Monday, November 23, 2009

6 Months with Change

6 months ago my life changed, Stephanie Stewart changed. Some people accept change hard while some just roll with the punches. Is change good? I think it is, without change we would never grow, we would fail to learn and we would never be able to look back and think of the good and bad of our past.

I have changed so much since May 23, 2009. I lost the innocence to my way of thinking, I once lived on planet care bear, I used to worry little and laugh a lot. Time meant nothing, because in my life, I always had time. Now I worry, I despise waiting, and the small things like sitting on the phone for hours with an old high school friend or watching TV all day doesn't amuse me. I was so close to giving up on all these social networking sites, yet now I allow countless amounts of people into my most personal tragedies.

6 months ago I learned who I needed in my life; I lost so many people who I care about so much, but I’ve changed and they didn’t change with me. I know that they care about me and my loss, but I cannot constantly fly to Florida to avoid the harsh winters.

To some 6 months ago I became “that one girl whose baby died” to me 6 months ago I became Stephanie PROUD mother of an angel. God became a friend to me and not my enemy, I am blessed and things could be a lot worse. I love so hard now it’s scary, I now know how precious life is, and how everyday is not promised.

I daydream about Vayden more now, today he’s been gone for 6 heavenly months; I also daydream about that wonderful day when I see him again in Heaven. I have never set a goal in my life until now; I used to think goals would take me away from my innocent way of thinking if I didn’t reach my set goal for whatever reason. I now for the 1st time in 25 yrs have a goal that I will fight for, crawl to, reach high, and work hard to get……that goal is to get to Heaven so that I can see my baby again.

Half a year has gone and I miss you just as much as they day after you left.
I thank God for blessing me to be able to carry and give birth to an angel in human form.

Mommy miss you Vayden, and I love that you play with Vashon.

I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don’t forget about it. Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn’t mean I don’t need you to check up on me. I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss. I’m humbled enough to know that Vayden had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn’t take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart. I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Vayden.


  1. I have been following your blog since right before you delivered your precious son. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Even though I haven't commented, your family has been in my prayers.

  2. Six months, wow, it always seems like an eternity but also like yesterday. I too through the loss of my son made myself a promise that I had to make to Heaven in any way shape or form just to be with Bryston once again. I just love your perpective on things. Its uplifting. *HUGS*

  3. So beautiful and so true. I had to remind my husband this weekend that just because I go through the everyday motions doesn't mean that I'm "over it" and some people have said to me. I go about the motions of everyday because I HAVE to. Just because I'm working or playing with Kayla doesn't mean that I'm not hurting ~ I'm sure the same goes for you. You've done so much and have such a powerful outlook on life now, and Vayden is for sure so proud of his Mommy! Keep up all that you do - so many look upon you with such admiration. I think of you often~Vayden and Madison are so close in heavanly age. You are always in my prayers!

  4. One of the most profound things I noticed right away after we lost our twin daughters and later our son was that we had changed, drastically and in an instant. We were no longer the same two care free young kids with everything ahead of them. We were different...forever changed. In many ways, God has changed us for good, making beauty from our ashes...and I am so grateful for the gifts He has blessed us with through those changes...but we do still miss our sweet babies, and always will. Remembering sweet Vayden with you today...and continuing to pray that He will comfort and carry you with His grace...

    Much Love,

  5. Stephanie,

    We are walking the same path very closely. Janessa 5.14.09 Vayden 5.23.09. 6 months really hits home. Half a year. Feels so long but also like yesterday. You are a beautiful person & your are grieving healthy. What you have created for angel parents is amazing.

  6. We do change in a instant and become somebody completely new. As much as I hate the "new me" at times, I look back at some of the obstacles I've overcome these last (almost) six months and think, "Gosh, the "old me" would have NEVER been able to deal with that"! You do have to change to get stronger, I just wish the change didn't involve surrendering one of our babies :)

    People have a hard time gripping the idea that we can be thankful our babies are in heaven, but be completely heartbroken that they aren't here... ALL AT THE SAME TIME! You just can't feel one without the other. I'm glad I have people like you who completely get that :)

  7. You are doing AMAZING things with such a hard situation. You have become a much better person I am sure as have I. I just wish it could have been with our babies in our arms. I know your Vayden is so very proud of his mommy! May he continue to bring you lots of love from the heavens.


  8. Happy 6 months in Heaven to Vayden. (sorry I'm a day late here) Life definitely changes. How can it not? You're never the same person you once were. Some of the old you can come back and blend with the new you but the old you will never completely come back. An innocence is shattered that can't be recovered.

    Heaven is definitely sweeter with our babies there. I keep my eyes on it because that is where I want to be, with Carleigh and Jesus.

  9. Belated Happy 6 Months in Heaven to your sweet Vayden. You are an amazing, beautiful Momma. Your in my heart.

  10. Stephanie, you are right about that. You have a lot of people checking up on you but you are right about that. Because those not in our shoes can easily forget what is below the surface, the hole in your heart, the wounds that are not scars, but open, raw wounds. I hurt for you, too, Stephanie. Hang in there. I am right there beside you, missing Vashon, Chase, and all the babies we read about....

  11. My 6 months of missing Olivia just passed as well, as she was born 05.14.09. I just posted something similar too, about grief and joy, that just because I'm smiling doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving. I wait with you for the day when my family will be together again.

  12. These words are so true. Especially that last paragraph. Great post!