10 years later, it's time for some changes

Happy 10th Heavenly Birthday, sweet baby boy. I must admit that I tried to write your annual blog post days in advance, I have been struggling with time management lately and I’ve just been a little busy. But I couldn’t do it. Every time I tried I’d write something that was familiar then I’d look back at my blog and realize at some point I already said these things. That I miss you, love you, and imagine who you would be. I’ve already written about how strong you are and how proud I am of you, what more can I say? It began to sound like a broken record.  And once again sweet boy, your Aunt Pam came to the rescue with a surprise call that made me realize, there isn’t much more we can say. As she celebrates Joey’s 10th year gone we are reminded that we just have to feel this way and walk in these shoes every year around this time, and while we know we need to feel it and own these emotions, we can’t help but want it to pass until the next year.

I struggled this year leading up to your birthday, to be honest, I didn’t even plan anything big. I saw myself as a mother who failed and I wasn’t crying because I didn’t buy a cake for you, I cried because I didn’t want to. I cried because here I was staring at this milestone year for you and all I could think about was how I don’t like going to Chili’s every year anymore, didn’t want a cake, and couldn’t stay up until midnight to do the midnight balloon release.  On top of not having anything inspirational to write, I was having some serious angel mom guilt.

I woke up this morning and got ready for work like it was a normal day, but I still felt guilty, so I grabbed some pink and blue ribbon stickers and stopped at the store to buy bagels and donuts for my co workers. When I got to work I put the food and stickers on the break room table and typed up a message that read: “Posada Life Family, 10 years ago today I lost a little piece of my heart. My son Vayden James Stewart passed away 3 hours and 45 minutes after he was born. We can’t celebrate him here on earth, so we celebrate him by sharing his memory. The pink and blue ribbons are for pregnancy and infant loss awareness, please enjoy the goodies and take a sticker in honor of Vayden.” 

As the staff started to arrive I was greeted with hugs of comfort and questions about you and your story, I even found another mother who wears these same ugly infant loss shoes.  I’ve been working with this woman for 4 months and we never knew we shared the same heartache. Everyone grabbed a sticker and wore it today in honor of you and to support me. It was beautiful. And by the end of the day, everyone thanked me for the goodies, and for sharing your story.  Son, you did it again, you continue to touch the lives of people you never had a chance to meet.

I realized today, after talking to Pam that it’s cool to have a ritual until it doesn’t give you joy anymore. Our old ritual is done, perhaps we will go back to it, but for now, we’ve got a new plan. We are going to take it year by year. One thing that we will NEVER change is sharing Vayden’s story, his name will continue to make a mark in the hearts of those who walked the journey with us and those who now walk alongside us. I don’t know if I will be able to keep up with the annual blog post, I may just pop in on the milestone years, or perhaps as always something amazing will happen and I will feel compelled to write.

I want to thank the new lovers of Vayden, everyone in Arizona that we have met, that know his story now. I am forever grateful for your love and support. Thank you for choosing to learn about our son, asking about his life, and offering your condolences, love, and support, even after all this time, it really means a lot to use. To those of you who continue to walk this journey with us, I appreciate you so very much, thank you.

Happy Happy Birthday Vayden, I hope I continue to make you proud.

Love, Mommy

Happy 9th Birthday........And Now He Knows Your Story.........

On the morning of May 20, 2018 I sat in my bed with my two boys watching old videos, sharing laughter and stories from when they were younger. Varen aka Rainbow Baby (7) made a very hurtful and insensitive comment while watching a video that had a photo of Vayden in it when he said “I wish you would have just taken care of Vayden, and then he wouldn’t have died”. The child after loss enters into a family that has already been rattled and changed. Their position in understanding the loss is different because it never affected them like it did everyone else. Varen is also the last born of the family, a typical self centered child that thinks the sun rises and sets only for him. Not to mention his tender young age of having zero filter. I immediately stopped the video and took that rather rude comment as an opportunity to school Varen on the story of Vayden. If he was old enough to say something like that, he’s old enough to know the full story behind his brother’s life and death.

In a gentle, loving, and kid friendly way I explained to Varen what happened to Vayden, how we fought for him and why he died. I made it very clear to him that everyone who came into our lives around Vayden wanted only the best for him and that nothing we did caused him to die. Soon after Varen asked me “how did it feel to have him?”  I said “it’s painful to push out a baby but I’m strong”, he said “No, were you happy, or sad, or excited?” and then the ball was in my court, with Vashon sitting next to him was I going to relive a painful memory that still brings people to tears, or was I going to briefly answer, change the subject and move on.  The question came one video short of Vayden’s slide show and I made the choice to offer my boys the raw and honest answer to their question, even though I knew it would steal a small piece of their innocence.

