Through My Mothers Eyes ...... Vayden's Story

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

2011-06-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

So it's been 2 yrs 1 month since my sweet Vayden passed away and every day I find myself adjusting and understanding what is now normal in my life. It's normal for me to tell people that ask that I have 3 children. It's normal for them to question the 3 when they only see 2 and are told that Vashon is my 1st and Varen in my last. Telling Vayden's story to strangers is like telling them my name. I don't blink, hang my head or get teary eyed anymore. It's also normal for me to try to include Vayden in our daily lives, but it's also getting hard.

Does time heal all wounds?

I think it does. I still have the scars from my loss, those will never go away. I see them everyday, I'm reminded everyday that one of my kids is no longer with me. But sometimes I forget the pain I went through while carrying Vayden, and sometimes I forget the pain I went through in the early months after the loss. I sometimes read over my posts from the past, the rawness of the words I wrote, the feelings I had. Even I am brought to tears, I understand why people say they can't read my blog or when they do all they do is cry. The honesty of those emotions even bring me to tears. I can't even believe I felt those things, I can't even believe I went through that. Then I glance over at Vayden's photo on my shelf and all I can do is hang my head a little low and miss my baby.

It's a catch 22 because I know in my heart that if Vayden were here, Varen would not be here. So I don't know, am I blessed because I've had the pleasure of carrying and giving birth to 3 wonderful beautiful boys ? or Would I have been blessed with just Vashon and Vayden and never having to experience such a great loss? I guess I would say I'm blessed to have been able to have all 3 of my boys even if Vayden was only for a short time.

So when will my broken heart mend? Probably the day I see Vayden again.

25 months without you my sweet love.

In 2 yrs you've touched so many lives

2011-05-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday Vayden. This experience has taught me so much, it has built me into such a different person. Many people tell me how strong I am. How if faced with the same situation they would not be able to get through it like I have. I suppose I would have said the same thing before it happened to me, but I thank them for their kind words. I had no idea what to write about on your 2nd angel day, there is a certain calm I have now that 2 yrs have past. I miss you like crazy, wish you were here, but I know you had a bigger and better purpose. Today I googled your name and was pleasantly surprised to find the entire first page full of links to this blog or My Very Own Angel stuff. I also came across the links of all the media we've done for you. I was shocked at how many times we've done a new segment or article. You will surely never be forgotten, with such a unique name and beautiful face, you were truly too perfect for earth. I gathered all the links to every media article we've done over the last two years and placed them in each of the 7 photos on this post. (click each photo it will take you to the links of each story)

Although I've slowed down the activity of My Very Own Angel, I still have teddy bear donations scheduled for this year and plan to regain activity once my busy life slows down a little and my living children are a bit older. In 2 yrs we've donated over 345 teddy bears to local Oklahoma City Hospitals, sent out over 20 carrying to term comfort packages. There are so many women wearing "I Have My Very Own Angel " t-shirts and the website full of wonderful useful information on carrying to term is a will still be active.

Vayden James Stewart was born May 23,2009 @ Midnight and lived for 3 hrs and 45 min

Vayden has an older brother Vashon Jordan, and now a younger brother Varen Jacob.

Vayden & and his Grandfather

2011-04-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 23rd month without my sweet baby Vayden. He received a wonderful early 2nd birthday gift by having his only grandpa join him in Heaven.

It is with sadness that I have to tell you all that my father (Marvin James Nolan) has passed away. I'm currently in California visiting my family with the boys, I've been here since early March. When I got here my parents told me that it was a high possibility that my dad had cancer. We were unsure of the stage and primary site at the time. After a few weeks of test it was found last Friday that it was pancreatic cancer that had spread to the colon, omentum and liver. It was in a very severe stage and they gave him 6 months to live.

On Monday he was having severe pain and went to the ER at that visit the 6 month prognosis changed to 2 months. Yesterday peacefully at home among his family my daddy took his last breath and went to sleep.

Many of you may know my father had other pre existing conditions and has been in a wheel chair for the greater part of his adult life. He has been through a lot medically, while he's also lived a great life full of many achievements. He was an amazing daddy and I have always been very close to him. I'm glad I was here with him to enjoy his last times together. I'm also glad that he is no longer in pain. But I do miss him so so very much.

My dad has now had the pleasure of meeting all of his grandchildren from me.

Vashon Jordan

He was there in the delivery room when Vashon was born. He calls him Koo Koo and the rides in his electric wheel chair he calls the Cadillac will be something that Vashon will always remember. Vashon is daddy's first grandchild. His pride and joy. And I am blessed to have many many photos of them together.

Vayden James

Vayden was named to honor my father and to keep the J in our lil complex of having VJS kids. My dad spoke to Vayden while I was pregnant but was unable to come to Oklahoma when he was born. He's still so very special to him and my dad purchased a lil angel statue that had moving wings for Vayden. My dad is also the only person in our family that has had a clear dream about Vayden.

Varen Jacob

Coming to California in March was the first time my dad got to meet Varen and I am so happy that we came when we did. I don't have a billion pictures of dad with Varen but I do have a good amount and this picture above is a photo of Varen giving my dad what he called therapy. He loved this lil guy and I'm so blessed and happy that my dad got to spend some quality time with him.

Vayden, sweety in one month you will be 2 yrs old and you have an amazing grandpa there with you, show him around and let him meet all your lil angel friends and Micheal Jackson too. :)

Take care of him when he has those sad days and show him that window you look out of that shows you how everyone is doing. Watch over everyone but especially your nanny because she's had grampie since she was 13 yrs old and it's going to be hard for her to be without him. I have so many reasons to want to be where you are but i'll wait til it's time and you and grampie are ready for me.

In honor and paying my respects I love you so much daddy and Vayden you are always and will always be my heart. May you both rest in peace.

Happy 23 months Vayden and daddy I love you.

Slowing down....Passing the torch

2011-03-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

It's been 22 months since we said goodbye to our sweet Vayden, and in 22 months so much has changed. After nearly 2 yrs without him and rainbow baby to shine light on my gloomy days I can honestly say I'm alive again. But it only takes a moment to get that feeling and remember that I lost something precious. I often read through my old blog post to relive those raw emotions that I had while carrying to term and after the loss. I'm so glad I blogged those feelings because here we are almost 2 yrs later and I can smile after telling someone that I've lost a child. Not that I'm happy about my loss, but the smile means I'm ok, and can talk about it.

There have been many mothers before me and there are so many after me, most are like myself and after their loss just want to help. My Very Own Angel was my way of helping and in almost 2 yrs I did so much. I feel like I've honored Vayden's memory in an amazing way. But I bite off a little more than I can chew. I'm an Air Force Wife with a toddler and a new baby, when I started MVOA Vashon was able to play alone for a few hours while I worked and I was forgetful of the fact that we may move at a moments notice. My children need me in a way right now that even gives me limited time to blog and although most of my great blog buddies chose blogging over sleep, I'm just not ready to give up the little sleep I get. But more than anything I'm not able to give MVOA the correct amount of attention that it needs, it's like another child. It's my Vayden. I tossed and turned for months crying and begging Vayden to not be upset with me, I wanted him to understand that as much as I love him and miss him daily I needed to be a great mother to his brothers and maybe it was time to pass the torch.

While I'm up at night nursing I read through infant loss blogs from my smart phone and these women are amazing. I see myself in all of them, so ready to give back, hurting but thankful. Many of them have started their own small foundation like MVOA and I must say this is the only situation where the competition is not competition and the more the merrier. We need to get the word out about infant loss, the hard part is when your own life has to continue to grow around 2 yrs later. Varen deserves the same first year that his brothers were given. And MVOA deserves proper attention because a new mother who is carrying to term doesn't want to hear that I took 2 weeks to respond to her email because both my kids and husband were sick.

One day I went upstairs to look at all the things that have accomplished in the 2 yrs since losing Vayden, within minutes I got conformation from Vayden that it was ok to slow down on MVOA . The many newspaper clippings, the new station interviews, the amazing t-shirts, the booklets with his face on them, the bears, the blogs, the links, the speaking engagements that I've done and most of all the Thank You notes and emails, from people that have lost children and even those who have not.

I've made the decision to put on hold selling individual shirts and I will not be creating a new logo or design at the moment. I am going to also hold off sending CTT comfort packages, military life keeps me busy and also moving a lot. I am going to continue to donate teddy bears to local hospitals in Oklahoma City. The website will stay up it's full of wonderful useful information to mothers carrying out fatal pregnancies. And because Vayden will always be my son, when time is more on my side I will come back and be able to give this foundation the much needed attention it deserves without missing the precious moments with my earth family.

I have peace about this and I know that Vayden was proud of me from the day I said I would "carry to term" everything else is just icing on his cake.

Here's to 22 months of being a mom to an angel, Vayden you will always hold a special place in my heart.

p.s. this blog is not going anywhere.

Every Photo Misses You

2011-02-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

Vayden today you are 21 months old and I am one very busy mommy. Your brothers keep me very busy, but I think about you all the time and actually get to tell your story more now with Varen being here.

Me and your daddy often talk about how crazy our house would be with all 3 of you, it's a thought that makes us shake our heads in fear of how we would survive with three crazy boys. But it is also a bitter sweet thought, you would have been our last, but I cannot imagine my life without all 3 of you, and I wish you were here.

I miss you in all the pictures the boys take together, I miss being able to introduce my boys in order and say "this is Vashon, Vayden, and Varen" I worked really hard on your names and I feel cheated sometimes. I wish it were easier to explain to people that Varen is not my 2nd child even though to outsiders looking in, I have only two children.

I'm still waiting for that glimpse from Heaven to see what you look like now, but you'll forever be my baby Vayden.

Here are some pictures of your brothers, get a look at the face on Varen in the picture above. (Lol) he's a silly boy.

21 months today sweet Vayden and we miss you everyday, thank you for watching over me, daddy, Vashon and Varen. You are an awesome son and brother.

My We've Come So Far

2011-01-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

20 months without you sweet Vayden, I can't believe it's been almost 2yrs. I look at myself, my life, and my marriage and I see how so much has changed. I am a different person, I am still far from perfect but I am better. I have grown up since losing you. It's amazing to see the person I was compared to the person I am today. I thank you for it all, even my crazy germaphobe, and untrustworthy ways. Sure now days almost no one is allowed to babysit your brothers but I guess because of you I'm more aware.

I miss you everyday and wish you were here to join your brothers, I get to tell your story so much more now because people often ask if I want to try a "third" time for a girl. I reply "no this is my third" and then your story is told. You will continue to touch the hearts of so many people. But your family you will live in our hearts forever.

I love you so much Vayden

Happy 20th Heavenly Month baby boy.

My Testimony

2011-01-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

I've always been a believer, but for a long time God sheltered me from the hardships of life and the true downfalls that cause people to question their faith. I was blessed with a wonderful family and tragedy was a word that was rarely used. I was a child who met my great grandparents, I MET my GREAT GRANDPARENTS, most people aren't that blessed. But like many I didn't know how truly blessed I was, like many I took my blessings for granted and like many a relationship with Christ was only necessary when things went wrong. Sure I prayed the same routine daily prayer from my childhood, I knew it so well I could have done it in my sleep.

2009 came and I had high hopes for my future I was pregnant with what I was sure was my baby girl and I had a good life, I imagined myself with my two perfect kids, and being the air force wife that I never wanted to be and then within a moment my life changed. "Your baby has a LOWER URINARY TRACT OBSTRUCTION" is what the Dr. said to me. Words like FATAL, SURGERY, KIDNEYS, FAILED, and DEATH is what I read online. My soon to be daughter was in fact a boy who was fighting a condition that could end his life before it even started.

Of course with my history of faith I began to pray, I prayed every minute of every hour and even now knowing how amazing God is I realize that I was praying for the wrong thing in the wrong way. How dare I spend years putting little or no thought into my prayers and at the sign of trouble my prayers become more detailed and heavy. To me everything was a sign that God was working in our favor, when I found out that the LUTO was not genetic I praised him, but when I went every week to see the progress and to find that his bladder was still enlarged I questioned God.

Intervention went on week by week and finally fetal surgery was an option, and I just knew God had eyes for me, my baby was going to be a miracle God answered my prayers. Fetal surgery failed and once again the praises turned to questions and I couldn't figure out what God was doing. I see now 1 yr later that he was molding me and using Vayden to show me that every baby is a miracle and every day that a woman is blessed to carry a child is a blessing and an answered prayer. So while Vayden was still sick inside me, he was still kicking me to let me know he was there and God has blessed me with another day with him.

The tragic week came in my 5th month of pregnancy when the Dr. phoned me to tell me that Vayden's condition was getting worse and that intervention was going to stop. I questioned God once again, and then questioned my faith for a short moment. Intentionally I took the high road to please those around me, I was a wife and a mother and I had to be strong for my family. But something amazing happened to me one day when God spoke to me and told me that my baby would die, but even in that darkest time God would stand with me. Many times Dr.'s would tell me that my baby would die and every time I refused to hear them, and refused to accept it, but when God spoke those words to me I had peace with his choice, I didn't have understanding, but I did have peace.

I stopped praying for a miracle and started praying for time, minutes, hours, or even days, I just wanted time with my baby. My prayers were granted when sweet Vayden James Stewart was born on May 23,2009 at midnight and stayed with us until 3:45am. 3 hours and 45 min, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world and I knew that God is real.

The dark days began that early morning and God kept his word and stood with me during the rainy days and stormy nights. He worked through me and I was inspired to create My Very Own Angel and bless many other women and families that unfortunately suffer infant loss.

But God wasn't done keeping his promises, and I wasn't done praising him. I read the story of Job daily for inspiration and I looked at myself as a modern day Job, and just as Job did, I was not going to turn my back on God even with the darkest most lonely days coming at me from left and right. I stayed faithful to his word, while others felt the time I had with Vayden was unfair, I praised God for that time.

"God has to prepare you for your promotion" - Pastor Ron McKey

I knew my promotion was coming because life was getting harder and the enemy whispered in my ear daily. I fought his words and continued on my path with Jesus and then I became pregnant again. While I was supposed to be in fear and worry of the life expectancy of my unborn child. I trusted God and before I even knew my official due date, I thanked him for the happy, healthy, whole, beautiful child that he has now blessed me with, that WILL come home with me.

"God Keeps all his promises" - Pastor Ron McKey

2009 was the darkest year for me, and although it was painful, full of tears and sometimes anger, I didn't walk that year alone, God was there with me hurting with me, angry with me and crying with me. I did all of this as preparation for my BIG promotion.

2010 was a wonderful year, with my faith high as a kite I entered into a rainbow pregnancy with little fear or worry, when I would have a dark day I would remind myself that God keeps all his promises and I that I was ready for my promotion. I would even remind God of what he promised me that day he told me that my baby would die. I carried on a pretty uneventful healthy and normal pregnancy and in November I gave birth to a healthy beautiful, whole baby boy, that came home with me.

I will never be able to question if there is a God, because I know there is. I can now honestly say that FAITH is real, because when people ask me how did I make it through a pregnancy after the loss all I say is FAITH.

I call 2010 my testimony year, in that year I learned so much about how good God is.

Vayden - The Shining Star

2010-12-24T02:50:00.000-08:00

- Vayden I'm sorry I didn't get this post up on the 23rd, your baby brother seems to have a case of colic and I had to make a choice with the little time I do get, to sleep or blog. Sleep won.

Vayden you have been busy, seems like even with your baby brothers long awaited appearance you still found a way to steal a little of his shine. I'm so very proud of you, here we are 19 months past losing you and the media is still paying attention to something that is often overlooked. In OKC you are famous. I imagine that in a few years your name will be on the top baby names list, because all I ever hear is how much people love the name Vayden.

So to the readers, I've done another news segment this time with KOCO 5 News in OKC, this is the story of hope after a loss .You can click on the photo below to see the news segment.

I also did a local article for the on base newspaper the Tinker Take Off. You can click the photo below to view that article.

I am also doing a follow up newspaper article for the local newspaper here in OKC which is supposed to run on Christmas day. This is going to be a follow up from my interview back in Oct 2009. Once that runs I will create a post that highlights every interview that has been done.

Vayden I know you play with your baby brother often because when he sleeps he smiles so much. I look at him and I'm often jealous because I know that he knows you, even more than I do. It's so nice to have an angel watching over you, but even better when your angel is family.

We love you and miss you.

I Have So Much to be THANKFUL For

2010-11-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

I was unable to write on Vayden's 18th month heavenly marker, I was recovering for child birth. Yes Vayden's little brother Varen Jacob Stewart made his grand appearance November 21st, 2010 @ 1:57pm. He was 6 lb even and 17.5" long. He was my biggest baby and held out the longest waiting until 36 wks 5 days before demanding out.

I thank God and Vayden for watching over Varen and bringing him into this world happy and healthy. Varen is a bit of a lazy baby and has to be fed with an aid because he sleeps all day and all night so we are not getting a lucky break, while my husband finger feeds him I am pumping breast milk. But other than that Varen is doing well and he is a wonderful testimony to how great God really is.

Here is a picture of our family. We miss Vayden, but always include him.

I will write Varen's birth story on my family blog soon. We've just been so busy.

What Losing You Has Done To Me - 17 months

2010-10-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

Vayden,

Today you would have been 17 months old. I often tell people that the 17th and 18th months are my favorite times with children, they walk, but not fast enough to run away, the talk, but not good enough to talk back. This age is when a child becomes a toddler without being a terrible toddler, still small enough to cuddle but old enough to do some things on their own. It's the perfect age.

Your brother often asks me to play with him, the games he plays are strange and for some reason I never play right, in between cooking or cleaning, I stop in to play but can't do it all the time. I have to say "no" a lot and it breaks my heart because you would be the perfect age to play with him. I know you two would fight but what siblings don't? When we drive I often imagine the two of you back there, fussing and fighting, laughing and giggling, you were still my idea of the perfect family . In many things Vashon does I think of you, we have all been effected by the loss and we all miss you.

Your baby brother is still doing well and I thank you for looking after him, but losing you has changed the excitement of a new baby. God has blessed me to have a very active baby in my tummy so I don't worry as much, but I can't help but worry about him and even more so when he comes home. We're starting to get things ready around the house for him to come home, but I still can't help but hesitate or save receipts. Losing you has made me a germaphobe, crazy, worry-wart of a mother. And the closer I get to having your brother the more bitter I seem to become about you not being here, it would have been wonderful to have all 3 of you here. I love you and miss you so much. I know where you are and I know you are safe, which does bring great comfort but

Losing you has changed me.

