Sunday, August 23, 2009

3 Months and I'm Still Sober

And I don't know This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know It's never really over
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Those are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s song Sober (radio version), I heard this song back in 2006 and I loved it but never knew what she was talking about and really couldn’t relate to it. Today I still have no clue what she is talking about but I can relate to almost every word in this song.
Three months already, my how time flies, I just keep thinking I should be taking care of a crazy 2yr old and a 3 month old baby, at times I just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. What is 3 months? In 3 months most people can keep the same hair style, weigh the same, and work at the same job, too many 3 months is nothing but 12 weeks closer to something many have no goal to reach. Could it be a new mate, job or car? We generally view 3 months as nothing but time, except in the life of a new baby. I recall 3 months with Vashon being that fun age; it was just about when his personality started to show. I often wonder how Vashon would have influenced Vayden to ultimately drive me so insane that I would sell them both on craigslist. (joke)
Since Vayden has been gone I’ve been able to do things, I probably wouldn’t be doing had he been here, I know there are thing I surely wouldn’t be doing had he been a PUV survivor, that is a busy life those mommies have and they deserve a lot of credit. Since Vayden has been gone I’ve missed out on things, putting both my boys to bed, watching them sleep day dreaming what they were going to be like when they got older, wondering who would be the cool brother, who would be the strong bother .
Yet in 3 months I’ve been able to tell my story to many, I’ve opened the eyes and hearts of many who heard about infant death, but never really thought it applied to them. In just 3 months I’ve found out who I really am. A wife, a Christian, a friend, a daughter, and a mother of 2, one a heavenly angel, 3 months ago today I gave birth to my 2nd son and gained an angel almost 4 hrs later.
3 months ago my life changed, 3 months and I’m still sober……. picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

12 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. What more can I say?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your words are beautiful. I have always loved that song as well. Thinking of you today.

    Carla

    ReplyDelete
  3. Three months. I often think about how many times a baby changes in just three short months... They learn to smile, to roll over, they start sleeping through the night.

    You have written a beautiful post. Thanks for reminding me to get rid of the weeds that try to smother my good memories with Wyatt.

    Praying for you especially hard, on a day that marks an anniversary of what should be a happy milestone for your sweet baby boy :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are such an incredibly inspiring person. I am so blessed to have you as a friend. I hope I get to see your beautiful face on the California coast very, very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sending you love....well done.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow what a AWESOME post & I have been thinking of you today. Prayers & HUGS , to a wonderful Mommy, so glad to call you my friend.
    Caroline

    ReplyDelete
  7. A lot can change in 3 months. A lot can change in just one moment. I haven't heard that song from Kelly but the words are powerful when I think of your loss, my loss, and the losses of all our friends.

    I think of what I should be doing instead of what I often am and the reality of it is just not fair. Empty arms are painful.

    Happy 3 months in Heaven Vayden.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is my first visit to your blog - and I love the slide show you did for Vayden. He is beautiful.

    I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sending you hugs to help get you through.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know where your coming from my friend..(((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  10. Stephanie and Van, this is the most beautiful website! I love the slide show of you and your family. I think of you often and pray for you. I heard ya'll were at the hospital the other day for an interview. If you ever come up there, come looking for me and say "hello." I am in awe of the two of you and blessed to have been a part of your sweet angel's birth and passing. Hugs~ Courtney Smith, your labor nurse!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I just wanted to say that I admire your strength.. and also your passion for life. I am unable to word what I want to because it wouldn't come out how I want. You are a strong woman to be standing on your feet through this. Vayden is a beautiful boy, and I am sure he is shining down on you from heaven.

    ReplyDelete