't know why I broke down like I did but that is how grief is, comes out of no where kicks you down and tries to hold you there. I'm happy that I took my moment but got back up, I don't know what is the issues with my personal health and at the moment I'm not going to worry hard about it. One thing I learned with Vayden is "leave it in Gods hands"

13 comments:

  1. Hey sunshine! Speaking of someone with a little boy in kidney failure and a mommy in stage 2 kidney disease - it is NOT your fault. Mine was caused by a pair of kidney stones and a MONSTER infection from when I was 19. NINETEEN!!!! You know, back when I was invincible. Now I can't donate to my son, and I will most likely need a transplant at some point in my life as well. But no worries...it's in God's hands just like you said. :) If you need anyone to talk to... I'm pretty well versed in "kidney speak" ;)
    Hugs to you and heaven sent kisses to Vayden for looking after his momma and making her go to the doctor! Atta boy Vayden!

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  2. No it is most definatley not your fault! Dont ever listen to Satan's lies about that! You love(D) Vayden with all your heart! Im glad the rest of the appt went okay. *HUGS*

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  3. Blessings to that doctor for assuring you it is not your fault- I think we all at one time or another wonder if it is our fault.You have been so strong for others.Please take some time for yourself. I pray that your blood pressure is stabilized soon.
    Prayers and blessings, Sarita

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  4. Just wanted to say I'm praying for your health and for your spirit. Hang in there!

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  5. I am so glad you are seeing someone about your health. I am strongwilled about asking questions and finding answers. You did the right thing in talking to the doctor about it. I think Vayden was there with you, holding your hand (and your heart), because you needed to know. For me, I needed something scientific/medical to explain what happened. Questions left unanswered were torture. I needed to know if it was 'me/my body' that caused this or not. I completely understand. And you're right, the way grief is. You are so strong, incredibly strong, for getting back up and holding your head high as you walked out of that office. Of you, I have this immense vision of grace & strength, Stephanie. And it is inspiring.
    xoxox

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  6. This was really touching Steph. It is really hard especially when you are finding out some information about your own health. But I AM SO PROUD OF YOU; for getting back up, and not allowing that moment to keep you down. You are so inspiring. Even though you knew in the back of your mind that it wasn't your fault, you needed that moment. To let it out. BUT you got back up! And that's the key. Love you!!! XOXOXO

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  7. Aw Stephanie, I wish I could give you a BIG hug right now. Sounds like you have a good doctor. I'm glad you left feeling encouraged - it is most definitely NOT your fault. I'll be praying for you - to get everything figured out & for the best possible outcome!

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  8. Oh Stephanie, how hard of a day! I'm sorry that you got the news of a possible kidney condition. I am praying that it is nothing that you will have to worry about. Seeing a kidney specialist is a good idea and if he wants to run any nuclear tests on you just let me know and I can give you the lowdown on them. ;)

    It's so easy to let your mind go to that it was your fault that your baby died. I've been there. I've blamed myself for Carleigh's condition knowing that it was nothing I did. I couldn't have prevented it any further than what I was already doing. I was on plenty of folic acid.

    I am glad that your dr listened to you and gave you information. I would hate to hear you got brushed aside. Grief can take you over just like that and you are helpless to stop it. You are doing wonderful my sweet friend. (((hugs)))

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  9. You have every right to still grieve. You have every right to grieve for the rest of your life. You are so strong. And I'm really sorry about the not so good news. Keep us updated and I will keep you in my prayers! =) *hugs*

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  10. Oh Steph...this post just had me tearing up with you. I'm so sorry...what a hard day. Praying all is well with your health. I am with Holly...it is easy to let our minds go to that place where we start blaming ourselves or wonder what went wrong. I'm so glad that you were given truth to compat those thoughts.

    Love and Prayers,
    Kelly

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  11. Emotion gets you at the worst time sometimes. I am glad that your dr was understanding and got the facts out to reassure you it wasn't your fault! You have spread the word about MVOA to one more person! Sending you lots of hugs!!

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  12. I am so sorry that you had such a rough day. It is okay to break down sometimes. Sending you prayers for peace and comfort.

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