Vayden's NILMDTS photos

Today I went to pick up the rest of the NILMDTS photos. Carrie such a sweetheart also provided us with a slide show with wonderful quotes and music attached. I smiled the whole way through watching it. I was in shock to see the things she captured and I loved the way she put the slide show together. After watching the slide show I put the disc in to see the rest of the photo's. They are AMAZING!!!! She did a wonderful job and I love them so very much. She also gave me a wonderful bracelet with Vayden's name on it. Which I will upload later, I just had to get these up and my camera is charging. Carrie thank you so much for capturing such wonderful moments with our son. I love the photo of Vayden being born out my cookie jar, but will not post that, we all know why. lol. I will add the rest of the photo's to the slide show above later on tonight or tomorrow. Thank you again Carrie they are awesome. love ya

I love this one because what more can I say. It's him alive in color.

I love this one because it's a symbol of the love that his mother and father have for him.

I love this one because that is my real smile. I was so happy to be holding my son.

I love this photo, because Vayden is looking straight into Van's eyes.

Ashes to Ashes

Vayden's ashes have been ready now for a lil over 2 weeks. Van and I seemed to be in a rush to get them, however when we finally got the call we politely just said OK. The plan is to spread the ashes in a large pond at Honor Heights Park in Muskogee, OK. This park is very nice, quiet and every year they put on a fantastic Christmas light show, where they light up the entire park. Van was born and raised in Muskogee and we also visit that park every yr to see the Christmas lights. I figured "what child doesn't love Xmas lights?" and at least he'll be in a place that was home to his father.

I fought long and hard for a cremation, I've only seen infant caskets on pictures but even then before I lost Vayden, they broke my heart. My religion has taught me that the body once dead is just that, a body. Vayden's sweet spirit and the light to him has gone away long ago, still I can't bare to see my sweet baby boy that was lying so perfectly in that basket, in ash form. I don't regret my choice for cremation, at one point I was even at battles with my husband whom stated that he wanted to be cremated. I told him he better hope I die first, but now actually having to face and deal with death, makes you think. We are military and we will be for a while, we will move around from place to place and at the moment have no idea, or have not agreed where we will retire. Neither Van or I have a home family cemetery, the Gibbs, Stewart's and Nolan's just don't die very often, so Vayden's death made everyone, on each side of our families really think. We all had to come together to get through the loss of Vayden and we all had to think of our own mortality. Both my mother and I have now decided that we wish to be cremated and please don't play or sing "his eye is on the sparrow" at the service.

I do plan to purchase a urn locket to keep a few of Vayden's ashes in, but one day I'm sure we will go spread them, when we work up the strength to say goodbye all over again. I don't believe that he's un happy sitting on a shelf in a thick plastic container at the mortuary, again those ashes are just the body. The thought final resting place in my opinion gives a life like need to a heavenly spirit, we the living don't want to rest uncomfortable, we sleep on soft beds with plush pillows, but those entered into Heaven, walk on streets of gold, so basically my bed isn't looking that great compared to what Vayden has. lol. Vayden has been in Heaven for almost a month now laughing, playing and I'm pretty sure he's getting super spoiled up there, so I don't feel bad about not going to spread his ashes yet. We just need a lil more time.

On Friday and Saturday my friends and I held a yard sale on base. A girl I've met a few times but didn't really know was asking prices of the boys clothes, while helping her she asked me "where's the baby, inside the house?" I didn't want to dim the mood, didn't have enough time to share his story, but I did need to honor my son, so with a smile on my face and my eyes so proud, I replied "No, he's in Heaven now". She was taken back by my reply as I was a lil caught off guard from the question. I knew the "how many children do you have?" question would come up over and over again, but I guess I thought everyone that knew I was pregnant knew what happened. Guess I was wrong. She extended her condolences and continued shopping, while I continued to play lets make a deal.