Why?............ I don’t know, perhaps it’s because the night before I binge watched 5 episodes of 13 Reasons Why and  I went to bed worried about being a parent when the teenage years come around. I see these kids on the news going to their schools and shooting other kids. When things like that happen the first few thoughts are, were the parents aware, how much did they, or didn’t they know? If I want any openness and honesty with my children, I will also have to give them mine in return.
So as Vayden’s slide show ran I spoke through the journey to answer Varen’s question. I told him” it was a happy and a sad moment, he was born and so beautiful , you couldn’t tell he was in pain, the Dr.’s took him to check him and gave him back to us and told us he would be with us for about an hour, but he was so strong he stayed for much longer, then when he was ready to go, he just fell asleep in my arms” Varen  and Vashon both began to cry, so I held them and we cried together as we remembered my son and their brother Vayden. I told them “we don’t always know why things like this happen but we know that it was for a reason, and then after all of the sad days and tears, sunshine came and a rainbow appeared, and then we had Varen” so I told them the meaning behind a rainbow baby, I told them all the wonderful things we have done in Vayden’s memory and I told them it’s ok to cry and to miss him and to sometimes be sad, because it is a sad set of circumstances and hiding feelings isn’t healthy.

The day went on without an issue, and then at bedtime Varen came into my room, Vashon & brother bear following behind, and Varen said “I’m still sad about Vayden” we talked more about their feelings and because Van is currently away I allowed them to sleep in my room. It was a sweet and emotional day for the 3 of us and the timing couldn’t have better, sometimes emotions and real memories catch us off guard. Every year my toughest day is not on his birthday, or the day I went into labor but on one of those last few days with my sweet angel, where I had no idea how much time we had left together.

I hope that while breaking Varen’s heart I also put it back together, with a new found understanding of love, compassion, understanding, hope, and most of all the strength to think before he speaks.  

 

 Welcome Varen to the Vayden Stewart Fan Club you are one of hundreds of people that love him and know his story.

Happy 9^th Birthday sweet baby Vayden and just before your birthday, our family suffered a great loss, while you received the gift of another family member to our Heaven family tree, your Uncle Joseph Gibbs grew his angel wings on Thursday, May 17, 2018. This was an unexpected loss and your daddy, NeNe, Uncle Jay, Aunt Vanessa, and all the family needs you to take special care of him and continue to look after us. We love you!

 RIP Joseph “Uncle Dude” Gibbs, you are gone but never forgotten.

Who Would You Be?

Dear sweet Vayden,
 

               I often ask myself “What would he be like?” your brothers are so different, Vashon he’s loving and tender, he worries about things, he’s cautious and forgiving. Varen he’s wild, he’s loud, crazy, he’s funny, and fearless. You would be the middle child, so I imagine that you would be easy going, with moderate energy and non confrontational.

Yesterday on our way to Chili’s for our annual Vayden dinner, your brothers and I talked about you, and we imagined things like how the room would be set up and where each of you would sit in the car. Vashon came up with a great sleeping arrangement plan…..There would be bunk beds and one single bed, and each night you boys would rotate from bed to bed, so everyone got a chance to sleep on the top bunk, bottom bunk and single bed. Varen agreed. I sometimes get these bitter moment when thinking about the 3 of you, having 2 boys is awesome but to have 3 on earth would be amazing.

I know you are happy in Heaven and I know you and Grampie are watching over us, but I also hope you know that I still miss you every day.

Happy 8^th Heavenly Birthday sweet Vayden, 8 years old, yet you will always be my baby.

 

Just a teddy bear........

 

At first glance someone would look at Brother Bear and wonder why Vashon and our family love him so dearly. He's a well loved bear is what we call it, but just like "bless her heart" means something different in the south, "well loved" pretty much = a dirty old thing.





What most people don't realize is that Vashon's connection to Brother Bear is bigger than a child and his security item. Of course Brother Bear makes Vashon feel safe and comfortable, but he is now a part of our family.




Brother Bear was given to us from Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women (and Families) Inc. he was included in a Dreams of You package that I received in the mail a few days before going into labor. From the website:

Comfort Bear: These beautiful, cream-colored, soft fleece Comfort Bears were created by Kathy Rutter in 2005 for grieving mothers to have something to hold to ease the ache of empty arms. Kathy created each one with a grandmother’s love and prayers. After a valiant battle with cancer, Kathy went home to heaven in October of 2006. Today her legacy continues as the Helping Hands Ministry gathers to sew the bears, sending a grandmother’s love and prayers along with each one.

Brand new Comfort Bear aka Brother Bear

I remember the first night in the hospital, I spread the Noodle and Boo lotion we used on Vayden over the bear and clinched him so tightly, soaking him with my tears.  