Walk To Remember

2010-10-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today was the annual Walk to Remember for the hospital where Vayden was delivered. This was my 2nd time attending since losing Vayden and I hope to continue to attend every year.

Van was unable to attend last years walk because he was deployed, so in his place my mother came into town to walk with me to remember Vayden. She was unable to come this year, and it was ok, because Van was going to attend until his TDY return date was pushed back at the last minute. I was beyond heartbroken at the thought of having to attend the walk alone, the MOST important thing needed while grieving a loss is support. I was prepared to go alone but definitely didn't want to. I posted about my bad news on Facebook and some of my dear local friends reached out to me offering to join me at the Walk to Remember. I have to say giving up a few hours of your Saturday morning to come out and show your support for my angel is an amazing thing. I am once again sure that there are walking angels in this world.

Getting ready for the walk I painted Vayden's foot print stamp and placed it on my face

At the Walk to Remember with Vashon and baby VJS3

Brenna (pink) and Desirre (white) are two AF wives that I've met just being at Tinker. These two girls are amazing and so supportive, I swear if they ever needed anything I would stop, drop and roll for them. They haven't even known me for more than a year and they came out and supported me and my angel like we've been long time best friends. Brenna actually also gave her time to stay at my house the day of Vayden's memorial service to watch all the kids, so the parents could attend and focus on the service. *Walking angels for sure.*

I met Erin through the OU Family Advisory Council, she's never lost a child, but her son Henry has an amazing story of HLHS. As soon as I posted about Van not being able to make it, she let me know that her and her family would be out at the walk. Again someone I haven't even known a full year lending her time and support to give me that huge smile I have on my face. If the world could only be filled with amazing people like this.

Here is a pic of Vashon and the pond wearing his "My little Brother is an Angel in Heaven" shirt with a stamp of Vayden foot print on the bottom of it.

So I did get a little emotional at the walk, maybe it's the hormones or the fact that Van couldn't be there, but as we watched each pebble make a ripple I saw a HUGE group of people wearing the same t-shirts preparing to take a group photo. It made me really miss having my family so close. I know that if this would have been in my home town we would have had the largest group, I know it's not about the size of the group but the love they all have, I guess I was just a little jealous of the support those two parents had.

At the end of the walk we took one last photo and it came out amazing and even though my group was small, and not my family, they mean so much to me and I am so grateful that they came out to show their support for our family and for Vayden.

16 Months in Heaven

2010-09-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

Time keeps passing and I often worry how long will I be able to keep Vayden's memory alive. I know he's always in my heart and always on my mind, but without those growing milestones. How will Vayden's memory stay fresh in the hearts and minds of all the people that love him?

I love my angel mommy blog friends, we all help each other by sharing ideas and memory keepsakes of our angels.

I got the idea to get a stamp of Vayden's footprint made from Holly, who used a stamp of her angel's hand print on one of her maternity pictures. That alone was an amazing idea, and it just got me thinking about all the many other ways I could use Vayden's footprint stamp.

I ordered this custom made stamp from www.simonstamp.com it was very easy, the price was great and they were fast to deliver it. I measured the print that I scanned of his actual footprint and asked them to make the stamp the same size. I love the detail that is in the stamp, so exact to his actual footprint. I plan to order another one in a smaller size which will be used when we sign our names in cards and what not. Receiving this stamp gave our family a new way to keep Vayden's memory alive. We miss him so much.

Happy 16th month in Heaven sweet baby. We love you

God's Timing

2010-08-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

Happy 15th months in Heaven sweet Vayden, although this post is for you I'm also taking the time to pay my respects to another sweet angel that was welcomed into Heaven just a few days ago. I hope that you are showing him around & being nice, he is a friend of the family.

Before losing Vayden I tried my hardest to look at death as God's Timing, a way to sweeten the bitterness of the loss. But I really only felt that way in peaceful cases of loss, the things you read and see on the news always make me wonder about using the phrase "God's Timing". I was taught to not question God on anything he does. He is my father, I am to obey and he knows what is right for me. When Vayden died I never questioned him but I did let him know how I felt about the situation. So much has come out of Vayden's death, some good, some bad but understanding his loss was easy for me. Justifying his case that it was all in God's Timing is easy, but what happens when it's not?

A friend of the family found their 3 yr old son in the pool a few days ago, this was an accident, a very tragic accident. When I was pregnant I would always focus on a few major facts....that Vayden was a planned pregnancy and that I did everything right. People often want to assume that maybe I was on something or I caused Vayden to have what he had. It's important that they understand that even good parents have a stroke of bad luck every now and then. This is also the case with this family, great parents and then in a moment bad luck.

The night we found out I couldn't sleep, my heart ached for the family but I sat unsettled with God that evening. I just couldn't get it! For the first time I actually asked "Why?". I felt horrible about it as we drove to visit the family on Sunday but I couldn't shake the feeling that passing everything off as "God's Timing" and "God's Will" would make things better. I understand that he wont come back, and I know I'm not going to get an answer. I also know that this may bring something beautiful to the world just as Vayden's loss brought My Very Own Angel.

It just breaks my heart every time I think about it and it opened up a new door for my journey through grief and healing, because on that day I really realized that there is a difference in each case of loss. There we sat with a family that also lost their 2nd son, we were supposed to know their pain, but Van and I both were without words. We knew that although we had something in common we lacked the unfortunate experience they went through. Our son died peacefully in our arms, and their son did not.

I now see that I'm great to support a family that is faced with carrying to term or early infant loss, but I'm still uneasy with using the phrase "God's Timing" in other cases of loss that involve children and tragic events.

God please hold on tight to this family as they walk this journey through loss, grief and healing.

I Will Never Be Her

2010-08-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a baby shower for a friend, and although I'm just a few months behind her in my pregnancy I will never be her. I'm glad that Vayden's baby brother is 100% healthy and I do have high hopes for this pregnancy, it's delivery and him...but worry does present itself every now and then. I will never be that new mother so excited and worry free.

I met another mother who told me that 4 weeks before her only daughter was to be born after having two boys her husband got the old snip snip. 4 weeks BEFORE the baby was here, all I could think is how brave they were to take such a permanent step before the baby was born. With all that I know now I'm pretty much against surgical birth control and I'll never be her either.

I always love the woman that buys the bedding and all the clothes, removes the tags and tosses the receipts before the baby is born.........Sure I have clothes and I know what bed set I want, but because I will never be her, I've been procrastinating buying it.

I Will Never Be Her

An Honor to Vayden and a Wonderful Non Profit

2010-08-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

In late July, a local news station contacted me requesting I do a story about Vayden and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I LOVE the organization and everything they do and I was ready to help them in their quest to spread the word about infant loss and support the cause to give families lasting memories during such a tragic time.

The news segment aired today and they did a wonderful job and I am very pleased. I'm so happy that Vayden's memory lives on even 1 year later. Thank you to the staff at FOX News 25 and above all thank you to all the volunteers of NILMDTS.

(You can view the news segment by clicking the photo of Van, myself and Vayden or the hyperlink above that says FOX News 25 )

Vayden wants to share some news.

2010-07-31T07:55:00.000-07:00

Our angel has been looking after us, he put a special request in to God and we are blessed to know that this baby has been blessed and touched by an angel. Vayden is going to have a little brother. To Grow Up a Stewart I got rid of the blog I was keeping for our rainbow baby and decided to make a general family blog which I would include updates on our current pregnancy as well as Vashon and just our family.

Vayden's blog is not going anywhere, if you only want to know about our pregnancy just click the pregnancy labels and that will take you to all the pregnancy post. Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Vashon Needed His Brother

2010-07-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today marks 14 months for Vayden being in Heaven. We are now 14 months behind schedule of having a complete family, we may never have that "complete" family.

Last night I was sitting on the computer and Vashon was playing in the living room, I over heard him having a conversation with either himself or an imaginary friend. I know that, that is very common for kids his age so it didn't freak me out, but it did make me a little sad. I hate that he has to talk to himself when he could have very well been able to talk with Vayden. I still get upset at how perfect their age gap was, how my two boys would probably fight, but also be the best of friends. I sometime don't have the energy or understanding to play some of the crazy games Vashon wants to play, Vayden would have been perfect to play with him. Even though Vashon is going to get another brother or sister, he still has to wait at least another year for the baby to be any fun, that adds another year to Vashon's age and I fear that he will find the baby too young or immature.

I still think about Vayden daily but my heart doesn't ache for him as often, I think I'm in the process now of grieving for Vashon, he doesn't know how much Vayden would mean to him now, but I do.

My pregnancy is progressing well and I'm 1 week away from the BIG u/s. I have so many feelings about that but will write about it in my other blog.

Happy 14th month sweet Vayden James, Mommy loves you

So What is it Like??

2010-06-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have asked me "What's it like a year later?" I guess a year is supposed to be some huge milestone when it comes to anything. A year on the job, a baby's first year, the 1st year of marriage. All are happy joyful celebrations or accomplishments. So what is a year after loss like?

I think it can be considered a celebration of making it through something that 12 months prior looked foggy and out of focus. I think a year after loss is a positive step towards progressive healing.

Personally for me, a year when I hit a year, I felt this weight lifted off my shoulders. I was comfortable with my loss, understanding of why Vayden had to go, and for the first time truly hopeful for the future. I don't cry when I think of Vayden or even talk about it, I'm less offended by the little things and I understand 100% that I did nothing wrong from the moment I chose to get pregnant to the last few breaths he took.

Today marks the 13th month Vayden has been gone and I'm fine, I know he is so proud of me. I know that I have made him happy and that's all a mother really ever wants to do.

So what's it like? It's peaceful, it's calm, and it's ok.

I love you Vayden.

May 23,2010

2010-06-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

You don't have to tell me how late I am on these pictures I don't know why I couldn't just log on and post the pics from Vayden's actually birthday May 23,2010.

Many people expected us to go all out for Vayden's first birthday, at first I had every intention to, but then I thought about it and decided to do something small, with just the family, so that we could create a tradition that was easy to do every year.

In the previous post you know that Vayden actually gets two days to be remembered, so the majority of our celebration was done on the 22nd, however we did go to Lake Hefner Park, in OK to release balloons for Vayden.

This is a picture of Vashon with his lil brother. His shirt says "My little brother is an angel in Heaven"

Here is a picture of Van and his boys

Ready to go to the park, you know brother bear goes everywhere with us.

We release 4 balloons. 3 blue, 1 for each hour and the white balloon represented the 45 min.

Each Balloon had a special note tied to it for Vayden to read

Me, Vashon and Brother Bear

My mom all the way in Ca remembering Vayden on his birthday

My Dad in Ca, also releasing a balloon for Vayden

This was Vayden's special cake.

Overall his birthday went well, it wasn't as emotional as the day before and there was a sense of calm that I had over me.

Happy 1st year in Heaven Vayden -5/22 - Midnight

2010-05-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a very special day for me, although it wasn't Vayden's actual birthday just 60 sec could have changed that. Last year on May 22nd I was in active labor by 5:30pm. Before my labor truly began or shall I say before it became unbearably painful my family and I went to eat at Chili's. We now plan to visit Chili's every year on the 22nd of May an annual tradition to remember sweet baby Vayden.

My family at the table if you look close between me and Vashon you will see a small picture frame of Vayden

The closer view, always in our hearts, never forgotten

After we ate at Chili's we went to get balloons for our midnight release, but I couldn't help getting a whole balloon bouquet.

We each wrote on one balloon.

(Mommy's)

Vashon's

Daddy's

At midnight Van, myself and Vashon went out to the front of our house to sing Happy Birthday and release 1 balloon and the time of Vayden's birth. It was so windy, that as soon as we let them go they were long gone, but I did get this photo of Vashon getting ready to release his.

We came in the house lit Vayden's special V candle and let it burn for a while, then Vashon blew it out and said to his baby brother "Happy Birthday and I wub you" :)

Wondering how we kept Vashon up so late? Well anyone who knows him knows he's a night time party child, but because we wanted him to be a part of this special day we let him nap late.

Today is Vayden's actual birthday, our plan to to head out to Lake Hefner and have a picnic in the park, release more balloons and remember our sweet son Vayden.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Vayden......Happy Birthday to you.

I love you always, love Mommy

A Year.....

2010-05-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

We made it through a year, seems like the years that you wish would go by slowly always move by so fast. I can remember this day last year like it happened minutes ago, but there is something about making it through the 1st year that takes the edge off your grief. For me this year has been only one long room with no doors, but a few windows. On May 23,2009 I opened a door with the word TRUST on it, it was a decision I made months before I even gave birth to Vayden. After my loss I only had two doors TRUST or FEAR. To trust is to follow God and to fear is to walk the way of the devil. It seemed like choosing the trust door would be without fail, but little did I know that trusting God upsets the enemy and that door would take me through my own personal boot camp.

Once I was in, the only way out was through the windows that showed a glimpse of where I would be had I chosen the opposite door. Of course every time a moment was hard the window would show a glimpse of something great and wonderful. Tricky how the enemy works.

I imagine that once you get through a year, the room is filled with many doors and if you were unhappy with how things went the previous year or you're just ready for change you can open a different door for a second chance. If you're not ready for change you continue on into the door straight ahead.

Yesterday was hard for me, as my mind and body replayed the events of my labor and delivery hour by hour. Many people don't realize but the 22nd of May is when everything happened. Vayden was born at midnight, so the 22nd holds a lot of emotions and memories.

This morning I woke up to the middle of Joel Osteen on TV, he said something that hit me like a brick. "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning" Psalm 30:5. WOW!!!!! as my room filled with doors I knew I had to make a choice of which one I was going to open, but hearing that made everything from this last month and yesterday ok, it made me remember that I chose to trust God and that he's made promises to me that in due time I will see. It made me remember that he's always in control and he knew what he was doing when he took Vayden, so even though I don't understand and I didn't agree with his timing. I know that he is in control, and it's clear that Vayden has been a blessing to not only myself but to many others.

So the year has passed and it's my time to continue my journey, I have carried to term, I have held an angel and I have honored his memory. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been mad, but I've been honest and the door I chose to open is NEW BEGINNINGS..................

Vayden's Other Mom

2010-05-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

My mom was a huge support to me while I was carrying to term. One day she was at my house and we were both having a hard time accepting the news. Through her tears she told me that if Vayden did die, then he would be well taken care of by a woman in Heaven who was not able to have children on earth. To most mothers that would be a bitter saying, but to me it was relief.

I often think of Vayden's other mom, I know she is a loving woman who wanted nothing more on earth but to have children to care for. I know she loves him because she wanted a baby so badly, and because she has never had children she gives him 100 % complete attention. She understands the struggles that come along with having children and she doesn't take one moment with him for granted. I know she tells him all about me, how much I love him and miss him. She often shows him a glimpse of what it's like down here, but because he's so young she's careful not to show him when I cry.

I am often jealous of her, but then thankful that she loves him so much. Knowing he is with her being well taken care of allows me to sleep at night. Knowing that she's honest, humble, and kind, helps me not to cry everyday. Although I don't know her name, or what she looks like. I know one thing, she loves him enough to tell him everyday that I am still his MOM.

If Vayden were here

2010-05-06T10:45:00.001-07:00

Vashon was potty training since September of last year, he became TRAINED in Feb with accidents here and there but nothing that caused me to stress or worry. In this last 2 weeks Vashon has had 1 or 2 accidents a day. I'm a SAHM and I don't know if I'm good at it, Vashon is always clean and taken care of, he's smart and fun, but I've always known how to work and I've been good at that. SAHM blame themselves a lot, well at least I do, if your child is with you everyday all day then whatever he does is your fault good or bad. So we toot our horns when they reach milestones and we hang our head in shame when they embarrass us. Logical thinking tells me it's a toddler thing, and he would do it if he stayed at home or if he went to school. But my mind is so loud and all I can hear when he poops and pee's on himself is FAILURE. So I wonder why is he doing this? A dear friend of mine is a childhood nurse and she is like my super nanny, so I called her to discuss this and just like everything you'll find in a book or online she asked "have we changed anything in his life?" I said "No" other than finding out we were pregnant which we don't talk about a lot in the house. Every now and then if he's jumping around close to me we'll say "mommy has a baby in her belly, so you need to be careful" but we don't just always talk about the new baby.

Day after day he has a poop accident and I wonder every time what is going on in your little head, but today was the day when it really just upset me. While I cleaned the mess off the floor I shouted "if Vayden were here I wouldn't be so mad about this poop" Vayden would be 11 mo old right now and he wouldn't be potty trained so I would be dealing with poop messes already and for some reason in my mind I think it would have made Vashon accidents flow better. But instead I see him poop on the floor or poop in his underwear and I hear FAILURE. I think the grief bug has got me, because I spent a large part of the day crying my eyes out just upset that at the fact that Vayden is not here.

Brother Bear

2010-05-02T18:48:00.001-07:00

I've posted about this bear many times he is also been referred to as "cuddle brother" Vashon now calls him "brother bear". This gift from Kelly with Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries is the best thing for Vashon that was meant for me. Vashon is all boy and never wanted anything to do with stuff animals and still could care less about any new ones that come into the house. However Brother Bear is the one thing Vashon always seems to need. I've watched Vashon love on him, wrestle with him and even discipline him like a big brother would. Brother Bear is with Vashon often and has become a huge part of our family. Needless to say Brother Bear being a 3 yr olds best friend goes through just as much as a normal 3 yr old boy would go through. The cream colored bear turned gray with spots of crayon and spaghetti sauce. I have been so afraid to wash him because even though I know I could always ask Kelly for a new one, I think Vashon would know and deep down inside we would know also that the new brother bear was not the same bear that laid with Vayden the day he was born.

I knew I was supposed to wash him with a mild soap but every time I went to the store I was afraid that my choice would ruin him. Last night we had the family bed, while Vashon's leg was over my head and brother bears arm was in my face I realized that he smelled like syrup. hmmm Did Vashon try to feed him waffles? I looked at him and thought "what has he done to you sweet bear" then I thought how I wanted to wash him right that moment. I looked over at the picture of Vayden on my dresser and thought of the noodle and boo baby wash that we bathed Vayden with on his birthday. I got up to find the slightly used bottled that was just going to sit there and took brother bear into the bathroom to give him a much needed bath. It was supposed to be a mom cleaning her child's teddy bear but instead it was like giving Vayden another bath. The strong special scent hit my senses and took me back to the day Vayden was born, the bear smelled as sweet as Vayden did as I carefully cleaned him making sure the softness of the cotton stayed the same. When I was done I took him down stairs and placed him in a clean pillow case put him in the dryer on a very low cycle.
When Brother Bear came out he was cream colored again and smelled just like Vayden did the day he was born. Cleaning him was a good idea but using the infant wash to clean him was even better, Vashon still loves his brother bear and now I have a hard time sharing him because of his amazing new scent.