I watch Vayden's slide show or look at his pictures still everyday. I miss him so very much, but I still smile thinking about him, he was perfect and too beautiful for earth.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

Many of my very close friends are newly pregnant, or TTC their 2nd child. I find that I am once again the odd man out. For months I was the unfortunate gal who was carrying a baby that was going to pass. For months it was said to me "I don't know how you do it". Now I am asked "Do you plan to have anymore? " or " When are you going to try again?" The answer to those questions are, Yes and I don't know.

Can I say that there is fear behind the wait to jump back into the game? Yes, I can. However as any mother knows pregnancy can be uncomfortable, tiring and lets be honest, I love being able to see my feet and sleep on stomach. I do not suffer from that feeling that if I have another I will replace Vayden or forget about him. I will never forget Vayden. I do wonder if I happen to have another boy, what on earth will I name him. I have surely ran out of names that start with V for a boy. Everyone of my friends and family want me to be tortured by having a lil girl, so I probably wont have do address that issue. I still remember the response from everyone when we found out Vayden was a boy and suffered from LUTO. It was not "OMG, what is that is he going to be ok?" it was "are they sure it's a boy?" attached with a silent (darn).

I can not place a date on when I plan to start TTC, but at my 2 wks post partum appointment I found myself either refusing or making excuses for the offered methods of birth control. My mind says, "no you don't want to be pregnant for virtually 18 months" but way in the back of my mind, I think how great it would be to keep up with the Joneses. Have my baby right along with my friends. But then I remember I already had my 2nd baby, I already served my 8 months of pregnancy. I haven't had a glass of wine in 11 months, and most of all I am still emotionally grieving the loss of Vayden; despite the fact that I don't cry everyday anymore.

How am I doing? Is the BIG question that so many wonderful supporters ask. I'm doing well, better than I expected to be honest. I find that the majority of my thoughts about Vayden are accompanied by a smile. It is only the future thoughts about Vayden in which I become sad or cry, when I think or him as a 2 yr old like Vashon, or playing in the backyard, fishing with his father. To those thoughts I tend to become sad and hurt for my loss, Vayden wont experience those things here on earth. However to brighten my mood I also note that he wont experience being laid off, betrayed, lied to, broken hearted, bad grades, and even getting yelled at by his parents. Somewhat of a balance, I guess.

Thank you for asking me how I am doing and I will never get sick of that question, because the answer will be different everyday. I have a lot going on and BIG BIG plans that I will discuss in future post. Just know that Vayden's death and memory will not go in vain and I have found that all things do work together for good to those that love God.

One week without Vayden ~ Through his mothers eyes

One week ago my baby passed away and joined a host of angel friends in heaven. I miss him dearly. Last Sunday was the day I left the hospital, the room was cleared out as our family waited downstairs for us, Van and I held Vayden kissed him, told him we'll see him again, and most of all said "we love you" Before the nurse came in we bowed our heads and prayed that God get us through this and give us strength, we praised him for the time he allowed us with Vayden and asked that he be well taken care of. The nurse came in and walked with us slowly to the room where we were going to leave Vayden. Van asked if I wanted to carrying him, as much as I did, I said "no, you do it, I carried him for 8 months". We walked slowly, handed him over and cried the entire way out of the hospital. It wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to take my baby with me, not a blanket that smelled like him.

Monday through Wednesday, every morning when I would wake up, I would have this uncontrollable shaking of my upper body, however I felt numb. I will admit that my appetite was non existent, even with some of my favorite foods eating was something I had no need for. One day at 10pm I realized that aside from drinking water, I had only eaten two pcs of bread that entire day, yet I was still not hungry. On Thursday I finally went to get my nails done, it felt right and wrong. Of course a woman should pamper herself, but what mother who just had a baby on Saturday would be at the nail shop on Thursday?? I don't look pregnant anymore, I'm happy to see my feet again, my nail tech said, "long time no see, how's the baby?" At that moment I wished I could have been a woman that still looks pregnant even after the baby is born. I walked around from store to store, trying to find something to wear for his memorial service. This time shopping didn't seem so fun.