For a few weeks the Comfort Bear was mine, each night I would spread lotion over him and press the bear closely to my face, I became a bit protective over him, but little did I know that Vashon would challenge my protection, and force me to let go in many forms.

The cream colored bear was already starting to lose it's glow, I covered him with lotion daily the soft texture was fading fast. Occasionally Vashon would touch him, and I would stand close with a damp towel to wipe off any traces of dirt. One day Vashon came down stairs holding the Comfort Bear by the leg, I'm pretty sure I freaked out; but Vashon lost something too and Vashon was anti stuffed animals. At a recent doctors appointment I was questioned why Vashon didn't love on dolls or bears, baby them, feed them or tote them around. I simply replied "we don't have dolls in our house". So seeing Vashon with a stuffed animal was kind of a big deal. That occasional play with the Comfort Bear turned into a frequent thing, I was jealous, happy and heartbroken, "could my two year old know the severity of what we loss?". Vashon began to tote the bear around with him often, they'd watch TV together, play with toys, and sleep together. One day Van pointed out that Vashon was playing with his brother and then we name the bear, Cuddle Brother which later changed to Brother Bear. At that point I knew he was no longer just mine, and I would have to share him.

Brother Bear 5/21/16

Brother Bear became Vashon's best friend, at first I micromanaged their time together as any mother with a new born and an older child would do, lol. I'll never forget the day Vashon accidently pulled his button eye off. I cried, I balled my eyes out, pulled myself together, sewed his eye back out and used the situation as a 'be kind to our loved ones' teaching moment. But giving Brother Bear to Vashon taught me that I can't control things, just like being given Vayden and losing him. It was never up to me, and it was a great lesson and constant battle I have being a worry-wart. :)

Brother Bear has had three eye surgeries, two neck surgeries, a hundred washes, lots of stains, a minor hip surgery to reattach a weak leg, and he sometimes smells. But he has also been to so many places, seen so many faces, is loved beyond words and considered a part of our family. So no he's just not a teddy bear, he's our tangible memory of our sweet baby Vayden and one of Vashon's best friends.

Happy 7th Birthday to you Vayden and to you also Brother Bear, you will always be a part of me. Mommy misses you so much.

*Above you will see some of the many pics we have with the greatly loved Brother Bear.

The Color of Love

I saw this quote that said "At times I fit into lyrics, more than I fit into life".......music therapy is what I call it. I have been using that a lot more these days. Have you ever heard a song and it was almost like it was written for you? I've been feeling like that for quite some time lately.

The songs we used for Vayden's memorial slide show hold so much importance. Color of Love by Boyz II Men. That song tells such a warming story of living and learning to love. Vayden taught me so much about love, true, real and honest love. I go back every year the week before his birthday, I read my blog and relive what I went through, this is how I continue to heal each year. I had so much love, and passion for Vayden from the moment I found out something was wrong. Fight or Flight, and I was all fight. I educated myself on anything and everything to do with his condition, I tortured myself with things that would break any person with a heart and soul. I overly prepared myself, and when I found out there was just no more for me to do, I didn't quit (despite what some may think) I LOVED. I loved enough to know that to much damage had been done, that healing would come in the loss and that the pain, stress, & agony was no longer what either of us needed. Vayden fought, and I fought too, but at some point we were fighting two different battles, until we got on the same page. In a past post, I said....."I just want time, anytime, just time" and he gave that to me, because he loved me, and I let him go because I loved him.

So from in the lyrics of the song

So how I want to thank you,
I can't thank you enough,
For showing me the meaning,
The meaning of true love,
 When I was lost and so in need you opened up your heart
 When I needed you to comfort me you opened up you arms
 I couldn't face another day you said don't be afraid
You showed my heart the, showed me the way

 

Vayden never left me, because the things he taught me stay with me in my heart, he taught me true love and it feels absolutely amazing.

Happy 6th Heavenly Birthday Vayden, I always miss, I will always love you, and thank you for showing me what true really is.

Love Always,
    Mommy

A Milestone Type of Year..... Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday

I should be gearing up for the last of day preK for Vayden. He would be a sweet 5 year old, with bundles of knowledge and that cute little kid voice. You know, the one that has that sweet innocent tone, but you can understand everything they say. 5 year olds remember words to songs, and read simple 2-3 letter sight words. It’s an awesome age if you think about it, while they crave for independence, they also still need you. You are the coolest mom or dad in the whole world and everything they do changes day by day.

I could go on and on about the type of 5 year old Vayden would be, but instead I will just write a quick update about how I’m doing and how the family is doing 5 years later…….

