Wednesday, June 23, 2010

So What is it Like??

A lot of people have asked me "What's it like a year later?" I guess a year is supposed to be some huge milestone when it comes to anything. A year on the job, a baby's first year, the 1st year of marriage. All are happy joyful celebrations or accomplishments. So what is a year after loss like?

I think it can be considered a celebration of making it through something that 12 months prior looked foggy and out of focus. I think a year after loss is a positive step towards progressive healing.

Personally for me, a year when I hit a year, I felt this weight lifted off my shoulders. I was comfortable with my loss, understanding of why Vayden had to go, and for the first time truly hopeful for the future. I don't cry when I think of Vayden or even talk about it, I'm less offended by the little things and I understand 100% that I did nothing wrong from the moment I chose to get pregnant to the last few breaths he took.

Today marks the 13th month Vayden has been gone and I'm fine, I know he is so proud of me. I know that I have made him happy and that's all a mother really ever wants to do.

So what's it like? It's peaceful, it's calm, and it's ok.

I love you Vayden.

May 23,2010

You don't have to tell me how late I am on these pictures I don't know why I couldn't just log on and post the pics from Vayden's actually birthday May 23,2010.

Many people expected us to go all out for Vayden's first birthday, at first I had every intention to, but then I thought about it and decided to do something small, with just the family, so that we could create a tradition that was easy to do every year.

In the previous post you know that Vayden actually gets two days to be remembered, so the majority of our celebration was done on the 22nd, however we did go to Lake Hefner Park, in OK to release balloons for Vayden.

This is a picture of Vashon with his lil brother. His shirt says "My little brother is an angel in Heaven"

Here is a picture of Van and his boys

Ready to go to the park, you know brother bear goes everywhere with us.

We release 4 balloons. 3 blue, 1 for each hour and the white balloon represented the 45 min.

Each Balloon had a special note tied to it for Vayden to read

Me, Vashon and Brother Bear

My mom all the way in Ca remembering Vayden on his birthday

My Dad in Ca, also releasing a balloon for Vayden

This was Vayden's special cake.

Overall his birthday went well, it wasn't as emotional as the day before and there was a sense of calm that I had over me.