Monday, June 22, 2009

Ashes to Ashes

Vayden's ashes have been ready now for a lil over 2 weeks. Van and I seemed to be in a rush to get them, however when we finally got the call we politely just said OK. The plan is to spread the ashes in a large pond at Honor Heights Park in Muskogee, OK. This park is very nice, quiet and every year they put on a fantastic Christmas light show, where they light up the entire park. Van was born and raised in Muskogee and we also visit that park every yr to see the Christmas lights. I figured "what child doesn't love Xmas lights?" and at least he'll be in a place that was home to his father.

I fought long and hard for a cremation, I've only seen infant caskets on pictures but even then before I lost Vayden, they broke my heart. My religion has taught me that the body once dead is just that, a body. Vayden's sweet spirit and the light to him has gone away long ago, still I can't bare to see my sweet baby boy that was lying so perfectly in that basket, in ash form. I don't regret my choice for cremation, at one point I was even at battles with my husband whom stated that he wanted to be cremated. I told him he better hope I die first, but now actually having to face and deal with death, makes you think. We are military and we will be for a while, we will move around from place to place and at the moment have no idea, or have not agreed where we will retire. Neither Van or I have a home family cemetery, the Gibbs, Stewart's and Nolan's just don't die very often, so Vayden's death made everyone, on each side of our families really think. We all had to come together to get through the loss of Vayden and we all had to think of our own mortality. Both my mother and I have now decided that we wish to be cremated and please don't play or sing "his eye is on the sparrow" at the service.

I do plan to purchase a urn locket to keep a few of Vayden's ashes in, but one day I'm sure we will go spread them, when we work up the strength to say goodbye all over again. I don't believe that he's un happy sitting on a shelf in a thick plastic container at the mortuary, again those ashes are just the body. The thought final resting place in my opinion gives a life like need to a heavenly spirit, we the living don't want to rest uncomfortable, we sleep on soft beds with plush pillows, but those entered into Heaven, walk on streets of gold, so basically my bed isn't looking that great compared to what Vayden has. lol. Vayden has been in Heaven for almost a month now laughing, playing and I'm pretty sure he's getting super spoiled up there, so I don't feel bad about not going to spread his ashes yet. We just need a lil more time.

On Friday and Saturday my friends and I held a yard sale on base. A girl I've met a few times but didn't really know was asking prices of the boys clothes, while helping her she asked me "where's the baby, inside the house?" I didn't want to dim the mood, didn't have enough time to share his story, but I did need to honor my son, so with a smile on my face and my eyes so proud, I replied "No, he's in Heaven now". She was taken back by my reply as I was a lil caught off guard from the question. I knew the "how many children do you have?" question would come up over and over again, but I guess I thought everyone that knew I was pregnant knew what happened. Guess I was wrong. She extended her condolences and continued shopping, while I continued to play lets make a deal.

I watch Vayden's slide show or look at his pictures still everyday. I miss him so very much, but I still smile thinking about him, he was perfect and too beautiful for earth.


  1. You are a sweet mama...I went to school in Tulsa and go there to visit too! Maybe we will meet in Muskogee someday!

    Praying for your heart today....sweet Vayden is so proud of you.

    Sending love

  2. You're are right, it is just his body. His spirit is in Heaven and that is what matters. So if the ashes sit for awhile it's ok. We chose a burial for Carleigh as we don't ever plan on leaving the area but if we had I would've thought of doing cremation instead. A cremation necklace is a good idea and several of my friends are getting them to put their babies' ashes in.

    I love your answer to the person who asked about Vayden. That's what I say too. :) I actually love it when people ask me and try not to forget her.

    I must say I love your outlook on everything that has happened. God bless you.

  3. You are so strong. Thank you for being such a strength for not only your own family but for me as well. You are a strong and courageous woman who I feel proud to look up too!

  4. I know spreading Vayden's ashes will be hard for you and Van. Like Holly said, it's okay if you wait. I just know Vayden is in heaven playing with my sweet baby and many other friends who left their families too soon. Just think of the reunion we will all have someday. I seriously can't wait. :) Love you girl.

    Carrie LaFollette

  5. Great post ! i have also found such interesting and useful information on how to tell you are pregnant in another blog site. The post provides great tips on various other interesting topics.

  6. Your strength amazes me. Your family continues to be in my thoughts!

  7. I have been following your blog for awhile now and I just wanted to say this was a beautiful post. God Bless.

  8. God bless you. I carried Isaac to term, he suffered from Anencephaly. He died 70 minutes later on April 8, 2009. I carried to term out of love for my child, out of my faith in God, and out of the feeling I was doing the right thing for my own child. I am his mother. I could not choose to end his life while he was happily alive with in me. Thank you for sharing your story. Hang in there, sweet friend.

  9. This is the first time I've been on here and I'm stuck on reading your entire blog. You look absolutely beautiful in your pregnancy shots and your little Vayden is precious. Thank you for sharing your story. Your outlook is amazing and I'm so glad to have come across your blog. Very inspiring.

  10. Your son is beautiful and I'm so sorry you have to be without him. My heart goes out to you. I have a website called Growing Through Affliction that might minister to you at this time. I'll leave my blog link at the bottom and you can click over from there if you're interested.

    Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground

  11. I just came across your blog through Holly's. I am so sorry for your loss. I live in Oklahoma also. I'm about an hour from Muskogee.

  12. Oh, he is so beautiful... I just finished your slide show, and I am in tears and praying for you.

  13. Hey Girlie, just wanted to say how proud I am of you. you have taken a hard and unfiar situation and found the beauty and positive in it. You are balancing all that you do with handling Vayden's passing with such grace and I know he is so very proud of you his wonderful mommy. I love talking about my angel baby and sharing his story with those who ask. I listen to his CD and look at the slide show or the pictures frequently, I have sectioned off and put up his "picture shrine" in my office. June 26th had me in a peaceful but slightly sorrowful place as this was Vayden's initial due date and I wondered how you were doing. When I heard your sweet voice I was relieved. My prayers continue and I am so proud of you. Love you much.

  14. I came across your blog when somebody recommended it to me as a good read. I didn't know ANYTHING about it, except that.
    Now... after reading the entire thing - all I can say is... WOW!
    You are an amazing woman. Vayden is lucky to have you. He was such a handsome guy! I keep staring at his pictures, because it is hard to think that he is gone. Such a perfect baby.

  15. Stephanee, I felt the exact same way about the infant casket. It was just too heartbreaking and there was no way I was going to put my baby boy in a cold dark box in the ground. My husband and two daughters agreed. We all went together to pick out his urn and my older daughter carried it in her lap when we brought him home.

    I am getting a memorial tattoo to honor our baby and the tattoo artist suggested that I take some of his ashes and mix them into the tattoo ink, so part of his body will forever be part of my skin. I can't think of a better way to memorialize him.

    The slide show made me cry really hard. It was like reliving our loss all over again. But the pictures are beautiful. I wish we had taken more pictures of Donovan, but we were too devastated and in shock. I will miss him forever.