A popular question for me is how am I doing? I have my days, my “why me” days, the “it’s not fair” days, and my most recent day was “did that really happen to me? Did I really lose a child?” Then I get this boost, this amazing energy from within and it all stems from the love and support from those around me. I mean I have the BEST support network. I have met some wonderful people, and have done some wonderful things because of Vayden. That is amazing; to know that people, even strangers love him and admire the things I’ve done in memory of him. So to answer the question, I’m doing well, I’m human, but I have way more good days than bad now that we’re 5 years post loss.
 

Today was wonderful as the loved poured in from all over. Simple reminders that all of you love my family and most of all Vayden. You are the ones who keep his memory alive. I am forever grateful to all of you.  

Happy 5^th Heavenly Birthday Vayden, I know you’re perfect in Heaven; I miss you so very much.

4th Bithday......Already

It's hard to believe that it has been 4 yrs since Vayden was born.I miss him so much, have been so busy and he has brought so many wonderful things to my life and my ability to support other infant loss families. What was once an online support has grown into a paid position with a wonderful non profit organization, I get to help families who suffer a loss as a job, and while some people may say "I don't know how you find that exciting" I say, "I get to show another woman, that even though she feels like she's going to die, even though right now she wants to die, she will not die. She will not die because I didn't die, and that's what makes this the best job ever"  I get to show people how to walk the journey, and the best part of it is when they ask "how do you know?" I can reply "because I did it already".

This job is so special because my story is my training, my heart makes me the ideal candidate for the job and my boss and the rest of the staff I work with love me, believe in my and most of all love Vayden.

4 years seems like a long time, so much has changed since 2009. We've added a member to our family, lost some loved ones, and our biggest change was our most recent move from Moore, OK to California. Man am I glad that I fought to have Vayden cremated. I would have been so broken hearted leaving him behind in OKC. I seriously never thought we would leave Oklahoma, but that is the life of the USAF.

While you all wish Vayden a 4th Heavenly Birthday, please remember and keep in your thoughts and prayers the city of Moore, OK. That tornado was seriously heartbreaking and Moore was our home for many years.

Happy 4th Vayden, I know the color of love and it lives inside of you.

-Mommy

Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Vayden

Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Vayden. Gosh 3 years it's been, seems like so long. I'm sure i'll be really saying Gosh when May 23rd comes around in 15 yrs. My sweet son, you are missed everyday, but mourning I don't do often. I'm more at a place of remembering, our time together was so precious and while short will be in my memory for a lifetime.

I've been asked why I don't blog often, or anymore for that matter. Well, here is the truth. Honestly I have little to say. Suprisingly while pregnant with Vayden, you couldn't shut me up, but like I said above, blogging was my way to navigate through my grief and my mourning period is up. I do and always will still hurt from the loss of my son, but I am at a great peace.

Vayden on your 3rd birthday I want you to know I love you, and I thank you. You are the reason I have such great peace, you are my heart, you are my hero, and you are my sunshine.


Happy Birthday son .

Love Mommy

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

So it's been 2 yrs 1 month since my sweet Vayden passed away and every day I find myself adjusting and understanding what is now normal in my life. It's normal for me to tell people that ask that I have 3 children. It's normal for them to question the 3 when they only see 2 and are told that Vashon is my 1st and Varen in my last. Telling Vayden's story to strangers is like telling them my name. I don't blink, hang my head or get teary eyed anymore. It's also normal for me to try to include Vayden in our daily lives, but it's also getting hard.

Does time heal all wounds?

I think it does. I still have the scars from my loss, those will never go away. I see them everyday, I'm reminded everyday that one of my kids is no longer with me. But sometimes I forget the pain I went through while carrying Vayden, and sometimes I forget the pain I went through in the early months after the loss. I sometimes read over my posts from the past, the rawness of the words I wrote, the feelings I had. Even I am brought to tears, I understand why people say they can't read my blog or when they do all they do is cry. The honesty of those emotions even bring me to tears. I can't even believe I felt those things, I can't even believe I went through that. Then I glance over at Vayden's photo on my shelf and all I can do is hang my head a little low and miss my baby.

It's a catch 22 because I know in my heart that if Vayden were here, Varen would not be here. So I don't know, am I blessed because I've had the pleasure of carrying and giving birth to 3 wonderful beautiful boys ? or Would I have been blessed with just Vashon and Vayden and never having to experience such a great loss? I guess I would say I'm blessed to have been able to have all 3 of my boys even if Vayden was only for a short time.

So when will my broken heart mend? Probably the day I see Vayden again.

25 months without you my sweet love.

