The Family Bed

My husband came back yesterday from his deployment a little early, it was perfect timing because I'd say 3 days out of the week I felt like I was going to crack. In our family Vashon sleeps in his own room and bed, but on weekends if he so happens to wake up in the middle of the night or we start missing him, he can come and sleep in our bed. We have the family bed at least once a week. I call Vashon "happy feet" because he moves his feet around when he's sleep, it's the most annoy thing in the world and he always targets my body. My husband loves having him in the bed and since he hasn't seen him in a few months we put Vashon to sleep in his bed and of course went and got him later to put him in bed with us. I laid awake with dancing toddler feet on my body and a snoring husband. At that moment I thought to myself "gosh it was nice..... "

Then I thought about The Family Bed, and I thought Vayden would be 5 months old now and although not big enough to sleep in the bed with all three of us, he would surely be able to spend a little time in there while we all lay awake. I saw my perfect, me and my 3 boys, then I thought about when I have another lil one, and if that baby so happens to be a girl. The outsiders looking in will see that as perfection. They will see a cute lil family, 1 boy 1 girl, and they will never know that my perfect was 2 kids, 2 boys and that I had that already, for 3hrs and 45min.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

Ever seen that show??? I have watched it many times and as honest as these women seem and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, I personally don't see how anyone can go full term without kinda knowing something was different. I mean, I've had some contraction like gas before, but I know the difference.

Why am I writing about this show? PREGNANT I am not, that would be a true shock and surprise to my husband who is deployed right now. I'm writing because pregnancy is everywhere around me, my husband wants me to be pregnant, my close friends on base are all pregnant, people keep asking me when I'm going to try again, and every now and then I think "I better just get this over with", because I find myself making plans that don't include a new little person, and lets face it Vashon as a 2 yr old is amazing birth control. My husband will be home in 2-3 weeks and he's made it very clear that he wants another baby, we agreed that we would not actively try, but also not prevent. After being asked why I didn't want another baby, I came to the conclusion that I do want another baby, I just don't want to know when I'm pregnant. I think about having another baby all the time, but my mind skips over the pregnancy, so I hope that one day I will create a post introducing my new healthy baby, that I delivered in my bathroom while taking a poop and at the end of my post it will say "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

October 15th

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, this day was set aside for everyone to remember those precious lives gone too soon. I will admit last year I didn’t know this fact, and like many unless this issue hits close to home, some may never know. Last year on October 15th I was sooooo upset driving home from a 2nd job I had taken up, I was tired, I was nauseous, and I was sneaking yet another pregnancy test into the house, hoping to be pregnant. Last year on October 16th I found out I was pregnant, it’s been a year now since I began this journey, and I will now come across milestone dates through the next 7 months until I apprehensively come back to May 23rd.

Today I lit the V candle from Vayden’s memorial service in memory of my sweet angel baby. I also lit another candle for all the other angels gone too soon. I sat down and watch Vayden’s slide show 4 times, reminding myself of all the wonderful things I did with him in the womb and out. I miss him, and look forward to seeing him again.