6 Months with Change

6 months ago my life changed, Stephanie Stewart changed. Some people accept change hard while some just roll with the punches. Is change good? I think it is, without change we would never grow, we would fail to learn and we would never be able to look back and think of the good and bad of our past.

I have changed so much since May 23, 2009. I lost the innocence to my way of thinking, I once lived on planet care bear, I used to worry little and laugh a lot. Time meant nothing, because in my life, I always had time. Now I worry, I despise waiting, and the small things like sitting on the phone for hours with an old high school friend or watching TV all day doesn't amuse me. I was so close to giving up on all these social networking sites, yet now I allow countless amounts of people into my most personal tragedies.

6 months ago I learned who I needed in my life; I lost so many people who I care about so much, but I’ve changed and they didn’t change with me. I know that they care about me and my loss, but I cannot constantly fly to Florida to avoid the harsh winters.

To some 6 months ago I became “that one girl whose baby died” to me 6 months ago I became Stephanie PROUD mother of an angel. God became a friend to me and not my enemy, I am blessed and things could be a lot worse. I love so hard now it’s scary, I now know how precious life is, and how everyday is not promised.

I daydream about Vayden more now, today he’s been gone for 6 heavenly months; I also daydream about that wonderful day when I see him again in Heaven. I have never set a goal in my life until now; I used to think goals would take me away from my innocent way of thinking if I didn’t reach my set goal for whatever reason. I now for the 1st time in 25 yrs have a goal that I will fight for, crawl to, reach high, and work hard to get……that goal is to get to Heaven so that I can see my baby again.

Half a year has gone and I miss you just as much as they day after you left.
I thank God for blessing me to be able to carry and give birth to an angel in human form.

Mommy miss you Vayden, and I love that you play with Vashon.

I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don’t forget about it. Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn’t mean I don’t need you to check up on me. I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss. I’m humbled enough to know that Vayden had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn’t take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart. I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Vayden.