I just can't thank you enough Kelly

A newly cleaned brother bear, and when I say this bear was gray, I mean this bear was gray

Good News

2010-04-29T10:21:00.001-07:00

I'm breaking my silence although only a few people are still out of the loop. I have over 100 blog followers yet since Vayden's loss I get about 10-20 readers on each post, so those readers I consider loyal and those readers I'd like to share my news with. I've never been good at keeping secrets and I never really knew why I was keeping it a secret. Fear was not the reason, I actually have very little fear about this baby. I guess I just wanted to give Vayden his full year, but the more and more people that are finding out are showing me that Vayden is just as if not more important now, and for that I am thankful. I've been keeping a blog for this baby www.journeytomyrainbow.blogspot.com I apologize for the many post that you will have to catch up on. This baby is Due December 10, 2010 and I am not considered high risk because Vayden's condition was non genetic, which is why I haven't seen my midwife yet. My 1st appt is May 13,2010 and I am 100% fine with that, just hoping they only find one baby in there, lol. Despite my good vibes and strong faith I still would love prayers from you all. I am sticking to my word and not making the big Facebook announcement until either after my appt or after Vayden's birthday, so if you are friends with me on facebook nothing on my wall please. :) I will still be blogging on this blog however as stated before this is Vayden's blog so all the post will be about him.

When I Get Upset

2010-04-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

I get upset when I look at Vashon playing alone and he looks sad, because I know that my perfect plan of having two kids only 26 months apart was ruined the day Vayden died.

I get upset when I look at his pictures and wonder how he would look now at 11 months old.

I get upset when friends from high school find me on Facebook and fail to acknowledge Vayden, you will not open up a new wound if you say "I'm sorry for your loss" it does not break my heart or make me cry to tell his story.

I get upset whenever I go out and see baby safari bedroom sets, because that was what Vayden's bedroom was going to be.

I get upset when I turn on the news to hear that someone killed a child.

I get upset when I see pregnant women that smoke or drink.

I get upset that I even get upset for my loss when women that suffer from infertility hurt far more than I have.

Today marks 11 heavenly months that Vayden has been away and this month I miss him so much today and I'm watching Vashon play all by himself I am upset.

Happy 11th month in Heaven sweet Vayden, your big brother miss you and mommy and daddy do too.

Dear Vayden,

2010-03-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Vayden,

Today marks your 10th month in Heaven, how are you doing up there? We miss you so much, and you are always on my mind. This month has been exciting for all of us. Vashon your older brother is 100% potty trained and he's growing up so fast. I'm excited for the day when I get to sit him down and tell him all about his baby brother Vayden, yet I'm also fearful that at such a young age the understanding of death with throw him into a fearful state of mind about life. We will find the perfect way to explain your story to him so that at his age he understands. Thank you for taking care of your Grampie, he's doing better now and he was the first person in the family to have a dream about you. I must say I'm kind of jealous, he was able to see you walk before I did. I'll wait for my turn to see you in my dreams, and I hope it's a long one. Your Grammie or as Vashon now calls her Nanny thinks of you all the time, and the bitter sweetness of Vashon growing up so fast makes her miss seeing you grow up the same.

Mommy and Daddy finally took a break from life and went on a 7 day cruise. Vayden we had so much fun and it was a much needed break. I just cant bite my tongue when it comes to my babies, and I was able to tell people about you and your brother. Mommy and Daddy are also ready to have another baby, please know that you will never be forgotten or left out. I figure each of my children will have a unique pregnancy so since we knew what Vashon was at 13 wks and the pregnancy with you we knew everything and more than we wanted....my next baby I plan to go straight old school and know nothing. This will allow me to focus on what truly matters "a healthy baby" .

Happy 10th month in Heaven sweet angel baby, not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

Love always, Mommy

*Picture above - vayden's name written in the sands of a beautiful beach in Cabo San Lucas, MX*

(This post is being published 1 day before Vayden's heavenly marker because I am on the road driving back to OKC)

9 Months Down......A Lifetime to Go

2010-02-23T18:34:00.001-08:00

We are getting close to a year without Vayden and although I'm doing fine, at peace with my loss and have created a wonderful foundation to support others on this journey, I still find myself looking at old photos of me thinking to myself "who would have thought she would lose her baby".

Earlier this month I was asked by my mother to come home because my father was very ill, when a parent tells their child to come home, the 1st thought is that someone is going to die. I didn't want to go home when I got the call, I knew my dad was going to pull through, but I also had 100% faith that Vayden was going to come home at one point. I did go home and my father is doing better, but the thoughts of death were once again placed heavy on my heart. I think I said it before but in my heart many deaths are justifiable or understandable except the deaths of babies and children. I have never been able to wrap my mind around how and why that happens, although I know first hand that it does happen. My father's possible dying weighed heavy on my heart, but sadly I admit that if it was to be his time I would find comfort in knowing that Vayden would have someone there with him. ( I feel horrible thinking such a thing)

I've also hit a revelation in my grief once again, yes I am not perfect.....As complicated as this may sound I both fear and seek death. Please let me explain before you contact suicide watch. I do not want or have any intentions to kill myself, but if I were to die I would be with my son and that is where the seeking part comes in. The fear is something I noticed while chatting with a friend, I hate going anywhere in fear that some stupid driver will t-bone me and I will die prematurely, leaving Vashon and Van behind. It is so complicated how I feel and I don't even know if I used the correct terms. I'm not miserable on earth and I'm sure I wouldn't be miserable in Heaven, it's like I have two worlds to live in and I want both, but can't have them at the same time. To be in these worlds you must either live or die.

Hopefully none of you are worried that I may do something I shouldn't do, I fully know that the choice to live or die is and should only be in the hands of our maker. This is my blog and I just wanted to share with you how I feel. I am going to talk to someone about my overall fear of driving and/or going out, I still have the I don't like big crowds issue, but I'm starting to think that has something to do with my age.

Checking in 8 months later

2010-01-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

I usually write more often but I've had terrible bloggers block. I post at least once a month on every heavenly month marker and today marks the 8th heavenly month that sweet Vayden has been gone. Still feels like yesterday but I'm already half way to a year and no where near the lifetime of missing my angel. I really don't have much to say, my grief has been pretty consistent which can mean a few things, I just hope a HUGE wave of sadness wont be coming soon. Every month of Vayden's memory date I do little things to honor him. I change my facebook photo to a picture of him, I write a blog post, and subconsciously our family just takes it easy and spends quality time with each other.

I am very excited for his 1st angel versary which may sound strange but I have so much going on that month with My Very Own Angel and I plan to honor the many accomplishments he's made in just one year. I do not expect that day to be sad, I plan to celebrate angel baby style.

*On a side note, in this last month I've caught the fever........ baby fever as I find myself not speeding through TLC's a baby story while flipping the channels. We've never been preventing but we have been family planning so after our cruise in March we will allow God to do what he needs to do and I will be able to shower and shave on those 3 no no days again. Just kidding :)

I also want to thank a dear follower and friend Sarita for sending my boys these so cute teddy bear pieces, with their birthstones and names on them (sorry for the picture quality but they are amazing) Sarita does not blog herself, but she does have an angel and she does follow many angel family blogs. Thank you Sarita

Happy 8th month in Heaven lil guy, you are still greatly missed.

Farewell 2009

2009-12-30T08:13:00.000-08:00

2009 by far has been the most challenging year, I battled with using the word “worst” but that would mean nothing good came out of 2009 and the fact that I’m alive healthy and so close to 2010 means that, some things were not so bad. So here is my 2009 in recap please enjoy.

January – I went to my 18 wks prenatal appointment excited to find out if I was having a boy or girl, I found out that my baby suffered from a Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction aka LUTO; I was devastated as I begin high risk intervention to save the baby growing inside me.

February – I had the best birthday in a long time, a massage, a manicure & pedicure, and I even got a Wii game system. 5 days later I got a phone call from my Dr. saying Vayden’s kidneys failed, intervention was over. I made the choice to carry to term.

March – Is when I became very vocal about my situation, I started blogging about my ups and downs, I opened my life to complete strangers and told Vayden’s story through my eyes. I found family through LUTO, women & men who had LUTO angels and some who had LUTO survivors, they were there for me and supported me and I am forever grateful for them. They are my family now. I mourned the deaths of Matthew and Jonah, Vayden’s best friends. (LUTO angels)

Lisa Fregien

McKenzie Hardison

Mandy Sheridan

Everyone on the Posterior Urethral Valves Facebook group

April – The Stewart family, Vayden included took a trip to California and Las Vegas. In that trip Vayden was able to fly on an airplane, feed the ducks, go to the aquarium, attend his brothers 2nd birthday party, enjoy the sounds of Cirque du Soil in Las Vegas, and eat the best hamburger at In n Out Burger. He was also so lucky to be surrounded by loving friends and family from the west coast. When we got back to Oklahoma we met with an amazingly talented NILMDTS photographer who took amazing maternity photos to help us document this journey through carrying to term

May - I was wishing I could stay pregnant forever, time was running out as my due date was nearing . I lashed out on a few people who gave me the faith or miracle speech, the truth is God already spoke to me by that time, Vayden was not going to stay on earth, but would be born alive. I had faith that God would stick to that word and answer our prayer for a total and complete healing on earth or in Heaven. I wrote the blog post “But you gotta have faith” on May 19th and I went into labor on May 22nd. Vayden James Stewart was born May 23,2009 at midnight, he passed away 3:45am. We were blessed to see him with his eyes wide open, hear him cry and cuddle with him for that time. God stood by his word and we were thankful for every minute we had with Vayden. Vayden died peacefully in my arms, he knew no pain, no needles, and no tubes, welcomed with love and left with love.

June – The Stewart family started to get used to “our new normal”. I was terribly bored; I kept thinking I should be up in the night tired during the day. I played with Vashon all day and worked on my new baby all night My Very Own Angel.

July – I worked all night as if I had a colicky newborn on My Very Own Angel, I told very little people about my new obsession, it was my way of healing through my loss. I tried out a new church and felt at home from the first service. My relationship with Christ was growing while the devil was working shamelessly on trying to ruin my marriage. My Very Own Angel’s website launched on July 24, 2009 just one day after Vayden's 2nd month in Heaven

August – The 345 teddy Bear Project blessed OU Children’s Hospital in Oklahoma City, where Vayden was delivered, it was humbling to go back and give thanks to the amazing staff that was so supportive through my loss. The local news came out to do a story.

September – Vashon took over Vayden’s comfort bear that Kelly from Sufficient Grace sent me, this is the ONLY stuffed animal he has ever liked, so I went ahead and gave it to him and we now refer to the bear as “cuddle brother”

October – Not just Breast Cancer Awareness month it’s also Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month and on the 15th I lit a candle for Vayden and all the other babies gone too soon. I also went to a few walks to remember met some great people, and Vayden’s story made the local newspaper a two page spread. Just in time to make others aware of pregnancy and infant loss.

November – Here comes the holiday season, our first without Vayden, we found a way to include him.

December – We included Vayden in everything we could for Christmas, and My Very Own Angel was blessed to touch the lives and offer support to many. I’ve met so many wonderful people throughout this year, many I would not have met had I not suffered this loss, so in the words of the bible. “All things work together for good, to those that love God” Roman 8:28

I look forward to 2010, and I’m very ready to kick 2009 out the door. Our family was tested greatly this year and the devil worked so hard to ruin us, but we took the trails with faith, knowing that God would show us the reward soon.

So to 2009 thank you for the test, the tears, the growth, and the faith, I won’t miss you, but I will always remember you.

Pictures From Heaven

2009-12-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

Today marks the 7th Heavenly month that my sweet Vayden has been away. With Christmas just two days away, I keep thinking about how fun it would be if Vayden was with us physically this Christmas, he will be with us in our hearts, but we all know that’s never the same. We have been very careful to include Vayden this Christmas in everything we can from stockings to presents, yes Vayden has presents wrapped under the tree and you’ll have to wait until after Christmas to see them.

Last week on a drive home I was thinking about my baby boy. I thought how cool would it be if Heaven could somehow send down photos every month for me to see him and how he changes. I would honestly be so happy with just that, just one picture a month. I told my mom about my thought and she said “you’ll have to pay close attention to your dreams”, so that is what I’m going to do and hopefully God will send me pictures from Heaven.

Without Words, I Miss You Vayden

2009-12-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

I Have A Blog Button

2009-12-18T05:50:00.000-08:00

I finally have a blog button, there were two main reasons why it took so long. I couldn't figure out how to make them and I couldn't figure out what I wanted it to look like. This blog is titled Through My Mothers Eyes.....Vayden's Story. This is Vayden's blog and every post will in someway be connected to Vayden. My dear friend Holly so kindly said she would make my button for me when I'm ready, and finally the idea hit me to use the eye and place Vayden's photo in the pupil. Next I had to find a friend good with edits, so that's when I emailed Teresa to find out if I my dream was even possible. Thanks to Holly and Teresa, I now have a perfect blog button.

I Get It From My Mama

2009-12-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

Not just my good lucks, I mean look at her isn’t she a 10?? This woman looks amazing and no she did not have me when she was 18.

Many people have asked me how I am so strong, how am I able to deal with the death of my 2nd son so well. My faith plays a big role in my understanding and healing process, but so does my mother. My mother is my rock; she walked me through my pregnancy with Vashon and was there from diagnosis date to delivery with Vayden. We disagree all the time, but whenever I need her she is there. Sharon and I have similar ways on how we handle life’s curve balls.

I must have been about 9 and my brother 11 when my dad got sick. Unexpectedly this came about and gradually his condition got worse, by the time I was 12 my father was basically living in the hospital. My mother worked full time, was my father’s best patient advocate and still a mother of two, she was the glue that kept our family together. The best thing she ever did for my brother and I, was let us be kids, we never knew how sick our father was, never had to worry about medical bills, never worried about dinner, my brother never had to step up and take care of me, and we never had to pay for my mom’s exhaustion or daily worries, she never flipped out or lost her cool with us around. Our lives were as normal as they could have been minus our dad being in and out the hospital, I can only count on one hand the amount of times I saw her cry. I’m sure she had someone to talk with, someone to cry to, but she didn’t use her kids as support, instead she used us as a reason to keep going and she knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. She handled my father’s illness with inspirational strength and grace. I recognize this now because I am a mother and I have been faced with an adult issue that I could easily bring Vashon into, forcing him to grow up too soon. When I was pregnant with Vayden and knew that his prognosis was bleak, I remember telling myself “Vashon must remain a child through all of this, no matter how hard it is for me. “ I thank my mother for taking on such a huge load, and being sensitive to how pure being young is. She knew we had to grow up one day and take on loads of our own, but she always let us have what some people never experience and what no one can ever get back…………. a childhood.

“Mom, I always knew you were an amazing mom, but it truly took losing Vayden to understand why you did what you did as far as putting up the child protectors. I know how hard it must have been for you during that time, dealing with children is hard enough, but adding a life changing curve ball makes it seem almost impossible. When my days are long and my heart aches for Vayden, I remind myself that Vayden is well taken care of and I owe Vashon the same childhood you gave me and Terron.”

I’ve said thank you many times but this time I really get it, so Thank You Mom

My 1st pUbLiC eMoTiOnAl BrEaKdOwN

2009-12-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

Today I had a Dr. appointment because I have high blood pressure. I needed my prescription to be refilled and I thought I would be in and out. Key word: I THOUGHT, I ended up finding out that my previous blood work showed possible kidney problems and that my primary care manager wants to send me to see a kidney specialist. I also had to have more blood work and have my medication changed to something that will help my blood pressure if I do in fact have kidney issues. The Dr. is talking and saying all these terms that I remember hearing or reading about through my journey with Vayden. All while my eyes are filling with tears as the Dr. who didn't know about Vayden puts her hand on my knee and says "this is precaution since you're so young and because of your family history" (talking about my mom and dad both having blood pressure issues). I guess I didn't hear that all the way and I let my tears go, she couldn't understand why I was so emotional, I said "it was me wasn't it? Vayden's condition was my fault my kidneys are bad no wonder his would be also". She still did not understand what I was talking about so I told her about Vayden, her eyes began to water she kept saying, "no, did they say his condition was genetic?" I said "no, but now you're telling me this, about my own health" she told me she needed to go get something from her office and that she would be right back. I stayed crying knowing in the back of my mind that Vayden's condition was a fluke and that the only reason his kidneys failed was because he couldn't get his urine out. Still my not so good news about my own health flooded my reasonable thinking.

The Dr. came in with a few sheets of paper some about LUTO, she gave me a pep talk, hit me with some hard facts and assured me that I did nothing wrong. We talked for a little while after I calmed down, I showed her Vayden's pictures and told her about MVOA, I left that appointment with a smile on my face I don't know why I broke down like I did but that is how grief is, comes out of no where kicks you down and tries to hold you there. I'm happy that I took my moment but got back up, I don't know what is the issues with my personal health and at the moment I'm not going to worry hard about it. One thing I learned with Vayden is "leave it in Gods hands"

6 Months with Change

2009-11-23T07:01:00.000-08:00

6 months ago my life changed, Stephanie Stewart changed. Some people accept change hard while some just roll with the punches. Is change good? I think it is, without change we would never grow, we would fail to learn and we would never be able to look back and think of the good and bad of our past.

I have changed so much since May 23, 2009. I lost the innocence to my way of thinking, I once lived on planet care bear, I used to worry little and laugh a lot. Time meant nothing, because in my life, I always had time. Now I worry, I despise waiting, and the small things like sitting on the phone for hours with an old high school friend or watching TV all day doesn't amuse me. I was so close to giving up on all these social networking sites, yet now I allow countless amounts of people into my most personal tragedies.

6 months ago I learned who I needed in my life; I lost so many people who I care about so much, but I’ve changed and they didn’t change with me. I know that they care about me and my loss, but I cannot constantly fly to Florida to avoid the harsh winters.

To some 6 months ago I became “that one girl whose baby died” to me 6 months ago I became Stephanie PROUD mother of an angel. God became a friend to me and not my enemy, I am blessed and things could be a lot worse. I love so hard now it’s scary, I now know how precious life is, and how everyday is not promised.

