My We've Come So Far

20 months without you sweet Vayden, I can't believe it's been almost 2yrs. I look at myself, my life, and my marriage and I see how so much has changed. I am a different person, I am still far from perfect but I am better. I have grown up since losing you. It's amazing to see the person I was compared to the person I am today. I thank you for it all, even my crazy germaphobe, and untrustworthy ways. Sure now days almost no one is allowed to babysit your brothers but I guess because of you I'm more aware.

I miss you everyday and wish you were here to join your brothers, I get to tell your story so much more now because people often ask if I want to try a "third" time for a girl. I reply "no this is my third" and then your story is told. You will continue to touch the hearts of so many people. But your family you will live in our hearts forever.

I love you so much Vayden

Happy 20th Heavenly Month baby boy.

My Testimony

I've always been a believer, but for a long time God sheltered me from the hardships of life and the true downfalls that cause people to question their faith. I was blessed with a wonderful family and tragedy was a word that was rarely used. I was a child who met my great grandparents, I MET my GREAT GRANDPARENTS, most people aren't that blessed. But like many I didn't know how truly blessed I was, like many I took my blessings for granted and like many a relationship with Christ was only necessary when things went wrong. Sure I prayed the same routine daily prayer from my childhood, I knew it so well I could have done it in my sleep.


2009 came and I had high hopes for my future I was pregnant with what I was sure was my baby girl and I had a good life, I imagined myself with my two perfect kids, and being the air force wife that I never wanted to be and then within a moment my life changed. "Your baby has a LOWER URINARY TRACT OBSTRUCTION" is what the Dr. said to me. Words like FATAL, SURGERY, KIDNEYS, FAILED, and DEATH is what I read online. My soon to be daughter was in fact a boy who was fighting a condition that could end his life before it even started.


Of course with my history of faith I began to pray, I prayed every minute of every hour and even now knowing how amazing God is I realize that I was praying for the wrong thing in the wrong way. How dare I spend years putting little or no thought into my prayers and at the sign of trouble my prayers become more detailed and heavy. To me everything was a sign that God was working in our favor, when I found out that the LUTO was not genetic I praised him, but when I went every week to see the progress and to find that his bladder was still enlarged I questioned God.


Intervention went on week by week and finally fetal surgery was an option, and I just knew God had eyes for me, my baby was going to be a miracle God answered my prayers. Fetal surgery failed and once again the praises turned to questions and I couldn't figure out what God was doing. I see now 1 yr later that he was molding me and using Vayden to show me that every baby is a miracle and every day that a woman is blessed to carry a child is a blessing and an answered prayer. So while Vayden was still sick inside me, he was still kicking me to let me know he was there and God has blessed me with another day with him.


The tragic week came in my 5th month of pregnancy when the Dr. phoned me to tell me that Vayden's condition was getting worse and that intervention was going to stop. I questioned God once again, and then questioned my faith for a short moment. Intentionally I took the high road to please those around me, I was a wife and a mother and I had to be strong for my family. But something amazing happened to me one day when God spoke to me and told me that my baby would die, but even in that darkest time God would stand with me. Many times Dr.'s would tell me that my baby would die and every time I refused to hear them, and refused to accept it, but when God spoke those words to me I had peace with his choice, I didn't have understanding, but I did have peace.

I stopped praying for a miracle and started praying for time, minutes, hours, or even days, I just wanted time with my baby. My prayers were granted when sweet Vayden James Stewart was born on May 23,2009 at midnight and stayed with us until 3:45am. 3 hours and 45 min, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world and I knew that God is real.

The dark days began that early morning and God kept his word and stood with me during the rainy days and stormy nights. He worked through me and I was inspired to create My Very Own Angel and bless many other women and families that unfortunately suffer infant loss.

But God wasn't done keeping his promises, and I wasn't done praising him. I read the story of Job daily for inspiration and I looked at myself as a modern day Job, and just as Job did, I was not going to turn my back on God even with the darkest most lonely days coming at me from left and right. I stayed faithful to his word, while others felt the time I had with Vayden was unfair, I praised God for that time.

"God has to prepare you for your promotion" - Pastor Ron McKey

I knew my promotion was coming because life was getting harder and the enemy whispered in my ear daily. I fought his words and continued on my path with Jesus and then I became pregnant again. While I was supposed to be in fear and worry of the life expectancy of my unborn child. I trusted God and before I even knew my official due date, I thanked him for the happy, healthy, whole, beautiful child that he has now blessed me with, that WILL come home with me.

"God Keeps all his promises" - Pastor Ron McKey

2009 was the darkest year for me, and although it was painful, full of tears and sometimes anger, I didn't walk that year alone, God was there with me hurting with me, angry with me and crying with me. I did all of this as preparation for my BIG promotion.

2010 was a wonderful year, with my faith high as a kite I entered into a rainbow pregnancy with little fear or worry, when I would have a dark day I would remind myself that God keeps all his promises and I that I was ready for my promotion. I would even remind God of what he promised me that day he told me that my baby would die. I carried on a pretty uneventful healthy and normal pregnancy and in November I gave birth to a healthy beautiful, whole baby boy, that came home with me.

I will never be able to question if there is a God, because I know there is. I can now honestly say that FAITH is real, because when people ask me how did I make it through a pregnancy after the loss all I say is FAITH.

I call 2010 my testimony year, in that year I learned so much about how good God is.