On Thursday me and Van went to view Vayden's body one last time, before his remains would be turned into ashes. I thought it would be this CSI, john doe thing, go into the morgue, open a stainless steel refrigerator door and confirm that was Vayden. I was pleasantly surprised when she escorted us to a room where Vayden laid in a small basket wrapped in a warm blanket, under a soft light. He was beautiful, his skin so pink, I'm not sure if they put make up on him, but they did brush his hair. She closed the door and said take all the time you need. We spent about 15-20 min in with Vayden crying and kisses him, getting the last hugs and pictures with him. I am so thankful I was able to see him that way as a last way of seeing him, he truly looked like he was just sleeping. What a wonderful, wonderful picture for memory.

Monday through Friday I stayed up late into the night planning and preparing for the service, the over planner over protective, I want it my way side came out of me, as I felt that I had home court advantage over the service planning. I am his mother, right? Many times I had to remind myself that I am not the only one grieving this loss & that my family is just here to help.

Last week I should have been planning my baby shower to be on Saturday (5/30). Instead I planned for my sons memorial service. Saturday morning, dressed for a funeral, I told Van, we should be going to Vayden's baby shower, not his funeral. He held me tight wiped my tears, and said we're going to get through this. Van has been amazing, with this all, at times I expected to walk through this alone, he has proved me so wrong and I have fallen in love with him all over again. I married a wonderful man.

I speak to everyone that calls me on the phone, so if you'd like to call please know that unless I'm spending time with Van or Vashon I will be up to talking. I cry everyday, but I also laugh everyday. I feel that is a healthy balance and I make it a strong point to wake up, give thanks to God, shower, drink lots of water and if I have a moment, I take my moment. I scream, I cry, I laugh, I smile, I do it all for my son. I love him dearly, miss him tremendously and will never forget that moment when he looked into my eyes.

* A 2nd post is below that talks about his memorial service*

Remembering Vayden ~ Memorial Service

Yesterday marked one week without my baby Vayden. It was also the day we celebrated his life and hosted his memorial service. The service was held at Bill Eisenhour Funeral Home, in Del City, OK and officiated by Pastor P.S. Hagger of New Testament Christian Church of Del City. The Service was only about an hour long but was so meaningful. I feel we honored Vayden greatly, his unique name will allow him to stand out, his story will continue to touch the hearts of many and the love that everyone has for him will be everlasting. I read the poem "A pair of shoes" my husband and all the other military members that attended, stood up all dressed in their AF blues and sang the "Air Force Song" that Van sang to both Vayden and Vashon. As a tribute to Vayden, my husband, mother and dear friend Sheena read special remarks about Vayden our family and my strength in carrying to term. The slide show I provided was played, which brought on a lil tears but also brought laughter. The service although sad had it's moments where the guest laughed as we brought light to this situation.
Pastor Hagger was amazing, I had only met this man two days prior, but he spoke so wonderfully. All I said to him was please don't talk about "why me". I wanted the guest to leave the service; hug their husbands, wives and run fast to go pick up their kids. I did not want them to leave thinking "what kind of God do we have that would take a baby". That is exactly what he did as his message spoke about "Appointments" it touched me personally because, he spoke about how we prepare for so many appointments in the world, but how we rarely prepare for our appointment to meet the Lord. It was comforting to know that although I was praying and praying for a different outcome for Vayden, I also prepared myself for his appointment, I enjoyed my time with him, I gave him so much love, hugs and kisses, I found out character traits about him while still in the womb, told him about his family. When the time came to finally meet him, we did the same as we prepared for his appointment. Showing him nothing but pure 100% true love, if you have to go you couldn't go in a better way than that.

The funeral home was so kind and great, the directors were very pleasant I was am very happy that we chose them, to celebrate Vayden's life with us, they even came to us after the service and told us that they don't get many babies, when they do they are always a lil sadder, but Vayden's service was the best they've seen by far. Talk about putting a smile on face.