In 2 yrs you've touched so many lives

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday Vayden. This experience has taught me so much, it has built me into such a different person. Many people tell me how strong I am. How if faced with the same situation they would not be able to get through it like I have. I suppose I would have said the same thing before it happened to me, but I thank them for their kind words. I had no idea what to write about on your 2nd angel day, there is a certain calm I have now that 2 yrs have past. I miss you like crazy, wish you were here, but I know you had a bigger and better purpose. Today I googled your name and was pleasantly surprised to find the entire first page full of links to this blog or My Very Own Angel stuff. I also came across the links of all the media we've done for you. I was shocked at how many times we've done a new segment or article. You will surely never be forgotten, with such a unique name and beautiful face, you were truly too perfect for earth. I gathered all the links to every media article we've done over the last two years and placed them in each of the 7 photos on this post. (click each photo it will take you to the links of each story)

Although I've slowed down the activity of My Very Own Angel, I still have teddy bear donations scheduled for this year and plan to regain activity once my busy life slows down a little and my living children are a bit older. In 2 yrs we've donated over 345 teddy bears to local Oklahoma City Hospitals, sent out over 20 carrying to term comfort packages. There are so many women wearing "I Have My Very Own Angel " t-shirts and the website full of wonderful useful information on carrying to term is a will still be active.

Vayden James Stewart was born May 23,2009 @ Midnight and lived for 3 hrs and 45 min

Vayden has an older brother Vashon Jordan, and now a younger brother Varen Jacob.

Vayden & and his Grandfather

Today marks the 23rd month without my sweet baby Vayden. He received a wonderful early 2nd birthday gift by having his only grandpa join him in Heaven.

It is with sadness that I have to tell you all that my father (Marvin James Nolan) has passed away. I'm currently in California visiting my family with the boys, I've been here since early March. When I got here my parents told me that it was a high possibility that my dad had cancer. We were unsure of the stage and primary site at the time. After a few weeks of test it was found last Friday that it was pancreatic cancer that had spread to the colon, omentum and liver. It was in a very severe stage and they gave him 6 months to live.

On Monday he was having severe pain and went to the ER at that visit the 6 month prognosis changed to 2 months. Yesterday peacefully at home among his family my daddy took his last breath and went to sleep.

Many of you may know my father had other pre existing conditions and has been in a wheel chair for the greater part of his adult life. He has been through a lot medically, while he's also lived a great life full of many achievements. He was an amazing daddy and I have always been very close to him. I'm glad I was here with him to enjoy his last times together. I'm also glad that he is no longer in pain. But I do miss him so so very much.

My dad has now had the pleasure of meeting all of his grandchildren from me.

Vashon Jordan

He was there in the delivery room when Vashon was born. He calls him Koo Koo and the rides in his electric wheel chair he calls the Cadillac will be something that Vashon will always remember. Vashon is daddy's first grandchild. His pride and joy. And I am blessed to have many many photos of them together.

Vayden James

Vayden was named to honor my father and to keep the J in our lil complex of having VJS kids. My dad spoke to Vayden while I was pregnant but was unable to come to Oklahoma when he was born. He's still so very special to him and my dad purchased a lil angel statue that had moving wings for Vayden. My dad is also the only person in our family that has had a clear dream about Vayden.

Varen Jacob

Coming to California in March was the first time my dad got to meet Varen and I am so happy that we came when we did. I don't have a billion pictures of dad with Varen but I do have a good amount and this picture above is a photo of Varen giving my dad what he called therapy. He loved this lil guy and I'm so blessed and happy that my dad got to spend some quality time with him.

Vayden, sweety in one month you will be 2 yrs old and you have an amazing grandpa there with you, show him around and let him meet all your lil angel friends and Micheal Jackson too. :)

Take care of him when he has those sad days and show him that window you look out of that shows you how everyone is doing. Watch over everyone but especially your nanny because she's had grampie since she was 13 yrs old and it's going to be hard for her to be without him. I have so many reasons to want to be where you are but i'll wait til it's time and you and grampie are ready for me.

In honor and paying my respects I love you so much daddy and Vayden you are always and will always be my heart. May you both rest in peace.

Happy 23 months Vayden and daddy I love you.

Slowing down....Passing the torch

It's been 22 months since we said goodbye to our sweet Vayden, and in 22 months so much has changed. After nearly 2 yrs without him and rainbow baby to shine light on my gloomy days I can honestly say I'm alive again. But it only takes a moment to get that feeling and remember that I lost something precious. I often read through my old blog post to relive those raw emotions that I had while carrying to term and after the loss. I'm so glad I blogged those feelings because here we are almost 2 yrs later and I can smile after telling someone that I've lost a child. Not that I'm happy about my loss, but the smile means I'm ok, and can talk about it.