I daydream about Vayden more now, today he’s been gone for 6 heavenly months; I also daydream about that wonderful day when I see him again in Heaven. I have never set a goal in my life until now; I used to think goals would take me away from my innocent way of thinking if I didn’t reach my set goal for whatever reason. I now for the 1st time in 25 yrs have a goal that I will fight for, crawl to, reach high, and work hard to get……that goal is to get to Heaven so that I can see my baby again.

Half a year has gone and I miss you just as much as they day after you left.
I thank God for blessing me to be able to carry and give birth to an angel in human form.

Mommy miss you Vayden, and I love that you play with Vashon.

I need you all to realize one thing about grief, it does not go away, and we don’t forget about it. Just because I am not a crying mess everyday doesn’t mean I don’t need you to check up on me. I am human and I hurt everyday for my loss. I’m humbled enough to know that Vayden had a bigger purpose in life and death, but that still doesn’t take away from the sharp pains I feel in my heart. I am grieving healthy and progressively healing, but I ask that you not forget about me or Vayden.

The Sculpture Tells The Story

2009-11-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

I found The Midnight Orange online while searching for an item to use for a blog giveaway. I fell in love with the work that this artist does. Her sculptures as simple as they are tell a story so powerful.

When you look at these pieces you see my new family. My husband, myself, our 1st born Vashon and our angel Vayden. It's both beautiful and heartbreaking to look at, but it's still our family. What I love about them is we are stuck together, and we are supporting each other.

Dana the artist contacted me to let me know my sculpture would be a little late, she said the first one had an issue when she went to fire it. She asked if I would mind her sending both the new piece and the semi destroyed piece. She did not charge me for the semi destroyed piece but after seeing it, I wish I would have paid her something for it. In my eyes it's beautiful, because in my eyes it tells a story.

Cracked and damaged, the same way we felt when we lost Vayden. Van suffered the most severe damage. I believe this sculpture tells the true story of our initial loss.

So simple and unique these pieces of art are, but the story behind each of them pack so much meaning.

The Stewart Family 2009

The Family Bed

2009-10-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

My husband came back yesterday from his deployment a little early, it was perfect timing because I'd say 3 days out of the week I felt like I was going to crack. In our family Vashon sleeps in his own room and bed, but on weekends if he so happens to wake up in the middle of the night or we start missing him, he can come and sleep in our bed. We have the family bed at least once a week. I call Vashon "happy feet" because he moves his feet around when he's sleep, it's the most annoy thing in the world and he always targets my body. My husband loves having him in the bed and since he hasn't seen him in a few months we put Vashon to sleep in his bed and of course went and got him later to put him in bed with us. I laid awake with dancing toddler feet on my body and a snoring husband. At that moment I thought to myself "gosh it was nice..... "

Then I thought about The Family Bed, and I thought Vayden would be 5 months old now and although not big enough to sleep in the bed with all three of us, he would surely be able to spend a little time in there while we all lay awake. I saw my perfect, me and my 3 boys, then I thought about when I have another lil one, and if that baby so happens to be a girl. The outsiders looking in will see that as perfection. They will see a cute lil family, 1 boy 1 girl, and they will never know that my perfect was 2 kids, 2 boys and that I had that already, for 3hrs and 45min.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

2009-10-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ever seen that show??? I have watched it many times and as honest as these women seem and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, I personally don't see how anyone can go full term without kinda knowing something was different. I mean, I've had some contraction like gas before, but I know the difference.

Why am I writing about this show? PREGNANT I am not, that would be a true shock and surprise to my husband who is deployed right now. I'm writing because pregnancy is everywhere around me, my husband wants me to be pregnant, my close friends on base are all pregnant, people keep asking me when I'm going to try again, and every now and then I think "I better just get this over with", because I find myself making plans that don't include a new little person, and lets face it Vashon as a 2 yr old is amazing birth control. My husband will be home in 2-3 weeks and he's made it very clear that he wants another baby, we agreed that we would not actively try, but also not prevent. After being asked why I didn't want another baby, I came to the conclusion that I do want another baby, I just don't want to know when I'm pregnant. I think about having another baby all the time, but my mind skips over the pregnancy, so I hope that one day I will create a post introducing my new healthy baby, that I delivered in my bathroom while taking a poop and at the end of my post it will say "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

October 15th

2009-10-15T17:33:00.001-07:00

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, this day was set aside for everyone to remember those precious lives gone too soon. I will admit last year I didn’t know this fact, and like many unless this issue hits close to home, some may never know. Last year on October 15th I was sooooo upset driving home from a 2nd job I had taken up, I was tired, I was nauseous, and I was sneaking yet another pregnancy test into the house, hoping to be pregnant. Last year on October 16th I found out I was pregnant, it’s been a year now since I began this journey, and I will now come across milestone dates through the next 7 months until I apprehensively come back to May 23rd.

Today I lit the V candle from Vayden’s memorial service in memory of my sweet angel baby. I also lit another candle for all the other angels gone too soon. I sat down and watch Vayden’s slide show 4 times, reminding myself of all the wonderful things I did with him in the womb and out. I miss him, and look forward to seeing him again.

Raise your hand if you want another baby

2009-09-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

If you asked me that question in a room of mothers who have angels, I might be the only one with my hands in my lap. I've met so many women on this journey, walking on the same path of infant loss, yet while they shift left to start trying again I walk straight. On my walk I meet and pick up stranded new mothers on this road trip, those that choose to carry to term, those that just recently suffered a loss, or those who trust me enough to share the story of their very own angel. My road trip is not depressing and contrary to others beliefs doing what I do does not leave me stagnate in one place of my grief. I learn something new every day about grief, I teach someone something new everyday about loss.

I love the memories, I have a photo of Vayden on my desk at home and every time I look at it, I smile. When I go back to the day I smile and I keep smiling, because I know he's smiling at me. New babies are very time consuming, before I raise my hand when asked if I want another baby I want to be sure that even with the new baby, I wont leave out my other two babies. That means that I will continue My Very Own Angel and play "I see you" with Vashon over and over again. My mom told me after I had Vashon, not to think about having another baby until he got his time to shine. I think I'm going to do the same with Vayden. Speaking of shinning, Vayden at only 3 heavenly months old made the local news click this link http://myveryownangel.org/MVOA-in-the-Media.php

I've said it before if it is for me to have another baby, then God will make it happen, if it's not I will always be a mother of two amazing boys.

Look at this photograph

2009-09-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm vacationing in California for a few weeks at my parents house. Vashon is their 1st grandchild but no longer their only. Needless to say their house is like a shrine dedicated to Vashon, pictures are everywhere. This is my 1st time being home after losing Vayden and I was pleasantly surprised to see that Vayden has his own lil shrine of pictures too.

My mother hangs photos of Vashon from birth to his current age (2 yrs) and swaps them out frequently. It's nice to look at a photo of Vashon when he was 3 mo old and then another when he was 13 mo old right next to it. I walked around their house looking at all the changes that Vashon has made in just 2 short years. Then I got to Vayden's photos and realized that his shrine would never change, my mother will never swap out the 6 mo photo for the 22 mo photo. It hit me that all of his photos will be of him being 3 hrs and 45 min old.

As I type this I'm looking at two picture frames on the computer desk, one of Vashon when he was only 2 mo old and one of Vayden a few hours after he passed. I look to my right and I see Vashon my now 2 yr old sleeping on the couch, but I do not see my what would be now 3.5 mo old Vayden.

As I look at this photograph I can remember everything from 5/23/2009 I can re play the story like it was yesterday, but as I look at this photograph my eyes get a lil watery because I know that this photograph will never be swapped out for a picture of Vayden at a later age.

3 Months and I'm Still Sober

2009-08-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

And I don't know This could break my heart or save me

Nothing's real Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving

So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

But I know it's never really over

And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

Three months and I'm still breathing

Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in

but I know It's never really over

Three months and I'm still standing here

Three months and I'm getting better yeah

Three months and I'm still breathing

Three months and I still remember it

Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Those are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s song Sober (radio version), I heard this song back in 2006 and I loved it but never knew what she was talking about and really couldn’t relate to it. Today I still have no clue what she is talking about but I can relate to almost every word in this song.

Three months already, my how time flies, I just keep thinking I should be taking care of a crazy 2yr old and a 3 month old baby, at times I just keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. What is 3 months? In 3 months most people can keep the same hair style, weigh the same, and work at the same job, too many 3 months is nothing but 12 weeks closer to something many have no goal to reach. Could it be a new mate, job or car? We generally view 3 months as nothing but time, except in the life of a new baby. I recall 3 months with Vashon being that fun age; it was just about when his personality started to show. I often wonder how Vashon would have influenced Vayden to ultimately drive me so insane that I would sell them both on craigslist. (joke)

Since Vayden has been gone I’ve been able to do things, I probably wouldn’t be doing had he been here, I know there are thing I surely wouldn’t be doing had he been a PUV survivor, that is a busy life those mommies have and they deserve a lot of credit. Since Vayden has been gone I’ve missed out on things, putting both my boys to bed, watching them sleep day dreaming what they were going to be like when they got older, wondering who would be the cool brother, who would be the strong bother .

Yet in 3 months I’ve been able to tell my story to many, I’ve opened the eyes and hearts of many who heard about infant death, but never really thought it applied to them. In just 3 months I’ve found out who I really am. A wife, a Christian, a friend, a daughter, and a mother of 2, one a heavenly angel, 3 months ago today I gave birth to my 2nd son and gained an angel almost 4 hrs later.

3 months ago my life changed, 3 months and I’m still sober……. picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

Walking With You ~ Every Angel Counts~

2009-08-21T00:49:00.000-07:00

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking with You please visit Kelly's blog.

This week, Kelly is sharing some commonly asked questions and answers about grieving the loss of a child. The rest of us may blog about a similar topic or share what is on our hearts this week.

This week my heart has been dealing with the way people consider loss. As many of you know I am not at all shy to tell someone I Have My Very Own Angel, I find that many peoples initial thought is “oh she had a miscarriage that is so sad” as I talk more about Vayden they are lead to ask more questions about his passing. When they find out I carried to term, met held my live child and then said goodbye, their eyes begin to tear up, they no longer have anything to say because I’m sorry in their hearts is just not enough. It upsets me that people can think of loss so shallow, like you only deserve credit if it was a late term loss. Like the story is only heartbreaking if your child was once alive in your arms, does it matter?? When a woman suffers a loss of a child at any age she grieves, she hurts the same and some women that suffer miscarriage or still birth feel cheated which is a harder more haunting feeling. Why don’t they deserve the tears and the hugs that I get? Why don’t people recognize that loss as a true heartbreaking loss? Why do they have to pay for a funeral but get no birth certificate?

I think every angel counts and every loss has a story behind it. Don’t discredit a woman’s grief because she lost her pregnancy at 8 weeks, she could have been trying for 4 yrs and those 8 weeks were something she was blessed to have.

Every Angel Counts

I'm at WAR with the devil

2009-08-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

In the bible in the story of Job, God and the devil challenged Job's faithfulness to the the Lord. The devil questioned Job's faith fullness in negative times, because Job's life was in a pretty good place. Many casual Christians praise God when the sun is shinning but can give him less praise or turn against him when the rain comes in. I am becoming the modern day story of Job as my faith fullness is being tested time and time again. In the matter of months my life has been turned upside down and all that was well is not anymore. Before we found out about Vayden things were perfect, no debt, happily married, I understood my child, I had a lot to praise God for and I did. Then the awful day came when we found out about the LUTO and it was like ok, there are worst things in the world, I still gave my praises to God, then the day came that we found out that his condition was now fatal. As I felt my baby moving inside of me, I knew that his condition was fatal, but didn't feel like he was taken from me, so there were still reasons to give praise. Then my angel was born and left us almost 4 hrs after birth, this was the moment that the devil was waiting for, he wanted me to curse God for taking my son, and not making him a medical miracle. Instead I gave praise, I praised God for the 3 hrs and 45 min I was able to spend with my son, and I felt that was a miracle, considering how fatal his condition. That pissed the devil off, and I thought he would leave me alone, but he was waiting to see me days, weeks, months after Vayden's death, he assumed that at some point I would turn my back on the Lord and realize that 3 hrs and 45 min is nothing. He even showed me another LUTO baby be born and live, he wanted so badly for me to question myself, and my God. I didn't, I was pleased to see lil Tino survive and I praised God for listening to my prayers as I had been praying for him. That again upset the devil, and then I created My Very Own Angel and tried to provide positive hope to women who suffer a loss, while constantly giving God all the glory for and all the praise, oh yea that pissed him off real bad.

The devil has formed attack against my marriage now. He has turned my spouse against me, he has created a horrible tension in my home and my husband is deploying in two weeks. I am announcing now as I've announced to God and the devil, and let everyone be a witness to this. I WILL NOT STOP LOVING GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Everything and everyone that I love can be taken away from me and I will mourn each, but I will get over it, I will move on, and I WILL continue to always praise God, for he will continue to bless me.

I AM A WOMEN WHO CARRIED TO TERM, LOST HER BABY, AND CAN STILL GET OUT OF BED EVERY DAY, SO PLEASE DON'T MESS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walking With You - Sibling Grief/ The Next Pregnancy

2009-08-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

This week, at Sufficient Grace we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy.

Vashon was only 26 months old when Vayden passed, he has what I like to call "only child syndrome" so even before we were pregnant Vashon didn't like anyone or anything (the dog) being loved by mommy or daddy. Vashon didn't want to be around Vayden at the the hospital, I'm not sure if he knew he was not alive, or he just didn't want to be at the hospital, but we did get some photos with him and his brother.When we came home from the hospital Vashon knew that we were sad he just didn't really know why. I would often tell him that mommy misses baby brother, it is so cute how a 2 yr old is able to know that all I needed was a hug. Because Vashon was so young and not able to do much for himself, it pushed my husband and I to quickly find our New Normal. We both agreed that although it was fine to show emotion around Vashon, he should not pay the price for something he can not understand. Vashon is that step that keeps getting added on the ladder, when you think you've reached the top one more step appears. He kept us going, he kept us smiling and we always and still see a little of Vayden in him.

As far as the next pregnancy is concerned, I feel like I am the only one who is not jumping on the wagon of TTC. I'm not afraid of another case of LUTO, I'm afraid of having another 2 yr old. I have however made the decision that I would not go on any type of birth control, yet not actively TTC. I long for another baby, yet I'm in the a very traumatizing age with Vashon and I'm not sure I can do it again. I'm leaving this in God's hands, I believe that he will bless us with another baby, and I believe that the timing will be perfect. However if we are not supposed to have another child under God's plan, I will forever be a mother of two.

My Very Own Angel

2009-08-06T14:03:00.001-07:00

Most of my followers already know that I’ve been working hard at giving back since Vayden’s death. It was weeks after his passing I had a strong urge to give back, to help others, to spread the word, and to encourage women to be proud of their angels. The community of bereaved parents is family of parents who in most cases are only brought together by the loss of a child. The beauty behind the pain of carrying to term is rarely spoken about there are wonderful support groups and support resources out there for these families. The more resources that are out there, will lead to more people acknowledging, fatal fetal diagnosis, carrying to term, and pregnancy and infant loss. There are real families, who suffer real loss (es) and need real support.

I created My Very Own Angel, along with my mother to offer support for women carrying to term, and encourage everyone to remember that there is no time limit on grief, there is no specific point where you stop talking about that precious angel you loss, you are never supposed to get over it, never forget and always be proud to say “I Have My Very Own Angel”

We acknowledge every angel that has left this earth too soon. Below is a photo of me PROUDLY announcing to the world “I Have My Very Own Angel” with an official MVOA T-Shirt.

Take some time and check out the site if you haven’t, and if you have your very own angel, don’t forget to follow MVOA on blog spot My Very Own Angel Blog, we will be hosting special blog giveaways for families of angels and navigating through grief in a positive yet real way.

* I will still update this blog and as I go through my own personal experiences with loss, I will be updating this one, so don’t leave me.

God bless

Walking With You - Impact our loss had on our marriage

2009-07-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. Thank you to those of you who have joined us for the past few weeks...for courageously sharing your stories. If you haven't joined us yet, and would like to, you are more than welcome. This week, we are sharing the impact our loss(es) had on our marriage.;

My marriage was tested before our loss even occurred. After finding out about Vayden’s fatal condition Van and I both started grieving our son that was still alive. I spent countless hours online researching and understanding LUTO/ PUV, I was over educated on his condition and Van under educated. We didn’t communicate much during the time of me carrying to term, conversations here and there would be exchanged but for the most part if it wasn’t about Vashon our older son, we weren’t talking. I was so angry with him, but couldn’t tell him because I knew it would start a fight. An argument was the last thing I needed while I was having weekly amnio infusions, so I created a blog and found mothers who suffered loss, and women carrying to term just like me. I leaned on these women for all the support I needed, I cried all my tears to them, I shared all my fears with them, and with them I expressed my anger and disappointment with my husband. I stated a thousand times, that Van was a jerk, he walked around with a nonchalant attitude to the whole thing while my knees where read and sore from praying daily, or at least that is what appeared to me. I knew that he loved me and Vayden, I just didn’t know how someone that loves you could treat you so cold, and as a pregnant woman I thought I was supposed to get extra special treatment.
At 33 weeks I came to the understanding that Van is who he is and that I can’t make him sit and tell me about his feelings, while he listens to mine. I realized that I was not going to regret anything because I educated myself about Vayden’s condition, I contacted the wonderful resources available and I made sure that I wasn’t going to just go into labor and delivery, have a baby, watch it die and then go home. But before I accepted all of that, I prayed for Van and forgave him for his cold personality and asked God to hold him tightly when the time came for Vayden to be born because being so unprepared can be damaging. I set us up for marriage counseling even before Vayden was born, because I was sure we would need it.
Vayden was born only a few hours after Van came home from a 23 day TDY. I didn’t have a chance to just say what I had been holding in for 17 weeks, he didn’t even have a chance to apologize to me. When Vayden was born Van hit the floor, he was overwhelmed with love and sadness, and then it hit him. It was so hard to see my husband that mean cold man, so sad and so hurt watching his son, fight for his life, just to give us time with him, just so that his daddy could finally spend time with him and sing to him and touch him, like I had done my entire pregnancy, things I wanted Van to do while I was carrying. I let Van bathe him, and dress him alive; I knew that he was going to have regrets I wanted him to get as much as he could in while we had the time. Later Van thanked me for carrying to term and admitted that he thought often if I was making the wrong choice by carrying to term. When I created my website www.myveryownangel.org I asked Van to please submit a statement for the father’s page. This is what he wrote
" Why? When I was informed that Vayden had LUTO, I asked myself "why" over and over again. I blamed myself sometimes, thinking it was something I did. I thought the RADAR system that I worked on might have been the cause. I secretly blamed Stephanie, my wife, sometimes. I thought that maybe it was something she was eating or drinking. I had these thoughts for the majority of the pregnancy. I never shared my feelings or thoughts with my wife. I thought that I had to hide my feelings and stay strong for the family. I didn't really talk to anyone about our situation. I informed a few people at work, but didn't give too many details. I didn't want people thinking I couldn't do my job because of my family issues. Steph and I agreed to meet with the base chaplain. I still didn't talk much about my feelings or thoughts, but it helped me bring my shield down a little. Talking to the chaplain did help me realize that Vayden's condition wasn't anyone's fault. Not mine and surely not my wife's. God made his decision that he needed another Angel, and he chose Vayden to fill that slot.