Vayden - The Shining Star

- Vayden I'm sorry I didn't get this post up on the 23rd, your baby brother seems to have a case of colic and I had to make a choice with the little time I do get, to sleep or blog. Sleep won.


Vayden you have been busy, seems like even with your baby brothers long awaited appearance you still found a way to steal a little of his shine. I'm so very proud of you, here we are 19 months past losing you and the media is still paying attention to something that is often overlooked. In OKC you are famous. I imagine that in a few years your name will be on the top baby names list, because all I ever hear is how much people love the name Vayden.


So to the readers, I've done another news segment this time with KOCO 5 News in OKC, this is the story of hope after a loss .You can click on the photo below to see the news segment.


I also did a local article for the on base newspaper the Tinker Take Off. You can click the photo below to view that article.



I am also doing a follow up newspaper article for the local newspaper here in OKC which is supposed to run on Christmas day. This is going to be a follow up from my interview back in Oct 2009. Once that runs I will create a post that highlights every interview that has been done.

Vayden I know you play with your baby brother often because when he sleeps he smiles so much. I look at him and I'm often jealous because I know that he knows you, even more than I do. It's so nice to have an angel watching over you, but even better when your angel is family.

We love you and miss you.

I Have So Much to be THANKFUL For

I was unable to write on Vayden's 18th month heavenly marker, I was recovering for child birth. Yes Vayden's little brother Varen Jacob Stewart made his grand appearance November 21st, 2010 @ 1:57pm. He was 6 lb even and 17.5" long. He was my biggest baby and held out the longest waiting until 36 wks 5 days before demanding out.

I thank God and Vayden for watching over Varen and bringing him into this world happy and healthy. Varen is a bit of a lazy baby and has to be fed with an aid because he sleeps all day and all night so we are not getting a lucky break, while my husband finger feeds him I am pumping breast milk. But other than that Varen is doing well and he is a wonderful testimony to how great God really is.

Here is a picture of our family. We miss Vayden, but always include him.

I will write Varen's birth story on my family blog soon. We've just been so busy.

What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months

Vayden,

Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

Walk To Remember

Today was the annual Walk to Remember for the hospital where Vayden was delivered. This was my 2nd time attending since losing Vayden and I hope to continue to attend every year.



Van was unable to attend last years walk because he was deployed, so in his place my mother came into town to walk with me to remember Vayden. She was unable to come this year, and it was ok, because Van was going to attend until his TDY return date was pushed back at the last minute. I was beyond heartbroken at the thought of having to attend the walk alone, the MOST important thing needed while grieving a loss is support. I was prepared to go alone but definitely didn't want to. I posted about my bad news on Facebook and some of my dear local friends reached out to me offering to join me at the Walk to Remember. I have to say giving up a few hours of your Saturday morning to come out and show your support for my angel is an amazing thing. I am once again sure that there are walking angels in this world.

Getting ready for the walk I painted Vayden's foot print stamp and placed it on my face


At the Walk to Remember with Vashon and baby VJS3

Brenna (pink) and Desirre (white) are two AF wives that I've met just being at Tinker. These two girls are amazing and so supportive, I swear if they ever needed anything I would stop, drop and roll for them. They haven't even known me for more than a year and they came out and supported me and my angel like we've been long time best friends. Brenna actually also gave her time to stay at my house the day of Vayden's memorial service to watch all the kids, so the parents could attend and focus on the service. *Walking angels for sure.*

I met Erin through the OU Family Advisory Council, she's never lost a child, but her son Henry has an amazing story of HLHS. As soon as I posted about Van not being able to make it, she let me know that her and her family would be out at the walk. Again someone I haven't even known a full year lending her time and support to give me that huge smile I have on my face. If the world could only be filled with amazing people like this.

Here is a pic of Vashon and the pond wearing his "My little Brother is an Angel in Heaven" shirt with a stamp of Vayden foot print on the bottom of it.

So I did get a little emotional at the walk, maybe it's the hormones or the fact that Van couldn't be there, but as we watched each pebble make a ripple I saw a HUGE group of people wearing the same t-shirts preparing to take a group photo. It made me really miss having my family so close. I know that if this would have been in my home town we would have had the largest group, I know it's not about the size of the group but the love they all have, I guess I was just a little jealous of the support those two parents had.

At the end of the walk we took one last photo and it came out amazing and even though my group was small, and not my family, they mean so much to me and I am so grateful that they came out to show their support for our family and for Vayden.

16 Months in Heaven

Time keeps passing and I often worry how long will I be able to keep Vayden's memory alive. I know he's always in my heart and always on my mind, but without those growing milestones. How will Vayden's memory stay fresh in the hearts and minds of all the people that love him?

I love my angel mommy blog friends, we all help each other by sharing ideas and memory keepsakes of our angels.








I got the idea to get a stamp of Vayden's footprint made from Holly, who used a stamp of her angel's hand print on one of her maternity pictures. That alone was an amazing idea, and it just got me thinking about all the many other ways I could use Vayden's footprint stamp.

I ordered this custom made stamp from www.simonstamp.com it was very easy, the price was great and they were fast to deliver it. I measured the print that I scanned of his actual footprint and asked them to make the stamp the same size. I love the detail that is in the stamp, so exact to his actual footprint. I plan to order another one in a smaller size which will be used when we sign our names in cards and what not. Receiving this stamp gave our family a new way to keep Vayden's memory alive. We miss him so much.

Happy 16th month in Heaven sweet baby. We love you