There have been many mothers before me and there are so many after me, most are like myself and after their loss just want to help. My Very Own Angel was my way of helping and in almost 2 yrs I did so much. I feel like I've honored Vayden's memory in an amazing way. But I bite off a little more than I can chew. I'm an Air Force Wife with a toddler and a new baby, when I started MVOA Vashon was able to play alone for a few hours while I worked and I was forgetful of the fact that we may move at a moments notice. My children need me in a way right now that even gives me limited time to blog and although most of my great blog buddies chose blogging over sleep, I'm just not ready to give up the little sleep I get. But more than anything I'm not able to give MVOA the correct amount of attention that it needs, it's like another child. It's my Vayden. I tossed and turned for months crying and begging Vayden to not be upset with me, I wanted him to understand that as much as I love him and miss him daily I needed to be a great mother to his brothers and maybe it was time to pass the torch.

While I'm up at night nursing I read through infant loss blogs from my smart phone and these women are amazing. I see myself in all of them, so ready to give back, hurting but thankful. Many of them have started their own small foundation like MVOA and I must say this is the only situation where the competition is not competition and the more the merrier. We need to get the word out about infant loss, the hard part is when your own life has to continue to grow around 2 yrs later. Varen deserves the same first year that his brothers were given. And MVOA deserves proper attention because a new mother who is carrying to term doesn't want to hear that I took 2 weeks to respond to her email because both my kids and husband were sick.

One day I went upstairs to look at all the things that have accomplished in the 2 yrs since losing Vayden, within minutes I got conformation from Vayden that it was ok to slow down on MVOA . The many newspaper clippings, the new station interviews, the amazing t-shirts, the booklets with his face on them, the bears, the blogs, the links, the speaking engagements that I've done and most of all the Thank You notes and emails, from people that have lost children and even those who have not.

I've made the decision to put on hold selling individual shirts and I will not be creating a new logo or design at the moment. I am going to also hold off sending CTT comfort packages, military life keeps me busy and also moving a lot. I am going to continue to donate teddy bears to local hospitals in Oklahoma City. The website will stay up it's full of wonderful useful information to mothers carrying out fatal pregnancies. And because Vayden will always be my son, when time is more on my side I will come back and be able to give this foundation the much needed attention it deserves without missing the precious moments with my earth family.

I have peace about this and I know that Vayden was proud of me from the day I said I would "carry to term" everything else is just icing on his cake.

Here's to 22 months of being a mom to an angel, Vayden you will always hold a special place in my heart.

p.s. this blog is not going anywhere.

Every Photo Misses You

Vayden today you are 21 months old and I am one very busy mommy. Your brothers keep me very busy, but I think about you all the time and actually get to tell your story more now with Varen being here.

Me and your daddy often talk about how crazy our house would be with all 3 of you, it's a thought that makes us shake our heads in fear of how we would survive with three crazy boys. But it is also a bitter sweet thought, you would have been our last, but I cannot imagine my life without all 3 of you, and I wish you were here.

I miss you in all the pictures the boys take together, I miss being able to introduce my boys in order and say "this is Vashon, Vayden, and Varen" I worked really hard on your names and I feel cheated sometimes. I wish it were easier to explain to people that Varen is not my 2nd child even though to outsiders looking in, I have only two children.

I'm still waiting for that glimpse from Heaven to see what you look like now, but you'll forever be my baby Vayden.

Here are some pictures of your brothers, get a look at the face on Varen in the picture above. (Lol) he's a silly boy.

21 months today sweet Vayden and we miss you everyday, thank you for watching over me, daddy, Vashon and Varen. You are an awesome son and brother.

My We've Come So Far

20 months without you sweet Vayden, I can't believe it's been almost 2yrs. I look at myself, my life, and my marriage and I see how so much has changed. I am a different person, I am still far from perfect but I am better. I have grown up since losing you. It's amazing to see the person I was compared to the person I am today. I thank you for it all, even my crazy germaphobe, and untrustworthy ways. Sure now days almost no one is allowed to babysit your brothers but I guess because of you I'm more aware.

I miss you everyday and wish you were here to join your brothers, I get to tell your story so much more now because people often ask if I want to try a "third" time for a girl. I reply "no this is my third" and then your story is told. You will continue to touch the hearts of so many people. But your family you will live in our hearts forever.

I love you so much Vayden

Happy 20th Heavenly Month baby boy.

My Testimony

I've always been a believer, but for a long time God sheltered me from the hardships of life and the true downfalls that cause people to question their faith. I was blessed with a wonderful family and tragedy was a word that was rarely used. I was a child who met my great grandparents, I MET my GREAT GRANDPARENTS, most people aren't that blessed. But like many I didn't know how truly blessed I was, like many I took my blessings for granted and like many a relationship with Christ was only necessary when things went wrong. Sure I prayed the same routine daily prayer from my childhood, I knew it so well I could have done it in my sleep.