My advice to the fathers, who might be faced with a similar situation as our family, is talk. Talk to you friends, family, or chaplain. But surely talk to your wife or girlfriend. Don't be afraid to show your feelings. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you really care. Losing or knowing that you are going to lose a child is a tremendous amount of stress. Talking to someone and sharing your feelings with someone helps a lot to relive that stress. The only regret that I have for our situation is that I didn't do this for my wife."

*Van S. Stewart Jr. (Father to Vayden, LUTO/PUV angel)

It brought tears to my eyes and a huge weight was lifted off my heart, because I never got the true apology and reason why that I felt I deserved. Now with Vayden gone, we have regular checks on each other and at time misunderstand each other’s grief, but we both understand that we are on different pages of the book of losing a child. I find total comfort in looking at every single one of Vayden’s photos and slide show, where Van stops looking at the photos of him once he’s passed. But Vayden’s loss had all in all brought us together closer as a couple and a family. We take walks 2-3 time a week and we talk more, if I need to talk about Vayden he listens for as long as he can, and I respect him knowing he’s not much of a talker anyway by not looking for his shoulder every time I need to cry. We attend church on a regular basis again as a family, right now we are in a happy place. The support, love and respect that Van showed me after Vayden’s death made me fall right back in love with him, I guess after such a difficult pregnancy I realized the man I married really did have a full heart that loved me.

Because I Trust in God

2009-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

The 23rd marked another heavenly month that Vayden has been gone. To think 8 weeks have already come and gone is unreal. I often think about him, but forget small details, like if I held him on the right or the left side, so I return to his photo album and smile while I click from frame to frame. He truly was a beautiful baby. Just a few weeks ago I was able to hold a beautiful 5 week baby boy, while I watched my mother in law holding him 1st I wondered if it would be strange to ask to hold him, but my hands were tingling to hold that baby so I went to his mother and asked if she’d mind if I held him next. I cuddle that baby until Vashon (my older) became jealous and was coming towards me with his arms up begging me to pick him up. Since I didn’t know the mother of the baby boy she obviously started the small talk questions but instead of asking how many children I had, she asked if we planned on having any more other than Vashon. The door was open to say just “yes” or give a little more detail, and of course I gave a little more detail as I replied “we have an angel in heaven, who is Vashon’s younger brother, but yes we plan to have another one, God willing” I believe she may have thought that I suffered an early miscarriage, but when I mentioned that Vayden lived for 3 hrs and 45 min she asked if I could tell her what happen. When I told her our story in brief her heart sank as tears began to pour from her eyes. I begged her to please stop crying, there was nothing to cry about as I showed her a huge smile on my face, I then said “he was perfect do you want to see a photo of him?” she replied yes and when she saw the pics of him she began to smile again, she could see how much we love him. I made a new friend that day, I taught someone something new about fatal fetal conditions and carrying to term.

I have many people tell me how strong I am and how well I’m coping with the loss of Vayden, however I’ve had a numbered amount of people consider me to be in a stage of denial or unrealistic mind set. I am 150% clear minded at this point, my baby is in Heaven and has been since 5/23/09, I do not think I’m still pregnant (ask the beer I drank last night, lol) I do not think, believe or hope that one day I will wake up and be back in Jan 2009, and find out I’m having a healthy baby boy that doesn’t suffer from LUTO. I was for a minute starting to wonder if something was wrong with me, so I contacted my dear friend Holly http://carleighmckenna.blogspot.com/ to find out if something was wrong with me, and she feels the same way I do. We both find happiness in the memory’s of our angels and to be angry, depressed, or bitter will do us and our families no good. We both trust in God and lean on his word. Holly is an amazing mama, and her blog is a must read so take some time and check it out.

I do still cry, just not often, I look at Vayden’s photos every day and wear special jewelry daily that has his name on it. I know he is my angel and I’m still as proud of him as I was the day he was born and died. The only thing I wish is that when we went to view his body that last time at the funeral home, I would have put him in my purse and took him home to place in my own cooler, which I know is totally not allowed. I knew then that he was gone, but to be honest he was so beautiful I could have kept him just like that. We picked up Vayden’s ashes about 2 weeks ago and it was not as hard as I anticipated it to be, I took the brave move of opening the box they were in to look at them and I was surprised to find that the remains were not more than a handful in amount. Now I’m having second thoughts about spreading them, neither Van or I have an issue with them being in the house, so the plan is when we’re ready we’ll do it.

Just Missing My Baby

2009-07-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

Vayden is almost 2 heavenly months old and for about 4 days last week I hit the bottom of the mountain. Those 4 days I lost my joy, my will to fight, and my strength. In those 4 days I became so worn out, so tired, and so disconnected I felt that I lost all my energy when I lost Vayden. Could it have been the deaths of so many famous and regular people in the world? It seemed like in one week alone, 5 or 6 people spontaneously died. I found myself praying 3-4 times a day for God to please get me through this and just as his word says, I was lead to the light and began to climb back up the mountain. This was the first time I experienced grief as it's said to come, in waves. I trusted in the Lord and continued to pray and I was navigated out of that dark place, I hurt for those who have not found comfort in God and live in that dark room for longer than a week, it was a horrible and scary feeling that I assume will come back as Satan will try so hard to use me for his own negative reasons. I will not fall into his temptation, because God's love is always on my side if I continue to accept it.

Kelly Gerken from Sufficient Grace Women's Ministries http://www.sufficientgrace.net/ sent me the Dreams Of You Memory Basket included in that care package was the comfort bear. I was so blessed to receive this package the same day I went into labor, and used the comfort bear to sleep with the 2ND night at the hospital after having Vayden. I needed to make sure that I would be able to get some type of sleep at night without holding onto my baby. I rubbed the comfort bear down with Vayden's special lotion and went to sleep. That bear stays either in or near my bed every night, late last night Van couldn't sleep so he went downstairs to watch TV, the surround sound woke Vashon up and I was in no mood to explain to him why he couldn't have juice or watch boos coos (blue's clues) so I just brought him into bed with me and my comfort bear. I woke up at 10:30am and remembered that I needed to go feed a friends dog, so I got up and ran the quick errand around the corner. Van stayed down stairs making pancakes for breakfast, when I got back I went upstairs to attend church via television, since we woke up so late, and there I found Vashon sleeping like this with his what we called "his cuddle brother".

Despite what you think I really did not place him or the bear like that and when I left the house Vashon was sleep on his tummy. I thought it was so cute and it made me really sit and think of Vayden. I miss him so much, on a brighter side it's been 25 years and I've never met Michael Jackson, but my son Vayden James Stewart is up there moon crawling with the King Of Pop. OK maybe he's not crawling yet but you never know, Vayden was a very special baby boy.

Vayden's NILMDTS photos

2009-06-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today I went to pick up the rest of the NILMDTS photos. Carrie such a sweetheart also provided us with a slide show with wonderful quotes and music attached. I smiled the whole way through watching it. I was in shock to see the things she captured and I loved the way she put the slide show together. After watching the slide show I put the disc in to see the rest of the photo's. They are AMAZING!!!! She did a wonderful job and I love them so very much. She also gave me a wonderful bracelet with Vayden's name on it. Which I will upload later, I just had to get these up and my camera is charging. Carrie thank you so much for capturing such wonderful moments with our son. I love the photo of Vayden being born out my cookie jar, but will not post that, we all know why. lol. I will add the rest of the photo's to the slide show above later on tonight or tomorrow. Thank you again Carrie they are awesome. love ya

I love this one because what more can I say. It's him alive in color.

I love this one because it's a symbol of the love that his mother and father have for him.

I love this one because that is my real smile. I was so happy to be holding my son.

I love this photo, because Vayden is looking straight into Van's eyes.

Ashes to Ashes

2009-06-22T05:24:00.001-07:00

Vayden's ashes have been ready now for a lil over 2 weeks. Van and I seemed to be in a rush to get them, however when we finally got the call we politely just said OK. The plan is to spread the ashes in a large pond at Honor Heights Park in Muskogee, OK. This park is very nice, quiet and every year they put on a fantastic Christmas light show, where they light up the entire park. Van was born and raised in Muskogee and we also visit that park every yr to see the Christmas lights. I figured "what child doesn't love Xmas lights?" and at least he'll be in a place that was home to his father.

I fought long and hard for a cremation, I've only seen infant caskets on pictures but even then before I lost Vayden, they broke my heart. My religion has taught me that the body once dead is just that, a body. Vayden's sweet spirit and the light to him has gone away long ago, still I can't bare to see my sweet baby boy that was lying so perfectly in that basket, in ash form. I don't regret my choice for cremation, at one point I was even at battles with my husband whom stated that he wanted to be cremated. I told him he better hope I die first, but now actually having to face and deal with death, makes you think. We are military and we will be for a while, we will move around from place to place and at the moment have no idea, or have not agreed where we will retire. Neither Van or I have a home family cemetery, the Gibbs, Stewart's and Nolan's just don't die very often, so Vayden's death made everyone, on each side of our families really think. We all had to come together to get through the loss of Vayden and we all had to think of our own mortality. Both my mother and I have now decided that we wish to be cremated and please don't play or sing "his eye is on the sparrow" at the service.

I do plan to purchase a urn locket to keep a few of Vayden's ashes in, but one day I'm sure we will go spread them, when we work up the strength to say goodbye all over again. I don't believe that he's un happy sitting on a shelf in a thick plastic container at the mortuary, again those ashes are just the body. The thought final resting place in my opinion gives a life like need to a heavenly spirit, we the living don't want to rest uncomfortable, we sleep on soft beds with plush pillows, but those entered into Heaven, walk on streets of gold, so basically my bed isn't looking that great compared to what Vayden has. lol. Vayden has been in Heaven for almost a month now laughing, playing and I'm pretty sure he's getting super spoiled up there, so I don't feel bad about not going to spread his ashes yet. We just need a lil more time.

On Friday and Saturday my friends and I held a yard sale on base. A girl I've met a few times but didn't really know was asking prices of the boys clothes, while helping her she asked me "where's the baby, inside the house?" I didn't want to dim the mood, didn't have enough time to share his story, but I did need to honor my son, so with a smile on my face and my eyes so proud, I replied "No, he's in Heaven now". She was taken back by my reply as I was a lil caught off guard from the question. I knew the "how many children do you have?" question would come up over and over again, but I guess I thought everyone that knew I was pregnant knew what happened. Guess I was wrong. She extended her condolences and continued shopping, while I continued to play lets make a deal.

I watch Vayden's slide show or look at his pictures still everyday. I miss him so very much, but I still smile thinking about him, he was perfect and too beautiful for earth.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

2009-06-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Many of my very close friends are newly pregnant, or TTC their 2nd child. I find that I am once again the odd man out. For months I was the unfortunate gal who was carrying a baby that was going to pass. For months it was said to me "I don't know how you do it". Now I am asked "Do you plan to have anymore? " or " When are you going to try again?" The answer to those questions are, Yes and I don't know.

Can I say that there is fear behind the wait to jump back into the game? Yes, I can. However as any mother knows pregnancy can be uncomfortable, tiring and lets be honest, I love being able to see my feet and sleep on stomach. I do not suffer from that feeling that if I have another I will replace Vayden or forget about him. I will never forget Vayden. I do wonder if I happen to have another boy, what on earth will I name him. I have surely ran out of names that start with V for a boy. Everyone of my friends and family want me to be tortured by having a lil girl, so I probably wont have do address that issue. I still remember the response from everyone when we found out Vayden was a boy and suffered from LUTO. It was not "OMG, what is that is he going to be ok?" it was "are they sure it's a boy?" attached with a silent (darn).

I can not place a date on when I plan to start TTC, but at my 2 wks post partum appointment I found myself either refusing or making excuses for the offered methods of birth control. My mind says, "no you don't want to be pregnant for virtually 18 months" but way in the back of my mind, I think how great it would be to keep up with the Joneses. Have my baby right along with my friends. But then I remember I already had my 2nd baby, I already served my 8 months of pregnancy. I haven't had a glass of wine in 11 months, and most of all I am still emotionally grieving the loss of Vayden; despite the fact that I don't cry everyday anymore.

How am I doing? Is the BIG question that so many wonderful supporters ask. I'm doing well, better than I expected to be honest. I find that the majority of my thoughts about Vayden are accompanied by a smile. It is only the future thoughts about Vayden in which I become sad or cry, when I think or him as a 2 yr old like Vashon, or playing in the backyard, fishing with his father. To those thoughts I tend to become sad and hurt for my loss, Vayden wont experience those things here on earth. However to brighten my mood I also note that he wont experience being laid off, betrayed, lied to, broken hearted, bad grades, and even getting yelled at by his parents. Somewhat of a balance, I guess.

Thank you for asking me how I am doing and I will never get sick of that question, because the answer will be different everyday. I have a lot going on and BIG BIG plans that I will discuss in future post. Just know that Vayden's death and memory will not go in vain and I have found that all things do work together for good to those that love God.

One week without Vayden ~ Through his mothers eyes

2009-05-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

One week ago my baby passed away and joined a host of angel friends in heaven. I miss him dearly. Last Sunday was the day I left the hospital, the room was cleared out as our family waited downstairs for us, Van and I held Vayden kissed him, told him we'll see him again, and most of all said "we love you" Before the nurse came in we bowed our heads and prayed that God get us through this and give us strength, we praised him for the time he allowed us with Vayden and asked that he be well taken care of. The nurse came in and walked with us slowly to the room where we were going to leave Vayden. Van asked if I wanted to carrying him, as much as I did, I said "no, you do it, I carried him for 8 months". We walked slowly, handed him over and cried the entire way out of the hospital. It wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to take my baby with me, not a blanket that smelled like him.

Monday through Wednesday, every morning when I would wake up, I would have this uncontrollable shaking of my upper body, however I felt numb. I will admit that my appetite was non existent, even with some of my favorite foods eating was something I had no need for. One day at 10pm I realized that aside from drinking water, I had only eaten two pcs of bread that entire day, yet I was still not hungry. On Thursday I finally went to get my nails done, it felt right and wrong. Of course a woman should pamper herself, but what mother who just had a baby on Saturday would be at the nail shop on Thursday?? I don't look pregnant anymore, I'm happy to see my feet again, my nail tech said, "long time no see, how's the baby?" At that moment I wished I could have been a woman that still looks pregnant even after the baby is born. I walked around from store to store, trying to find something to wear for his memorial service. This time shopping didn't seem so fun.

On Thursday me and Van went to view Vayden's body one last time, before his remains would be turned into ashes. I thought it would be this CSI, john doe thing, go into the morgue, open a stainless steel refrigerator door and confirm that was Vayden. I was pleasantly surprised when she escorted us to a room where Vayden laid in a small basket wrapped in a warm blanket, under a soft light. He was beautiful, his skin so pink, I'm not sure if they put make up on him, but they did brush his hair. She closed the door and said take all the time you need. We spent about 15-20 min in with Vayden crying and kisses him, getting the last hugs and pictures with him. I am so thankful I was able to see him that way as a last way of seeing him, he truly looked like he was just sleeping. What a wonderful, wonderful picture for memory.

Monday through Friday I stayed up late into the night planning and preparing for the service, the over planner over protective, I want it my way side came out of me, as I felt that I had home court advantage over the service planning. I am his mother, right? Many times I had to remind myself that I am not the only one grieving this loss & that my family is just here to help.

Last week I should have been planning my baby shower to be on Saturday (5/30). Instead I planned for my sons memorial service. Saturday morning, dressed for a funeral, I told Van, we should be going to Vayden's baby shower, not his funeral. He held me tight wiped my tears, and said we're going to get through this. Van has been amazing, with this all, at times I expected to walk through this alone, he has proved me so wrong and I have fallen in love with him all over again. I married a wonderful man.

I speak to everyone that calls me on the phone, so if you'd like to call please know that unless I'm spending time with Van or Vashon I will be up to talking. I cry everyday, but I also laugh everyday. I feel that is a healthy balance and I make it a strong point to wake up, give thanks to God, shower, drink lots of water and if I have a moment, I take my moment. I scream, I cry, I laugh, I smile, I do it all for my son. I love him dearly, miss him tremendously and will never forget that moment when he looked into my eyes.

* A 2nd post is below that talks about his memorial service*

Remembering Vayden ~ Memorial Service

2009-05-31T05:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked one week without my baby Vayden. It was also the day we celebrated his life and hosted his memorial service. The service was held at Bill Eisenhour Funeral Home, in Del City, OK and officiated by Pastor P.S. Hagger of New Testament Christian Church of Del City. The Service was only about an hour long but was so meaningful. I feel we honored Vayden greatly, his unique name will allow him to stand out, his story will continue to touch the hearts of many and the love that everyone has for him will be everlasting. I read the poem "A pair of shoes" my husband and all the other military members that attended, stood up all dressed in their AF blues and sang the "Air Force Song" that Van sang to both Vayden and Vashon. As a tribute to Vayden, my husband, mother and dear friend Sheena read special remarks about Vayden our family and my strength in carrying to term. The slide show I provided was played, which brought on a lil tears but also brought laughter. The service although sad had it's moments where the guest laughed as we brought light to this situation.
Pastor Hagger was amazing, I had only met this man two days prior, but he spoke so wonderfully. All I said to him was please don't talk about "why me". I wanted the guest to leave the service; hug their husbands, wives and run fast to go pick up their kids. I did not want them to leave thinking "what kind of God do we have that would take a baby". That is exactly what he did as his message spoke about "Appointments" it touched me personally because, he spoke about how we prepare for so many appointments in the world, but how we rarely prepare for our appointment to meet the Lord. It was comforting to know that although I was praying and praying for a different outcome for Vayden, I also prepared myself for his appointment, I enjoyed my time with him, I gave him so much love, hugs and kisses, I found out character traits about him while still in the womb, told him about his family. When the time came to finally meet him, we did the same as we prepared for his appointment. Showing him nothing but pure 100% true love, if you have to go you couldn't go in a better way than that.

