3 Months and I'm Still Sober

And I don't know This could break my heart or save me

Nothing's real Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving

So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

But I know it's never really over

And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

Three months and I'm still breathing

Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in

but I know It's never really over

Three months and I'm still standing here

Three months and I'm getting better yeah

Three months and I'm still breathing

Three months and I still remember it

Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Those are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s song Sober (radio version), I heard this song back in 2006 and I loved it but never knew what she was talking about and really couldn’t relate to it. Today I still have no clue what she is talking about but I can relate to almost every word in this song.

Three months already, my how time flies, I just keep thinking I should be taking care of a crazy 2yr old and a 3 month old baby, at times I just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. What is 3 months? In 3 months most people can keep the same hair style, weigh the same, and work at the same job, too many 3 months is nothing but 12 weeks closer to something many have no goal to reach. Could it be a new mate, job or car? We generally view 3 months as nothing but time, except in the life of a new baby. I recall 3 months with Vashon being that fun age; it was just about when his personality started to show. I often wonder how Vashon would have influenced Vayden to ultimately drive me so insane that I would sell them both on craigslist. (joke)

Since Vayden has been gone I’ve been able to do things, I probably wouldn’t be doing had he been here, I know there are thing I surely wouldn’t be doing had he been a PUV survivor, that is a busy life those mommies have and they deserve a lot of credit. Since Vayden has been gone I’ve missed out on things, putting both my boys to bed, watching them sleep day dreaming what they were going to be like when they got older, wondering who would be the cool brother, who would be the strong bother .

Yet in 3 months I’ve been able to tell my story to many, I’ve opened the eyes and hearts of many who heard about infant death, but never really thought it applied to them. In just 3 months I’ve found out who I really am. A wife, a Christian, a friend, a daughter, and a mother of 2, one a heavenly angel, 3 months ago today I gave birth to my 2nd son and gained an angel almost 4 hrs later.

3 months ago my life changed, 3 months and I’m still sober……. picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.