2009 came and I had high hopes for my future I was pregnant with what I was sure was my baby girl and I had a good life, I imagined myself with my two perfect kids, and being the air force wife that I never wanted to be and then within a moment my life changed. "Your baby has a LOWER URINARY TRACT OBSTRUCTION" is what the Dr. said to me. Words like FATAL, SURGERY, KIDNEYS, FAILED, and DEATH is what I read online. My soon to be daughter was in fact a boy who was fighting a condition that could end his life before it even started.


Of course with my history of faith I began to pray, I prayed every minute of every hour and even now knowing how amazing God is I realize that I was praying for the wrong thing in the wrong way. How dare I spend years putting little or no thought into my prayers and at the sign of trouble my prayers become more detailed and heavy. To me everything was a sign that God was working in our favor, when I found out that the LUTO was not genetic I praised him, but when I went every week to see the progress and to find that his bladder was still enlarged I questioned God.


Intervention went on week by week and finally fetal surgery was an option, and I just knew God had eyes for me, my baby was going to be a miracle God answered my prayers. Fetal surgery failed and once again the praises turned to questions and I couldn't figure out what God was doing. I see now 1 yr later that he was molding me and using Vayden to show me that every baby is a miracle and every day that a woman is blessed to carry a child is a blessing and an answered prayer. So while Vayden was still sick inside me, he was still kicking me to let me know he was there and God has blessed me with another day with him.


The tragic week came in my 5th month of pregnancy when the Dr. phoned me to tell me that Vayden's condition was getting worse and that intervention was going to stop. I questioned God once again, and then questioned my faith for a short moment. Intentionally I took the high road to please those around me, I was a wife and a mother and I had to be strong for my family. But something amazing happened to me one day when God spoke to me and told me that my baby would die, but even in that darkest time God would stand with me. Many times Dr.'s would tell me that my baby would die and every time I refused to hear them, and refused to accept it, but when God spoke those words to me I had peace with his choice, I didn't have understanding, but I did have peace.

I stopped praying for a miracle and started praying for time, minutes, hours, or even days, I just wanted time with my baby. My prayers were granted when sweet Vayden James Stewart was born on May 23,2009 at midnight and stayed with us until 3:45am. 3 hours and 45 min, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world and I knew that God is real.

The dark days began that early morning and God kept his word and stood with me during the rainy days and stormy nights. He worked through me and I was inspired to create My Very Own Angel and bless many other women and families that unfortunately suffer infant loss.

But God wasn't done keeping his promises, and I wasn't done praising him. I read the story of Job daily for inspiration and I looked at myself as a modern day Job, and just as Job did, I was not going to turn my back on God even with the darkest most lonely days coming at me from left and right. I stayed faithful to his word, while others felt the time I had with Vayden was unfair, I praised God for that time.

"God has to prepare you for your promotion" - Pastor Ron McKey

I knew my promotion was coming because life was getting harder and the enemy whispered in my ear daily. I fought his words and continued on my path with Jesus and then I became pregnant again. While I was supposed to be in fear and worry of the life expectancy of my unborn child. I trusted God and before I even knew my official due date, I thanked him for the happy, healthy, whole, beautiful child that he has now blessed me with, that WILL come home with me.

"God Keeps all his promises" - Pastor Ron McKey

2009 was the darkest year for me, and although it was painful, full of tears and sometimes anger, I didn't walk that year alone, God was there with me hurting with me, angry with me and crying with me. I did all of this as preparation for my BIG promotion.

2010 was a wonderful year, with my faith high as a kite I entered into a rainbow pregnancy with little fear or worry, when I would have a dark day I would remind myself that God keeps all his promises and I that I was ready for my promotion. I would even remind God of what he promised me that day he told me that my baby would die. I carried on a pretty uneventful healthy and normal pregnancy and in November I gave birth to a healthy beautiful, whole baby boy, that came home with me.

I will never be able to question if there is a God, because I know there is. I can now honestly say that FAITH is real, because when people ask me how did I make it through a pregnancy after the loss all I say is FAITH.

I call 2010 my testimony year, in that year I learned so much about how good God is.

Vayden - The Shining Star

- Vayden I'm sorry I didn't get this post up on the 23rd, your baby brother seems to have a case of colic and I had to make a choice with the little time I do get, to sleep or blog. Sleep won.


Vayden you have been busy, seems like even with your baby brothers long awaited appearance you still found a way to steal a little of his shine. I'm so very proud of you, here we are 19 months past losing you and the media is still paying attention to something that is often overlooked. In OKC you are famous. I imagine that in a few years your name will be on the top baby names list, because all I ever hear is how much people love the name Vayden.


So to the readers, I've done another news segment this time with KOCO 5 News in OKC, this is the story of hope after a loss .You can click on the photo below to see the news segment.


I also did a local article for the on base newspaper the Tinker Take Off. You can click the photo below to view that article.