I have no regrets about the service and thank everyone who helped me and my family put this thing together in only 1 week. I now know why I never had a formal wedding, party planning is hard. lol

We've received and are so thankful for all the flowers, but we'd also like to offer as an alternative. Consider making a donation to the following non profit organizations that have been extremely helpful in Vayden's name:

Now I lay Me Down To Sleep – Infant bereavement photography http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

The Fetal hope foundation - to help spread the word about rare fetal conditions like LUTO. http://www.fetalhope.org/

String Of Pearls – provides a nurturing and safe place for families as they navigate the path following a fatal prenatal diagnosis that will result in the death of their baby prior to, or shortly after birth. http://stringofpearlsonline.org/index.html

Sufficient Grace Women’s Ministries – Provides, comfort packages to families in time of loss, along with great support. http://www.sufficientgrace.net/

The birth story of an Angel

It was May 22, 2009. I was awaken early by a phone call from Van, saying their coming home (finally) today and I need to pick him up at noon, I looked at the clock, OMG!!! it's 8am. The house was a bit of a mess, Vashon's toys everywhere. I get up rush to clean up shower and shave I hadn't seen my husband in 23 days. Our Memorial day weekend was already planned to go to Tulsa to spend with his side of the family at the lake, kind of our way of having one more weekend of normal life before our world was turned upside down. The delay in Van getting home and our to do list, gave us a lil time at home, no time to pack, and few mins to take a nap. We wake up and remember that we needed to change our cell phone service from sprint to AT&T, so we head over to the AT&T store. It was 5:40pm when I casually text my mom saying "I may be having minor contractions, hope your bags are packed". Thinking in my mind they were nothing but braxton hicks. I never experienced them with Vashon, so I really wasn't sure. In fact I insisted I had gas for about 20 min, not gonna lie I did eat Mexican food that day, lol.

By 6:30 pm the contractions, were about 3-4 min apart, and I was in a lot of pain. Still I insisted they were braxton hicks and if I went in to be checked I would only be about 2 cm dilated. I asked Van to take me home, so I could take a warm bath then lay down for an hour. That didn't work out to well as the pain became stronger and closer and Van over ruled and said we're going to the hospital. I still felt they were going to keep me for a lil while stop labor and what not so we didn't pack, not to mention Van was so freaked out by my intense screams he could no longer bare to see me in such pain.

At 7:20 pm we're in OB triage and I'm told that I'm already 8cm dilated. WOW!!!! I broke down crying, looked at the nurse and said I have 7 nails, my hair is nappy and my eyebrows look like chubaca. They unlocked my bed and started rolling it Labor and Delivery, that is when I realized that I didn't even know I was dilated, and I clearly labor fast. Then it hit me. I have nothing for Vayden. I cried and cried, how could I have done so much to remember my son while I carried him and nothing on the day I finally would meet him? I asked for my epidural ASAP!!! and got it. Then started to calm down, I was going to figure something out.
I asked Van to call Carrie from NILMDTS, I asked for my purse thank God my camera was in there and had a decent charge. I then got my phone knowing I could have maybe an hour or two, I was going to refuse to be checked for as long as I could. This baby wasn't coming out until he forced himself out. I was not planning to help. lol.
I called my friend Sara who I knew lived not to far from the hospital. I asked if she could please go to wal mart and get a preemie baby outfit a blanket and a cap. She was honored to do it and was there quickly she even remembered to pick up some socks for Vayden. I thank her so very much for how helpful she was. I still wanted my care packages, so I called my friend Morgan who lives off base but has access to get on. She had to come to the hospital to get our house key , then to our house and back to the hospital. She didn't think twice about coming and did it quickly. Carrie from NILMDTS had no photographers in town, she said that she would come out to be with us. Carrie just went through a round of chemo that week I knew she probably wasn't feeling great, but she found the strength to come be with us. Truly 3 wonderful walking angels.

