When it hits. It hits hard.

I knew it. I was too cool yesterday. Someone who didn't know me, said my sons name attached with "is more than likely to pass shortly after birth." When the perinatalogist would refer to Vayden he would call him "the baby". But now he is no longer "the baby" he's Vayden. I hate bladder obstructions, to hear the term a fluke will always bug me. In my life I thought a fluke would be hitting a million dollar jackpot and only using 2 quarters. That is really not the case.

Do things like this make you think about what you once considered to be unfair in life? Vashon was born with a moderate case of eczema, the worst part was that it was on his face. I recall crying and crying at night over this. Upset and angry wondering why my baby boy had to have this condition, yet we found a cream that actually worked in the flare ups and he grew out of it by age one. As silly as I feel about my passion for fixing his eczema I can relate to the core of my tears and anger. My child was in pain, and I couldn't do anything to fix it. Mothers and Fathers of even adult children know how bad that feeling is, flash backing on my 1 yr battle with eczema makes me even more at peace with our choice to select comfort care for Vayden.

This is all still so un real. It's like no matter how many needles in the belly, how many u/s sounds in different rooms at different offices I still sometimes feel like it's not my son it's their machines. Not that I've been taking it lightly, but I can guess that if I didn't have access to the internet or wasn't computer savvy, I would probably be on planet Care Bear. I'm grateful for the knowledge I searched for every night for months. I can't express the thankfulness I have for the other PUV or LUTO families who have lost. Still sometimes I wish I could be like my dad and not be able to use the FLASH button on the phone correctly. (sorry dad) The truth is, it makes things more simple, sure you don't know too much but you also don't hurt as much. I know this for a fact because my father is sick from something I can not even tell you the name of. The question isn't do I not know? the question is do I want to know? The answer is No. I know the basics and what not but I stay away from the text book side and the statistics, etc. He is my daddy and I love him, what more do I really need to know.
I wonder still sometimes why I didn't take that same pathway with Vayden's condition. I don't regret grabbing all the knowledge I took in and I also don't regret staying away from the text books in terms of my father. Every now and then I think would my days be easier if I didn't know as much as I know.

Well like I said in the post below I was sure this would hit me today and it has.

I'm still praying for you Vayden