I am also doing a follow up newspaper article for the local newspaper here in OKC which is supposed to run on Christmas day. This is going to be a follow up from my interview back in Oct 2009. Once that runs I will create a post that highlights every interview that has been done.

Vayden I know you play with your baby brother often because when he sleeps he smiles so much. I look at him and I'm often jealous because I know that he knows you, even more than I do. It's so nice to have an angel watching over you, but even better when your angel is family.

We love you and miss you.

I Have So Much to be THANKFUL For

I was unable to write on Vayden's 18th month heavenly marker, I was recovering for child birth. Yes Vayden's little brother Varen Jacob Stewart made his grand appearance November 21st, 2010 @ 1:57pm. He was 6 lb even and 17.5" long. He was my biggest baby and held out the longest waiting until 36 wks 5 days before demanding out.

I thank God and Vayden for watching over Varen and bringing him into this world happy and healthy. Varen is a bit of a lazy baby and has to be fed with an aid because he sleeps all day and all night so we are not getting a lucky break, while my husband finger feeds him I am pumping breast milk. But other than that Varen is doing well and he is a wonderful testimony to how great God really is.

Here is a picture of our family. We miss Vayden, but always include him.

I will write Varen's birth story on my family blog soon. We've just been so busy.

What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months

Vayden,

Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

Walk To Remember

Today was the annual Walk to Remember for the hospital where Vayden was delivered. This was my 2nd time attending since losing Vayden and I hope to continue to attend every year.



Van was unable to attend last years walk because he was deployed, so in his place my mother came into town to walk with me to remember Vayden. She was unable to come this year, and it was ok, because Van was going to attend until his TDY return date was pushed back at the last minute. I was beyond heartbroken at the thought of having to attend the walk alone, the MOST important thing needed while grieving a loss is support. I was prepared to go alone but definitely didn't want to. I posted about my bad news on Facebook and some of my dear local friends reached out to me offering to join me at the Walk to Remember. I have to say giving up a few hours of your Saturday morning to come out and show your support for my angel is an amazing thing. I am once again sure that there are walking angels in this world.

Getting ready for the walk I painted Vayden's foot print stamp and placed it on my face


At the Walk to Remember with Vashon and baby VJS3

Brenna (pink) and Desirre (white) are two AF wives that I've met just being at Tinker. These two girls are amazing and so supportive, I swear if they ever needed anything I would stop, drop and roll for them. They haven't even known me for more than a year and they came out and supported me and my angel like we've been long time best friends. Brenna actually also gave her time to stay at my house the day of Vayden's memorial service to watch all the kids, so the parents could attend and focus on the service. *Walking angels for sure.*

I met Erin through the OU Family Advisory Council, she's never lost a child, but her son Henry has an amazing story of HLHS. As soon as I posted about Van not being able to make it, she let me know that her and her family would be out at the walk. Again someone I haven't even known a full year lending her time and support to give me that huge smile I have on my face. If the world could only be filled with amazing people like this.

Here is a pic of Vashon and the pond wearing his "My little Brother is an Angel in Heaven" shirt with a stamp of Vayden foot print on the bottom of it.

So I did get a little emotional at the walk, maybe it's the hormones or the fact that Van couldn't be there, but as we watched each pebble make a ripple I saw a HUGE group of people wearing the same t-shirts preparing to take a group photo. It made me really miss having my family so close. I know that if this would have been in my home town we would have had the largest group, I know it's not about the size of the group but the love they all have, I guess I was just a little jealous of the support those two parents had.

At the end of the walk we took one last photo and it came out amazing and even though my group was small, and not my family, they mean so much to me and I am so grateful that they came out to show their support for our family and for Vayden.

16 Months in Heaven

Time keeps passing and I often worry how long will I be able to keep Vayden's memory alive. I know he's always in my heart and always on my mind, but without those growing milestones. How will Vayden's memory stay fresh in the hearts and minds of all the people that love him?

I love my angel mommy blog friends, we all help each other by sharing ideas and memory keepsakes of our angels.








I got the idea to get a stamp of Vayden's footprint made from Holly, who used a stamp of her angel's hand print on one of her maternity pictures. That alone was an amazing idea, and it just got me thinking about all the many other ways I could use Vayden's footprint stamp.

I ordered this custom made stamp from www.simonstamp.com it was very easy, the price was great and they were fast to deliver it. I measured the print that I scanned of his actual footprint and asked them to make the stamp the same size. I love the detail that is in the stamp, so exact to his actual footprint. I plan to order another one in a smaller size which will be used when we sign our names in cards and what not. Receiving this stamp gave our family a new way to keep Vayden's memory alive. We miss him so much.

Happy 16th month in Heaven sweet baby. We love you