The funeral home was so kind and great, the directors were very pleasant I was am very happy that we chose them, to celebrate Vayden's life with us, they even came to us after the service and told us that they don't get many babies, when they do they are always a lil sadder, but Vayden's service was the best they've seen by far. Talk about putting a smile on face.

I have no regrets about the service and thank everyone who helped me and my family put this thing together in only 1 week. I now know why I never had a formal wedding, party planning is hard. lol

We've received and are so thankful for all the flowers, but we'd also like to offer as an alternative. Consider making a donation to the following non profit organizations that have been extremely helpful in Vayden's name:

Now I lay Me Down To Sleep – Infant bereavement photography http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

The Fetal hope foundation - to help spread the word about rare fetal conditions like LUTO. http://www.fetalhope.org/

String Of Pearls – provides a nurturing and safe place for families as they navigate the path following a fatal prenatal diagnosis that will result in the death of their baby prior to, or shortly after birth. http://stringofpearlsonline.org/index.html

Sufficient Grace Women’s Ministries – Provides, comfort packages to families in time of loss, along with great support. http://www.sufficientgrace.net/

The birth story of an Angel

2009-05-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

It was May 22, 2009. I was awaken early by a phone call from Van, saying their coming home (finally) today and I need to pick him up at noon, I looked at the clock, OMG!!! it's 8am. The house was a bit of a mess, Vashon's toys everywhere. I get up rush to clean up shower and shave I hadn't seen my husband in 23 days. Our Memorial day weekend was already planned to go to Tulsa to spend with his side of the family at the lake, kind of our way of having one more weekend of normal life before our world was turned upside down. The delay in Van getting home and our to do list, gave us a lil time at home, no time to pack, and few mins to take a nap. We wake up and remember that we needed to change our cell phone service from sprint to AT&T, so we head over to the AT&T store. It was 5:40pm when I casually text my mom saying "I may be having minor contractions, hope your bags are packed". Thinking in my mind they were nothing but braxton hicks. I never experienced them with Vashon, so I really wasn't sure. In fact I insisted I had gas for about 20 min, not gonna lie I did eat Mexican food that day, lol.

By 6:30 pm the contractions, were about 3-4 min apart, and I was in a lot of pain. Still I insisted they were braxton hicks and if I went in to be checked I would only be about 2 cm dilated. I asked Van to take me home, so I could take a warm bath then lay down for an hour. That didn't work out to well as the pain became stronger and closer and Van over ruled and said we're going to the hospital. I still felt they were going to keep me for a lil while stop labor and what not so we didn't pack, not to mention Van was so freaked out by my intense screams he could no longer bare to see me in such pain.

At 7:20 pm we're in OB triage and I'm told that I'm already 8cm dilated. WOW!!!! I broke down crying, looked at the nurse and said I have 7 nails, my hair is nappy and my eyebrows look like chubaca. They unlocked my bed and started rolling it Labor and Delivery, that is when I realized that I didn't even know I was dilated, and I clearly labor fast. Then it hit me. I have nothing for Vayden. I cried and cried, how could I have done so much to remember my son while I carried him and nothing on the day I finally would meet him? I asked for my epidural ASAP!!! and got it. Then started to calm down, I was going to figure something out.
I asked Van to call Carrie from NILMDTS, I asked for my purse thank God my camera was in there and had a decent charge. I then got my phone knowing I could have maybe an hour or two, I was going to refuse to be checked for as long as I could. This baby wasn't coming out until he forced himself out. I was not planning to help. lol.
I called my friend Sara who I knew lived not to far from the hospital. I asked if she could please go to wal mart and get a preemie baby outfit a blanket and a cap. She was honored to do it and was there quickly she even remembered to pick up some socks for Vayden. I thank her so very much for how helpful she was. I still wanted my care packages, so I called my friend Morgan who lives off base but has access to get on. She had to come to the hospital to get our house key , then to our house and back to the hospital. She didn't think twice about coming and did it quickly. Carrie from NILMDTS had no photographers in town, she said that she would come out to be with us. Carrie just went through a round of chemo that week I knew she probably wasn't feeling great, but she found the strength to come be with us. Truly 3 wonderful walking angels.

Once everyone was there, my midwife (who was not on call but came up to be with me) told me I was ready and I could start pushing. With my midwife, two nurse and Van by my side I started pushing. Carrie stayed quiet in the back round taking photo and my MIL walked in about 5 min before his head was out. Midnight Vayden James Stewart was born 4 lbs 15 oz & 17 3/4" long. Only one ounce bigger than his brother Vashon, but looking just like he did when he was born. I fell in love all over again. Vayden let out a cry it was a bit of a struggling sound, but we were told he may not even be able to cry. They left him on my chest for a lil while until the placental expelled, so that we could hear him cry and coo more. He opened his eyes and looked into the eyes of both me and my husband. Van's attachment hit instantly, he was overwhelmed with joy and sadness, because he knew Vayden was fighting for his life. I however only felt utter and complete joy. I was so happy he made it through labor and a vaginal delivery.

After a few mins with him I wanted to know more about his condition, he just looked too perfect, to be sick, although we could hear his weak cry and see his struggle to breathe he was just so perfect. Van cut the cord and we let him go to the other side of the room to receive a quick assessment. Everyone in the room politely stayed out of my way so that I could still see him. They checked him and said his heart was great but his breathing was bad, I asked for him to come back to my arms, but requested that daddy bring him to me. The NICU Dr's said he could be with us for about 30-60 min without breathing support.

We took that time to love on Vayden, I sang "you are my sunshine" and "happy birthday" my husband sang the Air Force song, he always sang to Vashon to get him to calm down. We cried and gave thanks to God at the same time. Two hours later with no breathing support Vayden was still with us. We called for the NICU to come down, we were considering having him taken up there to get a better assessment. They came down with a machine to check Vayden's lungs and oxygen levels, she sat with us and told us that his lungs were very underdeveloped and he was not getting proper oxygen. She then paused with tears in her eyes, said we can take him upstairs but that will not save him just prolong this. We agreed with our initial choice to show him nothing but love, we said thank you and she left us with our baby. Thirty min later that same NICU Dr. came to our room and said she felt she didn't tell us enough. While holding Vayden in my arms she said, "you guys are doing the right thing", tears came to her eyes as she said we are in her prayers.

Right before he passed away we had him baptized and Van, myself and his paternal grandmother told him "it's ok to go home to be with Jesus" Vayden fooled us for a while as he would get very quiet, we thought he had gone and then he would let out a coo cry or open his eyes. One last kiss on his cheek I said "it's ok baby, you can go, I love you".

Vayden James Stewart died in my arms at 3:45am. We held him and cried. I got up to use the restroom and broke down as I had to change my blood stained hospital gown. I begged the nurse to please let me keep it. She said it was fine. I pulled myself together walked over to my son and changed him into a different outfit from what his father put him in earlier. It was not hard at all as I smiled and handled Vayden gently.

We made foot prints on everything, the hospital did a 3D mold of his hands and feet, we took over 300+ pictures. Then me and Van laid in bed with our son and fell asleep.

I'm so proud of Vayden he fought a good fight and changed my world along with many others. Although short, what a meaningful life. Something we all strive for, something my son did. He is in Heaven now watching over mommy, daddy, and brother Vashon.

We give thanks to God for giving us a life changing 3 hrs and 45 min with our son.

- For every comment, text message, email and phone call thank you. I do read them all and I do appreciate every single one of them. Thank you so very much

An angel was born

2009-05-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

Vayden James Stewart was born May 23,2009 at midnight. He weighed 4 lbs 15 oz and was 17 3/4" long. Vayden lived with us for 3 hrs 45 min, without any breathing support. We were so blessed to hear him cry, see him open his eyes and coo a lil. He was struggling but still strong. We miss him very very much but were so very blessed that he made it through a vaginal delivery and stayed with us for almost 4 hrs. God is Good. Vayden was 35 wks exactly. His in in heaven now, watching over his daddy, mommy and big brother Vashon. He was welcomed into nothing but love and he left with nothing but love. I will write soon with my birth story.

p.s. He looked just like Vashon when Vashon was born, however Vayden had 1 ounce on Vashon. Go Vayden!!!

But you gotta have faith

2009-05-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

In these past few weeks more strangers are becoming brave to ask me questions about why I'm carrying to term, why I'm selecting comfort care, and the bravest of the brave ask me why I'm just going to let my baby die? I've also had many people tell me to pray and pray harder, I've been constantly reminded that God performs miracles, and I need to keep my faith.

I have faith. I still love God in fact I love him even more now, is that not faith? I'm carrying to term, I found out I lost fluid at 22 weeks, 12 weeks ago I could have said it's over lets get him out, but I didn't. Is that not faith? Is accepting that our prayers for a total and complete healing will be answered on earth or in heaven not faith? Yet because I contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and because I've booked the base chapel. I've been told that I don't have faith in what God can do.

So because I planned for the worst and the best, I have now spoken death to my child and there is no need for God to intervene??? Is that what you are trying to tell me ??? How many stories have you heard of people trying to slit their wrist and missing the vein? Or blow their brains out and missing the part that kills them?? is that not God??

God is not Santa Clause, all too often do people expect him to be, at the first moment they don't get what they wanted, they turn their back on him.

God is not and never does things like this to push you in the ground and kick dirt in your mouth, from all that is bad something does come good.

The point that I'm making is this is not up to me anymore, in fact it never was. However I have been told something is wrong and it has been explained to me how fatal it can be. I find that I've done a wonderful job in keeping my FAITH in check, otherwise this would have been over a long time ago. I want my baby more than anything, as I'm sure all the other wonderful faithful parents who have lost did also. I don't know what the final chapter will read for Vayden, but please don't mis understand my actions for a lack of faith, especially if you have not walked two steps in the shoes I'm wearing now.

I've addressed our choice for comfort care in previous post, so no need to go back around that merry go round, please understand that comfort care is not set in stone. Vayden will be assessed and then and only then will the true choice be made. I will not even address the "why am I just going to let my baby die?" because everyone who knows me and has truly read Vayden's story knows that we would never do something like that.

Maternity Photo Shoot

2009-05-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

When I was 31 weeks, I was offered a courtesy photo shoot, from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ They do remembrance photography for the unfortunate families that have to deal with the hurt and pain of loosing a child. The service is completely free and the photographers work on a volunteer only base, taking time out of their busy life and work schedules to be there for families in the most tragic times. Carrie LaFollette is the NILMDTS OKC Metro Area Coordinator, I contacted her after finding out that Vayden's kidneys had failed. She opened her arms, heart and ears to me within mins of reading my email, never once did she treat me like a job, she spoke to me like a friend. Carrie is fighting colon cancer, I would like everyone who prays for Vayden to please also pray for her in this battle, she is a true walking angel http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/carrielafollette . From Carrie I met Christy Walker Goodger of Goodger Photography, in OKC http://www.imagesoflove.com/ . Christy is a very very talented photographer and a volunteer for NILMDTS, when she met with us we talked for a while and she was so warm and welcoming, she also did not treat me like a job, she treated me like a friend. I feel in love with her mins into the session and I wish I could take her home and keep her. I never once thought the pictures may not look good, and as you can see below they are perfect. Christy's son Ryan just joined the USAF "Go Blue" so while you're praying for everyone else, please pray that he does well and that the family doesn't miss him too much. Christy is also a walking angel.
Here are the photos done by Christy Goodger, thank you so much - The Stewart Family

Please consider supporting the mission of NILMDTS http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/donate/

* it can be done in Vayden's name

She told me to just say "F*%^ It"

2009-05-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was my time to get my it's just not fair moment. I took it very hard and cried for almost the whole day. I had wonderful people just a phone call away to help me through the tears. They have all been through some form of life event that makes you go in the corner scream and cry, WHY ME??? and say things like IT'S NOT FAIR!!!. Because they knew 1st hand what I was going through they let me have my time to sulk in my bad day, they listened and did not judge. I thank you Auntie, Lisa, Jessica and Kristen.

I went to bed with every intention to wake up and have a better day, however that was not the case. I felt bad all over again. My mom so perfectly called me as I was having my moment once again, with her past experience she let me have my moment, however being that she is my mother, she gave me the wonderful motherly advice I needed. I was then able to speak to Jenn who lost Matthew only 2 mo ago, I was reassured once again that the feelings I was having were normal. Thank you Mom and Jenn.

Pam is a military wife who's daughter is suffering from potters syndrome. She is stationed in Alaska away from family, like myself and is dealing with a lot of feelings a mixed emotions. She is the only one I know of right now standing in limbo with me. She is set to deliver 1 week after I do. I emailed her to tell her about my hard time, knowing she would understand thinking she would maybe be going through those same feelings right along with me. However in her reply she said her supportive piece but then told me to just say "f*^% it". She said it's not about anyone right now, but Vayden, and to just spend time with him and enjoy whatever I have with him. She said not to worry and stress over the people who don't yet understand or make it hard for me, she said just stop giving a damn. Have fun with Vayden, make memories and be a normal pregnant woman, not one that feels her belly is a burden.

I took her advice immediately. I got dressed got Vashon dressed, turned my phone on silent and me and my boys went to the zoo. We had a wonderful time, of course until we had to leave and Vashon hit the floor and I had to walk away gracefully. Otherwise I would be in questioning from CPS, lol. After the zoo we got a fat burrito from chipotle and I ate it all in under 10 min ( nothing out of the norm for me, lol)

I'm glad I listened to Pam it was wonderful advice. I didn't cry over Vayden, I enjoyed him and it was a good day. So thank you Pam.

*Above are the pics from today. The 1st pic is Vashon when we left the zoo, he was so mad at me that we had to leave. I was talking to him and he just put his sunglasses on to try to block me out. Take note to how he put them on, lol. I'm 33 weeks along and here is yet another place that Vayden has been so blessed to visit.

*Today I did a double post, so there is also a second post below this one FYI*

Birth Mothers

2009-05-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

Birth mothers are remarkable wonderful women in my opinion. Yet they are so often made to look like drug addicts or money hungry women. The big picture is that they giving Gods greatest gift to a family worthy but not able, not everyone can be a birth mother and it's not an easy thing to do.

A former classmate of mine, is a birth mother. When I found out that Vayden was said to not make it. I battled with contacting her, in my heart I felt like she may understand me just as a mother who's child has died, however I didn't want to imply that I viewed her child as dead. I contacted her anyway after weeks of questioning myself. She was of wonderful help. At first she didn't see how she could be of any help to me, her son was still alive. However as she started going on in her email reply she began to notice how similar we were. Our bodies will do the same thing with no baby to take the milk, no reason why we're so fat, lol (joke). What made us even more alike was the choice we had to make. My battle between comfort care and invasive care was very much like her battle between keeping her baby and giving him up. The reasons behind the decision didn't matter, it's the battle between the two that was the same.

This is not a political debate, the purpose is to thank the birth mother that I've spoken to in my journey of being uneasy and unsure. It is to let her and all other birth mommies know that you also experience some form of loss, I understand that now more than ever. I can not control whether or not I will keep Vayden, in some form I feel I have it easier than she did. But all in all, this one thing is true, It's in Gods hands.

About 12 weeks ago my mother and I cried together. She said that if Vayden does go to look at it as him being well taken care of by a women in heaven who wasn't able to have children on earth. She would be there for him until it was time for me to come back, but I will always be his birth mother. That was a wonderful thing to hear, it made me feel comforted that if in fact I did loose my baby boy, not only would he be with our great father God, but he would also have a mommy while I was away.

If I don't get what I want out of this, and we all know what I really want. I will have gained so much knowledge and such a wonderful understanding of beavered parents and birth mothers, even people that have lost close friends or family. I have gained medical knowledge about things that I would have never thought about and most of all, my faith and my trust in God has grown so much, even when things look so dark. I still never and wont blame him.

It wasn't supposed to be this way

2009-04-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

"All things work together for good, to those that love God" -Romans 8:28

That verse is hanging on the wall in my house, every time you go down the stairs you see it. Such a powerful verse, it's something that you have to hold onto even when you so badly want to question, "Now how can that be in my situation?"

It's not supposed to be this way. This isn't at all how I planned this out. I should be done with Vayden's room, a Jungle Book theme, I should be watching A Baby Story being excited for all these other mommies. I chose a midwife this time around because I wanted to try to at least feel one real contraction, I should be watching "The Business of Being Born" over and over again, preparing myself physically and mentally to have a drug free birth. If this pregnancy were normal I would be online purchasing Vashon's "I'm the BIG BROTHER" t-shirt and Van's #1 DAD shirt. My diaper n wipe shower would be soon coming up, and I would stay on line in chat rooms like Cafemom or Babyfit, talking to other mommies due in June about all the things we love and hate about pregnancy.

Instead the room that is next to Vashon's is now ready for guest that come to our home. I stay away from TLC and the Discovery Health channel. I will have a medicated and induced birth because I don't want to be too tired to spend time with Vayden and I would like for him to meet his grandmothers. No T-shirts are being ordered and the only showers I've been seeing are the April showers that bring May flowers. I don't go on the chat rooms very often, and my view on the joys and pitfalls of pregnancy have changed. I no longer think it totally sucks to not be able to eat sushi or have a beer. I feel like every hard moment is just a blessing towards your next blessing the baby itself. However I feel all the pains and pitfalls of pregnancy I also emotionally deal with so much more.

Yesterday we met with the Chaplain on base. It was our first appointment to get us on a spiritual pathway together as a couple as things begin to rock our world. I have in this last week became very angry and emotional. I can not pin point or target where my anger is coming from or whom it's directed to, but I'm angry. We were told to walk not run through this Valley of Death and that it's OK to question God, however God doesn't have to answer all the time. He spoke of the story of Job, how he basically lost everything except his love for God, and how in the end, all things worked together for good. Even after reading that story in the Bible, I can not seem to wrap my whole heart around this being good in any form.

