Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Slowing down....Passing the torch

It's been 22 months since we said goodbye to our sweet Vayden, and in 22 months so much has changed. After nearly 2 yrs without him and rainbow baby to shine light on my gloomy days I can honestly say I'm alive again. But it only takes a moment to get that feeling and remember that I lost something precious. I often read through my old blog post to relive those raw emotions that I had while carrying to term and after the loss. I'm so glad I blogged those feelings because here we are almost 2 yrs later and I can smile after telling someone that I've lost a child. Not that I'm happy about my loss, but the smile means I'm ok, and can talk about it.

There have been many mothers before me and there are so many after me, most are like myself and after their loss just want to help. My Very Own Angel was my way of helping and in almost 2 yrs I did so much. I feel like I've honored Vayden's memory in an amazing way. But I bite off a little more than I can chew. I'm an Air Force Wife with a toddler and a new baby, when I started MVOA Vashon was able to play alone for a few hours while I worked and I was forgetful of the fact that we may move at a moments notice. My children need me in a way right now that even gives me limited time to blog and although most of my great blog buddies chose blogging over sleep, I'm just not ready to give up the little sleep I get. But more than anything I'm not able to give MVOA the correct amount of attention that it needs, it's like another child. It's my Vayden. I tossed and turned for months crying and begging Vayden to not be upset with me, I wanted him to understand that as much as I love him and miss him daily I needed to be a great mother to his brothers and maybe it was time to pass the torch.

While I'm up at night nursing I read through infant loss blogs from my smart phone and these women are amazing. I see myself in all of them, so ready to give back, hurting but thankful. Many of them have started their own small foundation like MVOA and I must say this is the only situation where the competition is not competition and the more the merrier. We need to get the word out about infant loss, the hard part is when your own life has to continue to grow around 2 yrs later. Varen deserves the same first year that his brothers were given. And MVOA deserves proper attention because a new mother who is carrying to term doesn't want to hear that I took 2 weeks to respond to her email because both my kids and husband were sick.

One day I went upstairs to look at all the things that have accomplished in the 2 yrs since losing Vayden, within minutes I got conformation from Vayden that it was ok to slow down on MVOA . The many newspaper clippings, the new station interviews, the amazing t-shirts, the booklets with his face on them, the bears, the blogs, the links, the speaking engagements that I've done and most of all the Thank You notes and emails, from people that have lost children and even those who have not.

I've made the decision to put on hold selling individual shirts and I will not be creating a new logo or design at the moment. I am going to also hold off sending CTT comfort packages, military life keeps me busy and also moving a lot. I am going to continue to donate teddy bears to local hospitals in Oklahoma City. The website will stay up it's full of wonderful useful information to mothers carrying out fatal pregnancies. And because Vayden will always be my son, when time is more on my side I will come back and be able to give this foundation the much needed attention it deserves without missing the precious moments with my earth family.

I have peace about this and I know that Vayden was proud of me from the day I said I would "carry to term" everything else is just icing on his cake.

Here's to 22 months of being a mom to an angel, Vayden you will always hold a special place in my heart.

p.s. this blog is not going anywhere.


  1. You are a wonderful Mother & I understand. You have helped so many through Vayden's story. I don't know how many shirts and things I bought myself for family & friends. I'm so glad to have met you through Vayden. I love you so much. {{HUGS}} I treasure you as a friend !!!!!
    {{HUGS}} <3 Vayden <3

  2. Yes, Vayden was proud of you and so am I. Thank you for all you have done for the BLM world. xoxo