Ashes to Ashes

Vayden's ashes have been ready now for a lil over 2 weeks. Van and I seemed to be in a rush to get them, however when we finally got the call we politely just said OK. The plan is to spread the ashes in a large pond at Honor Heights Park in Muskogee, OK. This park is very nice, quiet and every year they put on a fantastic Christmas light show, where they light up the entire park. Van was born and raised in Muskogee and we also visit that park every yr to see the Christmas lights. I figured "what child doesn't love Xmas lights?" and at least he'll be in a place that was home to his father.

I fought long and hard for a cremation, I've only seen infant caskets on pictures but even then before I lost Vayden, they broke my heart. My religion has taught me that the body once dead is just that, a body. Vayden's sweet spirit and the light to him has gone away long ago, still I can't bare to see my sweet baby boy that was lying so perfectly in that basket, in ash form. I don't regret my choice for cremation, at one point I was even at battles with my husband whom stated that he wanted to be cremated. I told him he better hope I die first, but now actually having to face and deal with death, makes you think. We are military and we will be for a while, we will move around from place to place and at the moment have no idea, or have not agreed where we will retire. Neither Van or I have a home family cemetery, the Gibbs, Stewart's and Nolan's just don't die very often, so Vayden's death made everyone, on each side of our families really think. We all had to come together to get through the loss of Vayden and we all had to think of our own mortality. Both my mother and I have now decided that we wish to be cremated and please don't play or sing "his eye is on the sparrow" at the service.

I do plan to purchase a urn locket to keep a few of Vayden's ashes in, but one day I'm sure we will go spread them, when we work up the strength to say goodbye all over again. I don't believe that he's un happy sitting on a shelf in a thick plastic container at the mortuary, again those ashes are just the body. The thought final resting place in my opinion gives a life like need to a heavenly spirit, we the living don't want to rest uncomfortable, we sleep on soft beds with plush pillows, but those entered into Heaven, walk on streets of gold, so basically my bed isn't looking that great compared to what Vayden has. lol. Vayden has been in Heaven for almost a month now laughing, playing and I'm pretty sure he's getting super spoiled up there, so I don't feel bad about not going to spread his ashes yet. We just need a lil more time.

On Friday and Saturday my friends and I held a yard sale on base. A girl I've met a few times but didn't really know was asking prices of the boys clothes, while helping her she asked me "where's the baby, inside the house?" I didn't want to dim the mood, didn't have enough time to share his story, but I did need to honor my son, so with a smile on my face and my eyes so proud, I replied "No, he's in Heaven now". She was taken back by my reply as I was a lil caught off guard from the question. I knew the "how many children do you have?" question would come up over and over again, but I guess I thought everyone that knew I was pregnant knew what happened. Guess I was wrong. She extended her condolences and continued shopping, while I continued to play lets make a deal.

I watch Vayden's slide show or look at his pictures still everyday. I miss him so very much, but I still smile thinking about him, he was perfect and too beautiful for earth.