Where is the good in a marriage that is being tested so hard that you feel it may be torn apart?
Where is the good in being afraid to try to have another one?
Where is the good in the friends I've lost due to this taboo topic?
What is good about no sleep?
What is good about crying all the time?
What is good about a condition that we can't even fight with research? This is a fluke, it just happens, How can I be of any help to anyone else with this when the outcomes are random. Sometimes you get through it sometimes you don't. It's all luck, because Vayden's was caught early enough, I had a good medical team, I went in for intervention..........yet still.

I'm not angry at God. Like I said before I don't know why or who my anger is directed to, it could be my lack of sleep or that time is quickly coming and as much as I want to hold my baby I have to be prepared to let him go if called to heaven. That is a bittersweet want; or maybe this anger is Fear of the unknown and of what I can not control. I keep reminding myself that God is crying with me, he hurts like I hurt, so I really don't think I'm angry with him. Although the creator of all I'm aware that these negatives in life are a direct result of living in a world of sin. I just keep praying he pull me from this anger and bring me back to that state of peace.

I just keep thinking is, it wasn't supposed to be this way.

You Are My Sunshine

2009-04-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

Today my husband and I met with our palliative care rep and the neo natologist that will be working on Vayden’s induction date. We had a few questions as to what was medically available for him post birth and wanted to get her stand point on our choice to select comfort care vs. invasive care. I feel that in order to get the best care possible the Dr. needs to be on the same page with the patient. She is completely on board with us and actually praises us for the brave choice we’ve made.

This appointment did get me teary eyed, as she prepared us for how Vayden may look appearance wise and what to be prepared for post delivery, although such a sweet woman she constantly attached his name with phrases like “will pass shortly” or “these numbers don’t good”. She gave us a realistic outcome but also knew of our faith, so she gave us all the outcomes, both good and bad. Some that I was not even aware were possible. I was surprised to see how she made this situation not only about me but she also included Van. To his surprise he was told that he would be helping her out while she did the quick assessment on Vayden and how she felt that was necessary for the father to make memories. She was also very compassionate and understanding that in many cases things like this don’t truly hit the father until the baby is born, and she only expects him to be a tiny bit stronger than me, however she mentioned that in many cases the father turns into the complete wreck.

We were asked if we wanted to tour the NICU, we declined. We feel that if Vayden is meant to stay with us he will not even need to visit that side of the hospital. Not to mention no matter who’s child it is, the NICU is not always a pretty place. Special cases like ours deliver in special rooms with special pictures on the doors. The labor and delivery unit is separated by two sides, the joyful mommies to be and excited guest in the waiting room side, and the high-risk side. Even on today’s tour I could tell the difference. Less baby portraits hanging on the walls, the nurses stationed seemed quieter, and our palliative care nurse was well known, so sad eyes of sorrow hit us as they welcomed Debbie back again. It was like they knew why she was there with us and they knew our case was special aka high-risk.

My sleep is now being interrupted; two nights ago I had my first dream about Vayden’s birth. I’ve tried to daydream the birth out but have never gotten far, that night I had to fight my own self to wake up. This dream did not end good and we did loose Vayden, but what woke me up and kept me up the rest of the night was how fast it all happened, and how although I saw my precious sweet baby I didn’t pay close attention to him. In the dream Vayden was a standard baby outline, yet had a glowing gold color, I suppose how you would picture an angel. Once I was awake I was un able to go back to sleep and I cried and cried downstairs. Last night was not easy on falling asleep as I laid in bed wondering if I should ask for some type of sleep aid to make it through these next 6 wks.
Before my appointment today I was upstairs curling my hair and started humming the tune, “you are my sunshine”. It made me think of Vayden, so I quickly spoke the lyrics to the song…then got to “you’ll never know dear how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away”. A tear came to my eye as I said to myself this is the song I will now sing to Vayden everyday and when I deliver him

When it hits. It hits hard.

2009-04-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

I knew it. I was too cool yesterday. Someone who didn't know me, said my sons name attached with "is more than likely to pass shortly after birth." When the perinatalogist would refer to Vayden he would call him "the baby". But now he is no longer "the baby" he's Vayden. I hate bladder obstructions, to hear the term a fluke will always bug me. In my life I thought a fluke would be hitting a million dollar jackpot and only using 2 quarters. That is really not the case.

Do things like this make you think about what you once considered to be unfair in life? Vashon was born with a moderate case of eczema, the worst part was that it was on his face. I recall crying and crying at night over this. Upset and angry wondering why my baby boy had to have this condition, yet we found a cream that actually worked in the flare ups and he grew out of it by age one. As silly as I feel about my passion for fixing his eczema I can relate to the core of my tears and anger. My child was in pain, and I couldn't do anything to fix it. Mothers and Fathers of even adult children know how bad that feeling is, flash backing on my 1 yr battle with eczema makes me even more at peace with our choice to select comfort care for Vayden.

This is all still so un real. It's like no matter how many needles in the belly, how many u/s sounds in different rooms at different offices I still sometimes feel like it's not my son it's their machines. Not that I've been taking it lightly, but I can guess that if I didn't have access to the internet or wasn't computer savvy, I would probably be on planet Care Bear. I'm grateful for the knowledge I searched for every night for months. I can't express the thankfulness I have for the other PUV or LUTO families who have lost. Still sometimes I wish I could be like my dad and not be able to use the FLASH button on the phone correctly. (sorry dad) The truth is, it makes things more simple, sure you don't know too much but you also don't hurt as much. I know this for a fact because my father is sick from something I can not even tell you the name of. The question isn't do I not know? the question is do I want to know? The answer is No. I know the basics and what not but I stay away from the text book side and the statistics, etc. He is my daddy and I love him, what more do I really need to know.
I wonder still sometimes why I didn't take that same pathway with Vayden's condition. I don't regret grabbing all the knowledge I took in and I also don't regret staying away from the text books in terms of my father. Every now and then I think would my days be easier if I didn't know as much as I know.

Well like I said in the post below I was sure this would hit me today and it has.

I'm still praying for you Vayden

7 weeks......

2009-04-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Hello all, we're back with more info and further updates. My family and I took a 2 week vacation to California and Las Vegas, NV. It was wonderful, greatly needed and we had a blast. We also managed to make some wonderful memories with Vayden which are discussed in the blog post below.

Now it's back to reality, Tick Tock, Tick Tock. We've schedule a date to induce June 5, 2009, that leaves me with 7 weeks hopefully, as we all know babies sick or healthy come when they want to. However I'm hoping my lil guy will stay in the oven that long, the planner in me must have everything ready and everyone here, but like any planned BIG day, something can always go wrong. ( I will be 37 wks that day)

Today my husband and I met with comfort care rep, I was preparing myself for an appointment filled with tears and many "I don't know" answers to her questions. However it was not the case. As lil as I've spoken to my spouse about all this his plan is very much the same as mine. We did hit some dead ends which now I see what needs to be talked about, but all in all we both have the same idea of what we want for Vayden. We both understand his condition and his life expectancy and we're both afraid of the unknown.

I am aware that it's not over until it's over, but like I've said before I'm also aware of the reality of this condition. I've been very clear in my prayers as to what I want and believe that my request will be granted in one of two forms. I am at peace with knowing that God in fact did listen to all of you and will answer our prayers. I must ask that you please be at peace with that also. With 7 weeks left I find that I need to get my behind into gear and get as much done as I can so that I can focus as much time on Vayden when he's born.

Our birth plan is very simple and straight forward. I will deliver vaginally with the use of an epidural so I'm alert and not too tired. Vayden will be immediately placed on my chest for kangaroo care and time with him while he's still attached to the cord and the placenta to me. That will give us a few extra mins with Vayden if born alive, since my placenta is his current life support. We plan to decline any breathing support other than oxygen, but we are going to speak to the neo natalogist next week to see what options are out there and what he thinks would be best. Van is at odds with cutting the cord, on one side it's a bonding memory & at the other side he feels it's him cutting Vayden's life off. We plan to just play it by ear and I hope the lord speaks to him as to what is best at that time. We were told what we're able to do and have and we plan to roll with the punches as we can never set anything in stone until he's born. I plan to take a list of all those things offered for care and memory keepsakes, in the stress of the moment I tend to forget many things. With that list I will have choices of everything available then we can choose what we really want at the time.

I feel a bit numb right now. I think I over prepared myself for this appointment that I knew every single thing they were going to talk about. Hearing someone else say Vayden's name attached with "if born still" or "will soon pass" was like hearing "what time is it?" It will most likely hit me tomorrow and I will cry my eyes out as I replay the conversation today and begin to make plans and get things together. 7 weeks can go by so fast, in my case I hope it takes it's precious time.

As my prayer request is still the same I've added one additional request. TIME. I suppose I can say I'm ok with letting him go home to be with God if needed. Although I still want the chance to meet him alive even if only for a short while. So if you all could continue to stand in agreement in prayer with me for a total and complete healing along with TIME, I would greatly appreciate it. Vayden baby please keep fighting for 7 more weeks until we meet you sweetheart.

A lil about Vayden

2009-03-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

This will be a fun post that you will have to keep an eye on. I've known about Vayden since I was only 3 wks along. Even before all the drama of LUTO due to PUV, this lil one has been something to talk about. I will give you some basics about Vayden thus far and continue to add as I cherish this time with him and take note to some funny and not so funny things about him. I hope this brings a lil light to this blog as I know I've brought many of you to tears with some of the previous post.

Vayden has always and will always hate Jalapenos, however I love them, in fact that is how I figured out that I just might be pregnant. (aside from the ridiculous fight with his father, lol) I had a nacho thing for weeks, before I found out. I wanted nachos all the time I snuck and ate them for breakfast. lol. Vayden however made it very clear to me that he hated them. I spent hrs on the toilet with severe stomach pains. Yet I kept saying "I'm the mama, you will not run me!" and I also kept eating them. To this day his dislike for jalapenos still stands, and I still test him by eating them.

Early in my pregnancy I swore to everyone that Vayden was a girl. However I did not want a girl. But I was sure I was having a girl, because this baby made my hair fall out, my skin break out. I could wave at you and my nail would break off. I grew a 5th wisdom tooth, and I'm almost sure that I started growing hair from my chin, not to mention split ends, smelly gas, an attitude that should have made my husband leave me, and my arm pits smelled. lol. I was sure no boy of mine would do so much damage to me. Must all my kids put me through the ringer?

Vayden loves Starbucks coffee, a white chocolate mocha to be exact. I found that with no swimming pool to flip in coffee gets him going. I normally wouldn't drink coffee during pregnancy but I've been known to kinda spoil my kids, with a decent reason to back up my actions. lol. So every now n then me and Vayden go to Starbucks for our special fix. I just love those baby kicks.

Vayden is so sweet and just like his mom, loves cereal. We (meaning Vayden & I) go through about 3 bxs a week. Yeah, is a matter of fact......I'm going to get a bowl now.........

Vayden loves strawberry ice cream in all forms. Milk shake form, Popsicles, and most of all straight up strawberry ice cream. I've always had a love for any and all ice cream, but with this pregnancy all I want to eat is strawberry flavor.

Vayden likes when I sleep on my back, yet my husband hates it with a passion because I snore so loud. However I've also found that he can deal with me sleeping on my side at times.

Vayden moves most when I'm calm. When I'm reading or just downstairs alone, he's a bouncy baby. Yet when I have to yell at Vashon or chase him down, Vayden hides quietly. I wonder if he's in fear that he's next??? I know many times I say to Vashon " I brought you into this world, I'm not afraid to take you out"

Vayden's sleep is not too bad. I mean yea he's up at night but not all night. I get to feel both in the day and night time.

Vayden has been stubborn since the beginning. Even with the weekly bladder taps that I thought he'd be use to after the 2nd one. Vayden would move out of place or even once tried to grab at the needle. I would say "you better be a star, so I can mention all this on your E! true Hollywood story"

Vayden's name was picked from my close friend Kim, we were the only two that liked the name upon hearing it. Everyone else said he would be teased, being called Darth or Dark Vader (sp) but I don't watch Star Wars, so I have no idea. Is he a good guy or bad guy? either way I've heard he's pretty cool. And so is my son

4/15/2009 - Vayden went on a plane for the first time. The Stewart Family took a nice trip to California and also Las Vegas, NV. I think he was a lil nervous on the plane ride there, he was making me very uncompfortable.

Vayden also got to taste the BEST hamburger I've had in my 25 yrs of life. IN N OUT Burger and boy was it good.

Vayden loved Cali, he moved so much and my belly even grew a bit while we were down there, all that wonderful west coast food will do that to you. Thankfully I only put on 2 lbs in 4 wks. :)

Vayden went to the Beach, The Aquarium, The Lake we fed the ducks, and tour Las Vegas in style.

He also was able to hear the voices of many of my families members who love and have been praying for him.

And I bet you are wondering have I had jalapenos again???? YES, lol I'm still the mama, he wont run me. lol and Yes I was in pain.....lol

Vayden still loves cereal and his big brother got to feel him move. It really freaked Vashon out.

(*Vashon just turned 2 yrs old and well......that's a whole different blog. Blues Clues aka Boos Koos is his favorite show right now, he still parties in his room til 1 am with no diaper on. And no he's not potty trained......yuck. )

* that's all for now about Vayden, I will edit this post often as I find more funny and unique things about my lil boy. I will also continue the usual updates. I did however want to shine some light on this thunderstorm.

Best wishes

Steph & Vayden

Trying to Take The High Road

2009-03-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm almost 26 wks pregnant with a child who's condition has been said to be incompatible with life. I find that now after knowing for about 3 wks now. I have come to terms with his condition and the decision to choose comfort care post birth. In my last attempt to find out about this horrible plague, I found a wonderful support group with some wonderful very supportive people online. I was even so lucky to find 2 mothers who are in my same exact shoes as we speak. Two wonderful women who don't deserve this but two women who have handled themselves in the most mature and elegant manner that I wish to also do the same. Jenn recently had baby Matthew who is in heaven now, and Kelly is soon to have baby Jonah later this week. Like I said i'm number 3. I was directed to read Waiting With Gabriel and I can not put that book down. It's a wonderful story of a woman who is given horrible news like I have been given, chooses the same outcome as I have and takes the high road about it from there and beyond. It's inspiring while also very comforting to know once again this does happen to other people not just me.

My belly is getting bigger and I'm loving my pregnant body, I carry so well, not to toot my own horn. (but toot toot) Vayden I can feel a lot better now, I still cherish every movement. I try to stay calm and content, it seems unlike my wild child Vashon, Vayden likes it better when i'm calm. Just a few days ago Vashon was in bed with me and my belly was showing. He pointed to it and said "baby" I said "yes, baby brother" Vashon went in to give Vayden kisses. I asked him to do it again, but the Aries in him always goes the other way so he hit Vayden instead.

No one knows how they would react if given the same deck of card I've been dealt. Many are shocked by my strength or my beauty to handle and share this with everyone. I find peace in the story of Vayden. I'm not searching for anything more than hugs and prayers, but I am so very thankful to everyone who reads this. Everyone who acknowledges that Vayden is my child, no matter how many breaths he takes outside the womb.

Today I had a Dr. apt. It seems somewhat pointless to be seen now. Yet my midwife took better care of me today than ever before. Instead of just hearing the heart on the doppler, she allowed me to see Vayden via U/S. It was nice to find that he was still head down and nice to see that fuzzy black and white pic of his profile. However it was not nice to see the dilated chest cavity and the absent fluid. I suppose in the back of my mind I asked for the U/S hoping that there would be this large sac of fluid, hoping that Dr.'s would crowd into my room wondering how the hell that happened. I'm always ready to drop to my knees and yell out what a wonderful GOD we have and how he healed my baby. So not seeing it was slightly disappointing. :(

Although I still feel we have a wonderful God, for he has blessed me with Vashon and with Vayden. He has blessed me with the heart and mind to understand that pregnancy and children need not be taken for granted. That carrying a child and birthing them is not just something women do. It's God who blesses them to do so, and it's a job that some never get to take, despite the resume submitted.

On the drive home is when I let my tears out about what I saw on the U/S screen. I turned the radio off to talk to Vayden, that is when I realized that God isn't taking him. God wouldn't give me a child just to take it mins after birth, he doesn't hate me or Vayden. God chose me to give my son up, I still haven't figured out why exactly but i'm not searching for that. I told Vayden some lil things that I plan to tell him once he's in my arms. Like how everyone dies, no one is born to live forever and we in the world don't look at death the right way. We birth babies and think we have a million yrs with them, when in fact we all have to die. I told him that the world as good as it is, is also very bad and hard, that there are people out there that hurt adults and children. I told him about his brother and father. Most of all I told him about Heaven, how there are no tears , no pain, and no suffering in heaven. How this bladder obstruction would not be in heaven, and that's was why we chose to not intervene, because we didn't want to inflict pain on him with no guarantee of a cure. Medicines are used to sustain the inevitable, to prolong the life, but with those medicines come side effects that can damage other parts of the body changing the outlook on life. He could be given a medicine to help his bladder with a side effect to make him blind. So i've fixed one thing yet hurt another. I can not put my baby boy through that. In heaven the word CURE is a guarantee. We want nothing but the best for our children right?

"two of the most primal parental instincts are to keep your child alive and to protect your child from unnecessary pain. Those instincts usually do not collide, with our baby they do" - A. Kuebelbeck"

So I'm trying to take the high road about this. Turn this oh so negative situation into something positive. Enjoy the child i've been given, and see that God chose me. If the saying is true "God gives you nothing you can't handle" then I feel pretty lucky that he views me so strong.

