Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Testimony

I've always been a believer, but for a long time God sheltered me from the hardships of life and the true downfalls that cause people to question their faith. I was blessed with a wonderful family and tragedy was a word that was rarely used. I was a child who met my great grandparents, I MET my GREAT GRANDPARENTS, most people aren't that blessed. But like many I didn't know how truly blessed I was, like many I took my blessings for granted and like many a relationship with Christ was only necessary when things went wrong. Sure I prayed the same routine daily prayer from my childhood, I knew it so well I could have done it in my sleep.

2009 came and I had high hopes for my future I was pregnant with what I was sure was my baby girl and I had a good life, I imagined myself with my two perfect kids, and being the air force wife that I never wanted to be and then within a moment my life changed. "Your baby has a LOWER URINARY TRACT OBSTRUCTION" is what the Dr. said to me. Words like FATAL, SURGERY, KIDNEYS, FAILED, and DEATH is what I read online. My soon to be daughter was in fact a boy who was fighting a condition that could end his life before it even started.

Of course with my history of faith I began to pray, I prayed every minute of every hour and even now knowing how amazing God is I realize that I was praying for the wrong thing in the wrong way. How dare I spend years putting little or no thought into my prayers and at the sign of trouble my prayers become more detailed and heavy. To me everything was a sign that God was working in our favor, when I found out that the LUTO was not genetic I praised him, but when I went every week to see the progress and to find that his bladder was still enlarged I questioned God.

Intervention went on week by week and finally fetal surgery was an option, and I just knew God had eyes for me, my baby was going to be a miracle God answered my prayers. Fetal surgery failed and once again the praises turned to questions and I couldn't figure out what God was doing. I see now 1 yr later that he was molding me and using Vayden to show me that every baby is a miracle and every day that a woman is blessed to carry a child is a blessing and an answered prayer. So while Vayden was still sick inside me, he was still kicking me to let me know he was there and God has blessed me with another day with him.

The tragic week came in my 5th month of pregnancy when the Dr. phoned me to tell me that Vayden's condition was getting worse and that intervention was going to stop. I questioned God once again, and then questioned my faith for a short moment. Intentionally I took the high road to please those around me, I was a wife and a mother and I had to be strong for my family. But something amazing happened to me one day when God spoke to me and told me that my baby would die, but even in that darkest time God would stand with me. Many times Dr.'s would tell me that my baby would die and every time I refused to hear them, and refused to accept it, but when God spoke those words to me I had peace with his choice, I didn't have understanding, but I did have peace.

I stopped praying for a miracle and started praying for time, minutes, hours, or even days, I just wanted time with my baby. My prayers were granted when sweet Vayden James Stewart was born on May 23,2009 at midnight and stayed with us until 3:45am. 3 hours and 45 min, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world and I knew that God is real.

The dark days began that early morning and God kept his word and stood with me during the rainy days and stormy nights. He worked through me and I was inspired to create My Very Own Angel and bless many other women and families that unfortunately suffer infant loss.

But God wasn't done keeping his promises, and I wasn't done praising him. I read the story of Job daily for inspiration and I looked at myself as a modern day Job, and just as Job did, I was not going to turn my back on God even with the darkest most lonely days coming at me from left and right. I stayed faithful to his word, while others felt the time I had with Vayden was unfair, I praised God for that time.

"God has to prepare you for your promotion" - Pastor Ron McKey

I knew my promotion was coming because life was getting harder and the enemy whispered in my ear daily. I fought his words and continued on my path with Jesus and then I became pregnant again. While I was supposed to be in fear and worry of the life expectancy of my unborn child. I trusted God and before I even knew my official due date, I thanked him for the happy, healthy, whole, beautiful child that he has now blessed me with, that WILL come home with me.

"God Keeps all his promises" - Pastor Ron McKey

2009 was the darkest year for me, and although it was painful, full of tears and sometimes anger, I didn't walk that year alone, God was there with me hurting with me, angry with me and crying with me. I did all of this as preparation for my BIG promotion.

2010 was a wonderful year, with my faith high as a kite I entered into a rainbow pregnancy with little fear or worry, when I would have a dark day I would remind myself that God keeps all his promises and I that I was ready for my promotion. I would even remind God of what he promised me that day he told me that my baby would die. I carried on a pretty uneventful healthy and normal pregnancy and in November I gave birth to a healthy beautiful, whole baby boy, that came home with me.

I will never be able to question if there is a God, because I know there is. I can now honestly say that FAITH is real, because when people ask me how did I make it through a pregnancy after the loss all I say is FAITH.
I call 2010 my testimony year, in that year I learned so much about how good God is.


  1. Typing through my tears , so very true. God is Good.

  2. Hi, I just found your blog through a mutual friend's. Just wanted to drop in and say hi! I look forward to following you.


  3. A beautiful testimony! And a big amen from me too! God is ever faithful!

  4. hi just read your situstion is very similar I lost my wee boy to luto in 9/11/ has completely devastated me ..he lived for 8 hours and 3 minutes ....will I ever get over the dark days?
    how are you coping with things now