Once everyone was there, my midwife (who was not on call but came up to be with me) told me I was ready and I could start pushing. With my midwife, two nurse and Van by my side I started pushing. Carrie stayed quiet in the back round taking photo and my MIL walked in about 5 min before his head was out. Midnight Vayden James Stewart was born 4 lbs 15 oz & 17 3/4" long. Only one ounce bigger than his brother Vashon, but looking just like he did when he was born. I fell in love all over again. Vayden let out a cry it was a bit of a struggling sound, but we were told he may not even be able to cry. They left him on my chest for a lil while until the placental expelled, so that we could hear him cry and coo more. He opened his eyes and looked into the eyes of both me and my husband. Van's attachment hit instantly, he was overwhelmed with joy and sadness, because he knew Vayden was fighting for his life. I however only felt utter and complete joy. I was so happy he made it through labor and a vaginal delivery.

After a few mins with him I wanted to know more about his condition, he just looked too perfect, to be sick, although we could hear his weak cry and see his struggle to breathe he was just so perfect. Van cut the cord and we let him go to the other side of the room to receive a quick assessment. Everyone in the room politely stayed out of my way so that I could still see him. They checked him and said his heart was great but his breathing was bad, I asked for him to come back to my arms, but requested that daddy bring him to me. The NICU Dr's said he could be with us for about 30-60 min without breathing support.

We took that time to love on Vayden, I sang "you are my sunshine" and "happy birthday" my husband sang the Air Force song, he always sang to Vashon to get him to calm down. We cried and gave thanks to God at the same time. Two hours later with no breathing support Vayden was still with us. We called for the NICU to come down, we were considering having him taken up there to get a better assessment. They came down with a machine to check Vayden's lungs and oxygen levels, she sat with us and told us that his lungs were very underdeveloped and he was not getting proper oxygen. She then paused with tears in her eyes, said we can take him upstairs but that will not save him just prolong this. We agreed with our initial choice to show him nothing but love, we said thank you and she left us with our baby. Thirty min later that same NICU Dr. came to our room and said she felt she didn't tell us enough. While holding Vayden in my arms she said, "you guys are doing the right thing", tears came to her eyes as she said we are in her prayers.

Right before he passed away we had him baptized and Van, myself and his paternal grandmother told him "it's ok to go home to be with Jesus" Vayden fooled us for a while as he would get very quiet, we thought he had gone and then he would let out a coo cry or open his eyes. One last kiss on his cheek I said "it's ok baby, you can go, I love you".

Vayden James Stewart died in my arms at 3:45am. We held him and cried. I got up to use the restroom and broke down as I had to change my blood stained hospital gown. I begged the nurse to please let me keep it. She said it was fine. I pulled myself together walked over to my son and changed him into a different outfit from what his father put him in earlier. It was not hard at all as I smiled and handled Vayden gently.

We made foot prints on everything, the hospital did a 3D mold of his hands and feet, we took over 300+ pictures. Then me and Van laid in bed with our son and fell asleep.

I'm so proud of Vayden he fought a good fight and changed my world along with many others. Although short, what a meaningful life. Something we all strive for, something my son did. He is in Heaven now watching over mommy, daddy, and brother Vashon.

We give thanks to God for giving us a life changing 3 hrs and 45 min with our son.

- For every comment, text message, email and phone call thank you. I do read them all and I do appreciate every single one of them. Thank you so very much

An angel was born

Vayden James Stewart was born May 23,2009 at midnight. He weighed 4 lbs 15 oz and was 17 3/4" long. Vayden lived with us for 3 hrs 45 min, without any breathing support. We were so blessed to hear him cry, see him open his eyes and coo a lil. He was struggling but still strong. We miss him very very much but were so very blessed that he made it through a vaginal delivery and stayed with us for almost 4 hrs. God is Good. Vayden was 35 wks exactly. His in in heaven now, watching over his daddy, mommy and big brother Vashon. He was welcomed into nothing but love and he left with nothing but love. I will write soon with my birth story.

p.s. He looked just like Vashon when Vashon was born, however Vayden had 1 ounce on Vashon. Go Vayden!!!