The Eyes

2009-03-11T06:40:00.001-07:00

The unknowing eye

The unknowing eye, looks at me and says "when are you due?" I resist to answer but say "June" they smile and say "boy or girl" noticing I have one boy already, they hope I say girl. I reply "boy", the look on their face shows a sign of them hiding the fact that they want to say "aww too bad". Like having two boys is torture or something. As I try to move along my way, they continue to talk. Questions surface of names picked out and lil things like how they bet daddy sure is happy to have two champs on his team. I try to keep my mind set that they don't know what really is going on. I remember that to the unknowing eye, I'm only a young woman pregnant, with a belly that is noticeable so they want to rub it and talk about it. Remember pregnancy and children are a beautiful thing. No one thinks about the sad parts or the heartbreaking moments that some un lucky women have to go through.
I try to speed the conversation, although I've never been impolite to strangers, so I re direct to talk about my older son. The one that is running in the isle of the grocery store. But the unknowing eye continues to push towards talking about pregnancy. I wonder how the look of excitement for me will change if I tell them my pregnancy has been said to fail, that with all the stretched belly's, heart burn, morning sickness, hormone changes, back aches, I may not bring home the grand prize. That would be so wrong of me. But it would surely shut them up. But remember they have no idea, they are just making small talk. Aren't we all guilty of that? Thankfully my 2 yr old runs away beyond my eye site, " I must go get my Lil one, nice talking"

The knowing eye

The knowing eye is the same but all too different. They have all the knowledge but no words to stand on. They can't imagine what I'm going through. Some wonder how I wake up in the morning. Some say you are a lot stronger than I would be. I wonder if that is so, or if I'm just masking my pain, my hurt, my tears, for another time? The knowing eye, forgets about my belly, they treat me as nothing is even going on. When I mention the baby some will listen, but most will try to re-direct the conversation to my older son. WOW. How guilty we all can be.
The knowing eye sees me living a reality that I hate so much, they know how horrible it is, but are glad they don't live it. They feel for me but only a few understand. The knowing eye won't hug me until a tear falls out my eye. Even though that hug is what I want and need. Just a hug just a sense of affection that lets me know you think about us and you still care. Everyday is different for me, so the knowing eye will never know if it's a good or a bad day. That hug, just the hug would ease the pain, if only for the minute.

I hold the knowing eyes of a mother who chooses to carry to term, a baby with a condition that is now incompatible with life.

I hold the unknowing eyes of a mother who believes in miracles, but is not sure if she will be granted one.

I hate my eyes.

~Stephanie Stewart

Baby Kicks

2009-03-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

At Wed apt, the dr. told me that movement at this stage wouldn't be consistent. Vayden's space has been compromised due to the lack of fluid. I should just about be able to follow a kick pattern, that is if this were a normal pregnancy. Most days I get to feel Vayden's movement once a day in the very early morning. Yesterday was the best yet, as I lifted my shirt to watch my belly dance. Vayden was bobbing his head, and moving around, I wonder if he went back into the breech position? Either way the dr. said he they wont section me unless my life is at high risk, one less thing to worry about I guess. But feeling those movements are the best thing. I cherish it every morning, and I cry because once is just not enough.

I'm number 3 on the list. What does that mean you ask? Well in my search to find out what the heck this all is, I've found 2 other wonderful women going through the same thing I am, and i'm number 3 to deliver. In fact one will be scheduled to give birth in just a few more weeks. All 3 of us have no idea what our baby's outcomes are going to be, and the fact that i'm number 3 is unsettling. I have no idea why.

I've spoken with my midwife about being induced and we're searching for a date sometime during the end of May or the very 1st week of June. Sometime in April we'll sit down with the midwife, the comfort care people, and a neonate pediatrician to write out a birth plan. WOW, then it will all become even more real than it already has been........... My other son is almost 2 yrs old, I realize how fast time goes but if only I could slow the clock down now.

-Steph

24 wks pregnant today

2009-03-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

March 6, 2009

I have very lil or no fluid. At least on wed it wasn't enough to measure. There are noticeable cyst on the baby's kidneys. He's head down and has his hands like he's praying, the lack of fluid will enable him to move around so he may stay like that. Which is beautiful to me. We don't have a set date for the induction but we're thinking sometime around the last wk of May or the very early 1st wk of June. I don't want my husband to have a hard fathers day. Or I guess a very very hard one. We've selected comfort care post birth which I'm getting a lil bit of negative views on our choice. My husband, I and both our families all agree and believe that this has been out of our hands long ago. So if God wants him, he's going to take him one way or another. The machines that will support his life will only drag out our hurt and have him in pain. However if he wants us to have this lil guy he will bless him and he will be a miracle baby. I've had a good days and very bad days. But i'm making it. I thank you for all the prayers and wonderful thoughts. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and also the worst.

Ok it's bad.... 2/26 -2/28

2009-03-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

UPDATE - 2/26/09 - Yesterday was un real, even though I already knew what was going to be said. LUTO is a horrible thing, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone or anyone's child. It's only the devil. His kidneys have failed. Intervention is over and I will carry Vayden to term, deliver and let him go home to be with GOD. There are no words that can explain the feeling you have feeling your baby move inside you and grow inside you, but knowing that you wont take him home. I'm angry. I have every right to be angry with GOD right now. I have not lost my faithfulness to him, but damn it I'm angry. I wanted this baby I love this baby, I did everything to protect him. The Dr's did everything they could aside from putting my life at risk. This is wrong and un fair. So please spare me the GOD has a plan for us. Because right now it's the last thing I want to hear. Even if it is true. Please spare me the medical advice, telling me I should seek a second opinion. Been there done that. Please understand that there are two major factors that will kill him once we detach, his renal failure and immature lungs, I will not put my child on life support mins after birth. Vayden isn't suffering right now and he also will not suffer out of the womb. He will be in his mommy's arms. Die in his mommy's arms. And we will have his grandmothers present along with his daddy, he will know that he was, is ,and always will be loved. We will never forget Vayden. We will always mourn the loss of my 2nd baby boy. I've found a resource that will come to the hospital and take very tasteful pictures of his 1st and last moments with the ppl that love him most. Please as my friends and family, don't look at this as just a loss of pregnancy, he is a baby and will more than likely be born alive, so this is a loss of a child and we should never forget him. I want to thank you all for the prayers please continue them as we need strength to get through this heartbreak. * I will continue to update this blog often.

UPDATE - 2/28/09 - The kind words and caring prayers and thoughts mean so much during this hard time. I believe that I've cried so hard and stressed so far that I forgot to remember that I'm still pregnant. I missed about a wk of my prenatals, stopped eating, and only drank like 2 cups of water. Thankfully that was only for a week. I even stopped feeling Vayden move. I believe I wasn't even looking for it. But as I sit here right now, reading your replys he's moving. At 23 wks the kick should be harder, but given my placenta being in the front and the low fluid around him, these kicks match the feelings of 1st flutters. But I know he's still alive. I believe that a babys life starts even before they take their 1st breath. So i've decided to stand with my faith and still hold my GOD to the things I know he can do. Perform Miracles. It's not over until it's over with this lil guy. I am still pregnant. I will still see my midwife monthly, I will still take my pre natals, still eat and drink lots of water. But most of all still have faith. Still pray that Vayden will be my miracle story to share with the world. At the same time. I'm aware and not in denial of what the Dr.'s have told us. I still hurt from it. But it's not going to make me kill myself. So if it's not going to do that. Then what else can it do? I've made the choice to continue the pregnancy, I have 17 more wks and I can't spend that time mourning a child I have not yet lost. So as I've said before. If God wants him, he's gonna have to take him. If he does, I will give him up, and it will hurt, but I will continue to pray for a total and complete healing. I have done everything I can as a human on earth. If i'm gonna worry about it, I can't pray about it, and if i'm gonna pray about it, I can't worry about it. God bless you all, and your families. I will have good and bad days I know. Days of defeat. But it's not over until it's truly over

Bad news, But how bad?? 2/20 - 2/23

2009-03-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

UPDATE - 2/20/09 - I'm in shock right now so bare with me. But the dr. just called and our baby boy's kidneys are getting close to end of stage. Now the ? is coming up to terminate or to let nature take it's course which will more than likely end in death before or shortly after birth. Right now the dr is allowing two more serial urine taps to be done over the course of 3 days to get the freshest of fresh urine, my mother is also going to speak with the dr. to get a better grasp on what all is going on. It's harder for the mother to take in everything, so her second set of ears may have something better to hear. Still hoping for a miracle and praying for the best. GOD we're down to about a week now, it's time for a healing. thank you for all ur prayers, now just keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we go through this tough tough time.

UPDATE - 2/23/09 - 1 day before my apt and i've been crying researching and getting as much info as I can to ask as many questions as I can. But so far this is what I know : Yesterday I called a dr. in cali that deals with LUTO on a regular. Not that my dr. isn't great I just wanted to get some info from him and being that I contacted them upon finding out about it, they've asked me to keep in touch. I've had a couple days to IDK view the matter at hands that we are now dealing with. I know that my dr. doesn't jive patients, but I somehow think he has a lil heart for me and my family and is now starting to put the sugar on things just a lil. I was under the impression that we've come to the end of the road. That in some way some how this is supposed to be. Have I accepted? NO. But I have accepted that I love my baby, I don't want him to suffer, I've done everything the best way I knew how, I did not do this to him. I've also done everything that I've possibly been able to do to save his life and better his health. After speaking with this dr and his RN this LUTO is no joke. There is no grey area in this matter and long term is not just a small surgery away. At this point if my son lived which he feels is rare he would come into this world with full renal failure immature lungs, he would then be on dialysis over 8 hrs a day and I would have to Cathe him every 4 hrs. Until he makes it to donor age and weight, 1 yr and 22 lbs (Vashon just made 22 lbs last month). The true upsetting news is that I didn't realize that I was his life support. I thought that after my fluid became basically nothing, then he would pass. That is not really the case, and I could have to carry this baby for another 17-18 wks. Or I can have a therapeutic termination where I labor and give birth. I'm so upset and torn because I can not wrap my thoughts around either. This baby will continue to grow and move for 18 more wks and all that while i'll know that his lungs stopped developing at 23 wks and his kidneys are non functioning. If one doesn't kill him the other will shortly after birth. I really am so heartbroken right now. I really thought that if I went against termination I would carry him for a few more wks my fluid is already very low and then after he passed inutero I would deli ever. The fact is that I will more than likely either way I choose deliver a live baby that will die shortly afterwards. What do I do?

Update 2/2 - 2/4

2009-03-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

UPDATE - 2/2/09 - Today we went in, after a ten day wait period from when we found out about the LUTO. The babys bladder was once again enlarged, but my fluid was doing ok. My husband the Dr. and I all agreed that it's time to intervene. We will have a shunt placed into the babys bladder on 2/3/09, that will allow his urine to come out into the sac so that his lungs can better mature. Fetal shunts are not a cure, and they can fall out, or the baby can take them out. But right now it's worth a shot at saving his life. We are still holding our faith in GOD that he will get us through this and are staying positive about everything. Please keep us all in your prayers as you have been. thank you

UPDATE-2/4/09 - Yesterday I went in for fetal surgery to place a shunt into the babys bladder. I was told not to eat or drink after midnight, and was supposed to check in at 11am. We followed all the directions. I was released from the hospital 12 hrs later. The surgery did not go as well as we hoped, in fact it didn't take place at all. On Monday the baby was breech a perfect position for the dr. to get to his bladder. 15 min before I was taken to the OR given a spinal and epidural mix, already hooked up to and IV and had been hungry for somewhere around 15 hrs the Dr. did another u/s and the baby was still breech in a great position. I signed all the final forms I needed, kissed my husband and was take to the OR. They got the spinal in, which IMO hurts way more than the epidural, gave me some meds to make me relax, then they place a Cathe in me since I had no control of my lower body. Well draining my bladder made our son move from his perfect position to right under my anterior placenta. The quickly tried to re fill my bladder, tried to push the baby, but he would jump back in place them jump right back out of place. After about 45 min - 1 hr of that, the Dr. said it's too risky to try the surgery. He looked up at me and confirmed what I thought I just heard him say to his U/S tech, and said that he would drain the babys bladder and once again do an amnio infusion. He also told me that we would have to take that route until he feels it's a better time to try the surgery again. My heart was not broken from the news, I still hold a high faith that GOD is hard at work and with the baby being in such a perfect place and then not even 30 min later he moved to an unsafe place, means that maybe it just wasn't time for him to receive the surgery. I was a bit heart broken at what I went through to get something that can be done in a clinic. My legs were numb for over 6 hrs, and the recovery of the spinal is a lil painful, but i'm emotionally worn out, tired and I was so hungry by the time I was able to eat I didn't want to eat. This morning I'm feeling sore in my back from the spinal and just a lil bit not myself. I know I'm strong but how strong am I really? It seems like my attempts to give my son the best start at life keep failing. I took pre natals well before becoming pregnant, this matter was caught early enough for intervention but then the 1st intervention failed. I'm afraid to go into my belly with a needle once a week. I can only keep my faith and believe that GOD is handling this, because I surely am not. On top of it all. I can't be Stephanee, I can't go to work, I can't be the best mother to Vashon and the best wife to Van. All in the same time that we're moving and my husband has to be studying, he has to be an airman, super dad, super husband, and just a super hero, and it break my heart I can't help take just a lil of the stress off him. I'm his wife and I'm supposed to do that. Thank you all for the prayers we still need them. I still need the uplifting words, to keep the tears out my eyes. Because I know God has this and that he will not give me more than I can bare. I just know that I have not been poked with more needles in my lifetime, than I have in this short 19 wks. Thank you again, God Bless you all and your families.

Everything was fine, Until......

2009-03-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

Jan 21 -26

As many of you know I'm expecting my second baby. This was a planned pregnancy that didn't take many months of trying. I took pre natals prior to becoming pregnant and made sure I wasn't doing some of the naughty things I did prior to knowing I was pregnant with Vashon. Besides morning sickness and bad skin and minor complaints the pregnancy has been smooth. Today I went in fot the BIG ultrasound. That is when I learned that our baby who is more than likely a baby boy suffers from Lower Urinary Tract Obstruction (LUTO). Basically in the process of developing a flap of skin covers the penis hole making it unable for urine to come out. That being said, the bladder is very large and the there is not alot of amniotic fluid. Without that fluid a baby in utero's lungs can not grow. Also with a bladder that is full the kidneys are forced to work xtra hard and could fail. Luckily this matter was caught somewhat early. I still had some fluid left and the bladder had not blown up. Within mins my world was turned upside down. I was very lucky to have a wonderful friend by my side who phone my husband and stepped up to take care of Vashon since multiple procedures where going to be done. I had an amnio to drain the baby's bladder and also take a lil fluid to test it. I also had a reverse amnio to put fake fluid inside me. It did not feel good and I was very scared but Van was by my side and the dr. was great. The baby is fine great heart beat and still moving. I should get results back in a few days. If it turns out that they've caught this early enough. Intervention will basically be the amnio and reverse amnio every week until i get to term. If the results are poor then nature will take it's course. The good thing is that they caught it early and once the baby is out it's a small procedure to correct the problem and the baby will go on to live a long healthy life. We are doing fine. A bit numb from the news but strong in our faith that we have come to far to turn around now. This is a very very rare thing. about 1 in every 500 so I have faith that as rare as this has occurred will be as rare as it will clear it's self up. Basically I hear what the dr.'s say but i'm staying strong that i'm a christian woman, who believes in GOD over medicine. I will do everything the dr.'s want me to but I still hold a higher faith that a miracle is in our favor. There is power is prayer and that is what we need right now. So if you all could be our warriors in prayer that would be great. I'll keep you updated with any further info as I get it. Thank you Kim for being so great being there and taking care of Vashon you are wonderful friend

UPDATE - Got the call from the genetic counselor they have a few more test that will take about another wk, but so far the chromo test they have gotten back are all normal no down syndrome or any other chromo matters. So this issue is just developmental. And baby is for sure a BOY - we still have some lakes to cross but already our prayers have been answered and we thank you all, would like you to keep the prayers going

I Just Know I'm Knocked Up

2009-03-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

Oct 2008

Things were going great. I had a wonderful job, me and the hubby are getting along, Vashon, well he's always either good or bad, he's a toddler. lol I remember like yesterday, it's the morning of Kristen's baby shower, i'm one of the host. The moon must have been full the night before. Van & I get into this blow up fight over a hot dog I threw away. The thing had hair on it. It really did. I remember storming out the house in tears, when I told the story to my girlfriends at the shower, I said I better be pregnant for this s&i%. Before I found out I was pregnant with Vashon we just about broke up over a fight he started because I was watching TV with the light on. He can start a stupid fight but I can use my sharp tongue to make it a blow up issue. Things we learned to work on :)

I still have baby fever. I take a second job @ a child watch to save up $$ so that we can have a good xmas, remember gas is now $2.79 gal. My 1st day of the 2nd job was horrible. I drove home in angry tears, I didn't stop crying until the next day. I just know i'm pregnant........

It's Oct 16th my hubby is up getting ready for wrk. I get up and go into my bathroom to pee on a stick. Within sec the cool digital pregnancy test says "pregnant" I was in shock. I guess I was happy. or was I????

I hide the test Van goes to work, I call my BFF Jessica, and tell her the news, by this time, I'm looking in the mirror thinking "what have you done?" After all that baby fever when I finally get pregnant i'm scared. The fear turned to excitement while the reality of having two kids under 2 sunk in. I surprised Van with signs all over the bathroom "We're Pregnant"

Catch up time

2009-03-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

I've been sending out personal emails and blogging on myspace up until now. This is for everyone involved in Vayden's life, who wants to be updated, on him, on myself on our family. Since this is titled through my mothers eyes... I will start from the beginning of this journey with Vayden, even before anything was known to be wrong. Thank you for reading and viewing this situation through my eyes.

~Stephanee

It's Aug 2008, We're driving home from Muskogee, we had a weekend visit with my MIL. Van has never been a talker so I jump on the fact that he had no where to go, lol. I say "It's time to have another baby" He pretends as he doesn't hear me. I set out my plan, because Vashon was not planned, at all. In fact Vashon was not known of until I was 8 wks along. We agreed to have two kids, at least with my 2nd I could know what was going on and feel a lil bit in control.

We discussed his job, being that he's in the AF nothing is set in stone, but I can admit that I wanted him there for the birth, so planning a pregnancy was what I thought the best thing to do. He asked for a few days to think about it. I think he knew I was gonna get my baby either way, he just wanted to be in control. MEN! A few days past and my baby fever was spiking to a dangerous level. I wanted a baby bad. I woke up every morning @ 5am to watch baby shows, I was already ready. I got off the BC pill and quit taking my blood pressure meds. I starting taking prenatal and working out. I wanted all my untied shoe strings tied. Went to the dr. made sure nothing was wrong. I picked my midwife before I was even pregnant.

I remember when he said ok, I was on cloud 9. He can never say I tricked him, lol. I also remember sneaking small bags in the house full of Ovulation Prediction Kits and Pregnancy test. I loved peeing on a stick, but knew he would laugh and think i'm crazy. I snuck online while he was gone to look up the best ways to get pregnant. Baby fever temp was beyond dangerously high....it was deadly..........